Category: Infertile Me

Posted on

Such a Gleek

Although this post is not directly related to completely geeky pictures of me, I figured I might be able to get away with linking this to Aunt Becky’s latest game. After all, these are pretty lame high school pictures of me …

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~

It’s Tuesday night and I’m watching a rerun of one of my other new favorite TV show, “Glee.”

Yeah ... the caption underneath says it all!

I know what it must seem: that I have no life other than watching TV or movies, Facebooking, and blogging. Which, in addition to work, is pretty much accurate. But I’m okay with that. Really.

Anyway, I love “Glee” because it reminds me so much of being in high school and the search for belonging to something. Not that I belonged to one particular group or another back then. Even though I had my core group of friends, I managed to surprisingly float amongst all cliques.

But “Glee”? It brings me back to Varsity Choir and Drama Club. It reminds me of the days where a good friend, K and I used to hang out in the Sophomore hallway listening to some Dead Milkmen and Bauhaus on our Walkmans. It also reminds me of the days where a couple other friends and I used to harmonize quite a few early Depeche Mode and Erasure songs.

But mostly “Glee” reminds me of one of the other things I love to do, which is sing. I blame it on my parents need to record me singing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” (and hitting Dr. Bro on his head with the mic) at the age of four.** And the whole early-edition karaoke machine we had in the mid-80’s.

Yep, "Gleeky" Emily (front and center) in Varsity Choir

In any case, there’s been this ongoing fake pregnancy story line between the Glee Club faculty advisor, Will Schuster and his wife, Terri. This couple had been together since high school and have, for years, been trying to start their family. While one would think this infertility story would be one that I would’ve liked, it actually annoyedme more than anything. But thank G*d, the “fake pregnancy” story finally resolved with the “winter finale” this past December. Unfortunately, it ended with Will leaving his wife after all the lies she weaved.

Watching the repeat of this episode tonight, I was reminded of a line that Terri Schuster said as she made her case to “win” Will back. She said:

“It’s just … I wanted so many things that I know we’re never going to have. But that was okay; as long as I still had you.”

And the thing is, when I heard this crazy woman say those words … I completely understood her.

I understood what it meant to do anything that I could to have a family with my Hubby. And I understood how much it would mean to me to share these things … these experiences … with my Hubby. But the difference between Terri Schuster and me is that I would never lie to my Hubby at the risk of losing him.

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~

And now for my Lenten acts.

Senior Year ... Future SIL and I were SOOO cool! LOL!

Random Act of Kindness Du Jour: It’s been a strange couple weeks at work regarding staff member’s families. Last week, one of my new Case Manager’s father passed away. And this week, another one of my Case Manager’s sisters unexpectedly passed on. To show our sympathies, our department typically sends flowers. Which is nice … but that’s not the good deed for today.

My good deed surrounds speaking one on one with the staff member whose sister passed away. This same staff member, who received the news yesterday at work, still came in to work this morning. When I spoke with her, I asked her how she felt and how she was coping. And yes, I offered to let her go home at any time. However, this staff member told me that it was probably best that she work so as to keep her mind off of the situation surrounding her surviving family members. When I pressed just a little further, I managed to get her to open up more. Without going into details, basically what I did was provide her with the support she needed as she wasn’t really getting it from anywhere else. And, while it didn’t make her feel a 100% better, at least I know I provided her with some comfort.

Gratitude Du Jour: I can’t tell you how grateful I am that Hubby drives me to work in the mornings. First of all, it allows me to arrive at work feeling less sticky and out of breath. Second, it allows me to feel less rushed in trying to make the El train in the morning. But most of all … well, it just allows me to sleep in for just a few moments longer. And anybody that knows me, knows that I love my sleep!

And with that said … I’m officially off to bed. G’Night all!!

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~

** Seriously, there is tape-recorded evidence of this!

I was even a Drama Club chairperson (again, front and center)


Posted on

Spare Parts

I actually started writing this post on my iPhone on the drive from Chicago to Detroit. Ah … The wonders of modern technology!

