Dr. Bro & Me in the Late 70’s

I have this habit of mak­ing lists. Maybe it’s the John-Cusack-character-from-“High Fidelity” in me, but I just like try­ing to men­tally put things in order.

Now, these types of lists aren’t your typ­i­cal “gro­cery” or “To Do” lists … these are the type of lists where I can grab infor­ma­tion from var­i­ous sources and dis­sem­i­nate them into some sort of order.

For instance, I can take all the con­certs I’ve been to in my life (too many to count) and come up with the top 5 con­certs I’ve been to thus far. (INXS 1986, Depeche Mode 1988, Sis­ters of Mercy 1991, Under­world, and the Pix­ies 2004).

Or I can take a project I’m work­ing on and come up with a fact-​​driven list of pros and cons to mak­ing a change to a par­tic­u­lar work process. Either way, mak­ing these lists helps me orga­nize my thoughts into some func­tion­ing and work­ing order.

Yeah. I’m that much of an über-​​geek.

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Dr. Bro & Me in the early 80’s with Muffin

Last night, I received some incred­i­ble news. One that I’m — with­out a doubt — very excited about.

Last night I received the news that Dr. Bro and Dr. SIL are expecting.

I’ve hon­estly been antic­i­pat­ing this news for quite some time now; as Dr. SIL and I have had con­ver­sa­tions about this same topic in the recent past. And, gen­uinely couldn’t be more than ecsta­tic for the two of them.

As I spoke with Dr. Bro on the phone last night, he oh-​​so-​​gently asked me if I was okay with this. Espe­cially since he has been known to read my blog, and may have some idea of the sub­se­quent reac­tions I’ve had with pre­vi­ous preg­nancy announce­ments and birth.

Dr. Bro & Me on my Wed­ding Day, 1996

With­out hes­i­ta­tion, I answered that I was per­fectly okay with the news. But I also cau­tioned him that there may be days where I might be more snarky than usual. And if I was … then he should know that it is in no way directed at either him or Dr. SIL. I also told him that if I got too much, both of them had every right to smack me upside my head.

After hang­ing up with Dr. Bro, I sat qui­etly and let the news sink in … which, as any infer­tile should know, is never a good thing. As all these thoughts and emo­tions came at me fast and furi­ously, I found myself writ­ing them down.

When I was done, I dis­cov­ered that I uncon­sciously wrote down one of my “fact-​​based” lists. Except it wasn’t a “Top 5″ list; nor was it a “Pro/​Con” list. No … this list had me sep­a­rat­ing my neg­a­tive emotions/​thoughts about Dr. Bro’s recent announce­ment from the pos­i­tive ones. And after­ward, I put this list away hop­ing to revisit it again this morn­ing with a clear head.

So this morn­ing, I re-​​read my list. And what I found from my list was that I had more “pos­i­tive” emo­tions than “neg­a­tive.” I had more rea­sons to be “happy” and “excited” about this preg­nancy than I had rea­sons to be sad.

Dr. Bro & Me on his Wed­ding Day, 2006

While this might not seem much to some­one who has never expe­ri­enced infer­til­ity … this was a major break­through for me. Because for once in my infer­tile life, I some­how know I’ll be able to sur­vive this preg­nancy (and hope­fully with my dig­nity still intact after­ward). See­ing my fact –based list will help me through this time.

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So … what did my list look like? What thoughts ran through my head after find­ing out about Dr. Bro and Dr. SIL preg­nancy? Well, in case you were interested …

Neg­a­tive:

• Yet another preg­nancy that I’ll never experience.
• When my Dad goes to the Philip­pines, he’ll be “right­fully” brag­ging about it. Which will inevitably bring up the ques­tion about whether Hubby & I have any children.
• There will be moments where I’ll unex­pect­edly feel blue. Or empty.
• This will be a gift to my par­ents that I’ll never be able to give.

I’ve never seen my brother SO happy than on his Wed­ding Day

Pos­i­tive:

• I’m actu­ally going to be related by blood to this child.
• Although I’ve been “Aun­tie Em” to Hubby’s nephews and niece … I’m offi­cially going to be “Aun­tie Em” to this child.
• Part of my genetic makeup, even though it’s not my DNA, will be passed on to this child.
• I’ll finally get to see some of that “Nature vs. Nur­ture” from my side of the family.
• I’m in a much bet­ter frame of mind (not to men­tion accep­tance ) in where I’m at in my Infer­til­ity Jour­ney than I was back at the end of 2008.
• Although I feel “close” to Dr. SIL, we’re not as close — nor do we have years and years of his­tory — as Hubby’s sis­ter and I do.
• After all is said and done, the fact of the mat­ter is that Hubby & I have our own future to look for­ward to.
• My par­ents will finally get to be grandparents.

So, Dr. Bro and Dr. SIL — if you’re read­ing this — just know that I can­not wait to be this child’s “Favorite Aunt” … well, at least from Dr. Bro’s side of the family!