Furbabies – Page 5 – Apron Strings for Emily

22 August 2009

Please Stay Another Day (Part Deuce)

I think it’s rather strange how, after writing my last post, Chicago has been raining off and on. This weekend is pretty much going to be the same of scattered showers. I’m thinking that perhaps Mother Naure took my little quote at the end of that post a little too literally.

The following post was meant as a continuation of my last one; following up on further emotions I’ve been experiencing lately. All because of PS’ story. And all because of the unconditional love my cat, Rain, has given me throughout the years …

So without further ado, I give you Part Deuce.

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Rain gets along with everyone and everything ...

I think about the eventual loss of Rain, sometimes in conjuction with my inability to have kids of my own.

Oh, I know that I place a lot of importance in my pets because they are, in essence, the children I will never(?) have. Even for those families with *actual* children and pets can understand how much these animals become part of your life. They are a source of unconditional love and happiness.

There are moments that I swear that my pets understand me; know me intuitively. It’s as if they have a direct line to my emotions. When I’m happy, they’re out and about trying to play with me. When I’m angry, they know to stay clear from my path. (Except my puppy-girl, Kozzy. Sometimes she’s a little … slow, but we love her to bits!)

And then there are the sad moments; particularly the moments that I’ve been in tears. Those are the moments where my pets seem to come out of the woodworks and surround me. Not all at once; as a mob of 2 cats and a dog would be quite a scene. No, they seem to come around, one by one, as if to make sure I’m never quite … alone.

The past few years, my pets have shown exactly how much they love me. Especially after all the events that had happened to throw my life off kilter. You know … the life that I thought I might have? The one in which I dreamed of the family that I would have had by now. The one in which there are still days or moments or news of pregnancies that I still, to this day, mourn the loss over.

Yes, these pets … my Rain, Kozzy and Yami … are, next to Hubby, another reason why every day I try to put one foot in front of the other. And it’s because, just like Hubby, they’ve seen the worst in me and they still love me unconditionally.

Kozzy still puts her nose right up to my face when I lay paralyzed on the couch. Rain still jumps onto the bed on those days when I can’t seem to get out of bed and plops herself to the side of me, pressing her entire body up against me. Yami still jumps onto my lap and then settles in my arms whenever I sit on the couch staring off into space, burying her entire head up into the crook of my elbow. And they do that independently of any specific events and on their very own accord … all to, in my opinion, make certain that I’m alright. And that I’m not alone.

I know that my pets shower me with love and affection because they know that Hubby & I are there for them unconditionally. Oh, believe me … they piss us both off sometimes to the point where I literally wish I could send the dog to the imaginary dog house, or the cats into a corner where they’d know not to come out until it was safe. But I also think that with the love and affection we provide them, they just want to reciprocate the feelings in the best way that they can.

PS’s story (in the previous post) and the fact that Hubby & I are caring for a pet that is on the downward slope of her life, had stirred up some emotions over the past couple of weeks. And it’s those thoughts of exactly who is going to care for us when we’re older. And who will be providing us with assistance to get around.

I see it with my parents, as I’m now about 5 hours by car from them. I worry about how they are able to get to and from Doctor’s appointments and if they’re actually following up on their health. I worry about my Mom taking a tumble and injuring herself. I worry about my Dad with his heart and his weight and his kidneys. I worry that I’m not going to be able to be there at the moment they need me the most. *

Oh, I know realistically that it’s not always guaranteed that having kids will automatically mean that Hubby and I have someone that will take care of us in our older age as no one can predict the future. If Hubby & I did have kids, who’s to say that (God forbid) our child doesn’t pass away before us? Or that our imaginary child decides that he/she wants nothing to do with us? Or that we’d have a child that requires us to physically care for him/her 24/7?

I know it’s not worth it to place all my eggs in one basket, and to worry about things that I have no control over. But I do. Worry, that is. Not only because, quite frankly … at my age their are no real good quality eggs to place in any basket. But also because one of my biggest fears is that I’ll have outlived** everyone in my life, Hubby included … and be all alone when I die. That there will be no one — well at least no one who loved me unconditionally — by my side.

So it’s with this thought that I know (irregardless of whether we eventually have kids … I can still dream, after all) that I will always have some sort of pet in my life***. One who I will love unconditionally and who will love me unconditionally in return.

