Tired. That’s how I’ve felt this past weekend. I think the 10-hour days are catching up with me and I’m not looking forward to Monday when it will start all over again.
I think it’s time to take some time off. Maybe a scheduled mental health day to regroup myself. On a Monday. Or a Friday. So I can extend my weekend by an extra day.
Oh, who am I kidding? I’m still going to spend the day before returning to work worrying about what I need to do the day I actually return to work.
I worry too much. Not a surprise for people that know me very well. To others though, especially at work, I guess I put off this vibe that everything is going to be okay. But internally, I’m a nervous wreck.
Why is that?
Hubby seems to think I put too much pressure on myself, that I should learn to ease up on myself. That I should learn to break down projects into manageable tasks. And he’s right, the smart man that I married.
I do put a lot of pressure on myself to be as best that I can be. I guess it goes back to that thought that if I try hard enough, I’ll succeed in anything I do.
And we all know that Infertility taught me that that statement is not always relevant to everything.
So why am I still living my life like that? I guess I do it in the hopes of being a better person than would be if I had kids. That somehow, I need to make up for being more of a woman because I don’t have kids.
Does that sound ridiculous?
I know it does. There are lots of women living child-free by choice that can attest to this. Heck, there are women that have gone through infertility and are now living child-free that can say that they still feel like a whole woman.
Right now, I’m not one of those women. Which is why I worry too much. And expect more out of myself. And I wish there was a way that I could just be happy with who I am.
Yep, it’s a milestone birthday; one that makes you ponder what I’ve done for the past decade. And while I might not have done everything I thought I would in the past 10 years (you know get pregnant and start our family and all …), I know that I’ve done enough to make my 30’s a memorable decade.
Turning 40 seems like I should be turning over a new leaf. I should eat better, exercise more, be more financially responsible. It’s like New Year’s Resolutions, except in July. And I don’t know about you … but I tend to fall off the “Resolutions wagon” midway into the second month.
At least I get a whole decade to turn over this leaf.
Seriously though, I hope that my 40’s is a lot less drama and a lot more fun. I hope that Hubby and I continue to find new and exciting ways to live our child-free lives fully and not in the shadow of living childless. (I see travel in our near future!) So that’ll be what I aim for over the next 10 years.
Did you know that both the traditional and modern anniversary gift for five years is wood?
Good thing we don’t celebrate anniversary dates with other people, because I’m pretty sure I’d be getting a lot of wooden bowls or cutting boards. Or wood statues …
Why am I bringing this up? Because today, my friends, is my fifth blogiversary. Or rather “Blog O’Versary” since it’s St. Patty’s Day. (Luck o’ the Irish to y’all …)
It’s funny, because my goal was to reach 500 posts by today. I figured … hey, why not celebrate two milestones at once.
Except, well … I somehow missed that 500 milestone about 11 posts ago. Amazing, considering I haven’t been writing much lately.
It’s been difficult, I must admit, to write lately. Work has me on a crazy schedule and I’ve had waay to many personal issues that I’ve been obsessing over lately. So that leaves me little time to sit and write.
Think I’ll celebrate with one of these!
I’m hoping to make some changes in the next few weeks that will allow me to write a little more, but right now it’s just a glimmer of hope. So if the kind blogosphere could send a quick prayer up to the heavens above that this glimmer become more of a flame to light my way to a better change in my life, I’d very much appreciate it.
I realize I’m being vague about what I want to change, but I just ask that you stick with me and pray for the change that I need. If things do go the way I hope it does, then I promise I will tell you more.
Anyway, just wanted to write my little ditty for the week and … WTH … brag to people that I’ve managed to keep this blog alive for five years!
Thanks to all of you that are still out there reading … I can’t tell you (in words) how much it means to me.
Sitting and staring at the blank Word Document in front of me is kinda intimidating. I hate how the cursor blinks to the tune of the background music at the Caribou Coffee I’m currently sitting at.
I know it’s been more than a couple weeks since I last posted, but there hasn’t really been much of interest to write about. Unless you wanna talk about how hectic my last onsite visit for work was. But why would I want to bore you with that?
I could also tell you that I came SO close to seeing Jefferson’s Monticello estate during my last work trip. I even took the 20 minutes to drive there, only to be disappointed that I could only get to the visitor’s center … Which then would have required me to purchase a ticket for a shuttle to take me up to the property just so I could look at the building.
