Yup. There’s always something about “The Smiths” that I can always relate to whenever I’m in a sad or pissy or panicky mood. And right now, I’m pretty much feeling all of those things. So, it’s no wonder I’ve got one of my favorite albums of all time, “The Queen Is Dead” streaming from my ipod. And not in shuffle mode either … because there’s just something lyrical about the way the whole album plays out. Anyway …

As mentioned in my last post, my pregnant SIL is scheduled for her c-section later in the week. And I thought I was doing relatively well reeling back all of those waves of emotion. Really. I did. For a while there, I was actually excited for the end of the week to come. I mean, after all … I absolutely love everything about a newborn baby. And I’m always in such awe when seeing this little life eat and sleep and coo … So much that at times, it supercedes the feeling of sadness or jealousy.

I would have been absolutely content going on feeling excited about my niece’s impending birth, but then since when does anything ever stay the same? (Well, except for the fact that after ten-plus years I still can’t get pregnant).

“Behind the hatred there lies a plundering desire for love.”

Yesterday at work, a co-worker who is aware of all the trials and tribulations of my IF journey, randomly asked how my SIL was doing. This is the same co-worker who’s daughter at one time was also going through IF issues but with the magic of one f*cking round of Clomid managed to get knocked up. And now, four years and three kids later (the last two were completely “natural” as I’ve been told), this co-worker is just the proud little grandmother. But I digress …

Anyway, when this co-worker found out that my SIL was going to deliver in a matter of days, she was absolutely over-the-top excited about it. I mean really, she was literally jumping for joy.

Now, okay. I understand being excited and happy for someone you know. But being that animated over a pregnancy for someone that you’ve never met? I mean, really … don’t you think that’s a little too much? Alright … given the events that had happened with my SIL’s pregnancy with Liam, I’ll give my co-worker that much. However, all I wanted was just a little bit of sympathy for me. I mean seriously, people. A little loyalty concern for my well-being would be appreciated here.

“How can they see the love in our eyes, but still they don’t believe us?”

Ugh. As if that doesn’t make me feel sad and pissy and panicky (not to mention guilty) enough … today I had a follow-up doctor’s appointment after that first appointment back in June and the news wasn’t so good. Blood pressure is still high (but not as bad) and my cholesterol and triglycerides are not good. So my doc and I talked about diet and exercise again and what I can do to get those blood levels down. And naturally the topic led to decreasing the stress in my life. And when she asked me exactly whether or not any of my stressors would be ending any time soon … well yeah. I lost all composure. And that feeling emptiness … you know, the one where it feels like you don’t have a heart in your chest (or a uterus in my pelvis, in my case) overwhelmed me.

Because the reality is that this feeling of stress and anxiety is not going to be over any time soon. Okay, the work one hopefully should wrap up in a couple of weeks once we officially close out this work improvement group. But the fact that in a few days there will be yet another child in this world … in this family … that I did not give birth to? That one will sting for quite a while.

“And after all this time, they don’t want to believe us.”

I thought that maybe once the pregnancy was officially over, I might start to feel a little more happiness. That since my SIL will no longer be pregnant, I can start to mend my pain. And not to mention … mend the relationship I have with my SIL. Especially with this pregnancy, as it’s expected with relative certainty that my niece will be 100% healthy.

The truth is, I should know better. Sure I still felt lousy even after my SIL’s last pregnancy with Liam. I chalked it up to the fact that Liam was premature and was in the NICU. It would be only natural to feel upset and depressed over that. But today I realized that it wasn’t just the fact that Liam was experiencing so many health issues that had me so sad. Oh no … that sadness was just a branch stemming from my overall IF journey.

“And if they don’t believe us now, will they ever believe us?”

Because as I look back now… despite all the heartache and pain that came with my SIL’s pregnancy and Liam’s short life, I would do anything … go through anything just to be able to experience creating and sustaining a life that biologically belonged to my husband and me. Even if our child would only be physically with us for four months.

And now, knowing that my niece will be entering this world in a few short days, I will once again be witness to a biological life that won’t be mine.

“And when you want to live, how do you start? Where do you go?
ho do you need to know?”

“The Boy with a Thorn in His Side”
– The Smiths