It’s after midnight and I’m finding myself in some sort of funk.
Which is sad, because my last posts were all about trying to enjoy the simple things in life; like the unconditional love that a pet can give you.
I am truly and utterly in a funk.
And I hate it.
I’ve (obviously) been trying my best to be optimistic about everything, but lately it seems as if I can’t catch a break. And it’s ridiculous, because it hasn’t even been more than a month since my life turned topsy-turvy.
Maybe it’s because the loss of my job reminds me too much of another loss that I’ve finally came to closure on. Well, as “closed” as it could get anyway.
I’ve always alluded to the fact that my inability to have children of my own, to be a mother has made me feel less of a person. It’s made me that Filipina, who was brought up to think of bringing up her husband’s children is the only purpose in life, feel like I’ve lost any reason to exist in this lifetime.
And once I “resolved” myself to a life withouth children, I naturally gravitated to my career as the next “logical” reason to get out of bed every day.
Which, when you look at the time line of my blog, you’d notice it. Starting back in Autumn of 2008, up to the point where Hubby & I decided to “cut the strings.” Plain as night and day; written in black and white. (Figuratively speaking, that is). And when you see how much I put into this job since moving to Chicago; all the effort I made to making my career … it’s obvious that I found something to fill the void of Motherlessness.
Then suddenly and unexpectedly, I find myself without a job. I find myself without yet another purpose in life.
I find myself struggling with the loss of yet another reason for my existence.
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Earlier today, I asked my husband what my purpose in life was.
This was all before I came to the conclusion I did up above; before connecting the dots as to why I’m feeling the same kind of loss for my job as I did for the loss of Motherhood.
Before I realized that I wasn’t quite that crazy for having these negative thoughts; however irrational it may have seemed at the time.
And Hubby’s answer was, “It’s whatever we want it to be.”
In my mind I know that Hubby’s right. And my heart tells me that he’s right for me to think of this as a time of opportunity.
But the empty feeling I have in my gut keeps digging away at my core; struggling to find something out of nothing. And I wish I could make it stop.
Damn … but I was doing so well.
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* In case you’re wondering where the title of this post came from, it’s the name of a Cocteau Twins song that completely reflects the mood I’m in. Take a listen to it here … isn’t it hauntingly beautiful?
Despite what society likes to make you think, your self-worth is not based on your job, your family, or your lot in life. You are SOOO loved, cherished, and valued beyond comprehension. You are God’s child, and once you come to that realization, your perspective on life changes. I’m not saying things suddenly “get better”…things just get easier to handle.
Sh** happens because we live in a broken, fallen world. You just need to find that strength to get through it all. Where there is a valley, there is a hill. So try and pick yoursef back up, and I’ll hold one hand while Bobby holds the other, and we’ll walk uphill together.
You can do it, Em. You have so much strength in you, it’s awe-inspiring.
You know, you get to have days where you’re sad. You are a source of strength to so many people that you’ve never even met in real life, though I imagine it’s hard to quantify that. And maybe tomorrow, or the next day, you’ll feel a little stronger. Until then, we’ve got your back.
Oh, I’m so sorry to hear about your funk. Losing a job and dealing with infertility are both traumatic experiences to the psyche (and there are studies that back this up!), and you just have to give yourself room to grieve and process it without being too judgmental on yourself.
I’ve also struggled with the “reason for existence” issue, though in reverse to you. I spent years searching for “my calling” and “the right job” – even though I have work now that is interesting and fulfilling, I still feel like I haven’t found what I want to do in my life. And I thought maybe I felt that way because my real calling was to be a mother, so I started TTC, and…well, we’ll see how that turns out, but it hasn’t been promising so far.
I’m trying very hard to come to terms that living might just be about “being” as opposed to “doing” – which isn’t something that is particularly encouraged in the “do-do-do” society that we live in. Anyway, I hope that you find some peace…and that you write about it so that we can all learn from you as we always do!
Oh, Cocteau Twins… how they speak to me!
I am so sorry you are enduring this semi-identity crisis right now. For what it’s worth, I went through the same thing after I was unexpectedly released from my job responsibilities. At the time, we weren’t quite ready to think about family, but I can imagine that after having shifted your focus away from a child-centered role, that having the blow to your career just made things so much harder. To top it off, in your particular career field, there’s a very strong identity associated with it. It’s not like you’re just some kind of random office drone– you have a specialized field that required extensive special training and one with which we associate very specific traits. And even though you aren’t a floor nurse anymore (and thus, you’re a bit separate from some of those pieces of the nursing identity), you are still a part of that general field.
So yeah. I just mean to say that I can totally see why you would be feeling some struggles as you come to terms with what it means to no longer be working in your field AND to no longer be pursuing a role that is so ingrained in your heart and in your culture. I wish you peace as you start to figure out who the new Emily will be.
As for me, the job loss ended up being a real blessing as it allowed me the opportunity to better understand who I was outside of being a finance/computer analyst (a role I was never really all that suited for anyway). I still haven’t answered that “what is my purpose?” question, but I have (at least) been able to say that I have a better idea of what my purpose is NOT!