Michigan Football

I Remember

Hi! How was your Thanks­giv­ing week­end, read­ers? And for my neigh­bors to the north, hope you were able to cash in on some of the US’s “Black Fri­day” deals … or do you even have any sales like that for the day after the US’s Thanks­giv­ing hol­i­day? Yes, I’m just being curious.

My Thanks­giv­ing week­end was good: Got to spend time with Hubby’s fam­ily on Turkey Day. And on the week­end, man­aged to eek out a few great sav­ings from Black Fri­day; both locally and at the “big box” shops. But the point is, I man­aged to check off a few peo­ple off my Christ­mas list.

More impor­tantly, my favorite col­lege foot­ball team man­aged to win the all-​​important “Biggest Rivalry in Col­lege Foot­ball” game. AND we got to watch the game at a bar & grill, hang­ing out with my two cousins.

These two girls — the youngest of my Dad’s nieces (and close to 20 years younger than me!) — have seri­ously been the sup­port I’ve needed this past year while deal­ing with my Dad’s pass­ing. Maybe it’s because, like me, Dad had played an impor­tant part in their lives; many times being the father-​​figure that they’ve needed. And as we talked through­out that day, I some­how man­aged to remem­ber how much my Dad’s pass­ing has affected them as well.

I for­got how my Dad would stick up for them if their moth­ers (my Dad’s sis­ters) gave them prob­lems. I for­got how Dad would man­age to sneak them some cash when he thought no one was look­ing. I for­got how much he loved to play with them, and as they got older, joke around with them. I forgot.

So to my two cousins, who miss my Dad as much as I miss him … know that I remem­ber and that I’m for­ever grate­ful that you two always man­age to check up on me when I need it most.

******

And Rain? Don’t worry, my dar­ling kitty. I didn’t for­get about today either. I can never for­get the day that I lost my first and most favorite kitty in the world. Hope you’re up there keep­ing Dad company .…

 

Hail …

Whew. What a foot­ball game! And I swear … that 4th Quar­ter nearly gave me a heart attack. But what a way to kick off the first-​​ever “Under The Lights” game at Michi­gan Stadium.

And I’m so glad we were there. Except …

Except on the ride home — while bask­ing in the after­glow of an under­dog win — I sud­denly felt a pang of sadness.

Today, Hubby & I decided to visit Dad. But before then, we decided to head to one of our favorite Detroit-​​area pizze­rias. As I “checked in” to the restau­rant on foursquare from my iPhone, I felt another pang of sadness.

While at the ceme­tery, Hubby and I had our usual “con­ver­sa­tion” with Dad; telling him about what has been going on, even though we knew he could see us from above. We told him about the amaz­ing come-​​from-​​behind Wolver­ine win. And we told him about eat­ing at one of his favorite pizze­rias for lunch.

And as we told him about these thing, I felt the tears roll down my cheek. Because I missed him.

I missed how we used to go to Piz­za­pa­palis for spe­cial occa­sions like Father’s Day 2010 … the last time I “checked in” on foursquare at that restaurant.

And I missed how Dad never failed to call me after such excit­ing foot­ball games (or any other sport­ing events) to tease me that he was there at the game … even though we both knew he was just watch­ing the game on TV while sit­ting in his recliner.

It amazes me how much one can miss silly things such as these … when you know it won’t hap­pen again.

Thanks for the Wolver­ine win, Dad …

Yada Yada … and Then Some

See? I don’t think my niece, Kairi is ready for Fall either!

Sad but true … tonight was the first night I stepped out­side my house since Labor Day.

It’s a good thing Hubby made it a Din­ner & A Movie kind of night, oth­er­wise I would have likely stayed at home in my paja­mas as I had done all week long.

What can I say? I love work­ing from home … well, at least when I’m not trav­el­ing for my job. And see­ing that I’ve spent the past few months “grounded” at home, doing all web-​​based “vir­tual train­ing” all day in my home office … some­times I see no rea­son to step out of the house.

I guess it’s also a good thing it was a short week.

But see­ing that the weather in Metro-​​Detroit has been pretty much crappy since Mon­day, it’s prob­a­bly best I stayed away from the annoy­ing dri­vers who can’t seem to fig­ure out how to drive in the rain.

I mean … really, peo­ple. We live in the Motor City, we should all know how to drive like mail car­ri­ers: Nei­ther rain, nor snow, nor sleet — yada yada …

As if I don’t have enough to whinge about, here’s my biggest gripe for the day: Today I put on a pair of jeans for the first time since May. Although I was (very) grate­ful that they still fit (whew!), I was more upset that this meant we were one step fur­ther away from summer.

