Besides catching a movie on Friday night and going to the Lion’s game today, I’ve not been out of the house much this weekend. Truth be told, I had piles of laundry to do and a house that (still) needs a lot of polishing up. But really, the reason we spent most of the weekend at home was:
- The weather’s been incredibly crappy outside. It has been raining, what seems to be non-stop, since Friday night. And …
- I’ve been sitting in front of my computer working on a special secret project (details forthcoming in a later post).
In fact, I’m still working on said project while doing a load of laundry and writing this post. Talk about multi-tasking …
Anyway, the combination of such yucky weather and listening to nice, jazzy music (read: Sade, EBTG, Julia Fordham, etc) has got me feeling a little melancholy. Not the waves of depression that I felt last week (and the week before). Just an overall sense of cheerlessness (is that even a word?!).
I’m sure part of the reason is because we just got word this past Friday of yet another joyful delivery into this world. Our good friends in Oregon welcomed their son, Matthew Elliot this past Thursday … and he looks absolutely adorable. Believe me, I couldn’t be more happy for the two of them. And yet …
As if having two birth announcements within two weeks was’t enough to throw me over the edge … the return of the missing punctuation mark (read: period) from months of Lupron Therapy certainly did.
After I had stopped the injections back in mid-June, I thought that maybe the magic of Lupron might just have “jump-started” my female bits.* And because I also expected that my cycle would return by mid-August and it was already nearing mid-September … part of me thought maybe … just maybe … I could have finally gotten knocked up.
But obviously Mother Nature (and God) once again had other plans.
Hence the shades of green and blue I’ve been emoting for the past few weeks. Because of that, I’ve decided that turquoise is probably my new favorite color. A nice brilliant bluish-green color that reflects my mood.
The most recent place I’ve seen such a beautiful shade of turquoise was the lakes in Canada’s Banff National Park. Now if you’re familiar with this Canadian National Park, you’ll know that it’s located within the Canadian Rockies. The bodies of water within this park are primarily formed by the melting of glaciers. And the brilliant hue of turquoise comes from the mixture of glacier-made lake water and glacial rock flour (rock sediment that has been ground by the movement of a glacier).
Yes. It’s the perfect color for how I’m feeling. Green with envy for what I want, mixed with blue for the sadness that comes with what I don’t have. Glacial for those cold emotions I’ve had for others, mixed with rocky sediment (sentiment?) for the way my relationships with others have been lately.
The fact is, I’m still reeling from the events of these past weeks. And it seems like every time I try to float to the top to catch my breath … yet another event happens that pushes me back under water.
So forgive me for once again, being downcast. I am trying to shake this feeling of sorrow. And one day, hopefully sooner than later, these shades of turquoise will fade.
* As Lupron would while using it short term prior to an IVF cycle, or even “plain old” medicated-cycles, for that matter.
7 Replies to “Shades of Turquoise”
You don’t need to apologize to me for being sad, Emily! I’m right there, at that stunning turquoise lake, with you.
I hope as AF relenquishes her grip on your hormones, the pain eases a bit. Distraction (my mantra these days) is in order. Long, deep sorrows like the one you’ve been facing take time.
Sending big internet hugs your way!
I know I don’t comment much (if at all), but please know that I read your blog every week. Your ability to put your heart out there endears me, and I think of you all of the time. Although I am the silent one, I am always here, sending strength and love your way.
Ah. I am still feeling crappy emotionwise and I feel guilty about not getting over it quickly. I hope nothing else pushes you under and we can swim to shore and get daiquiris.
get it/got it!
lot’s of love,
ps-see you on facebook
oh…and love seeing my ryan staring back at me…now sans t-shirt!
Yes, the sea of emotions could definitely be described at turquoise.