Category: Observe & Report

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Uhm … Hello.

Well, I think I’ve finally turned the corner on this whole cold/congestion thingy. I’m not as wiped out as I was before, and my taste buds are finally turning back to normal.

Except now I think I may have passed it on to Hubby. Boo.

I’ve nothing exciting to talk about, other than it’s been over a month now that I’ve been unemployed. I’ve got a few interviews set up for mid-June that look promising. Plus I had a second interview for that other job I’m really interested. So at this time, there’s nothing to do but apply for more jobs and wait.

Funky Shot from Woodward Avenue last summer
Funky Shot from Woodward Ave last summer

I’m in a little bit of a dry-spell creatively right now. I’m not sure if it has to do with the overall funk I’ve been in lately, or if all the snot hasn’t cleared out of my brains yet. Either way, I’ve found nothing that has struck me inspirationally (is that even a word?).

When I get in these moods, I find that I end up either a) wanting to read a fluffy, no heavy-stuff type of book, b) mindlessly knitting a project that I probably will never end up finishing, or c) watching a lot of television.

This time around I’ve opted for “C.” At first it was because it was May “sweeps” with tons of season finales; but now that it’s officially June, I suppose I have no excuse.

One day was an entire day of watching Amazing Wedding Cakes. Another day was Cake Boss. (And it’s no wonder I’ve been craving cake since then … )

I should add a disclaimer here: Lest you be worried about me doing nothing else but watching TV, just know that I haven’t. In fact, most days the television doesn’t get turned on until 6 pm or later. Give me a little credit here, peeps! During the day, I am looking for employment!

Anyhoo … it seems of late, that there has been a running theme in what I’ve been watching. Or rather … themes , since one of those themes has to do with medicinal marijuana and how to get “licensed” in growing and selling such a product. But that’s not the theme that seems to be most prominent.

Lately, every show I’ve watched has touched on the topic about being happy with the job or career that one or another TV character has chosen. In each case, every character had either talked about doing something they’re more passionate about or spoke to someone else about how they previously had a job that didn’t satisfy them until they went into the career that they were in now.

I can’t help wonder if these TV shows are talking directly to me. Or, in the unemployment state that I’m in right now, I’m just more sensitive towards that topic. Either way, it has me questioning what I’d be happiest doing with my life; especially since the proverbial door is wide open right now.

One of my favorite Funky Shots

Except now there’s the worry of money. And health benefits. And food and shelter. And all the other necessities in life.

Oh, and let’s not forget I have no idea what I’d be happiest doing in my life. Other than lounging on a beach in Hawaii.

Hmmph. When did I start to become so responsible?

In any case, I’m hoping that I snap out of this creative funk soon. Maybe embracing my inner geek at WordCamp Chicago will help … well, it’ll help me jazz up my WordPress-powered blog, anyway. At least I hope it will.

What about you, peeps? What do you do when you get in a creative funk? And more importantly, what do you do to get out of a creative funk?

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Cherry-Coloured Funk *

It’s after midnight and I’m finding myself in some sort of funk.

Which is sad, because my last posts were all about trying to enjoy the simple things in life; like the unconditional love that a pet can give you.

I am truly and utterly in a funk.

And I hate it.

I’ve (obviously) been trying my best to be optimistic about everything, but lately it seems as if I can’t catch a break. And it’s ridiculous, because it hasn’t even been more than a month since my life turned topsy-turvy.

Maybe it’s because the loss of my job reminds me too much of another loss that I’ve finally came to closure on. Well, as “closed” as it could get anyway.

I’ve always alluded to the fact that my inability to have children of my own, to be a mother has made me feel less of a person. It’s made me that Filipina, who was brought up to think of bringing up her husband’s children is the only purpose in life, feel like I’ve lost any reason to exist in this lifetime.

And once I  “resolved” myself to a life withouth children, I naturally gravitated to my career as the next “logical” reason to get out of bed every day.

Which, when you look at the time line of my blog, you’d notice it. Starting back in Autumn of 2008, up to the point where Hubby & I decided to “cut the strings.” Plain as night and day; written in black and white. (Figuratively speaking, that is). And when you see how much I put into this job since moving to Chicago; all the effort I made to making my career … it’s obvious that I found something to fill the void of Motherlessness.

