Two Steps Back

So recently there was this really honest post that Duck put out in the blogiverse. It had to do about wanting to want to adopt. It’s one that apparently remained stuck in my mind, despite it being posted over two weeks ago.

I’m at the point in my life where I’ve really got to start figuring out what to do about adoption. I know it’s my next step, but yet every day there seems to be something that pops in my mind that puts me back another step or two. Especially these last four months.

First there was my Hubby’s grandmother. Then there was the news about another pregnancy for my SIL. And, of course, my Dad’s hospitalization.

And in between all these events, my good friend, Endometriosis decides to come back and nestle into my nice warm body. Oh, and shortly afterwards, Aunt Flo comes for the visit from H*LL. Nothing like emphasizing that I can’t get pregnant. It’s like an exclamation point (in this case, a “period”) at the end of me shouting “I am infertile.”

So yeah, like a said, a few steps back.

Not that I’m blaming any of these particular events for my recent train of thoughts. It’s more what I’ve somehow managed to have each separate event represent. (I over-analyze things, if you haven’t caught on by now.) SIL’s pregnancy? That’s easy … and obvious. Dad’s hospitalization? How precious and fragile life can be; and how things can change in the blink of an eye. Hubby’s grandma? How one’s life affects so many others … especially their kids and their grandkids, and so on and so on.

And all of this relates back to adoption and back to Duck‘s original post, how? Well, I honestly think that those going through IF need to fully resolve their issues of not being able to biologically produce their own child before they look to adoption.

At first, I thought I was there. I thought I could simply give up the notion of not being able to produce a biological child of mine. And when I talk about biological child … I’m strictly talking about a child that looks like a mixture of Hubby & me. One that might have certain features or personality traits or even habits similar to us. One who would know his or her family tree and complete health history.

But then there’s the other aspect of not being able to produce my own child. It’s the feeling of being pregnant. Of watching my belly grow. Of craving strange things or claiming that I need more ice cream or chocolate for “the baby.” Of experiencing the joy of a positive pregnancy test and sharing that moment with Hubby. Of seeing my baby’s heartbeat on an ultrasound. Of being the guest of honor at my very own baby shower. Of people rubbing my belly. Of strangers coming up to me and asking when I was due. Of touring the hospital’s birthing center. Of going through lamaze. Of hearing the cries of my baby after he or she was just delivered. Of holding him or her in my arms for the first time. Of breastfeeding. Of coming home from the hospital with my precious cargo and my Hubby standing right next to me.

All that and much much MUCH more. Probably more than anyone who has never experienced infertility could ever understand. Empathize, yes. Completely understand, no. But then if we’re also talking about walking in someone else’s shoe, I also wouldn’t understand what it was like to lose a child. Or worse, the love of my life.

In any case, I find myself suddenly back to where I was before January; knowing that adoption is our next step … but once again scared to move forward.

After all, to want to want to adopt is a big thing. And to do that means I could possibly have utterly and completely given up on that dream to become pregnant. And that’s a pretty damn scary thing.

0 Replies to “Two Steps Back”

  1. It’s a tough crossroads to be at…and you never want to look back with any regrets.

    Follow your heart…

  2. when you’re ready-you’ll be ready. you know? you’ll get there, and you don’t want to rush. mourning is involved. it is.
    and -i am not saying that this shoudl in any way diminsh the joy of having a bio child- but honestly, being p______ has been awfully hard on me. and my job. and life. it is hard. and stressful.
    we had begun the adoption process about a year ago. i am more than happy to help answer your questions.

  3. How do you ‘know it’s your next step’?

    I can totally relate in that the closer the adoption path comes to being a real possibility, the more I also realize this is much more complex than I ever imagined. One good thing that can come from the long wait times for international adoptions is the time it allows you to make peace with your choice and direction. then again, what do I know.

    I’d also like to give birth — bring forth life from my body. I’d also like to be shorter (since I am almost 5’11) and about 10 years younger. And those last two are never gonna happen. 😉

    Duck’s post was a good one.

  4. though i’m not quite in the same place in my i/f journey, i can understand what you mean about wanting to be pregnant in and of itself. mil and i have talked about adoption since long before we starting trying to get pregnant. we just always liked the idea of having an ethnically diverse family (don’t ask me why). but the thought of never getting pregnant… never experiencing “the miracle” is still very depressing to me. i want to know what it feels like to create a life… regardless of whether we adopt as well or not.

    this i/f sh*t is just so freakin’ unfair.

  5. I hear what you’re saying dear Emily. I definitely hear you.

    Want to know the crappy news? Chances are fairly high that you won’t ever “get over” not getting pregnant. And that sucks. Can’t that desire just go away once you have made the decision to make your family through adoption? That would be too easy. Too damn easy.

    I am so “right on” with adoption now. I know it’s our path. I AM PSYCHED. I am thrilled. I am emotional. I am planning. I am looking forward.

    That being said, yesterday I attended a baby shower for a very pregnant friend. And to make matters even more awesome, I was put on the “pregnant team” by some random lady during some stupid game. I know my jaw dropped with that one. I couldn’t help but stare at those amazing bellies and yearn for that. Along with that deep reaching out for everything that goes with pregnancy, labor, birth, etc.

    So I ask, will I ever “get over” not getting pregnant? No. I know I won’t. And may curses befall anyone who asks me to do so. Not kidding.

    Am I ready to be a mother? In more ways than I can count. And right now, adoption is the path that will make it happen. I feel blessed that it is an option for us. My newest ultimate fear is that everything will go to shit and that dream of mine won’t come true. Talk about a nightmare.

    One step at a time, friend. Don’t rush yourself. Don’t beat yourself up. Give yourself what you need to continue moving forward. You WILL get to wherever you need to get.

  6. this is a great post. and I love your photos. nothing is easy on this road. wishing you some clarity, in good time. and thanks so much for your comment before, it means a lot. ~luna

  7. It’s all a process. I just told someone yesterday that I was “done” with trying to have a baby. That voice that says “maybe this month” is now just a tiny voice. People offer out donor eggs or whatever, but I don’t want to enter that ART world again. I have no regrets. I gave it the old college try. You don’t get over infertility I believe. You simply have to find another way of carrying on with your life. But only you can decide what is best for your life.

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