Click on to the picture to find out about this "store front"

Typically on the 5-hour drive, Hubby usually gets the “honor” of being behind the wheel. And there’s something about his driving that usually lulls me to sleep. But today, despite staying up late last night and putting in a six-hour work day, I’m surprisingly wide awake. Maybe it’s the Real Fruit Berry Slushie from the Sonic in K-zoo? Nah …

In the past, whenever we’d go on long road trips, Hubby & I would make it an event. We’d stack up the CD’s and pack some snacks and have so much fun. And in between Van Morrison and CCR songs** Hubby and I would have these incredible conversations about our life together, our future, and our hopes & dreams.

Not that we still don’t have awesome conversations now on our round-trips between Chi-Town and Motown; it’s just that they don’t always happen during every trip … Especially with Hubby’s uncanny ability to make me so nice and relaxed when he does the driving.

And because those conversations were really in the earlier years of our relationship, there was more to find out about one another. There was more about us, as individuals, to share. There were more dreams of the ideal future to discuss.

There was none of those shared worries or disappointments. There was no shared heartbreaks for futures that weren’t realized. There was only hope.

It’s because of those things that these awesome conversations happen less … But when they do, they are so much more exciting and fun.

Today, Hubby & I had one of those fun conversations. Since learning more web apps, he’s been dying to either a) start up and design his own blog, or b) take my blog and move it to my own domain so that he can have all the fun in playing around with it while designing it. Now I’m totally for Option B here*** but I’d also love to see Hubby write his own blog as well.

Anyway, a couple days we were trying to come up with potential names for his blog. Unfortunately, we never came up with any that would “stick.”

Today on the drive to Detroit, I came up with a name that I thought would make for a great new blog title … For me. Except when I told Hubby about it, he thought that I was talking about a blog title for him.

The title? “Spare Parts” which would have been great for an infertile living child-free like me, who still has all her lady parts. Except … well, except they just don’t work. So yeah. Spare. Parts.

Hubby, on the other hand, thought that I was talking about a blog name for him, where he’s just the “spare part” to me. In which  he proceeded to say to me, “What does that mean? That I’m so old and broken? And that I’m replaceable? For newer parts?”

He was serious, and yet I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Of course not,” I told him. “I was talking about myself!” and then I explained to him the reason I came up with the name.

But that still didn’t stop Hubby from calling himself as “Spare Part” for the rest of our drive home. Or referring to particular Hubby behaviors as a “Spare Part” behavior. Like, for instance, the fact that he has a tendency to ask multiple questions at one time as “Spare Part questions.” Or heading in the wrong direction towards the freeway as “Spare Part directions.”

Later on that night, as we were closer to home I told him that he was irreplaceable. That there was only one Hubby for me. And if anything, I was the one who was replaceable … with my broken parts.

And of course he told me that *I* had no spare parts; that I was perfect the way I am. Most importantly, he told me this: The two of us separately can be seen as “spare parts.” But together … well, that just makes us whole.

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~

Now … for my daily Lenten activities:

Today’s Good Deed: At work, I had scheduled a vendor meeting for my entire team (not my first choice of days during the week). This, unfortunately meant that my telecommuters had to come in to the office for the day. Hubby gave me the brilliant idea of bringing in some treats for the team. So we stopped off at Dunkin’ Donuts on the way to the office and picked up a dozen donuts; for no other reason other than to celebrate that it was Friday and that we were all together in the office. The best part? As I stepped out of the elevator, three of my team members were waiting to climb on to go down for a morning snack. And guess what they were going to buy? That’s right peeps … donuts! Hubby obviously had a sixth sense about stopping for this particular snack.

