Dark Spaces and Other Things

I went to a dark space this past week. I went back to the land of longing for a child of my own.

That’s a place, while always in the back of my mind, that I haven’t been to in a long time.

It started when I found out that a newer co-worker of mine had triplets. So naturally I asked if this was a surprise to her when she found out she was having triplets. That’s when I found out that she and her husband had done IVF and had succeeded with pregnancy after their second try; a frozen cycle from the remaining embryos from her first try.

D*mn it. I was jealous.

So jealous that I thought of our one failed IVF cycle and the failed ability to even have tried a frozen cycle. Which then had me thinking that if we did succeed with our cycle, our child/children would be 9 years old.

Nine. Years. Old. What a different person I might have become if we were successful.

Maybe I wouldn’t be such a sad person inside. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so anxious all the time. Maybe I wouldn’t be so afraid of failure like I am about everything in my life.

I know. I’m realistic enough to know I could still be the same person I am today, with or without kids. However, I do know that my fear of failure stems from the belief that I grew up with: If you try hard at anything, you will succeed.

Except as hard as Hubby & I tried to conceive, we did not succeed.

Failing at trying to procreate was the first time I ever had to question that belief. The corresponding darkness that followed our failed IVF only allowed me more time to question whether anything I do would only result in failure.

So the dark place I was at this week? It all boiled down to my fear of failure in EVERYTHING I do. From feeling like I’m a failure at work, to feeling like I’m a failure in my personal life.

I’m still a little fragile from this past week … probably will be for a while, if I’m being honest with myself … but I’m trying to be better. Trying to realize that sometimes failures can be opportunities for improvement. And trying to remember that mistakes are really just mis-takes

4 Replies to “Dark Spaces and Other Things”

  1. You put into words exactly how I feel!!
    We spent 7+ years and countless attempts at IVF/ICSI without ending up with a child. The more attempts doesn’t necessarily increase your chances of success. We were always fortunate to have good egg retrieval numbers, viable embryo’s, even 3 pregnancies in the 10+ procedures (all ended in early miscarriages) – but still are childless. The small “wins” along the way only made the final outcome all the more devastating.
    My husband has ongoing, degenerative health problems (which contributed to our infertility issues) and so we were not eligible to adopt.
    Western society in general proclaims “you can have anything as long as you try hard and never let anything stand in your way”. Well, we tried everything possible and couldn’t have what we wanted. Nobody could have wanted it more or put more energy, emotion, finances into the chase..
    Like you, I wonder if my ongoing anxiety/depression issues would have developed if we had had children easily or if they were caused by the situation – something we will never know.
    It is 12 years since our last attempt with an embryo transfer and so our children – if we had won the IVF raffle – would now be in the age range 12-17!!
    In general I live a happy and contented life – but the pain is always just beneath the surface. I will come flooding back at various times of the year (birthdays, anniversaries) and now all my friends are becoming grandparents – there is a whole new round of disappointment and regret.
    I’m sorry I have no words of comfort to offer, but maybe knowing that others share your sorrow will provide some solace.

  2. Every now & then, that dark place draws me back too. It can be so tempting to wallow in the “what ifs.” I have to remind myself not to dwell there, to make the best of the here & now. It’s hard, though. (((HUGS)))

  3. I think it’s pretty normal to go back to that place. After all, we’re surrounded by reminders every single day of the things that IF has robbed from us.

    I myself have been fighting this idea of “never give up”. In fact, I just wrote this in FB the other day: “In this world where “never give up” is heard everywhere (esp. with the advance of technology), sometimes you just have to know when you need to let go and move on. :-)”

    And I posted this link below it: http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/28463433

  4. Forgot to write this: (((HUGE HUGS))) And you’re NOT a failure! (I know you know that, just wanna say it out loud to you he he…)

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