Let’s Begin (Again), Shall We?

I admit, I’ve stayed quiet on my blog for a long period of time. Part of it was that I felt it took a lot of time to maintain it. Other times I felt like I had nothing of importance to say. But I do have a lot I want to get off my chest. It has just taken me this long to realize that I needed to get back to doing it in my “safe place.” Where I can hopefully get clarity by bringing these heavy, intense – sometimes crushing, “the whole weight of the world is on my shoulder” thoughts out of my mind.

So, – as in the incredible mini-series that EVERY woman should watch, “Let’s begin, shall we?”

I still need to read the book …

While I have a lot more pressing things on my mind, the one that I think I want to address first was one I should have written two weeks ago. Truth be told, it should have been written the day that Roe v Wade got overturned, but maybe – in my self-deprecating, “the world is on the brink of collapsing” attitude, I couldn’t find a way or the energy to write it.

No. What forced me to sit down and write was concerning the Alabama Supreme Court’s ruling that frozen embryos in storage are still considered unborn children under state law. That was on February 16th. I should have written something then. Or I should have pushed myself more when two of only eight IVF clinics paused ALL treatment, including those at the most critical part of the cycle – the transfer of the embryos into the uterus.

To be honest, I had very mixed feelings about this.

PREP

First and foremost, I am a STRONG proponent of Women’s Rights. A woman’s decision on how she wants to handle her reproductive life is her own. In a fantasy world, a woman would have the support she would need to help her work through these choices, but we all know that many women do not. OR many women decide to make their decisions on their own. Women’s Rights. AmIRight?

Second. Regarding IVF? Well … duh. Why did I start writing this blog? I’d say it’s simple … but there’s a reason I started this blog. Go here for the extremely shortened version of our story.

Hubby and I did everything we could to have a biological child of our own. It was important to us to have created a child that was half Hubby and Half me. We wanted to see how that child would look – Would they have the unique nose that everyone on my Dad’s side of the family seemed to get? Would they have flat feet like Hubby’s side of the family gets? Would they be quiet and reserved like Hubby or loud and talkative like me? Would we be able to see and experience Nature vs Nurture with our very own eyes?

Then there’s those milestones. First smile. First words. First steps. First day at preschool, 1st grade, middle school, high school. Prom. Graduation from college or university. Wedding. Grandchildren. Every. Single. Event. We will never experience.

And NO [slamming each letter on the keyboard as I type] it is NOT THAT EASY to JUST ADOPT.

I had to accept that all those “what if’s” and milestones would never happen. I couldn’t risk the chance of more rejection and failure after what we had been through. It was important for me to put my whole body, mind, and soul into adoption. 1 By the time I got around to accepting the fact that we would never have a bio child our own, we were already in our early to mid-40’s. Which meant we’d be in our mid-60’s by the time the child graduated from high school. How fair is that for a kid to be the one person around responsible of taking care of their parents?

But I digress. (As I do so, very often.)

MIX INGREDIENTS

Anyway, here’s where the mixed feeling come into play. When we decided to try IVF, it felt like we were literally signing our whole lives away. Lots of paperwork. One of the paperwork referred to any excess embryos that may result from the cycle. Did we want to destroy them right away or freeze the remaining healthy ones they feel may survive the (for lack of better words) “dethawing” process for a Frozen Cycle? If we decided to freeze the embryos, there’s a (rather hefty) fee to keep them which gets renewed every year. I remember jokingly calling it a lease for an apartment.

New to the IVF world at the time, that paperwork seemed bizarre to us. Destroy, Freeze, or Donate. If Freezing, then:  1) In the event of death or divorce, who would maintain “property” of the embryo.” 2) In the event neither is alive nor have the mental capacity to make medical decisions, who would be the decision-maker? If Donating, then: 1) donate for research? 2) donate for surrogacy?

Weird, right? But totally makes sense if you think about it. I mean, you can’t live in an apartment free of rent without there being some repercussions, right? Pay to stay. Also, if you think of it, the wording sounds exactly like a medical Advanced Directive.

I think it was at that moment that Hubby & I fully understood the significance of what we were doing.  We had no doubt that we’d proceed with IVF. We knew that this would be the last chance for us to conceive our own child and knew that if we didn’t, we would regret not trying. That day though, it suddenly felt physically real. I don’t know what it’s like (obviously), but I guess one might compare it to a soon-to-be parent hearing their child’s heartbeat for the first time. Excited and overjoyed yet feeling a bit overwhelmed and nervous.

MARINATE

Going through an IVF cycle is brutal. It is NOT for the faint of heart. It is NOT anything I wish upon anyone – whether it’s a couple, family, or single female. It is time consuming. The prep. The daily injections. The multiple pelvic ultrasounds. Anxiously anticipating (while hormonally charged, btw) when to be told when to come in to retrieve your eggs. Praying that there are enough healthy enough to use and waiting 4-5 days to see how many embryos are viable. If there are ones healthy enough, deciding on how many embryos can be safely implanted into the uterus and – freezing any excess embryos.

