The day stretched on as if it were the longest day of summer; yet it was the middle of winter. It was only 4:30 pm, but dusk was around the corner; the clouds in the wintery sky making it seem darker than it should be.
She should be doing something to keep her mind busy; anything to take her thoughts off the shades of grief that lay inside the pit of her stomach. Instead, she sat at her local bookstore’s cafe mindlessly flipping through the latest gossip rags and fashion magazines.
Normally reading such things would entertain her; would make her laugh at such ridiculousness. Or at the very least, inspire her to change her wardrobe to something other than jeans and a t-shirt. But today, she neither felt nor heard nothing but the silent hum inside her head that told her that something about her was defective.
That silent hum had always lived inside of her for as long as she could remember. She never felt pretty enough or smart enough to accomplish anything significant in her life. And although she had a good career and an incredible husband, she never thought she could deserve to be happy.
At times in her life, the silent hum would surface outwardly. When she and her husband found it difficult to start their family, that hum became a silent roar. When she lost her job, the silent roar returned. However, eventually that roar would once again return to a hum.
She knew that her antsy-ness today was because that hum was slowly turning into a roar. She even knew her actions over Christmas was its root cause. But just like those other times, she had no idea how to silence the roar. She had no way of stopping such negative, self-defeating feelings that lay rooted inside of her.
Although she knew she had the support of her husband, her best friend in life … her family … she also knew she would ultimately be the one responsible for taming the beast inside herself.
She also knew that in order to tame the beast, she had to get rid of the hum all together. She had to stop depreciating herself and start to build up that self-esteem.
This will prove to be a difficult task for her; especially since she never particularly had consistent, ongoing self-confidence. Her entire life had been rooted in self-doubt with only fleeting moments of confidence. It would take a lot to rid her life of that silent hum.
What could she do? What *would* she do? She had already sought the help of professionals; she already had the support of her loving husband. The only thing she could do is uproot those thoughts of self-doubt and self-deprecation and replant confidence and self-esteem in its place.
It sounded simple enough; replace the negative with the positive. Believe that the glass is half-full rather than half-empty. Begin to believe in herself.
But why then, did it seem so much more complicated than that? Why does the silent hum persist?
3 Replies to “Too Pieces”
Sending love your way today and always, this pain of IF is such a bitch. I am so sorry for your hurt. I have a shovel and am happy to help dig you out of the rubble. Always remember the inspiration you are to all of us and our love for you.
I *knew* I could count on a Yaz link with a title like that!
Anyway, yeah. Life is a major effin’ downer sometimes. The holidays and the wintertime and things just combine sometimes to knock us on our tails. That hum is hard to shake, hard to silence. And I’m sorry it’s still following you. But I like that you have a path declared– start with believing in yourself. *I* believe in you. Lots of us do. I know you can shake this and find your way to beautiful silence. (insert youtube link to Enjoy The Silence here…)
Big fat internet hugs, my friend.