Can you tell I don’t want the warm weather to disappear?

I don’t know why I’ve been feel­ing like this lately. I mean I truly love Autumn and every­thing that sur­rounds the beau­ti­ful sea­son … but it’s almost as if this year I’m dread­ing it.

I’m begin­ning to think that it’s not that I no longer like the com­ing sea­son, but rather I don’t like think­ing about what comes after the leaves fall from the trees and the bit­ter cold starts to set­tle in. After all, I’ve never been much of a Win­ter person.

Maybe it’s because Autumn means I’m one step closer to Thanks­giv­ing … to the week­end when my beloved Rain passed away. To when my Dad first entered the hos­pi­tal that first week in Decem­ber. To when he passed away.

It doesn’t seem pos­si­ble that it’ll be a year very soon. Yet it almost seems a life­time apart. There are some days I’m per­fectly okay with things; okay with get­ting on with my life.

But then there are those other days … days like this past week … where the emo­tions are still so raw; so painful to even think about. And although those moments don’t hap­pen as fre­quently any more … when they do, they seem so much more intense.

In any case, I know that time doesn’t stop for grief. If there is any­thing that deal­ing with the emo­tions of Infer­til­ity has taught me is that life keeps mov­ing on despite the all hurt and pain.

Too bad it only took me ten years to dis­cover this. <smirk>

So here’s what I plan to do to keep mov­ing on: Tomor­row I’m gonna enjoy going to the Big House for the first night-​​time Michi­gan Foot­ball game. (Woo-​​hoo! Go Blue!) And Sun­day we’ll go watch Hubby’s younger cousin peform with his HS March­ing Band at one of the small-​​town parades. And Mon­day? I go for my first gui­tar lessons.

So yeah … maybe get­ting myself (and keep­ing myself out of the house) will do me some good.

In the mean time … maybe this video will inspire me to embrace Autumn in Ann Arbor …

(Not so) Serious Rants

Pic­tures from Foot­ball Saturday

Well, I can’t believe the last week of Octo­ber is already here. It seems like just yes­ter­day that it was Labor Day week­end and Hubby & I were cel­e­brat­ing our 12th wed­ding anniversary.

And even though the past two months felt like they’ve flown by … when going over the blog posts I’ve writ­ten dur­ing this time period, it feels as if the end of August was a life­time away.

Yes, I did not deal with cer­tain events dur­ing this inter­val very well. And to some extent I’m still not doing so hot. But I think I’ve come to the deci­sion that there isn’t much more I can do that would make things any bet­ter or any worse for me at this moment. As my Hubby is so fond of say­ing, “It is what it is.” In other words, accept it and move on.

This com­ing Sat­ur­day will include a fam­ily func­tion that … I’ll be hon­est … I’m a lit­tle appre­hen­sive to attend. How­ever, I will do so only for the love of these chil­dren and for the love of fam­ily. I’m not exactly sure how the rest of the fam­ily will treat me, but I will make the effort to be on my best behav­ior. I have a feel­ing I will be full of anx­i­ety for the dura­tion we are there, but per­haps the lit­tle white magic pill I’ll take before head­ing out the door will help. Thank G*d for mod­ern chemistry.

In addi­tion, I’m already expect­ing work to be extremely busy this week. (Okay, so when is it not busy?!) The Process Improve­ment group I’m part of is pre­sent­ing it’s results from our first ses­sion to the big-​​wig execs tomor­row, which means that I should find some­thing other than jeans to wear to work. And yes, I am lucky enough to work for a com­pany that sees the value in pro­mot­ing casual work wear (which includes jeans, in our case). And I think it’s great as a Health Insur­ance Com­pany, that they did this to help pro­mote exer­cise, activ­ity and over­all healthy liv­ing. But crap … I haven’t worn “business-​​wear” in years. Not since the days of being a “stupor-​​visor.” Do I even fit into any of it? Some­how methinks not.

Any­way …

This past Sat­ur­day, Hubby & I spent the day in Ann Arbor doing a very typ­i­cal Midwestern-​​y Fall Activ­ity. Well typ­i­cal for those that enjoy watch­ing sports. We spent the day watch­ing the annual “Bat­tle for the State” game; the Uni­ver­sity of Michi­gan vs. Michi­gan State foot­ball game at the Big House. We were expect­ing it to be a very cold and wet day, but the weather gods appar­ently decided to be kind to us instead. Unfor­tu­nately the sports gods weren’t too kind to my team, as we lost. It was an excit­ing game, nonetheless.