Then there’s the two week waiting period (no pun intended). Trying to stay positive. Trying to “relax,” like you’ve been told a million times before since the start of your infertility journey. 2 Thinking that if you lay down more than stand, the embryos will “stick.” Basically it’s 14 days of HELL hoping that you don’t get your period. Praying that when you have your follow up visit with the IVF specialist, that the pregnancy test comes back positive. YAY if you do … You have had a successful IVF Cycle! And if you have any leftover healthy embryos, you can choose to freeze them to be used later – or not!

What if the IVF cycle fails? Or if none of the embryos are viable to be transplanted? Well … then the decision is personal for every individual or couple.

PLACE IN OVEN AND BAKE

During our IVF cycle, 13 eggs were retrieved and 8 were successfully “fertilized.” From there, only 3 embryos viable enough to use, but only 2 were implanted due to health concerns. That one embryo was frozen. I remember being so excited afterwards. I was happy, for lack of better words, that we had done the best we could do to create our own family. I felt hopeful, which was something I hadn’t felt in a while. I saw the possibility of the future I always dreamed I’d have with Hubby.

I treated my belly as if I was already pregnant and that I was carrying our possible babies, that they’d eventually grow into a healthy fetus where I could hear a heartbeat. Where at 24 weeks, I’d know that they’d be healthy (though not strong) enough to survive outside of my womb. At the time of the implantation, our IVF specialist actual presented us with a picture of the two embryos (akin to getting that first baby ultrasound picture for many others), which for YEARS I called my “Maybe Babies.”  

FREEZE

But of course, our IVF cycle failed. And … well, you can read the many entries on this blog to see how I dealt with it. We were so heart-broken that we forgot about the one lonely frozen embryo until it came time to renew the “lease” a year later. When we got the invoice, I stood there for a bit, frozen (no pun intended). Though they never went away, the flood gates opened and all those emotions from the day I was told the IVF cycle failed came rushing back to me. I remember that invoice sitting on our table for about a week with Hubby & I trying our best to ignore it. Yet it kept mocking us as we walked by, knowing we had to have the discussion soon. I was pretty sure we were thinking the same thing, but I just had to take some time to accept that this was going to be my answer.

When we finally sat down to talk about it, we both agreed that it didn’t make sense to keep that one last “Maybe Baby.” There was little chance it would survive the process to unfreeze, let alone have a chance of successfully resulting in a pregnancy. Plus, that would mean another round of daily injections, multiple pelvic ultrasounds, etc. All of which were NOT covered by any health insurance at the time. We couldn’t afford a Frozen Cycle. We were both financially and emotionally spent.

Being of medical background, I considered donating to science. My conscience; however, couldn’t fathom the thought of hurting our embryo. Neither Hubby or I felt comfortable donating for surrogacy either, since it felt strange knowing that our bio baby could possibly be out there and we weren’t raising them. So, we decided to do the responsible thing and let our last Maybe Baby go.

DISCARD LEFTOVERS

It was NOT an easy decision. Not just because of the logical reasons listed above. For me, it was the last chance I would ever come close to creating a life form of my own. And while I know that technically this embryo is only a few cells and not even anything REMOTE to being a living, breathing being with a heart (or any organs for that matter) … it still hurt. That glimpse of my dream future, the excitement I had on major events in my life to that point (graduation, getting my RN license, wedding) … that disappeared. I felt like I just killed any chance of that future; severed myself from that timeline of possibilities. So yeah, maybe in a way, I thought it was a symbolic murder.

Do I consider what Hubby and I did as an abortion? No. Does it hurt like hell that we did what we did? Hell to the Yes. This wasn’t a choice we ever thought we would have to make. We had other ideas of how things would turn out. We thought our IVF would be successful. We thought that if it wasn’t, we’d be able to try for a frozen cycle. But it wasn’t successful. And it wasn’t financially or worth the risk to do a frozen cycle or to pay the rather costly rental fee.

And that’s, I suppose, where the mixed feeling come from. Ours isn’t everyone else’s experience. Everyone has their RIGHT to decide how they want to proceed. The right to choose. ALL. THE. WAY.

REVIEW MISTAKES OR MISHAPS

Going back to Alabama and their Supreme Court ruling, it’s not so much their decision that I’m having a hard time with. I strongly disagree with that. Even though Alabama Legislation provided a temporary fix to restart IVF treatments in their state, I am still angry. That legislation only covers liability for the providers (-ie doctors, clinics, etc) and suppliers (labs, medical equipment companies) and still doesn’t address the main issue of women’s rights.

What I’m truly angry about is the responses from the US Legislative branch of the Federal Government. I find it repulsive that there are many Senators and Congressional Members that have stated to be “all for IVF,” but their previous actions say otherwise.