If I had the time, I probably would have done it. But as it was, I had already been teaching all day and I was exhausted by the thought of taking the extra time to buy a ticket to tour the entire property, when all I wanted to do was admire the structure. Plus I wasn’t feeling too hot.
When traveling, nothing sucks more than not feeling your best … Especially when you have to get up in front of a group of strangers and teach. But since there was no way of cancelling the class, I just did my best and hope that all the participants would stay engaged in our discussions. Lucky for me, they did.
So now I get to travel again next week and I hope that this cold has finally left my system. It will be another hectic onsite visit (large hospital, two different locations for each session, etc), but the best I can do is leave it up to God and my constant chanting of the Serenity Prayer.
The title of this post says it all. And you know what? Me and my skinny hamster are perfectly fine with it. In fact, she’s taking a snooze as we speak.
I got some pretty good advice from people after putting up my last post. (Thanks, oh internet peeps!) One of them told me to cut myself some slack, so today (actually this whole weekend) was about doing so.
No worrying about the upcoming travel or all the expectations of new stuff going on at work. No obsessing over relationships and how to “fix” them. No freaking out about how completely messy the house is.
Just me and Hubby; watching a movie, grabbing some Dim Sum, and clearing out our saved TV shows on our DVR.
It’s been a while since I’ve done nothing but the bare necessities and it feels good. Usually I save those days for when I feel completely sick or run down.
And maybe I’m already at the latter … run down and exhausted. But these two days have been restful, relaxing and much needed.
Perhaps I’ve got to do these kind of days more often .
I’m trying to be diligent about updating this blog at least once a week. If anything, let the blog serve as a sort of a routine for my otherwise routine-less life.
Okay, so my life isn’t without routine. Otherwise, why would I be at a tea house on a Saturday afternoon trying to catch up with some work that I can’t seem to get done after my online teaching sessions?
I’m feeling overwhelmed and anxious lately. There seems like there’s so much to do and not enough time to do it. I mean, I’m glad that I’m catching up on some work today outside of my home office, but then that leaves all the other household stuff up in shambles.
To top it off, at the end of this month I’ll be traveling 5 days a week for the next 7 weeks, which – on top of trying to learn a new expense system for work (as well as quite a few new things work has got up her sleeve) – has me at the brink of a nervous breakdown. (Or maybe I’m already there?)
My husband seems to think that I’ve got some really skinny hamster on a wheel running nonstop inside of my noggin. He tells me this because he thinks my mind spins out of control, working overtime about worrying.
And d*mnit if he isn’t right. I just wish I could slow the hamster down enough to allow me to quit worrying about … well, worrying.
So yeah. This is my weak attempt at a post this week. Maybe next week I’ll have something better to talk about.
But for now, it’s all about the “Serenity Prayer” in my mind. That and a warm, huggable Husband is all that keep the hamster in my head at bay …
The irony doesn’t escape me. It’s 5:15 am and –thanks to our dog — who refuses to sleep, I’m wide awake.
It’s not as if I’ve had a difficult time falling asleep … it’s more that I can’t seem to stay asleep. If anything, all I want to do is climb under the covers and fall into a deep, deep sleep. Depression can obviously do that.
And with me, depression can cause waves and waves of anxiety, which only add fuel to the insomnia-fire.
Recently Hubby and I had one of our long discussions (one of many we’ve been having lately). This one happened to start off with an innocent comment our 15-year old nephew had said last Sunday when we met them for lunch.
“Auntie,” he told me, “you look sad” . And I couldn’t tell him any differently, other than to say that I’d been tired a lot lately.
My husband brought that up during our discussion as a means to show me how even a 15-year old could see my depression. And if he could see it, how many other people would see it as well?
All I know is that over the years, I have changed. Oh … I think the heart of me — my center — will never change, but the way I’ve looked at things or approach things have definitely been altered from my life experiences.
I know these thoughts are no different than any other person in their late 30’s/early 40’s. After all, isn’t this when we begin to look back at our lives to where we were and compare them to where we are now? Isn’t this where we reflect back on those dreams we had in our early 20’s and think about whether we’ve achieved them or not?
You see, as I approach 40 this year, this is one of the anxiety-ridden things I think about frequently. I think about our early post-college years where then-fiancé and I would dream about our future together. We’d dream about our married life together; of kids and the large house in the suburbs. We’d talk about how our kids would be into sports or some sort of activities where we would be the proud parents who’d show up with video cams in hand to record such moments. We talked about vacations as families.
