It’s after midnight and I’m finding myself in some sort of funk.
I am truly and utterly in a funk.
And I hate it.
I’ve (obviously) been trying my best to be optimistic about everything, but lately it seems as if I can’t catch a break. And it’s ridiculous, because it hasn’t even been more than a month since my life turned topsy-turvy.
Maybe it’s because the loss of my job reminds me too much of another loss that I’ve finally came to closure on. Well, as “closed” as it could get anyway.
I’ve always alluded to the fact that my inability to have children of my own, to be a mother has made me feel less of a person. It’s made me that Filipina, who was brought up to think of bringing up her husband’s children is the only purpose in life, feel like I’ve lost any reason to exist in this lifetime.
And once I “resolved” myself to a life withouth children, I naturally gravitated to my career as the next “logical” reason to get out of bed every day.
Which, when you look at the time line of my blog, you’d notice it. Starting back in Autumn of 2008, up to the point where Hubby & I decided to “cut the strings.” Plain as night and day; written in black and white. (Figuratively speaking, that is). And when you see how much I put into this job since moving to Chicago; all the effort I made to making my career … it’s obvious that I found something to fill the void of Motherlessness.
Then suddenly and unexpectedly, I find myself without a job. I find myself without yet another purpose in life.
I find myself struggling with the loss of yet another reason for my existence.
Earlier today, I asked my husband what my purpose in life was.
This was all before I came to the conclusion I did up above; before connecting the dots as to why I’m feeling the same kind of loss for my job as I did for the loss of Motherhood.
Before I realized that I wasn’t quite that crazy for having these negative thoughts; however irrational it may have seemed at the time.
And Hubby’s answer was, “It’s whatever we want it to be.”
In my mind I know that Hubby’s right. And my heart tells me that he’s right for me to think of this as a time of opportunity.
But the empty feeling I have in my gut keeps digging away at my core; struggling to find something out of nothing. And I wish I could make it stop.
Damn … but I was doing so well.
* In case you’re wondering where the title of this post came from, it’s the name of a Cocteau Twins song that completely reflects the mood I’m in. Take a listen to it here … isn’t it hauntingly beautiful?