For example. US Representative House Speaker Mike Johnson has stated recently,

AND YET, he is the co-sponsor and writer of the Life at Conception Act, which defines life as beginning “at the moment of fertilization.”

A-hem. IVF = In vitro FERTILIZATION.

In the US Senate, despite being brought up a second time, the Access to Family Building Act was rejected unanimously by the Republicans. 3 Yet here we have Senator Roger Marshall, R-KS, saying,

I’m almost positive that those US Senators & House Reps are up for re-election this year and are just “playing the game” to get the votes; biding their time to win so they can go back to denying women’s reproductive rights.

I won’t even get into the Christian Evangelical side of things. That would just get me going even more.

Here’s where I get a bit confused. You’re pro-life but you don’t support artificial means of creating life. You support pregnancy but you deny funding for care that women need reproductive care the most. You don’t support any type of medications that may help prevent, not only a pregnancy (unplanned or otherwise), but help with other female related reproductive issues that have NOTHNG to do with child-bearing. You think that a woman should be kept alive to birth the baby, even though her life is severely at risk. You believe a woman should carry an unborn child to term knowing that the baby has already expired or will die immediately or shortly after birth.

That is my definition of cruel and unusual punishment. And the men (or women, I should add) who have no education or experience in practicing medicine should NOT be making or signing any legislation about what should happen to a woman and her body.

MAKE AND BE THE VOICE OF CHANGE

I have been extremely angry for a VERY long time about the reversal of Roe v Wade. For the past two years I’ve been trying to find a way to voice my opinion about it in a public manor. Sure, I’ve talked about it with other friends and like-minded peers. And sure, I’ve discussed it with some Pro-lifers, but not to the extent either of us wanted to. Over the years, I’ve become more of an introvert and prefer not to be out of the house too much. But this time … this IVF issue really hit too close to home. Which is why I finally picked up the pen – err, dusted off my keyboard – and decided to write again.

Maybe by putting words down for people to read (and hopefully learn more about the other side of any issue) will make a difference in helping people understand.

  1. If you are one of those that can do that readily, then I’m happy for you. Unfortunately, I am not. ↩︎
  2. NEVER, EVER helpful at all, BTW ↩︎
  3. Not that I mean to single out a particular political party. Okay, yeah, I do. ↩︎

The “Unmothers” Day

(The Week Where the Waves Kept Comin’)

So. I realize that my little cubby-hole in the internet-verse started as a way to work through my emotions while going through IF (infertility). And furthermore, how I was managing with living child-free.

And I realize that my most recent posts since 2020 (when I returned to putting my thoughts on “paper”) have not been related to IF / Child-free living.

That’s because, for the most part, I’ve resolved my feelings about both and have accepted that the life I am currently living is the life I was meant to have. In addition, when Hubby & I found ourselves “fur-childless” as our elder cats, Rain & Yami and our 12-yo puplo, Kozzy crossed the Rainbow Bridge, we knew we wanted to provide a good life for a rescue dog.

That’s how Kirby came into our lives. Having grown up with one, I was hoping to get a beagle. They just have such a unique personality that I can only describe as charismatic. They are smart, yet can be goofy. They are stubborn, but have no shortage in the love department. And their ears are so velvety soft.

In addition, we wanted to have a smaller type beagle, as Kozzy was a little too big for small home living. And finally, it had to be a boy because: 1) we’ve never had a male pet, and 2) Kirby was to be “Daddy’s Dog.”

It took a month of searching online for a beagle / beagle-mix at a local rescue or shelter. And just as I was about to lose hope on finding our “dream” dog, Hubby stumbled across Kirby’s profile at a local rescue group.

It was love at first site. While we love all of our “fur-children,” there is something about Kirby that makes him extra special. Maybe it’s because of those eyes, or that heart on top of his head. Or maybe the fact that his personality seemed to have traits derived from of all our pets. His curiosity definitely came from Yami. His stubbornness rivaled Kozzy’s. And just like Rain, he was a cuddle monster. Either way, at that moment, we knew that Kirby would be part of our family, our Ohana.

It’ll be seven years this July that Kirby has been in our lives. Since then, he started his own Instagram (@kirbykrackel) and Facebook accounts. He may not be an “influencer,” but he certainly has made lots of friends being part of the #GrumpyBeaglesUnited group. (Okay, so really it’s me that found life-long friends who’s beagles also had IG accounts).

Kirby loves going for rides in the car; he has a perpetual “What’s our next adventure?” look. That need for adventure likely came from the many road trips we’ve taken. He’s put his paws in Lake Superior, the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. He’s canoed down the Platte River with us. He even strolled the National Mall when we took him to DC. We’ve driven cross- country, from Chicago to Santa Monica, jumping on and off I-40 to stop at interesting places off Route 66. We’ve been to the East Coast, the Outer Banks, Hilton Head and (of course) Florida. Needless to say, Kirby is a well-traveled pupster.