I guess this means that Hubby & I will need to find a “Retirement Home” that will be willing to let us keep our pets!

And there are days where Yami doesn't either ...

* It’s one of the biggest downsides of moving out of state, but my parents know that this was a move that I needed to do both physically and emotionally. And for that, I am grateful.

** Fat chance of this happening, as I can barely take care of my own health …

*** Except I might just take a little break from acquiring any other animals until I can get past the eventual hole that will be left in my heart when Rain finally goes away.

18 August 200929 November 2010

Rain, Don't Go Away (Part Un)

There’s this story about a dog and a cat that has resonated within me since hearing it for the first time. It’s a story told to us by an employee (possibly owner?) of the neighborhood pet store we discovered this past summer.

309 Her story followed after ours; the one in which we found out that our 19 year old cat, Rain, was deaf. Yes, that’s right. Our senior citizen cat is deaf. But more on that pet story after this one.

The pet shop employee’s (I’ll call her PS for short) story began with her own experiences with a deaf pet. She had told us about her cat and dog who always displayed such a unique relationship their entire lives. Ever since they were both kitten and puppy, they had played together and snuggled together; stuck by each others’ sides.

PS had known, once they were both much older, that her dog had become deaf. And she knew this because he would never respond to her calls out to his name. And he would only obey her with non-verbal signs, rather than PS’s spoken commands. But despite this, he would always know whenever it was feeding time; always was right there the minute his bowl was set down for dinner.

There was a reason, PS speculated, that this dog knew it was dinner time. And this wasn’t because of his sense of smell. Rather it was because whenever the can opener would go off, PS noticed that her cat would suddenly start meowing loudly and (if she wasn’t already snuggling next to him) would rush over to where her dog was at, as if to wake him up. PS had witnessed, at various times, her cat nudge her best friend to get his attention … and then would watch as the two of them would enter the kitchen side-by-side, almost as if they were attached at the hip.

It wasn’t until weeks after her finally dog passed away that PS realized something was also wrong with her cat. She had thought, at first, that her cat stopped eating because she was so emotionally distraught about the loss of her best friend. But whenever PS put cat treats directly in front of her, she would gobble them up and immediately ask for more, as if she was starved. If picked up and placed directly in front of her food, this cat would also gobble up her food as if there was no tomorrow. But the thing is, PS ever picked up her up and set her down elsewhere in the house (whether it be the kitchen or any other room), this cat would immediately start meowing and wandering around in circles.

And that’s when PS realized that her cat was actually blind. It was also when she realized that all the years of her cat nudging her dog during dinner time was not only so that her deaf dog would know when supper was … it was also her dog’s way of leading her blind cat into the kitchen.

Rain, cuddling inside my jumper in the early '90's

It took weeks of training, PS told us, but eventually the cat was retrained on how to get to and from her food bowl by memory whenever dinner time rolled around. Sadly though, this poor cat died within a year of her best friend.

I remember this story every time I snuggle with my cat, Rain. And I know that it’s only because I will be completely devastated when Rain finally passes away.

I don’t purposely mean to become so melancholy while remembering PS’s story. In reality, my Rain will be 20 years old next year, and despite her being deaf … she’s had quite an amazing life. One that includes finding her at approximately 6-wks old underneath Dr. Bro’s car in the midst of a late spring thunderstorm. There’s been moments of catching her at 1-yr old snuggling next to our family beagle, Muffin … who was always so gentle and kind enough to let her smack her around a bit. I remember the periods of adjustments she’s had to make when getting used to other “roommates” … whether it was Hubby moving in with us, or the variety of other pets we’ve collected since being married. And I remember one particularly difficult period of time, which included surgery to repair a broken leg. (All of which occured simutaneously during my one IVF cycle, btw …)

Sadly, we discovered Rain’s loss of hearing earlier this year. And it’s only because I had made the comment to Hubby one day that poor Rain developed the habit of yeowling* late at night whenever we had already gone to bed. I would complain about how loud it was and how I would have rather dealt with her late-night sudden bursts of energy** instead.

When Hubby mentioned this to a co-worker of his, she mentioned that her cat did the same thing before she found out from her vet that her cat was deaf. The vet had told her that cats do this when they start losing their hearing because cats apparently don’t like it when things are completely silent. So they start to meow loudly, hoping that they could hear something. Anything.

