There’s no other way to put this than saying that I’ve suddenly found myself unemployed. Without going into details, my whole world has … as the title of this post suggests … as been turned upside down. Once again.
But I’m trying my hardest not to feel weighted down, as if I’m falling down that rabbit hole of darkness.
Oh, who am I kidding? A week ago today, I fell. And I fell hard. But now I’m trying to climb out of that hole and not let all those negative thoughts pile up on me; like they did for years and years.
It’s funny how one big “fall” can trigger certain negative thoughts to resurface. And when I mean all … I mean all ; especially those illogical and irrational ones. For lack of better explanation, let me give you an example of my train of thoughts lately:
“I’ve lost my job because I wasn’t <insert negative adjective> enough.”
… quickly turns into …
“I’m just not a good person.”
… Then that turns into …
“And because I’m not a good person, I don’t deserve good things in life.”
… which then turns into …
“I don’t deserve to be a mother.”
Yep. When I alluded to all negative emotions … I meant all . Even those ones that I thought I might have resolved over the past year.
As Hubby pointed out to me this past week, when things get bad I tend to pile everything up into one big ball of negativity. And instead of thinking about what “good” I’ve done in my life, I pile on — no, I shovel on — all the “bad” dirt on top of the hole that I already fell down into. So for the past week, I’ve been trying desperately to unravel that tangled ball of yarn … dig out of that hole I’ve started to fill up … that has totally messed up my mind.
I’m much better today. Obviously, since I’m finding myself able to write about it now. But catch me three or four days ago, and I didn’t even have the energy to read my emails or screw around on Facebook. And we all know how much Emily loves her Facebook.
Having Hubby’s support, as well as both sets of parents and siblings, has been my saving grace. If it hadn’t been for them, I think I might have begun to believe those irrational thoughts about me being “bad.” And it’s because of an idea that Hubby came up with last night that I’ve decided to pick up my pen — er, laptop — and write (type?) again.
That idea? It came from a blog that Hubby, in his “design world”, stumbled on. This site, as the writer explains, is all about the small victories in life. And as Hubby has told me time and time again, I need to remember those achievements that I’ve made … especially when things get down and, well … dirty.
So this will be my goal. In the course of the day, I will try to find a small victory I’ve conquered. And I’ll continue to do this every day until I find a new job. (At least that’s the plan … )
Because right now, I think I need to wrap my own set of “Apron Strings” around myself. I need to find some of my own happiness in any little victory I can.
Oh, and my small victory for today? I turned on my laptop and started blogging again.
If you’re interested in reading the “whole” story, feel free to email me or comment below and I’ll send you the password for the following PWP-post. It’s not the same one that I’ve used before. **
** For obvious reasons, you’ll also find that any previously un-PWP posts related to work also share this same password.