On each of these trips, we made it a point to meet some of Kirby’s Beagle Friends and their parents. It’s been nice to actually pet these awesome beagles and talk to their “parents” in person.

Kirby has made us more sociable; forcing us to meet complete strangers who want to pet him. He’s the reason we’ve been taking road trips, rather than flying somewhere for vacation. Basically Kirby was the one who brought us out of our shells to meet new people and make new adventures. He allowed us to step outside that life of IF and Child-free living and experience more of what life has to offer.

It was only a matter of time that Hubby & I would think of rescuing another beagle. Our wish list was the same as for Kirby; though we didn’t really have a preference of gender. From our beagle friends, we found a regional beagle rescue group. We hadn’t been actively looking, but there were a few young beagles on their site that prompted us to, at the very least, submit an application for review.

When we rescued Kirby, other than calling our Vet’s office to confirm we maintained the health of our other pets, the adoption process was painless. Which to me was a relief after years of considering other ways to start our human family.


Like I mentioned above, I hadn’t been writing much about my feelings about being child-free or how going through IF changed me. If you read the “About Me” portion of my blog, you’ll find that we considered adoption both domestic & abroad. However, given the heartache and disappointment during the years trying to conceive (TCC), I knew I wouldn’t be strong enough to survive any heartache and disappointment if we were NOT chosen to be parents for a child.

More so, I was downright afraid of the application process. For most adoption agencies, they have standards in which to “approve” a person/family to be eligible to adopt. This meant that there would be a thorough investigation of our past, our finances, and — of course, our home. Then, if we were officially cleared to be placed on an adoption list, we would need to make an “About Us” profile in hopes that a biolological parent would choose us to raise their child.

For others, that would be a piece of cake; another step in starting their family. For me though, it was an invasion of my privacy, a judgement on how I live / lived my life, a look-see at any past mistakes I may have made. And that scared the living daylights out of me.

I’ve been told that when going through a pregnancy, your privacy just flies out the window. You could care less about who saw what and why needed to be done. Your goal was to deliver this child safely by all means necssary.

What hasn’t been said is that privacy is very scarce when you’re actively going through the IF work-up and the subsequent treatments. Visits to the IF Clinic were exhausting. I’d have to go twice (sometimes three times) a week to find the “optimal” time to conceive. This involved removing all clothing below the waist. It involved intrauterine ultrasounds, pelvic exam among pelvic exam. I swear, it got to the point where the minute I stepped into the IF clinic’s exam room, I would automatically drop my pants. I was in good company though, as others in the waiting room (though none of us could look at each other) were probably doing the same exact thing in the exam room. To this day, I experience PTSD when I go for my yearly girly exam. It was THAT invasive of my privacy.

We went through these experiences as if it was one “step” towards starting our biological family. Despite the odds against us, running up these “stairs”(if you will) still provided us an element of hope; a glimmer that I somehow could get pregnant.

When the glimmer of hope died after that one In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) failed, well … I felt defeated, depleted, but most of all depressed. I sunk down to the bottom of an endless well and, at one point didn’t think I’d be able to break the surface ever again. It took a long time to get where I am today; with the acceptance that I am unable to have biological children. Most of the time, my “healing process” involved being honest with my emotions, my actions, and my desires. It forced me to determine what I considered important in the life I was given, whether or not it was one I imagined. It was a tough journey, I managed to get out and accept that my life was meant to travel this road, to earn these battle scars.

Once I got out of that “black pit of despair,” I knew never ever wanted to go through those emotions again. In that darkness, I felt as if I had no ability to make things better for myself; wasn’t able to control my emotions. I felt as if I was was just a puppet and the master of the puppet strings (apron strings?) was the world mocking me because I couldn’t have kids.

It was that lack of control that I felt; that I was a slave to my monthly cycle. Each decision to make depended on the treatments we were receiving. I wanted to take back that part of my life where I had the ability to make decisions based on what I wanted to do; to take control of my life rather than what IF dictated.

Since biological children were not in our future, we were finally forced to decide if we wanted to adopt. While I couldn’t control what was happening with my body while TTC, I certainly had the control to make decisions of whether or not we wanted to adopt. Of which we all know what that decision was.


Why am I bringing up both Kirby and Infertility? Well, the obvious is because Kirby is our four-legged child; and therefore, has provided us with a way to raise and nurture a child.

Now that urge to “parent” another beagle has been growing; especially after the year that was 2020. We thought it would be great if Kirby had a sibling, someone to play with, someone he can nurture as well. This brings us to the present time.

This Beagle Rescue group, like other rescue groups require us to submit an application. In addition, they require an phone interview and a subsequent home visit if the interested party passed the interview.