And, of course, I also had my dream of wanting to be a Stay-At-Home-Mom for a spell, while waiting for our four (yes, four) kids to all be old enough to go to school. I also dreamt about making friends with other Mom’s; friends of our kids, where we could hang out and commiserate about daily life with kids. I dreamed of arranging playdates and birthday parties and all these wonderful things I could do when I became a mother.
But we all know where those dreams went. Our best laid plans … right down the potty.
While making the decision to live child-free has lessened the “blow” to my need to maternalize (is that even a word?), it hasn’t taken away the fact that I have had to face the “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” when coming to terms with my infertility.
In other words, in order to figure out what our next step in child-rearing would be … Hubby & I had to walk that “boulevard” alone. Together, yes definitely … but alone.
So now that the we’ve passed that boulevard … and even though it’s been almost two years now … what do we do now? What’s our next step? What’s our goal? I know that children aren’t in our future, but so what is our new future?
It’s all of those worries that keep me from having a full night’s sleep. It’s what causes me anxiety in the middle of the night.
Which direction in life do we need to be heading? What we can do with our lives now that we’re closing in on 40 … the decade where we should feel more “settled” in our lives?
It has all the makings of a dreamless night. A night where I’m not sure what our new dream is going to be.
Like the snow in Metro Detroit, I’ve been in and out of everyday life. And like the snow, my mind should be ever present during this particular month, since it’s supposed to be the month of new beginnings; of making resolutions to change things.
But like the snow, I’ve only surfaced in bits in pieces whenever life seems to be most inconvenient.
This depression sucks.
No. I mean literally. It sucks the life and energy out of me. And throw in a (un)healthy dose of anxiety with it … well it just makes life all the more interesting.
I’m trying my best to move past this depression; doing all that I can physically and clinically do, but the weight of this sadness seems to be omnipresent.
Thank God for an understanding Husband; one who has stood by me through thick and thin. He’s been there through the low-hanging, non-anxiety moments and all the way through the high-octane drama-fueled moments. Sometimes I wonder – scratch that – I always wonder how I’ve managed to find my soulmate and my best friend who still loves me despite all the baggage I carry.
If anything, Hubby (and the furkids – although the fur-dog has been on my last nerve lately … ) is the reason why I keep getting out of bed every morning.
Even though I’ve written the occasional post about the grief I’ve been experiencing, I know I’m not usually so outright with my depression. But it has been suggested to me that I start writing more about it, because this seems to be the only outlet where I can openly talk about my struggles.
And although this blog is (and always will be) about living child-free after infertility, I thought that this was my little corner of the universe where I can tell you about my life, both good and bad. So here’s where I lay it out on the line:
I’m still grieving over the death of my father. Between my two parents, it’s become apparent to me over the past year and a half that I truly was a “Daddy’s Girl.” I thrived in the moments when my Dad would play around with me and tease me. And there were the silly jokes the two of us would play on each other that only the two of us would get. And I miss those things horribly.
In the same aspect, I realize how much different my relationship with my Mom has always been; particularly now that my Dad had passed. I’ve always known that we never had that “Mother-Daughter” bond that is constantly seen in movies and TV shows; we’re just two very different people. And without Dad being there as a buffer, this relationship has only intensified … and not always in a positive way.
Even though it’s been over a year since deciding to move back to Detroit, not a day goes by that I don’t miss living in Chicago. I miss the city and the atmosphere. I miss the late night trips to Dim Sum or Korean BBQ with my cousins. I miss walking.
But what I miss the most is that Chicago represented a new life for me. A life where Hubby & I carved out a place for ourselves; where the two of us really started focusing on us as a “Family of Two.” And while I love my hometown and take pride in telling people that I’m from Detroit, I miss that part of our lives where we were just far enough from “home” where Hubby & I could be our own family.
And finally … even though Hubby & I have decided that child-free living after infertility is our life, there are still those days where I worry about our future and what other things in our lives we can contribute to the greater good of our world. Will all I have to show at the end of my life is that I’ve worked hard for a living? That I loved my family and friends to the best capacity that I could? What about my legacy? What will I leave behind? And will I have made a difference in someone’s life? I know now that having kids won’t necessarily “satisfy” or provide answers to all of those questions, but having lost my Dad … and knowing the person he was … this is something that weighs heavily on mind.