At first I refused to believe that her loud yeowling meant that Rain was going deaf. So I began to test her. Call her name while she was busy eating. Snap my fingers at her while she was asleep. Clap my hands loudly while she walked the opposite direction. All to try to get her attention. And all in vain. Because she had, indeed, lost her hearing.

While she no longer was afraid of big ole Kozzy bounding up to her (she couldn’t HEAR how loudly our dog would come prancing towards her), she began to startle a little more easily. And while she no longer does her late night excercising by running all around the apartment, she has begun to sleep more and more frequently.

And I know it’s all about Rain getting older. And that this is the natural “circle of life.” But it doesn’t stop me from feeling sad about what’s eventually going to come. That perhaps, I will be like PS’s cat in the story above … so reliant on all the comfort and happiness that Rain has given me all these years, that I’d feel lost without her.

Rain, Rain … Don’t go away
Stay with me another day

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* Yeowling = Howling and Meowing simutaneously

** I swear, there are nights where I thought that the cats had more than a “nip” of that Catnip …

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Read Part Deuce here …

06 May 2009

Goin' With The Flo

I made the mistake of heading into the Hallmark store in my office complex yesterday. What part of me thought that taking that little detour on my lunch break during this time of year was a good idea? Yeah, silly me.

Lucky for me, every year Mother’s Day happens to be only a “day” in the midst of another important week of the year. Well, at least for those that happen to be “tight” with Florence Nightingale, anyway.

Yes, every year Nurse’s Week is celebrated in the US from May 6th to May 12th. Why those days specifically? Well, it’s because May 12th is the actual birthday of the “Pioneer of Modern Nursing.” And May 12th is officially known as International Nurses Day.

So yeah, having a whole week “dedicated” to my profession … it certainly takes the focus of the one day of the year that practically the whole nation celebrates the one thing in the world that has eluded me the most. The one day that celebrates the biggest disappointment I’ve encountered thus far in my life.

But going back to the whole Nurse’s Week thingy … I have to say that I find it pretty humerous that I ended up in the profession I did … and “liking” it.

Click on image to read the pledge and Detroit's history in it ...

First of all, there are waaaay too many Filipinos in this profession. And in my youth, I was constantly trying to break out of the stereotypes that follow my culture. But ultimately it was the whole “respect your elders” part of my culture that had me ending up pursing a career in nursing. In other words, rather than spend my undergrad years “pondering” what I wanted to do in life while my parents (most graciously) funded my university education … the suggestion was made by many-a-relative that nursing would provide me a lucrative* career while I figured out what I really wanted to do with my life. Lucky (or unlucky, depending how it’s looked at) for me, while I still don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life (as motherhood obviously hasn’t worked out) … at least there are enough “avenues” in the profession of Nursing that I’ve been able to dabble in other areas other than bedside nursing.

I do have to add this though … no matter where I’ve worked (in an office setting or at the bedside), I am constantly being asked when I’ll be bringing in pancit or lumpia to any potluck. Totally sucks for my co-workers who have the perception that all Filipinos are able to cook. Hah!

And speaking of different “avenues” of Nursing … I have to point out that this is probably the reason I do “like” the profession I’m in. Because believe me, in this modern day and age of health care … burnout in the “bedside” aspect of Nursing is pretty darn high. That’s because despite the advances in medical care, people that are admitted to the hospital are much much more “sicker” than they were in the past. And despite the higher acuity in patient care needs, the nurse-to-patient ratio has not improved in years. In fact, in many parts of the nation, the number of patients assigned to one nurse has exponentially increased; leaving Nurses at the bedside with more to do with less resources.

My Nursing School's reknown "Nightingale Award" (click on image)

This is why I am glad I’m no longer doing “direct patient care.” This simply means that I’m not physically reaching out and touching a person. (Not to say that I’m not “caring” for them, though.) Rather the aspect of Nursing I’m part of is Case Management. So what’s the role of an RN Case Manager? Well, in a basic explanation, a Case Manager assists in coordinating the care of a clinically complex person in order to maximize this person’s ability to care for themselves.

