I saw a heartbeat today on an ultrasound today.

Naw … not that kind of heartbeat. You know, the one that pregnant women all over the world are excited to hear every time they go in for a prenatal visit? The same one that I wish I could hear as well inside of my belly if I could only manage to actually get knocked up?

No, the heartbeat I was actually looking at was my own. I went to our local hospital clinic today to get an echocardiogram done. And may I add that I was quite surprised that it appeared to be functioning okay. And it wasn’t blackened or hardened either. And … Whew! I was happy to see that even after all the years of IF heartache, I wasn’t all “Tin Man” inside! I’m not sure what the final results are just yet, but should find out in the next week or so.

My new primary doctor ordered for this test to rule out any heart abnormalities as a reason for my high blood pressure. Personally, I think it’s an interconnecting web of issues from having PCOS which makes me insulin-resistant. Numerous medical studies have shown that those with insulin-resistance eventually develop atherosclerosis (or narrowing of the arteries) due to the excess build-up of insulin in the blood stream. And when you have narrowing of the arteries, you eventually develop higher blood pressure readings. But that’s just in my humble opinion.

Add to that the whole stress thingy. Yes, I do know I was whining about how stressed I was in my last post. (I’ll chalk it up to being pooped from traveling the whole day before and to being overly emotional on my birthday.) And no, I didn’t mean to say that I have it all so horribly bad. I was merely pointing out that I’ve been trying to deal with a lot of stuff over the past 7 months. And according to this Life Stressor Calculator, I apparently have a “medium susceptibility to stress-related illness”. So yeah, I need to find a way to relax.

Speaking of relaxing … I was reading Kate‘s most recent post (and the subsequent posts she linked to) about the whole “Frankie.Goes.To.Hollywood” relax bit. And how none of us should discount relaxing as a technique (much like acupuncture) to prepare a woman’s body, mind and soul into the next phase of her life. In this case pregnancy. And I agree with her, whole-heartedly.

But let me emphasize one thing here. I. Still. Hate. Being. Told. To. “Just Relax.” And if any one person gives me that sorry piece of a$$vice again … I can’t promise that I won’t get physically violent. Just a warning … 😛

The sad thing (and trust me, I know this is sad. Really pathetic, actually), is that I simply do not know how to relax.

Yes. Sad. Pathetic. And stupid, too. And probably the reason I can’t promise to remain calm when someone tells me to relax. No matter what I do (deep breathing, meditating, exercising), I can’t seem to calm down. My G*d, even while on vacation, I still couldn’t 100% relax.

It’s like my mind constantly runs at 150 mph; always thinking, always problem-solving, always trying find a way to make things work. Like now. I’m actually running through my head exactly HOW I can get myself to just kick it back and chill.

I’ve tried to take up different hobbies like knitting … which I honestly like to do … but then I find myself getting stressed over screwing up the pattern or something to that effect. I’ve tried to just sit in a quiet room and do absolutely nothing … and then I start freaking out about all the other things I should be doing (like cleaning the house, or laundry, or yardwork). The same thing goes for anything else I might like to do … like reading a book, or catching up on blogs, or even writing. I just simply find myself stressing out about everything.

So … for my health and my sanity’s sake … does anyone … anyone have any ideas or suggestions on how I can “just relax”?

Ack, so I just read the last few paragraphs that I’ve written. And once again, I feel like I’m painting a sad, pitiful and whiny portrait of myself. Maybe one day (you know … the day I figure out exactly just how to relax), I’ll find a way to paint a different … sunnier or brighter … portrait.

Until then … I give any of my readers full permission to simply just skip the pathetic parts.