I haven’t asked much for myself over the past so many years. In fact … if I had to pinpoint a moment in time that I stopped requesting anything from You, it would be the same day I was so angry at You for not giving me the one thing in life that I prayed the hardest for. The one thing in my life that I wanted to experience the most.
I stopped asking at that point, not because I didn’t believe in You. Or that I didn’t think You loved me. I stopped asking because, quite honestly, I just wanted to stop feeling disappointed in myself all the time.
You see, I have always been told that You only give a person what You think he or she could handle. And seeing that I hadn’t been handling the whole infertility thing so well, I thought that perhaps that was the reason You felt I wasn’t ready or prepared or worthy of being a mother.
And that is why I stopped praying for myself.
God, I know that you know that I still pray to You. And that my requests are simple at best. I pray that You look over all my family and friends. I pray that You guide those most worthy of needing guidance to find spiritual happiness somewhere.
Because, even though I am not a very good practicing Catholic, I do believe that having faith in a higher being … whether You are called “God” or “Yahweh” or if You are even a multitude of deities … it is important in finding some sort of spiritual inner peace.
Right now, God … I’m looking for some of that inner peace. And specifically what I need at this moment is some strength.
I know You have provided me with many gifts, including the love and support of an incredible man. I also know You have graciously provided me with my “second chance” in life in a new city and a new home. I cannot tell you how incredibly grateful I am for the love and support of my husband and this opportunity to move to Chicago … because it’s amazing what a change in scenery can do to one’s soul.
The strength I need right now is to maintain my self-confidence. To know that I’m doing the best that I can do in the situation I am currently in. To ignore the thoughts in my head that tell me I’m “just not good enough.” To ignore my tendency to worry what others may think about what I’m doing. To be strong in the face of self-doubt.
Please God. I don’t ask for much. But if it wasn’t too much of a bother, I’m in much need of some inner strength …
10 Replies to “Spirit, Strength and Peace”
I’m here for you 100%. I’ll pray too.
I’ll second that prayer. Asking for strength as you are is the crucial first step. I hope it finds you very soon.
Sending my prayers too, love.
Abiding with you, sweetie.
Chicago is a great place – and you will need your self-confidence there. I hope God is listening to you and sending the strength you need.
I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time — wishing you lots of strength, peace and hope.
Praying for un-human strength, boundless hope and unimaginable peace for you at this stage of your journey. *hugs*
“Pruning means cutting, reshaping, removing what diminishes vitality. When we look at a pruned vineyard, we can hardly believe it will bear fruit. But when the harvest comes, we realize that the pruning allowed the vines to concentrate their energy and produce more grapes. Grateful people learn to celebrate even amid life’s hard and harrowing memories because they know that pruning is no mere punishment, but preparation.
When our gratitude for the past is only partial, our hope for the future can likewise never be full. But our submitting to God’s pruning work will not ultimately leave us sad, but hopeful for what can happen in us and through us. Harvesttime will bring its own blessings”
(Henri Nouwen, Turn My Mourning Into Dancing).
I am praying for you and the peace that you ask for. I too am looking for that peace as well. I know that God will someday bless you because of the preparation He is giving you now. My heart is with you.
I wish you all the peace and strength of spirit you need right now.