One of our really good friends went on an interview recently for a job that he really REALLY wanted. And the thing is, both Hubby & I thought he’d be absolutely perfect at it. Plus, it would give him the opportunity to have an actual 9 to 5 job with no weekends or holidays. Which, of course, would make planning Red Coat Tavern or D&B outings a lot easier.
Unfortunately, he did not get that job and was understandably disappointed. And as he blogged about his disappointment, I couldn’t help but think of some words to console him.
What I wanted to say was that I was the type of person who believes that timing is everything. And in my infertility experience, that truly is the case. I mean, really. How many mornings did I wake up and roll over to grab my digital thermometer to take that basal temp? How many mornings did I have to run to the RE to get poked for blood to determine where my hormone levels were? And let’s not forget those early morning dates with the US technician and her magic wand. And when we’re talking serious science experiments here (aka, IVF), you’re literally dependent on perfect precise timing.
But that’s a different type of timing. That’s a “controlled” timing situation. Making sure that all the I’s are dotted and the T’s are crossed. That’s a much different type of timing when you compare it to “waiting for all the stars to line up” type of timing.
That type of timing is what I can best compare to as “fate” or “destiny.” When Path A intersects with Path B at a fixed point. When you just barely miss / catch those “Sliding Doors“ on the subway. And that’s the type of timing that I was thinking about when I contemplated on what my comment would be on our friend’s blog.
What I wanted to say to our friend was that I was the type of person that believed in that type of timing. That right now just wasn’t the “time” him to get the job. And that in the future, I believed that an even better opportunity would come along at the right time in his life. I truly do believe that for him, as he is such a wonderful person. Instead I simply stated that I hoped one day he would get that dream job that he so deserved.
I decided against using the whole “not the right time” statement, not because I didn’t believe it for him. Rather, I left it off because I’m feeling a little unsure about my own “fate” right now. Where exactly does my “destiny” lie? Am I ever supposed to be a mother? Am I really supposed to be achieving my “childhood dream“?
I’ve always been a firm believer in karma; the whole “what goes around, comes around” theory. I always sought to do the right things in life because I always thought that eventually good things would come back to me in spades.
I’m still waiting. And it’s waaay past even the standards for typical Filipino Time (which is alway late).
Okay, so I know that I’ve been given other good things in life … Good, stable job. Roof over my head. Food in my belly. Family and friends. Wonderful husband. But I’m still waiting for children, waiting to become a mother.
Maybe I haven’t done enough good things in my life at this point.
**********
On a completely unrelated note … check out the latest post on my other blog for a good laugh.
i think it’s natural to have highs and lows… feel good about yourself and your future at one time, and crappy about it all the next. we all have a sense of what our lives should be, but that doesn’t mean that that’s what they are meant to be (or simply “will be” for the less fatalistic). after this last series of lows, i’ve come to think karma is a lot more about how you live your life than what you get from life — if that makes any sense… and in that sense, it sounds like you and your friend are living as well as anyone can.
It’s not about a tally sheet of good deeds, but you know that. It’s not about our timing at all. It’s not always easy to see the big picture. I would still prefer to be able to get pregnant, but I’m really excited about adopting too, something I never thought I’d even consider. I can also look back and see that if we’d just gotten pregnant right away, or even if one of the IUIs had worked several years ago, my husband and I weren’t really ready and we weren’t on the same page. I guess what I’m going on and on about is that it’s hard to see the big picture, and we tend to want reasons and rationalizations for things.
I still don’t know when our time is, we’re still waiting, but we’re on a course. I hope your time is getting closer!
On occaision, I have the irrational thought that I’ve done something to deserve the infertility. Then I remember that there are crack addicts and teenagers that get pregnant all of the time, without trying. That really gets to me–makes me want to scream “that’s not fair!”
These thoughts are crazy for me, because I’m not really a karma kind of person. But hey, maybe I should be?
Nah. It’s just a medical thing.
However, I really do teeter on whether the stress in my life effects the treatments, etc. And there, I’m sort of stuck. If I quit my stressful job, then I can’t afford a baby. Irony.
21 was a fantastic movie! I love those ideas for your sidebars, and I think I will copy (with my own stuff, of course).
I’m with Hope. I hope your time is getting closer too. 🙂