Hubby & I knew that as we filled out the application and as we were being interviewed over the phone. Though I still hate the invasion of privacy that comes with adoption, I was prepared to go through all the steps if it meant that we could add another beagle to our Ohana.

We passed the first two steps easily enough. Therefore a home visit, which included bringing another beagle for Kirby to interact with, was set for for the last week of April.

While there were rough patches with Kirby interacting with the other beagle, he was otherwise okay or chose to ignore him. But if he get too close to Kirby’s toys or food, or if this beagle explored Kirby’s “territory” unchaperoned, Kirby would growl. And if the other beagle was within inches of Kirby, he would bear his teeth and appear as if he wanted to attack him.

Kirby has been with other dogs (he likes running with the big dogs in the dog park), he just doesn’t like getting too personal with them. Touch his privates and he goes bonkers (he’s apparently hip with the #MeToo movement). We found out when the other beagle went to the upstairs bedrooms unaccompanied, Kirby is very protective of his territory. Apparently he takes his job as Beagle Security very seriously when it comes to our home.

Despite those issues, the home visit seemed to go okay. Definitely not stellar, but — as we were given good advice on what we can do when introducing another dog into the house — we thought we did a decent job expressing how much another beagle would be great for our Ohana. We already knew about the whole “don’t touch me there” issue, but we emphasized that this would be something we can work on. We also expressed our commitment to the process of slowly introducing a new beagle to our family.

The Tuesday before Mother’s Day, we received an email from the rescue group. It stated that after reviewing the home visit report, they thought that Kirby would not be comfortable with another dog in the house. It ended with saying that our application was declined for this, and that it “wouldn’t be fair” to Kirby or a new dog.

It took me a couple minutes to digest that email and even more minutes to compose myself to let Hubby know our application was declined.

Suddenly I felt as if I was back on the IF roller coaster once again. I was rejected because I wasn’t a good enough mother. I hadn’t properly socialized Kirby with other dogs throughout the years which is why he appears to be aggressive during certain moments. That during the background check, they must have found something in our previous pets’ medical records that deemed us bad candidates for adoption. That I wasn’t fur-mother appropriate. That I was worthless.

Now logically, I know that adopting a dog is NOTHING like adopting a human child. That child adoption is a more cumbersome process than it is to adopt a dog. I also know that these “interviews” and home visits are for the well-being of the adoptee, whether it’s a child or adult.

But emotionally? On the week heading into Mothers Day of all days? I became a complete wreck. At that moment, all the things I feared about when contemplating domestic or international adoptions happened … while trying to adopt a dog.


I believe I may have told this story in a previous post, but it’s something that I like to return to when I’m feeling the sting of infertility (or the sadness that comes with the loss of a loved one) more potently than other days.

A friend once told me that it is normal to grieve intermittently; that no one really EVER gets done grieving. He compared it to the ebb and flow of tides formed from the gravitational pull of the sun and moon. During a full moon, the pull of the sun and moon cause the tides to be higher (queue Blondie, “The Tide is High,”), stronger; constantly hitting the shore with such force.

During other moon phases; however, the pull is weaker and waves can appear as a small ripple gently approaching the coast. However, there exists other factors (such as wind, storms) that can cause disruptions in an otherwise calm body of water. Those elements are capable of creating recklessly tall waves or even teeny tiny minuscule waves. These factors can be unpredictable, not only on how hard the waves hit the shores, but on how long of a period occurs between each wave, each set.

This friend said to think of grief as those tides, these waves. At first the grief is so strong, so painful, and so constant that it feels like the grief will never stop. But then there are the times where grief, while still palpable, is still not as potent as it was in the beginning. And then there are the times where grief manifests in other ways (memories, milestones, deja vu moments, for example) without any warning.

I was told to remember that grief can be sneaky like that; punching you in the gut without even realizing that you’ve been hit. Those are the times that we should recognize that it’s okay feel that grief more acutely. That grief, like the ebb and flow of tides never really ends.

So today, if you ask me how I’m handling child-free living, chances are you’ll get a “not so good” answer. I really am okay, and I know that I’m the only person that can make myself feel worthless. I know that I will pick myself up once again. Like I’ve done so many times since the beginning.

I know that despite everything, I will get through this rough patch.

Politics & Catholicism, Part One

Warning you now. If you don’t want to read about Politics & Catholicism, then click away and don’t bother reading Part Two, either!

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Another chance to change your mind

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Okay, don’t say that I didn’t warn you! 

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Before writing this extremely long tirade regarding Politics & Catholicism, I truly debated if I should share this article, let alone go on a rant. As you can see, I ultimately did. 