Oh, and I just hap­pened to snap a pic­ture of this:


Yep, that’s right some of the Uni­ver­sity of Michi­gan stu­dents sup­port­ing “Oba-​​den” (uh-​​huh … I like com­bin­ing words).

It’s see­ing those things that remind me why I enjoyed col­lege life so much. Those were the days where I felt I could make some sort of dif­fer­ence in the world. The days where I felt invin­ci­ble. Not that I’m not con­tribut­ing to soci­ety and mak­ing a dif­fer­ence in this world right now … I think I find myself more invis­i­ble these days than invin­ci­ble. In any case … the pic­ture ROCKS! And I’m so sur­prised that there weren’t too many “McPalin” sup­port­ers at the game; espe­cially because I have this image of the rich, older U of M alumni being more Repub­li­can than Democratic.

Any­way (as I con­tinue to bab­ble), on the 40-​​some minute drive to Ann Arbor (and after­wards, as we were stuck in post-​​game traf­fic), Hubby and I were lis­ten­ing to a cou­ple of NPR pod­casts we down­loaded onto our iPod. One of the pod­casts came highly rec­om­mended by a co-​​worker/​NPR-​​listener/​friend of mine, as it was an episode of “This Amer­i­can Life” that broke down the cur­rent eco­nomic cri­sis in terms that every­day peo­ple could under­stand. And while search­ing for that episode online, Hubby found another episode aired in May of this year and was actu­ally the pre­de­ces­sor to this Octo­ber episode.

The Wolverine fan in me is still trying to understand how Sparty is the most favorite mascot ...

The Wolver­ine fan in me is still try­ing to under­stand how Sparty is Col­lege Football’s most favorite mascot

Now, I can’t claim any prior knowl­edge (other than what we typ­i­cally hear in the daily news­casts) on exactly why our coun­try is in such eco­nomic tur­moil. How­ever, I can tell you this. The more I lis­tened and learned, the more I found myself get­ting angrier. Seri­ously. Noth­ing says “Let’s make more money off the poor so we can get richer” like lis­ten­ing to some of the sto­ries told.

And the fact that none of these finan­cial “schemes” (for lack of bet­ter word) have been reg­u­lated?! Well … it totally pisses off the RN Case Man­ager in me that works for a Health Insur­ance com­pany where … any­thing and every­thing (in terms of dol­lars and cents) is scru­ti­nized by the gov­ern­ment. Okay, so I totally under­stand that reg­u­lat­ing health care is a mat­ter of life and death. But really (in my hum­ble opin­ion), by not reg­u­lat­ing our finan­cial mar­ket at all … well crap! We’re let­ting strangers bet on our liveli­hoods. And when you think about it, that’s what these finan­cial peo­ple are doing … gam­bling with our lives!

Okay, I will get off my high horse for now. But again, I strongly rec­om­mend you lis­ten­ing to these pod­casts. There’s a 95 cent fee to down­load the pod­cast from the web­site. Or you can always lis­ten to them free directly on the site.

Oh, and while I’m on the whole NPR thing. Here’s a lit­tle tid­bit I heard on the radio this evening. Appar­ently there is mod­ern ver­sion of the “New Tes­ta­ment” com­ing out tomor­row that sup­pos­edly is very “pop culture”-ish. The lit­tle bit I caught talked about hav­ing images in it like Co​.ca​.Co​.la and Gandhi. But the best part was hear­ing this girl say, “Can’t have a bible with­out Bono!”

And with that crack of light­ning (from the heav­ens above) … I’m “Audi 5000″!

Tagged

So I was offi­cially “Tagged” by kcmarie waaaay back at the end of Decem­ber. I fig­ured I prob­a­bly should finally get around to doing it. Appar­ently there has been some “rules” that have been posted since I ini­tially got tagged, so I fig­ured I would add it to my post as well.

The Rules:

  1. Link to the per­son that tagged you.
  2. Post the rules on your blog.
  3. Share six non-​​important things/​habits/​quirks about yourself.
  4. Tag at least three peo­ple at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
  5. Let each per­son know they have been tagged by leav­ing a com­ment on their blog.
  6. Let the fun begin!

Ummmm … Let’s see. Six non-​​important quirks about me.