Then suddenly and unexpectedly, I find myself without a job. I find myself without yet another purpose in life.

I find myself struggling with the loss of yet another reason for my existence.

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~

Earlier today, I asked my husband what my purpose in life was.

This was all before I came to the conclusion I did up above; before connecting the dots as to why I’m feeling the same kind of loss for my job as I did for the loss of Motherhood.

Before I realized that I wasn’t quite that crazy for having these negative thoughts; however irrational it may have seemed at the time.

And Hubby’s answer was, “It’s whatever we want it to be.”

In my mind I know that Hubby’s right. And my heart tells me that he’s right for me to think of this as a time of opportunity.

But the empty feeling I have in my gut keeps digging away at my core; struggling to find something out of nothing. And I wish I could make it stop.

Damn … but I was doing so well.

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~

* In case you’re wondering where the title of this post came from, it’s the name of a Cocteau Twins song that completely reflects the mood I’m in. Take a listen to it here … isn’t it hauntingly beautiful?

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A Folgers Moment

Hubby & I are back in Michigan for a few days; and I must admit that it’s good to be home. Especially after the past couple of weeks, post-employment.

Would LOVE this view with my Morning Java ...

I won’t lie. I’ve been completely stressed out over the unemployment issue. Between Hubby not getting paid in a timely manner (despite working non -stop on multiple jobs for the past few weeks) and me not bringing any income … we’ve been up late and night worrying about finances. And my job hunt has been painstakingly slow (well, at least in my eyes anyway).

So being in Michigan … and not having to be back to return on Monday to a non-existent job … has been nice. Minus the multiple loads of laundry we’ve brought back with us and cleaning up around the house we now consider our “home away from the city”, we should be able to relax … even for just a little bit.

We came home yesterday afternoon in time for Tyler’s Confirmation; where Hubby was given the honor of being his Sponsor. Afterward, we spent time at the In-Laws trying to convince Kairi that we were, indeed the same Auntie & Uncle she visited earlier in April. And after dinner, we spent time trying to sharpen Tyler’s Scrabble skills by playing a couple of games. So by the time we arrived back at our house, it was pretty late and it took all of a few moments before the dog was fed and we were in bed for the night.

Hubby & I crashed so hard that when the alarm I set on my phone went off this morning, I picked my phone up and “answered” it. And while I admittedly slept well in our wonderful non-IKEA queen-sized bed … I have to admit that I woke up feeling stressed. It’s as the minute my eyes opened, my mind bypassed neutral and went straight into overdrive.

Yeah. I’m that pitiful.

In any case, after a few moments of tossing and turning in bed I got up to take a very anxious Kozzy out for her morning business. After all, If I couldn’t calm myself down … the least I could do was calm Pacey McPacer down. So I took puppy-girl and headed out our front door. As she did her business next to a couple of bushes on our front lawn, I sat on our porch to take in the morning air. Then Kozzy decided to do the same thing; laying on the grass to bathe in the morning sunshine. It was … the most relaxing moment I’ve had in a looong time.

And because I had to share the moment with my best friend, I went back in and grabbed Hubby. We sat there for a spell, taking in the sights and sounds of a beautiful Sunday morning and absorbing the tranquility of our surrounding. No trains passing by in the distance, no traffic down the street … no taxis honking at the cars in front of them. Other than the sounds of birds chirping and the slight breeze passing by, it was so quiet.

A Couples Massage would be nice right about now ...

Unfortunately, we had places to be by lunch so we reluctantly went back in. Even Hubby agreed that it was a nice calming moment … saying that the only thing that would make it better is if we could go to the spa and get a massage**. And I couldn’t have agreed with him more!

But wow … what a perfect way to collect our thoughts and start the day. If I could find away to capture that moment and relive it every morning, I totally would. But then I guess this wouldn’t be a moment I’d be able to treasure forever.

I wouldn’t be able to document my own personal “Folgers Moment” …

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~

** The irony? Our Kozzy-girl is the one with a Spa Day. She gets to go to the groomer tomorrow and get a bath and her nails trimmed … or, as I’ve been calling it, a “Pedi-Pedi”! Is it wrong that I’m jealous?!

