"The Girl with a Thorn in Her Side"

Yup. There’s always something about “The Smiths” that I can always relate to whenever I’m in a sad or pissy or panicky mood. And right now, I’m pretty much feeling all of those things. So, it’s no wonder I’ve got one of my favorite albums of all time, “The Queen Is Dead” streaming from my ipod. And not in shuffle mode either … because there’s just something lyrical about the way the whole album plays out. Anyway …

As mentioned in my last post, my pregnant SIL is scheduled for her c-section later in the week. And I thought I was doing relatively well reeling back all of those waves of emotion. Really. I did. For a while there, I was actually excited for the end of the week to come. I mean, after all … I absolutely love everything about a newborn baby. And I’m always in such awe when seeing this little life eat and sleep and coo … So much that at times, it supercedes the feeling of sadness or jealousy.

I would have been absolutely content going on feeling excited about my niece’s impending birth, but then since when does anything ever stay the same? (Well, except for the fact that after ten-plus years I still can’t get pregnant).

“Behind the hatred there lies a plundering desire for love.”

Yesterday at work, a co-worker who is aware of all the trials and tribulations of my IF journey, randomly asked how my SIL was doing. This is the same co-worker who’s daughter at one time was also going through IF issues but with the magic of one f*cking round of Clomid managed to get knocked up. And now, four years and three kids later (the last two were completely “natural” as I’ve been told), this co-worker is just the proud little grandmother. But I digress …

Anyway, when this co-worker found out that my SIL was going to deliver in a matter of days, she was absolutely over-the-top excited about it. I mean really, she was literally jumping for joy.

Now, okay. I understand being excited and happy for someone you know. But being that animated over a pregnancy for someone that you’ve never met? I mean, really … don’t you think that’s a little too much? Alright … given the events that had happened with my SIL’s pregnancy with Liam, I’ll give my co-worker that much. However, all I wanted was just a little bit of sympathy for me. I mean seriously, people. A little loyalty concern for my well-being would be appreciated here.

“How can they see the love in our eyes, but still they don’t believe us?”

Ugh. As if that doesn’t make me feel sad and pissy and panicky (not to mention guilty) enough … today I had a follow-up doctor’s appointment after that first appointment back in June and the news wasn’t so good. Blood pressure is still high (but not as bad) and my cholesterol and triglycerides are not good. So my doc and I talked about diet and exercise again and what I can do to get those blood levels down. And naturally the topic led to decreasing the stress in my life. And when she asked me exactly whether or not any of my stressors would be ending any time soon … well yeah. I lost all composure. And that feeling emptiness … you know, the one where it feels like you don’t have a heart in your chest (or a uterus in my pelvis, in my case) overwhelmed me.

Because the reality is that this feeling of stress and anxiety is not going to be over any time soon. Okay, the work one hopefully should wrap up in a couple of weeks once we officially close out this work improvement group. But the fact that in a few days there will be yet another child in this world … in this family … that I did not give birth to? That one will sting for quite a while.

“And after all this time, they don’t want to believe us.”

I thought that maybe once the pregnancy was officially over, I might start to feel a little more happiness. That since my SIL will no longer be pregnant, I can start to mend my pain. And not to mention … mend the relationship I have with my SIL. Especially with this pregnancy, as it’s expected with relative certainty that my niece will be 100% healthy.

The truth is, I should know better. Sure I still felt lousy even after my SIL’s last pregnancy with Liam. I chalked it up to the fact that Liam was premature and was in the NICU. It would be only natural to feel upset and depressed over that. But today I realized that it wasn’t just the fact that Liam was experiencing so many health issues that had me so sad. Oh no … that sadness was just a branch stemming from my overall IF journey.

“And if they don’t believe us now, will they ever believe us?”

Because as I look back now… despite all the heartache and pain that came with my SIL’s pregnancy and Liam’s short life, I would do anything … go through anything just to be able to experience creating and sustaining a life that biologically belonged to my husband and me. Even if our child would only be physically with us for four months.

And now, knowing that my niece will be entering this world in a few short days, I will once again be witness to a biological life that won’t be mine.

“And when you want to live, how do you start? Where do you go?
ho do you need to know?”

“The Boy with a Thorn in His Side”
– The Smiths

10 Replies to “"The Girl with a Thorn in Her Side"”

  1. I’m so wishing we lived close right now, I would bring over a huge pie, vat of ice cream and bake some cookies (food is love, right?).

    I was so at this hell-like place you are at when both my neice and newphew were born. It sucks, ride it out and know that it will get better.

    I promise. It just has to at some point, right? You have a friends that love you – we are all here for you!

    XOXO -K

    PS – LOVED the Smiths reference. I will be playing them on our road trip, thinking of you and sending good, peace-filled thoughts your way.


    I understand how hard this can be. My SIL had 3 gorgeous ones in the last 4 years as I watched. It can hurt. I hope you can mend your heart soon.

  3. I will be loyal to you! Want me to bitch slap your coworker? I know it hurts and I wish there were something I could do/say/send to make it all better. And I’m thinking Kara needs to bring those cookies she’s talking about to Vegas…

  4. It’s pathetic that some women only seem to get energized over crap like pregnancy and babies. How utterly dull.

    But my dear Emily, I know where you’re coming from. How that longing eats away at you. Maybe letting it gnaw for a bit will lead you so some new insights and new ways to get away from what’s hurting you.

    Sending you lots of hugs, healing, and hope…

  5. Oh, one of my most favorite Smiths songs… sorry it’s mirroring your life right now.

    You’re right about that empty feeling in your chest (or pelvis as the case may be). And about needing some damn sympathy. I mean, YAY and BLESSINGS on your sister-in-law and future niece, but shit, that has to hurt to feel that again. Part of the reason that I had such a bad visit with my friend recently was that over and over again, I needed her sympathy, or just an understanding ear, and she (over and over again) either told me I need to see a shrink or that I was basically delusional or flat out wrong.

    So let me just say, on behalf of all those who haven’t given you what you need that I hear you. I’m sorry for the loss you are experiencing, and even though it’s ultimately the gain of an amazing new family member, for now, it IS a loss (a loss of your chance, of your experience, of your ability to contribute what your SIL has been able to contribute). I’m just so sorry, and it’s just not fair at all. You deserve better. I see the love in your eyes and I believe you.

  6. emliy, i’m glad you are acknowledging your feelings about your new niece. i remember the first time i “met” you when you were helping me deal with my feelings about my SIL’s m/c and later pregnancy. it’s tough to have all these feelings that seem so unsavory, but are so real. denying that you have them just gives them that much more power.

    personally, i’ve always done better with babies than with pregnant women. for some reason, seeing a woman in that obviously fertile state just pissed me off… why her, not me?!? the end result seemed more egalitarian… perhaps because i knew that one day i’d be a mother, but i wasn’t so sure that i’d get the chance to be pregnant.

    hopefully, the birth of your niece will bring you some kind of peace. obviously, your pain will always be there, but hopefully time will bring you joys of your own that will help you heal.


  7. wow. Your heart is right here on the page.
    Hugging you for the 50th time tonight (virtually) after like 12 years (more?) of naught. too long.

  8. Hi I came across your site thru looking for smiths pictures. you write v. well and honestly about stuff, well done. hope things are well for you at this time.


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