  1. I brush my teeth with my left hand. Which would not be any big deal except that I’m right-​​handed in every­thing else. I’ve tried switch­ing hands many times, but for some rea­son I always revert sub­con­sciously to my left hand.
  2. I always have to sleep with one foot, prefer­ably the right (told you I was a righty), out­side of the blan­ket. Even if I’m lying on the side, I always have to have a foot out. It could be freez­ing cold in our bed­room to the point that my head is even under the cov­ers, but I absolutely have to keep one foot on the out­side. I’m not quite sure the rea­son why, but it’s just some­thing I have always done. Some­times I think that my mind is telling me that I must always be ready to move or get up at the spur of the moment.
  3. Back in high school, I was nick­named the “Human Juke­box” because I would always know the words to any song. Friends would spit out two words to a song and I would lit­er­ally know what song they were talk­ing about. Unfor­tu­nately, that “tal­ent” faded once I got into col­lege because sud­denly my mind had to be filled with the other “use­ful” knowl­edge it was sup­posed to con­tain in order for me to grad­u­ate with my Nurs­ing degree. Appar­ently though, my “tal­ent” has started to resur­face because I’m sud­denly being approached by co-​​workers who say I should be on that new TV show where I’m sup­posed to com­plete the lyrics. Yikes! I’d have too much stage fright!
  4. Speak­ing of high school, I was voted “Class New-​​Waver.” I mean, come ON! How 80’s could that get?! Per­son­ally, I would have thought that I would have been “Class Goth” if there was ever that cat­e­gory back then. But then again, we’re talk­ing Catholic school here. I guess it was because even back then, I only wore black (Thank God no uni­forms in high school at that time!) and sup­pos­edly lis­tened to what was con­sid­ered “alter­na­tive music” back then. Seri­ously though, I think God got back at me for wear­ing all that black in high school, because once I got into the Nurs­ing pro­gram in col­lege all I was allowed to wear was white. Grrr …
  5. I took piano lessons for close to ten years when I was young. I loved play­ing the piano, but I hated the lessons. Prob­a­bly because I never was able to really “read” the notes as quickly as you would think some­one tak­ing lessons for that long would. Instead, I had a ten­dency to read the notes slowly, learn the “melody,” and then mem­o­rize it so I knew when some­thing “sounded” wrong when I played it. It used to drive my piano teacher INSANE. What I wish I would have known then was that there was a spe­cific method of teach­ing piano, called the Suzuki Method, that relied mostly on lis­ten­ing to a song over and over again in order to learn the tune. Then I might have found another instruc­tor and might have con­tin­ued tak­ing lessons.
  6. I’m not a par­tic­u­larly active or “fit” per­son, but I love watch­ing any type of sports. I think it comes from liv­ing in a city that has all the major pro-​​sports teams (hockey, base­ball, bas­ket­ball, foot­ball) and great uni­ver­si­ties with good sports pro­grams. Hubby & I are BIG Uni­ver­sity of Michi­gan Foot­ball Fans and are actu­ally pretty lucky to have sea­son tick­ets every year. The funny thing is that Hubby actu­ally is a U of M alumni, but do you think that we EVER went to any of the foot­ball games when he actu­ally attended the uni­ver­sity? Nope.  In fact, I never had any inkling that Hubby was a sports nut until after we were mar­ried. Which is when I really started get­ting into sports. Never thought I’d see the day when I actu­ally knew what the referee’s hand sig­nals actu­ally meant …

So that’s it about me. Six quirky things you never wanted to know.

I guess this is where I’m sup­posed to tag other peo­ple. Oh geez, I don’t have THAT big a cir­cle of friends, but I’ll tag hope548, court­ney rose, and sheila. Good luck, gals!!

Trusting Myself

I’ve been feel­ing a lit­tle off for the past week and a half. It started out as some­thing sim­ple, like feel­ing even more tired that I usu­ally already am on a given day. Then I had this hor­ri­ble headache that just wouldn’t go away. Towards the end of last week, I just felt like I wasn’t think­ing or act­ing or gen­er­ally func­tion­ing right.

Mother Goose & her Ducklings
at the Local Strip Mall

The last time I felt this way was back in March, and even back then I couldn’t fig­ure out why I was feel­ing “off.” It wasn’t until a friend pointed out to me that it was the yearly “anniver­sary” of my failed IVF attempt. This friend, who is also a nurse, had a the­ory that the body can “remem­ber” when cer­tain past events come up dur­ing the course of the year. And though I might not have con­sciously remem­bered that March was the month that I failed to keep my lit­tle embryos tucked inside of me, my body cer­tainly did. Or, more accu­rately, even though I may have been try­ing my best to FORGET the hor­ri­ble emo­tions I felt one March, my body wasn’t let­ting me.