This article was written by Jeannie Gaffigan, the wife of well-known comedian Jim Gaffigan. In this piece written for “America: The Jesuit Review,” Jeannie stated that — though she is firmly Catholic in her beliefs, and is most-definitely pro-life (as most Catholics are) — wrote that she will not be voting for Trump this election. She stated the impetus for writing this essay was the Twitter Storm that ensued after Jim, who has always been non-political in every single act he performed or interview he has done, had uncharacteristically tweeted a “profanity-laden rant against President Trump.” 

Personally, I don’t think the tweet was that bad; however, the responses he received (as well as on Jeannie’s own Twitter account) was full of vitriol & hate. And many of them  (continued to) spread misinformation. Several responses even turned to quoting Trump when he called his opponent as a “fake Catholic.”

Which, for someone who ordered law enforcement to deliver tear gas to peaceful protestors & the surrounding media personnel standing in his way just for a photo opportunity, Trump certainly didn’t display Christian-like behavior. Ironically, that photo op was to show the public that he is a good, God-fearing Christian. In actuality, his actions prior to this photo op (and even after the tear gas was delivered) proved that he is definitely NOT Christian. Seriously, he doesn’t even know how to hold the Bible properly!

But we’ll get to that in my next diatribe, as I suspect this post will end up being super long. Anyhoo …

After Jim’s tweet, close friends and families of theirs had privately came up to Jeannie to informed her that they didn’t like Trump either; in fact, they hate everything else that he stands for. However, they also suggested that as a “Real Catholic,” she should “hold [her] nose and vote for Trump if only because the Catholic faith dictates, above all, we must vote for the pro-life” candidate.” 

What I like the most about Jeannie’s article is she stated so eloquently those exact reasons that *I* won’t vote for Trump. Well, actually she quotes from Pope Francis’ message that he delivered to the US  as a result of the #BlackLivesMatter campaign, which went into overdrive following the death of George Floyd and other similar events (before and after) his death. 

Pope Francis said, “We cannot tolerate or turn a blind eye to racism and exclusion in any form and yet claim to defend the sacredness of every human life.”  

Jeannie then wrote that systemic racism in our our current culture has led to the economic and social inequality we’re currently experiencing — or rather, just now “noticing” — in our country.   And in the current state of affairs, it is virtually impossible to claim  that we (as Catholics) are truly practicing a “culture of life,” which protects the the sanctity of ALL life. Jeannie goes on to add that , “… we [as Catholics] have been complicit in a long history of de-valuing our fellow human beings based on the color of their skin or the way they came to this country.”

As someone who has had 12 years of Catholic education (and has also been label a “Fake Catholic”), this goes against everything I learned about humanity in school and during the thousands of homilies I’ve listened to in the course of my life thus far. And, although my Mom sees me as a “Lapsed Catholic,” I want her to know that all the money that my parents spent on my education did not go to waste. I have *always* turned to what I was fundamentally taught during my formative years. And I continue to practice these principles of Catholicism today; not only spiritually, but ethically as well.  

My actions are the result of practicing a lesson that I was taught during my formative years and is a moral principle for several different faiths: 

“Love one another; [and] just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.”

(John 13:34

The Golden Rule, or as it is defined by theologians, the “Ethics of Reciprocity.“ It’s the first thing you are taught in Catholic school (and/or catechism classes). It’s the one act that is almost inherent for most Christians, and the rule that even any empathetic person that choose to be agnostic or an atheist. 

As someone who chose to be an RN, I am inherently drawn to treat everyone with empathy, of which I learned from that Golden Rule. It certainly is a lesson taught in Med School (“First, do no harm”) and Nursing School (via The Modern Nightingale Pledge that “Nursing is a ‘Missioner of Health … dedicated to the advancement of human welfare.’”)

How about Muslims?” you might ask. While not directly quoted in the Quran, Muslims also have the intrinsic belief that they “must think about how their actions affect others; to see the world in a whole new way – through the eyes of another.”   

The basic gist is: Be good to one another. 

Can you, as a Christian, think that Trump is following the Golden Rule? Jeannie Gaffigan certainly doesn’t think so, stating in her article that “Mr. Trump is only pro-Mr. Trump.” How can someone claiming to be Christian say that prisoners of war and soldiers who died defending our freedom are “losers” or “suckers” ?!? 

I could cite many (MANY) more examples of how pathologically narcissistic Mr. Trump is; but I won’t. Yet.

Any sane Christian would agree that Trump has broken all Ten Commandments AND has committed all of the seven of the Deadly Sins. I (obviously) subscribe to that thought. Wholeheartedly.  However, after much reflection and  prayers  (yes, Mom, I DO pray) I cannot vote for a person who is not sympathetic, let alone empathetic. Trump definitely does not think of others, except if it affected him personally. As a matter of fact, I believe he doesn’t even *think* about — let alone pray for —  those individuals & groups that do not subscribe to his beliefs. Truthfully (and stay with me here, my friends), Trump probably doesn’t know the Beatitudes, much less recognize that MANY Christians use this as a guide to *understand* and learn from those individuals / groups / religions whose thoughts don’t align with their own beliefs. 