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The List

Dr. Bro & Me in the Late 70's

I have this habit of making lists. Maybe it’s the John-Cusack-character-from-“High Fidelity” in me, but I just like trying to mentally put things in order.

Now, these types of lists aren’t your typical “grocery” or “To Do” lists … these are the type of lists where I can grab information from various sources and disseminate them into some sort of order.

For instance, I can take all the concerts I’ve been to in my life (too many to count) and come up with the top 5 concerts I’ve been to thus far. (INXS 1986, Depeche Mode 1988, Sisters of Mercy 1991, Underworld, and the Pixies 2004).

Or I can take a project I’m working on and come up with a fact-driven list of pros and cons to making a change to a particular work process. Either way, making these lists helps me organize my thoughts into some functioning and working order.

Yeah. I’m that much of an uber-geek.

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~

Dr. Bro & Me in the early 80's with Muffin

Last night, I received some incredible news. One that I’m – without a doubt – very excited about.

Last night I received the news that Dr. Bro and Dr. SIL are expecting.

I’ve honestly been anticipating this news for quite some time now; as Dr. SIL and I have had conversations about this same topic in the recent past. And, genuinely couldn’t be more than ecstatic for the two of them.

As I spoke with Dr. Bro on the phone last night, he oh-so-gently asked me if I was okay with this. Especially since he has been known to read my blog, and may have some idea of the subsequent reactions I’ve had with previous pregnancy announcements and birth.

Dr. Bro & Me on my Wedding Day, 1996

Without hesitation, I answered that I was perfectly okay with the news. But I also cautioned him that there may be days where I might be more snarky than usual. And if I was … then he should know that it is in no way directed at either him or Dr. SIL. I also told him that if I got too much, both of them had every right to smack me upside my head.

After hanging up with Dr. Bro, I sat quietly and let the news sink in … which, as any infertile should know, is never a good thing. As all these thoughts and emotions came at me fast and furiously, I found myself writing them down.

When I was done, I discovered that I unconsciously wrote down one of my “fact-based” lists. Except it wasn’t a “Top 5” list; nor was it a “Pro/Con” list. No … this list had me separating my negative emotions/thoughts about Dr. Bro’s recent announcement from the positive ones. And afterward, I put this list away hoping to revisit it again this morning with a clear head.

So this morning, I re-read my list. And what I found from my list was that I had more “positive” emotions than “negative.” I had more reasons to be “happy” and “excited” about this pregnancy than I had reasons to be sad.

Dr. Bro & Me on his Wedding Day, 2006

While this might not seem much to someone who has never experienced infertility … this was a major breakthrough for me. Because for once in my infertile life, I somehow know I’ll be able to survive this pregnancy (and hopefully with my dignity still intact afterward). Seeing my fact -based list will help me through this time.

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~

So … what did my list look like? What thoughts ran through my head after finding out about Dr. Bro and Dr. SIL pregnancy? Well, in case you were interested …

Negative:

  • Yet another pregnancy that I’ll never experience.
  • When my Dad goes to the Philippines, he’ll be “rightfully” bragging about it. Which will inevitably bring up the question about whether Hubby & I have any children.
  • There will be moments where I’ll unexpectedly feel blue. Or empty.
  • This will be a gift to my parents that I’ll never be able to give.
I've never seen my brother SO happy than on his Wedding Day

Positive:

  • I’m actually going to be related by blood to this child.
  • Although I’ve been “Auntie Em” to Hubby’s nephews and niece … I’m officially going to be “Auntie Em” to this child.
  • Part of my genetic makeup, even though it’s not my DNA, will be passed on to this child.
  • I’ll finally get to see some of that “Nature vs. Nurture” from my side of the family.
  • I’m in a much better frame of mind (not to mention acceptance ) in where I’m at in my Infertility Journey than I was back at the end of 2008.
  • Although I feel “close” to Dr. SIL, we’re not as close – nor do we have years and years of history – as Hubby’s sister and I do.
  • After all is said and done, the fact of the matter is that Hubby & I have our own future to look forward to.
  • My parents will finally get to be grandparents.

So, Dr. Bro and Dr. SIL – if you’re reading this – just know that I cannot wait to be this child’s “Favorite Aunt” … well, at least from Dr. Bro’s side of the family!