Confusing, right? Well, let’s just say that instead of physically caring for a patient while he/she — I don’t know — is “tossing their cookies” … I’m the Nurse that, once the acute illness “settles down,” is helping to make sure that these patients follow up appropriately with their physicians or other health care professionals in order to prevent a recurrence or complication of their condition. And I’m the same Nurse that spends MORE time educating a patient and/or family member about their disease or condition so they can understand their physician’s plan of care and the various options they may have available to them.

Florence "The Lady With The Lamp" Nightingale — "The Lady With The Lamp"

Yeah, I bet you didn’t know that there were many aspects of Nursing as a profession. Just like I’m sure that you may forget about other jobs that Nurses do that don’t necessarily involve working in a hospital, nursing home or Doctor’s office. Yes. Nursing is everywhere. Like in the home setting. Or in the community. Or even at your own workplace.

Heck, you might even work directly with a Nurse. Or even an “ex-Nurse.”** Because believe me, we’re everywhere.

So with that said … I must remind everyone out there to wish all the Nurses you know a “Happy Nurses Week” over the next seven days. Because despite what it feels like to most Infertiles out there … this week isn’t all about being a Mom. Sometimes it’s all about going with the “Flo” … Florence Nightingale, that is.

Yeah. I’m that cheesy.

On an even sillier note … I must share this picture with you to show how “smart” my kitty cat can be. Notice how she’s perched on a pillow? Well … as she knows she’s not allowed on our new sofa, she’s found a way to get around it … by being on top of a pillow instead of directly on the sofa. How cute can she be?!

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* “Lucrative” as in “there are always going to jobs available in nursing” … not “lucrative” as in financially “stable.”

** Although I always say, “Once a Nurse, always a Nurse.”

16 March 2009

Emily Is Lost

Guess what stupid thing Emily did yesterday?

Did she get a chance to see this famous river dyed green for St. Patty’s Day?

green-river

No. Did she get to take Hubby to Chinatown to eat some delish Dim Sum that we’ve been craving since the beginning of the year?

dimyum

No. Did she get to enjoy the beautiful drive down this scenic highway on a gorgeous sunny day?

scenicdrive

No. Instead, Emily decided to lose her wallet. Which meant that Emily spent the afternoon calling every credit card company and her bank to replace her missing cards. Oh, and calling the credit bureau to file a report to notify us of any possible fraud.

And of course, since Emily lost her wallet, she lost her only piece of ID she has besides her passport and her work ID badge. Which means she no longer has a driver’s license. Except that really doesn’t matter since she hasn’t driven a car in quite a while. But still …

So needless to say, Emily is a little lost. And she’s feeling a little foolish as well.

Silly, stupid and lost Emily …

But on a much cuter and adorable note, Hubby sent this picture to me this evening. Apparently, our Doggie hotel recently got a new groomer. So when Hubby picked up our Kozzy Girl after her weekend mini-vaca … it appears she got some fashion lessons as well.

crw_0692_2

Oh, how I miss my Kozzy …

crw_0686

And even though I know I’ll reflect on this some more tomorrow
(which is the actual date)…

Happy 2nd Blogiversary to me!

13 February 2009

Puppy Power!!

I was so excited to go home this past weekend. Not only because I’d be there to celebrate both my Mom’s and a good friend’s birthday. Or just because I was *so* looking forward to sleeping in my big queen size bed with Hubby sleeping by my side. Nah … the biggest reason I was excited to go home (besides being with Hubby) was to see my Kozzy.

If you don’t remember who Kozzy is, she’s our 11-year old “puppy-girl” who we joined our family on the day the Red Wings won their first Stanley Cup Championship in 42 years. Hence Kozzy’s real name: Kozlov Konstantinov. Kozzy for short.

We adopted Kozzy from the “Meet Your Best Friend at the Zoo” Day at the Detroit Zoo. The moment we first laid eyes on her, we fell in love. She was the quietest, meekest puppy we saw, and she appeared so docile. But, boy were we ever fooled.

The minute we got her home, Kozzy was all over our house and our backyard. And in true puppy-fashion, she was in to everything. Although she literally failed puppy school (she was labeled “socially aggressive”), Hubby and I can’t imagine life without her. And because I wasn’t going to be readily available to care for Kozzy in my new digs, Hubby & I decided that she wouldn’t move until Hubby moved as well. So yeah, I was excited to see my puppy-girl.