Ini­tially, hear­ing that infor­ma­tion made me angry. After all, we’re talk­ing about the same body that has “betrayed” me. This is the same body that failed to carry a baby, let alone suc­cess­fully cre­ate a life all on its own. So now I’m sup­posed to rec­og­nize that my body was remind­ing me of a very ago­niz­ing time in my life? And I’m sup­posed to trust my body, or more pre­cisely, trust that the emo­tions I’ve been feel­ing are valid and not sim­ply “crazy thoughts”? That hope­fully, by remem­ber­ing all the pain I went through that month, I will be able to move away from it? I wanted to chuck that the­ory out the win­dow. Yet … the inter­est­ing thing was, once I acknowl­edged that the mem­ory of that cold and lonely March was why I was feel­ing so funky, my fog­gi­ness started to clear.

Rabid Wolver­ine Fans

So what event was my body try­ing to remind me of this time? Well, almost a year ago while sit­ting at home watch­ing the big Uni­ver­sity of Michi­gan vs. Ohio State foot­ball game in Colum­bus, OH on the TV, our phone rang. Now, if you’ve read my pre­vi­ous blog, or if you just really know my hus­band and I, we are huge Michi­gan foot­ball fans. And every year, the game against Ohio State is the biggest game of the sea­son. So when the phone rang, we let the answer­ing machine pick it up. What we heard on the machine was my SIL telling us her great news … that she and her hus­band were preg­nant. And, well … we all can just imag­ine how well I took that news.

It isn’t just the news of my SIL’s preg­nancy that one day in Novem­ber that has sent me into some sort of emo­tional vor­tex. Really, I think it’s what that day sym­bol­izes. It’s the day that I believe I hit absolute rock bot­tom in my infer­til­ity jour­ney. And it was also the begin­ning of a year of incred­i­ble lows and lowers.

Appar­ently, this past week, my body has been telling me to remem­ber that point in my life. To acknowl­edge where I was a year ago this com­ing Sat­ur­day. There are still some days I wish I could just for­get that this past year has ever hap­pened. How­ever, I now rec­og­nize that I do have to look back and remem­ber just so I can move for­ward towards what­ever direc­tion in life I’m sup­posed to take. Maybe it’s my body’s way of telling me to for­give “it” … or rather, to for­give myself … for not being able to bring my own flesh and blood into this world. And maybe, in some strange sense, my body is telling me to learn to trust my instincts and my over­all self again.

No “Boo-​​ey” Fan

Okay, let’s get one thing straight. I’m absolutely bummed that Michi­gan lost to Appalachian State, 34 to 32. I’m really sad that this loss has ruined their chance to get a National Cham­pi­onship this year. But I am NOT giv­ing up on my “boys.”

I mean, just because the Wolver­ines don’t have a prayer in win­ning the National Title this year does not mean their sea­son is over or a total loss. What about the Rose Bowl? What about the Big Ten title?

Hubby & I were at that game and knew, as we were watch­ing it, that the defense wasn’t ready and that Chad Henne was hav­ing a pretty bad game. But we’re not so much angry than we are more dis­ap­pointed at Lloyd Carr and the rest of the team. Did the team think this was just going to be a “blow-​​off” game since Appalachian State wasn’t even in the same divi­sion? I would have thought that Carr would be more proac­tive in enforc­ing that this game was to be treated like any other game; whether they were play­ing against a Big Ten team or not.

The next morn­ing, Hubby and I were dis­cussing the game. He made a com­ment to me that he was not a “boo-​​ey” fan. I imme­di­ately said to him, “Nei­ther am I. I’m not like some of those other fair­weather fans that swing back and forth, much like a ‘buoy’ does with the sway of the tides.” Hubby laughed and said, “I really meant a ‘boo-​​ey’ fan … you know, a fan who just boo’s the team when they’re not doing good.” Talk about tak­ing a more sym­bolic approach to it!

Regard­less, Hubby and I are nei­ther “boo-​​ey” nor “buoy” fans. The Michi­gan Wolver­ines will always (and for­ever more) be our team regard­less of if they win or lose. GO BLUE!

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