Hips *DO* Lie

It’s been hot lately in Chicago. I mean, I’m not complaining. Considering how just a few months ago I was complaining how frickin’ cold it was outside.

Now that Hubby’s here with me permanently, I have to admit that I’ve been using him (and our car) as my primary means to get to work. Because sometimes getting to work in a sweltery mess (when I’m supposed to be lookin’ all professional and sh*t) is not always a pleasant thing. Yeah … like I’ve always said. I don’t “glisten” like most women do. I down and out sweat. Like a hog.

I’m spoiled, I know. In many counts. But in this scenario, the fact that I get  air-conditioned door-to-door “valet” service in the morning is wonderful. That, and the absolutely spectacular view I get of Lake Michigan every morning is downright overindulgence.

So yes, that’s how I find myself getting to listen to morning talk radio on the 7 mile/20 minute ride into work every morning. And truth be told, I have missed that part of my daily commute with my previous employment.

Morning talk radio is absolute smut. But seriously, that’s how I tend to get my latest celebrity gossip. (How do you think Hubby heard about the scheduled Johnny Depp appearance?) That, and my daily laughs of stupid conversation topics. Like the worst advice your parent may have given you. Or the worst back-handed compliment someone may have said to you.

That last one was spurred by the description Marlon Brando apparently made about Jackie Onassis in an unpublished passage of his biography. If you hadn’t heard the latest news, Brando and Jackie O. allegedly had an affair about a year after JFK was assassinated. He described her as having “boyish hips” and a “muscular frame.”

Now, as a non-girly girl, I don’t find anything offensive about that comment. But I suppose if I was seen as the fashion icon of the ’60’s … it would be considered a slap in the face.

And that’s how radio listeners began to call in with various back-handed compliments they had received in the past. One woman called in saying that a blind date told her over dinner that she was “stocky” and then made things worse by rescinding it back and calling her “healthy.”

Apron Strings on them "Child-bearing Hips"
Apron Strings on them "Child-bearing Hips"

Another woman called in about a shoe salesman who told her that her legs and ankles were “pretty thick.”

So of course I had to turn to Hubby and tell him the worse compliment that I can remember being told. And that was that I had excellent “child-bearing hips.”

For the life of me, I can’t remember who had told me that. But I do remember that it was prior to marrying Hubby. Which would mean that it would be before Hubby and I even started trying to “bear children.”

And even though I do have a large-ish ba-dunk-a-dunk, which is supported by them wide hips of mine … it still stings a bit when I remember that “compliment.” Especially after all the years of my hips failing to bear those children.

D*mnit. Shakira was wrong. Apparently, hips *do* lie.

Okay, so ‘fess up, blog world. What’s the worst compliment anyone has given to you?

5 Replies to “Hips *DO* Lie”

  1. Oh God, I get these all the time.

    OOOH! My favorite:

    Whenever I put a picture of myself on my blog (which isn’t often), people are all like ‘OH MY GOD YOU’RE SO MUCH PRETTIER THAN I THOUGHT YOU’D BE.”

    Apparently, I write ugly.

  2. Oh, I’ve gotten child bearing hips a gazillion times. But my personal favorite was a girl I knew who exclaimed over my butt once and then told me that my large ass must be why Al liked me. Since he’s black and all. So she managed to insult me and Al and all black people in about one sentence.

  3. I’ve gotten the “child-bearing hips” comment too. When I was SIXTEEN by my Aunt. And from her “your body is a brick house.”
    I don’t know of the worst compliment given to me….oh yeah I do “you and your husband will have beautiful children.” When there was no chance in hell that we were going to. Despite the outcome–that comment still seems so cruel.

  4. You inspired me to write a post about a similar incident. Not so much a compliment as a stupid thing said by an ex. He tried to convince me to take him back by telling me, “his babies were inside me.” Husband and I used this as an excuse for our fertility woes for a long time…

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