As a refresher for my friends (and a lesson for those friends that are not familiar with the Beatitudes), here they are: 

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted. 

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the land.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the clean of heart, for they will see God. 

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when they insult you and persecute you and utter every kind of evil against you [falsely] because of me.

Matthew 5:3-10

Forgive me if you find the following sentences insulting. Before you cast your ballot (stone?), I beg you you to See. The. Whole. Picture. Before deciding who should represent and lead the American People. Please DO NOT cast your vote simply because of the ONE platform on the current president’s stance – or rather “indifference” – regarding Roe v Wade. Think of the OTHER platforms that he promotes during his (COVID-19 ridden, non-mask wearing, anti-social distancing) rallies. 

Let me say this in another way. If you (Catholics & Christians) are planning on voting for Trump just because he agrees with only ONE of his many platforms he’s using to run his campaign;   or because who is “for” (better stated, “indifferent” about) Roe v Wade .. please please PLEASE remember those Beatitudes. Ask yourself if Trump plans on helping ALL the individuals named in the Beatitudes, as WELL as those unborn children who’s life you’re fighting to defend.  

Does that mean I’m pro-life? As a confirmed Catholic, that answer is tricky and it depends on the events & situations surrounding the woman & her loved ones. I think there are circumstances such as complications during pregnancy, as well as the lack of support & financial means to raise a child, are involved in making a decision. And I am aware that, even if it’s not directly stated in the Bible, the interpretation is that the woman should keep the child. 

But (and this is where I bring up empathy) think about it in the context of yourself, your sister, mother, aunt, daughter, grand-daughter: 

What if you were single or married to an abusive spouse? What about the safety of the the child once he/she is born? 

What if your sister is unable to financially afford even the basics for herself, let alone a child? 

What if your daughter’s pregnancy happened as a result of rape? Of incest? Of sex trafficking? 

What if your grand-daughter had a miscarriage in the late 2nd or 3rd trimester? Would you expect her to keep the lifeless child in her womb until she is able to deliver her stillborn baby? 

What if, in the desire to have children, your infertile daughter & son-in-law seeks other means to start their family and it doesn’t “take”? What if they didn’t have enough money to go through another round, using frozen eggs .. But they can’t anyway because they didn’t have enough frozen eggs to even try again? What if a year passes, and your daughter (now confused, hurt, and ashamed with still not having kids) receives a call to renew the “rent” to keep these eggs frozen — but didn’t have the thousands of dollars it takes to keep them frozen for another year? What if that couple had no other choice but to “give them up?” 

Yes, that last situation was true. And yes, it did happen to me. 

What about adoption, you may ask? Well, let me ask you to put your empathy hat on once again. What if your sister wants, yet knows she is unable, to keep the child (for various reasons as mentioned above)? What if your sister was given different CHOICES and ultimately decided to put the child up for adoption? As a woman who is infertile (well, menopausal TBH), I believe that this is *much harder* to do than the general public would think. 

If you *truly* believe that adoption will “solve everything,” then, once again, you should examine the whole picture. Ask your sister why she is / was leaning one way or the other. Understand the various reasons your sister is making (or already made) the decision she did. Seek to understand, rather than instruct your sister what she should do. 

Don’t tell your sister what YOU would do in her situation; rather, ask her what YOU can do for her. 

And support (and RESPECT) her decision, regardless of it goes against your belief. 

I can’t tell you what it would be like to give up a child (we couldn’t even have one if / when we tried, anyway 🙃😝😂) or even to end a viable pregnancy, but I imagine that person would continue to live her life with a ginormous gaping wound in her heart; knowing that her child or his / her spirit is out there somewhere. I imagine she will always have the feeling that a part of her is missing in her life and stay with her the rest of her days, even when she wanted to get / could get pregnant again. 

Can you see the resemblance in emotions for a woman that couldn’t have kids of her own? After over 15 years of infertility, I *still* have that gaping wound and hole in my heart (and can’t forget “good old Catholic guilt”) from our attempts to have biological children of our own. From losing those frozen eggs. 

So I can hear the question now: “Why didn’t you & your husband try to adopt?” As an infertile couple, we DID consider that alternative. Let me just tell you (from experience) that it isn’t EASY to “just adopt.” There are financial issues, privacy issues, and the overall feeling that you’re not “good enough” to be *approved* by the agency to be placed on a list; let alone  *chosen* by a woman. For those that sought to adopt, I’m simply in awe that they could open their hearts and home to accept a non-biological child. I’m absolutely thrilled that those adoptions were successful, and that they were able to start (or complete) their family in this method. 