When I finally saw her, Kozzy was just like that excited hyperactive puppy she was when we first took her home. Throughout the whole weekend, she didn’t want to leave my side … even if it was to go get the laundry in our basement. And because of that, I just felt totally loved; totally needed. So having to leave her once again, once the weekend was over proved to be pretty difficult. Because not only was I saying goodbye to Hubby for the week, I was also saying bye to Kozzy until the next time I come back into town. I totally miss her and her silly antics …

honestscrap Okay, so (kinda) switching subjects … can anyone remember which cartoon character used to shout out “Puppy Power!!”? Yep, it’s none other than Scooby Doo’s nephew, Scrappy Doo. And the reason I was brought up this particular puppy in this post (other than to somehow tie the story of my Kozzy into this post) is because I recently received an award from one my IF bloggie buddies.

So a great big Thank You! to LoriBeth for awarding me the Honest Scrap Award!

But with every great award, comes great responsibility … or is that with great power comes great responsibility? Regardless, the rules of the Honest Scrap Award are as follows:

Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

So let’s begin. Hmm … 10 honest things about me:

I am definitely NOT a morning person. I’m more apt to stay up late and wake up even later. BUT … if getting up early means I can get to work at an earlier time so I can leave work earlier, then I would drag my sorry tired a$$ to work.
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I love reading all kinds of books. But if given a choice between “War and Peace” and “Shopaholic Takes Manhattan”? I’d definitely choose the latter … or even some trashy young adult book. Yeah … I have a thing for Chick Lit and Teen Romance. But what’s worse is that …
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Sometimes when I’m done reading those books, I will return them to the local bookstore and get credit towards buying another book. (I feel like such a dork keeping copies of Meg Cabot teen books on my book shelves …) I guess you can say it’s “almost” like borrowing books from the library. Except instead of a library card, it’s a Visa card.
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I consider myself pretty flexible and a go-with-the-flow type of person which, in normal circumstances I am … but throw a major issue that requires an immediate decision? I freeze up. I become paralyzed with anxiety and fear.
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Along the same “pretty flexible” line … I always thought I had the ability to see things in shades of grey. Nothing could ever be just black or white. Except if someone or something pushes me too far. Then all I see is that I’m either ABSOLUTELY right (as in “stubborn”) or COMPLETELY wrong (as in “stupid”).
Admit it ... Kozzy's adorable!
I have quite a wicked temper. I’ve gotten better over the years … thanks, mostly in part of the incredible patience my Hubby has for me. But push my buttons over and over and OVER again … well, just beware of my wrath.
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I apparently give off this vibe that I’m confident and secure with myself. That I’m a smart and quite knowledgeable person. And that I’m arrogant beyond belief. The truth is … most of the time I lack a whole lotta self-confidence and question every decision I make. And I’ve pretty much been like that my whole life.
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While I usually take pride in being unique and unusual individual, there are days I secretly wish I was just like everyone else.
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I have a difficult time speaking up for myself or doing something that I would want to do for myself. And when I do, I feel guilty … as if I’m being a very selfish person. And finally …
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Even though I hate to admit it, my Mom was right. I never should have given up piano lessons in 9th grade. Ten years of lessons, and the only song I can fully complete is “Heart and Soul.”

So there you go … 10 Honest Crap that you’ve always wanted to know about me, if you didn’t already.

Now hmmm … who to pass this award on to? Okay, here goes …

Kate: I know how much she loves doing these memes and she always has such awesome content on her blog,
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Kara: I love her writings (and her, too!) even when the content doesn’t necessarily fit the title to her blog.
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Pam: My favorite Wordgirl. I just love the way she writes, as if I was in the midst of reading one of those NON-trashy books I’m addicted to. 😛
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Veriance: She’s one of my HS friend. And well … I’m purely interested in seeing what her *honest* answers are. Also because I have ALWAYS loved reading her stuff … and am looking forward to reading more.
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Beth: Simply because reading her blog reminds me of being back home in the D.
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KC: As everything I’ve read on her blog has always been completely raw and honest. And besides … I’m SO excited for her in her new career path!And finally …
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Shifty Shadow: There are days that I think she writes exactly how I feel. How much more honest can that get?

Thanks again, LoriBeth … and thanks for all you readers out there that put up with my sometimes incessant and grandiose dissertations.