I have this incredibly horrible habit of pulling myself away … of freezing up with this indescribable fear … when good news surrounds those I love.
But the thing is, it never seems … at least in my humble opinion … that I come off as sounding genuinely happy whenever I congratulate the receiver of such good news.
To me, it’s an awkwardness that I can only compare to expressing sympathy for the passing of a good friend’s aunt or uncle … I realize how important this family member was to my friend, however because I may have never physically met this family member … never really knew this person … I just can’t quite understand how much this death will have affected my good buddy.
Nevertheless, that clumsiness is socially acceptable. That feeling of ineptness is considered “normal” in most circles.
Whereas the ineptness I feel whenever whenever I attempt to express my happiness for my loved ones … Well, it’s as if I lack grace. Or elegance. It feels, although not purposefully, as if my smile never quite reach my eyes … as if the light bulb in my brain is permanently set on dim. It may appear to others that I am only “blithely” expressing my happiness for my loved ones, my friends. But that, I can tell you, is not the case.
In full disclosure, I do feel a bit of sadness. But this sadness is not directed at my loved ones. It is truly a sadness just for me … and is directed for myself alone.
I know I’m rambling incoherently here. And I know that despite the utter happiness I feel for my friends and my loved ones … I continue to have this emptiness in my chest (or in my uterus, as it may be).
I know, as Dr. SIL so eloquently stated, that another person’s biggest joy could very well coincide with my biggest grief. And I know this is the reason I find myself pulling away from those that I love during the happier moments in their lives.
I know all this. And logically, I also know that I’m allowed to feel such sadness for myself … to pull away during those snippets in time … all in order to move forward and away from my grief, and so I can remain strong in the face of my own personal demons.
But … it doesn’t stop me from continuing to feel the guilt. And this logic doesn’t stop me from feeling as if I’m such a horrible person for feeling the things that I do. Or that I’m downright being plain selfish by having such thoughts of sadness for myself, any myself alone.
And it certainly doesn’t help that society follows that same train of thought … that sadness in the midst of other people’s joy is neither polite nor socially acceptable.
That … that “social nonacceptance” is the basis for my irrational fear whenever good news is sprung in my direction. This is why I freeze.
Because quite frankly, I’m not sure if I should be honest with myself and allow myself to feel the way I do. Or if I should just “shut up” in order to remain socially acceptable.
Either way, it’s happiness mixed with a little angst. A bit of joy mixed with pain. A little sunshine with the rain.
And a whole lot of frustration and isolation (self-inflicted, of course) to boot.