Infertility Bets On Hold, Part 1

(I guess I need to start off by saying, no … things have definitely not changed in my barren world. And don’t let the title of this post fool you. Apparently I may have “freaked” a couple people out by both the title and the picture below … LOL!)

I’m not a betting person. Which, when you think of the many trips Hubby & I have taken to Vegas, is quite humorous. All those casinos, and the most we played were slots.

I mean, I’ve played poker and blackjack in my college years; but seriously, all bets were based on pennies. Or cigarettes, depending on who you were playing with (<cough> Tim <cough>). But to place actual money that’s more than a dollar (okay, maybe $2 max for a slot machine)? Can’t see myself spending that kind of money.

My odds with these tests were never good

Which, given the odds that Hubby & I were given when we did our one cycle of IVF, makes it ironic. We were given a 51% chance that we’d be successful in our pursuit to become pregnant. We knew the odds were only 1% more on our favor. We had hoped to win this bet — a bet in which we put a boatload of money into the pot — and we lost. And I was devastated.

That’s not to say that I regret ever having done our one cycle of IVF. Because even back then I knew that this was something Hubby & I had to try in order to feel as if we tried everything in our quest to reproduce. I’m just simply saying that the results of that bet, that one IVF cycle, was enough for me to know that I could never place another bet on another IVF cycle ever again.

So yes … the next logical step would be to go for adoption, right?

Except adoption isn’t a simple thing to just “think about.” First, there’s the process of grieving the fact that I can’t have a baby. That alone is nothing simple. That process involves never being able to experience pregnancy. In my case, it involved never being able to see two pink lines in a pregnancy test.  And it involves feeling as if my body’s failed, not only me and my Hubby (especially my husband), but our parents and our siblings. And our siblings children, too.

Then there’s the other part that I needed to grieve; which is outlined in more detail in this recent post. It’s grieving the fact that we will never be able to have our own biological baby.  A child that we could pass our genes to. A child to pass the Filipino traditions we were taught growing up; and finding a way to blend both our American and Filipino sides together. A child to carry on my Hubby’s last name.

And while I’ve pretty much begun to resolve those grief issues, there’s still that lack of strength that I feel I need in order to go through the entire adoption process.  Because it takes someone who really has enough strength to climb over the proverbial brick wall getting in the way of having a child. And specifically, I’m talking about all the rules and reg­u­la­tions and inves­ti­ga­tions into your pri­vate lives just to raise a child that is not bio­log­i­cally your own. Quite frankly, I know that I don’t have what it takes to go through that.

(Part Two continues tomorrow … )


Related Links:

Thoughts on Adoption

Baby Picture

5 Replies to “Infertility Bets On Hold, Part 1”

  1. I’m confused? Are these yours…? Or just a reused pictures of someone elses’ old HPT? Please clarify before I freak out!

  2. (I just recently found your blog.)

    This is the exact same situation that my husband and I are in! We tried one ivf cycle (wanting to have tried everything), it was unsuccessful, and now we are realizing that with all the hoop-jumping that accompanies adoption, we are done with our attempts at having a child, and moving on to our new life plan.

  3. I’m not as far into the journey as you, Em, but I really am shocked already at how many people have thrown the “just adopt” line at me. It’s something that I’m open to, but I completely agree that 1) you have to get past the grief of not being able to bear children biologically (there are both cultural and biological imperatives to be overcome) and 2) you have to have both the financial and mental resources to get through the adoption process. I *had no idea* when I started out just how time-consuming and expensive the process can be. It kills me that people think it’s so easy to do (swish of hand).

    Thanks for writing about this, and I eagerly look forward to part 2. (Like the new WP look too!)

  4. I totally understand the grieving process in regards to biological children. I don’t think other people (fertiles) get that we are grieving much more than the loss of bio children. We are grieving the loss of a dream, the loss of an experience and a loss of identity as a woman (at least I feel this). Those things are much harder to grieve as they are not tangible things you can put in a box and bury.

    And just because a couple can’t have children of their own doesn’t mean they have to choose to adopt. That always gets my goad when someone says that to us when they hear we can’t have children.

    For us adoption was the next logical step, but first stop: Grief Counseling.

    Looking forward to reading part 2

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