I could probably go on with more “issues” that seem to run endlessly through my anxiety-ridden head, but these are the ones that are constantly in my stream of consciousness. These are the things that keep me from doing the things I would normally enjoy doing.
Or taking pictures.
Or simply watching TV.
But I’m trying … at least I’ll try to work on the writing bit.
And maybe Mother Nature will be kind enough to work on a mild winter for the rest of us.
The day stretched on as if it were the longest day of summer; yet it was the middle of winter. It was only 4:30 pm, but dusk was around the corner; the clouds in the wintery sky making it seem darker than it should be.
She should be doing something to keep her mind busy; anything to take her thoughts off the shades of grief that lay inside the pit of her stomach. Instead, she sat at her local bookstore’s café mindlessly flipping through the latest gossip rags and fashion magazines.
Normally reading such things would entertain her; would make her laugh at such ridiculousness. Or at the very least, inspire her to change her wardrobe to something other than jeans and a t-shirt. But today, she neither felt nor heard nothing but the silent hum inside her head that told her that something about her was defective.
That silent hum had always lived inside of her for as long as she could remember. She never felt pretty enough or smart enough to accomplish anything significant in her life. And although she had a good career and an incredible husband, she never thought she could deserve to be happy.
At times in her life, the silent hum would surface outwardly. When she and her husband found it difficult to start their family, that hum became a silent roar. When she lost her job, the silent roar returned. However, eventually that roar would once again return to a hum.
She knew that her antsy-ness today was because that hum was slowly turning into a roar. She even knew her actions over Christmas was its root cause. But just like those other times, she had no idea how to silence the roar. She had no way of stopping such negative, self-defeating feelings that lay rooted inside of her.
Although she knew she had the support of her husband, her best friend in life … her family … she also knew she would ultimately be the one responsible for taming the beast inside herself.
She also knew that in order to tame the beast, she had to get rid of the hum all together. She had to stop depreciating herself and start to build up that self-esteem.
This will prove to be a difficult task for her; especially since she never particularly had consistent, ongoing self-confidence. Her entire life had been rooted in self-doubt with only fleeting moments of confidence. It would take a lot to rid her life of that silent hum.
What could she do? What *would* she do? She had already sought the help of professionals; she already had the support of her loving husband. The only thing she could do is uproot those thoughts of self-doubt and self-deprecation and replant confidence and self-esteem in its place.
It sounded simple enough; replace the negative with the positive. Believe that the glass is half-full rather than half-empty. Begin to believe in herself.
But why then, did it seem so much more complicated than that? Why does the silent hum persist?
There, I’ve said it. And I’m not ashamed to admit that the smell of bacon brings back memories of cooking breakfast for my parents when I was in my pre-teenage angst years. You know, back when I was a relatively obedient kid who only wanted to do something nice for her parents.
And the taste …. Oh, the taste! Nothing completes a great breakfast like bacon can. Especially those thick, maple-cured strips that they serve up at Original Pancake House.
I mean after all, there is the saying that nothing can make a vegetarian go pro-meat more than bacon can.
I’m guessing that with all this talk about bacon, you’ve figured out by now that I’m not the healthiest person in the world. And it’s true. I’m hypertensive. I’ve got high cholesterol (no surprise there!). And I’m at high risk for heart disease.
And given the events over the past year, I guess you can say that I’ve been lax at keeping myself healthy. In fact, you could probably say that I went the opposite of healthy. What can I say? I’m an emotional eater.
In fact, I’m not just that; I’m an emotional over–eater. When things get tough or stressful, not only do I munch on chips or chocolate or candy … I over-indulge myself with them. And because of that I’ve gained a significant amount of weight over the past year.
So what does this all have to do about bacon?
Yesterday, at one of Hubby’s work-related events, we had sat with some friends and another couple I had just met for the first time that night. Somehow (and I can’t exactly remember how) the subject turned to bacon. (I mean, really. When does bacon come up in a conversation?!) That’s when I learned that the German word kummerspeck … which is the excess weight one gains from emotional overeating … literally translates to “grief bacon.”
So there you go. Now I have a name for all the weight I’d gained.
But lest you’re worried, Hubby & I have been making efforts to regain our health. First off was joining a gym to make time for some weight training and daily cardio. Second is re-learning to eat healthy again. Third … and this is the most difficult … is maintaining the motivation to keep up with both.
I guess this means I won’t be eating too much bacon in the near future …