More Than a Woman?

Tired. That’s how I’ve felt this past weekend. I think the 10-hour days are catching up with me and I’m not looking forward to Monday when it will start all over again.

I think it’s time to take some time off. Maybe a scheduled mental health day to regroup myself. On a Monday. Or a Friday. So I can extend my weekend by an extra day.

Oh, who am I kidding? I’m still going to spend the day before returning to work worrying about what I need to do the day I actually return to work. 

I worry too much. Not a surprise for people that know me very well. To others though, especially at work, I guess I put off this vibe that everything is going to be okay. But internally, I’m a nervous wreck.

Why is that?

Hubby seems to think I put too much pressure on myself, that I should learn to ease up on myself. That I should learn to break down projects into manageable tasks. And he’s right, the smart man that I married.

I do put a lot of pressure on myself to be as best that I can be. I guess it goes back to that thought that if I try hard enough, I’ll succeed in anything I do.

And we all know that Infertility taught me that that statement is not always relevant to everything. 

So why am I still living my life like that? I guess I do it in the hopes of being a better person than would be if I had kids. That somehow, I need to make up for being more of a woman because I don’t have kids. 

Does that sound ridiculous? 

I know it does. There are lots of women living child-free by choice that can attest to this. Heck, there are women that have gone through infertility and are now living child-free that can say that they still feel like a whole woman. 

Right now, I’m not one of those women. Which is why I worry too much. And expect more out of myself. And I wish there was a way that I could just be happy with who I am. 

 

3 Replies to “More Than a Woman?”

  1. I don’t think it’s ridiculous to feel that way. There were times when I felt that way in the past, too, that I had to overcompensate my non-mother situation by doing MORE than mothers/parents…though come to think of it, I don’t feel that way anymore nowadays hmmmhhh…

    I think it’s OK to feel that way every now and then, but then you have to let yourself heal from the inside and you should take time in believing that you are whole no matter what. Sometimes when I feel “unwhole”, I think of God and I just cling on His words that I matter so much to Him no matter how broken I feel inside, that He can use me no matter how broken I am, in whichever small way I can and that’s enough. I feel that I can give more to others when I also take good care of myself (mentally and physically as best as I can), so there has to be balance, too. Not just giving to others, but giving for myself first (time, resources, love, etc. AKA recharging my battery) so that I can give more to others.

  2. It felt as though I was reading one of my older blog posts here. What you describe is reminiscent of what I’ve read in other blogs, too. We are extra hard on ourselves and feel the need to over compensate in different aspects of our lives. Do know that it does get easier with time.

  3. Your post really resonated with me. I have found myself doing the same – trying to “prove” that I am still a woman and a worthy one at that.

    Thank you for your honesty!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.