In my case, I was overwhelmed by the thought of starting our family by adoption. My confidence had been shattered to pieces by years of doctors appointments (sometimes daily looky-see’s down there 😱). Simply stated, I couldn’t “just adopt” after years of failure and disappointment to have a biological child of our own. I was afraid that, even though we might have been chosen to be parents of that women’s child, the biological mother or father or other family members may change their mind and then take away the baby I had been wanting to raise since first go married. I had no power in our ability to have biological children let alone adopt, so at least I can direct the narrative of our situation and “Let God, let go.” 

Obviously, Hubby and I ultimately decided that if it was meant to be, then it would be. And since nothing came of it, we decided to be fur parents instead. After finally making the decision to remain child-free, I felt the entire weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. 

So after reading my own experience, ask me again if I’m pro-life or pro-choice. Ask me if I believe that each person is unique and that their life experiences lead them to make the decision they do / did. I know what I am, but I want you, as a reader, decide on where I stand — and where YOU stand — on this issue. 

Okay, as I knew this would be a long post, I will just leave off here and continue my rant in the following (long) post. 

Read Part 2 now. Or later. I have no problem if you decided to take a break, especially if you feel I’ve talked (written?) your ear (eyes?) off.

Bad Blogger

IMG_1479Well hello there strangers. I know … it’s been a while and I sincerely hope everyone is doing well in the Land of IF, cities in Between and points Beyond.

There is no excuse for not writing on this blog very much. The truth is, I haven’t had much to say in regards to living child-free (NOT by choice). And anything I’ve had to say about things has really been small snippets on my Facebook page about articles I’ve shared.

You see, unlike 15 years ago when I first started this infertility journey (well, actually, it’s been closer to 20 years, now that I think about it … yikes!), there is a lot more media surrounding IF. Seriously … where was all this support when I needed it?!

Social media aside, I’m just truly grateful that it was through the blogosphere that I met many wonderful people going through this infertility journey with me. Most of us have now resolved our infertility journeys; some managed to have biological children of their own either naturally or by way of IVF (one of them had TWINS!), some of them became adoptive parents, and some even became step-parents. And some of them … well, some sort of combination of all of the above!

As for me, I have pretty much resolved the fact that I will never have biological children of my own for these facts:

  • I am over 40 years old
  • I’m pretty sure I’m going into early menopause
  • Adoption for us is way beyond our financial means
  • I am way too exhausted to think of parenting at my age
  • Being over 40, I cannot fathom having to raise a child now and be close to (or even over) 60 by the time they graduate from high school

 

Unfortunately, these facts don’t stop some well-meaning family members from thinking I’m going to have some sort of miraculous conception. (We won’t even go into our recent trip to the Philippines.)

Monasterio de Santa Clara
Monasterio de Santa Clara (click on picture)

 

So what brings me out of my semi-retirement? A damn movie.

But first let me clarify something. While we may have reached the end of our IF journey, this doesn’t mean that some things can slap us in the face and make us fully aware that we are not the norm … that we are quite different than the rest of everyday society.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve learned to accept that Hubby & I are on a unique path of our own (just like every other person / couple / family is). I’ve gotten used to answering “No” to when new friends, acquaintances, or other professionals ask us if we have any children. And I’m certainly used to and am very comfortable in explaining why we don’t either. I can stand on my own (without crying, to boot!) when discussing infertility and the emotions that a person goes through while traveling on that journey. I can be rational about debating why adoption isn’t for us. I can even easily ask and converse with others about their children without feeling inferior.

But every once in a while, there’s something that happens that can have me contemplating why we chose this Child-Free-Not-By-Choice life. Or has me feeling, once again, that I’m alone in the world of other adults that are parents … and that I can’t possibly know what it’s like to be one of them.

This time it’s a movie … particularly one that is specifically aimed towards motherhood and all the horrible things that occur during parenting a child.

Okay, I get it. Yes … motherhood isn’t always glamorous. In fact, I’d say the only time everyday parenting looks glamorous is on Facebook or Pinterest or Instagram … or any other social media outlet out there. And that’s only after 5 GAZILLION retakes to make it “just perfect.”

IMG_2318But it’s still something that I can’t fully understand.

Because, for being “over-worked, over-committed and exhausted to the point that [these moms are] about to snap” (directly from the plot summary, BTW)? I will never know what it’s like to feel that way. As a Mom, anyway.

And yet … Well, here’s something for all those moms out there:

Those feelings – while not as “ongoing on a daily basis”-type of way – are what those who have experienced / are experiencing infertility go through on a month-to-month basis.

Nothing hits you straight in the gut with a pregnancy test that doesn’t have that second line … and knowing you’ll have to go through the same treatments (-ie- shots, pills, holistic treatments, all of the above) for yet another month.

I know that I will eventually see this movie in the future (because – C’MON! The same writers as “The Hangover”?!). But next weekend, I’ll likely just chill with my Hubby and our four-legged child.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PS. If you want know where “I’ve” been in social media lately, check out this Instagram account.

IMG_3547