I’ve been feeling a little off for the past week and a half. It started out as something simple, like feeling even more tired that I usually already am on a given day. Then I had this horrible headache that just wouldn’t go away. Towards the end of last week, I just felt like I wasn’t thinking or acting or generally functioning right.
The last time I felt this way was back in March, and even back then I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling “off.” It wasn’t until a friend pointed out to me that it was the yearly “anniversary” of my failed IVF attempt. This friend, who is also a nurse, had a theory that the body can “remember” when certain past events come up during the course of the year. And though I might not have consciously remembered that March was the month that I failed to keep my little embryos tucked inside of me, my body certainly did. Or, more accurately, even though I may have been trying my best to FORGET the horrible emotions I felt one March, my body wasn’t letting me.
Initially, hearing that information made me angry. After all, we’re talking about the same body that has “betrayed” me. This is the same body that failed to carry a baby, let alone successfully create a life all on its own. So now I’m supposed to recognize that my body was reminding me of a very agonizing time in my life? And I’m supposed to trust my body, or more precisely, trust that the emotions I’ve been feeling are valid and not simply “crazy thoughts”? That hopefully, by remembering all the pain I went through that month, I will be able to move away from it? I wanted to chuck that theory out the window. Yet … the interesting thing was, once I acknowledged that the memory of that cold and lonely March was why I was feeling so funky, my fogginess started to clear.
So what event was my body trying to remind me of this time? Well, almost a year ago while sitting at home watching the big University of Michigan vs. Ohio State football game in Columbus, OH on the TV, our phone rang. Now, if you’ve read my previous blog, or if you just really know my husband and I, we are huge Michigan football fans. And every year, the game against Ohio State is the biggest game of the season. So when the phone rang, we let the answering machine pick it up. What we heard on the machine was my SIL telling us her great news … that she and her husband were pregnant. And, well … we all can just imagine how well I took that news.
It isn’t just the news of my SIL’s pregnancy that one day in November that has sent me into some sort of emotional vortex. Really, I think it’s what that day symbolizes. It’s the day that I believe I hit absolute rock bottom in my infertility journey. And it was also the beginning of a year of incredible lows and lowers.
Apparently, this past week, my body has been telling me to remember that point in my life. To acknowledge where I was a year ago this coming Saturday. There are still some days I wish I could just forget that this past year has ever happened. However, I now recognize that I do have to look back and remember just so I can move forward towards whatever direction in life I’m supposed to take. Maybe it’s my body’s way of telling me to forgive “it” … or rather, to forgive myself … for not being able to bring my own flesh and blood into this world. And maybe, in some strange sense, my body is telling me to learn to trust my instincts and my overall self again.
5 Replies to “Trusting Myself”
Moving on from those life altering moments is always hard. It took me a couple of years to get over my incident like that. I am so much stronger now after I worked through it. Denial helped for a little while, but then taking a machette to all my issues helped more.
I’m so glad you can write about what you are feeling… what your body and heart and mind are reminding you of. What you went through was horrible. It is still sad and awful. Just remember to do what you need to in order to continue healing and remaining present.
Just last week I was so freaked out by all the messages in my head that I took it out on our heavy bag. It WAS hanging in the garage. After a couple minutes with my fist hitting it, the bag was lying on the floor. I guess I had some emotions to get out.
Can’t wait to see you tomorrow. We definitely need to talk.
Hang in there Em.