Today’s Gratitude: Every time we go back to Metro-Detroit, we make it a ritual to meet up with our friend, J. And of course, we try to meet up at our favorite local tavern for some good burgers. Tonight was no exception to our meet-up, but … being a (questionably) good Catholic, I refrained from eating meat on a Friday during Lent. (I know! What restraint!!) I may have mentioned in previous posts that we consider J one of our closest friends; so today I’m grateful for this friendship and the incredible conversations we have whenever we get together.

So that’s it for today … it’s actually quite late as I’m finishing up this post. Truth be told, it’s already Saturday early morning … but since I technically didn’t sleep yet … this is still Friday’s post. And that’s how I’m going to date it.

So there. <sticks tongue out>

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~

** Because there’s something about those classic rock songs that just make you wanna sing them at the top of our lungs while driving long distances …

*** Hey, why not?! It’d be relatively free for me!

Posted on

Identity Theft

Big "L" for Lame Blog Friend

Since I’ve been blogging a lot recently, I’ve been trying to make an effort to “socialize” more. I admit that I am decent at writing posts, but not so great about commenting on other reader’s posts or comments in regards to my posts.

If it makes anybody feel better … I’m pretty much consistent with responding on Facebook and Twitter!

Anyhoo … I’ve been trying to read and comment on those blogs of people who I’ve been following since the beginning and who have followed me through those difficult years. There are three gals that I wish we could all get together in the same room and just shoot the sh*t; two I’ve met IRL and one … well, she has always been such a bright spot in my day.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve met and have gotten pretty close to those other bloggers out there; it’s just that these three gals … well, I think there’s just something about them that seem to tie us all together (had to get one last February NaBloPoMo theme in … even though it’s March). And even though our shared bond was/is infertility, this friendship seems to have gone beyond it. So even though I had “disappeared” there for a bit (I blame no one but myself), I’m trying to make sure I keep these friendships up.

********

I’m also branching out and trying to “socialize” with new bloggers. In the midst of writing daily, I’ve noticed that I had more “followers” and “lurkers” than I thought I did. (Thank you WordPress Blog Stats!) So yes, I’ve been trying to follow these bloggers and comment on their posts as well.

One of those new bloggie friends wrote a post about stigma and “spoiled identity” as it relates to her life and her struggles with infertility. And as I read her post, I realized that I had never quite described that feeling of social isolation and exclusion as being stigmatized. Or that feeling of not being able to contribute to conversations about child-rearing or pregnancy as being “socially discredited.” But that’s exactly what had happened in my IF journey.

It’s funny how I can learn new things, new perspectives from others going through what I had already gone through. Which, when going through my journey, I would have probably found any new point of view either comforting … or annoying.

Comforting, only if the person shared my same point of view or emotions. And annoying, if the person brought up something that hit a little too close to my soul … and sometimes (quite honestly) below the belt.

But reading these new perspectives now, after coming to terms with my own journey, they’re … well, refreshing. And, given what I learned today about my identity during that journey, I’d like to think I’m still learning about my IF journey, even if I’m no longer on that path.

********

These three “original” IF friends … we’re all on different journeys now than when we first “met” via our own separate blogs. One of us is currently pregnant and two of us are currently off that crazy train called infertility. And one … well, one is at a point in her IF journey where I was at for so long. But despite the fact that we’re no longer on that shared path of IF, we’re still in a shared journey together. We’re still trying to provide support to one another.

All of us have been stigmatized by infertility. All of us have been robbed of the “identity” that we thought we’d have by now. All of us have experienced the feeling of being excluded (whether purposefully or not) from certain baby-related conversations or events. Yet all of us have managed to find comfort from one another. All of us have managed to forge a NEW identity amongst ourselves … outside of our infertility.

Because even though we may have had / still have a “spoiled identity” amongst other people in our own real lives, we’ve found that amongst us … our opinions matter. And our voices are allowed to be heard.

********

My version of "The Grudge"

Daily Random Act of Kindness:  Let’s see; today my “good deed” for today was more of an exercise of patience. Let me set up the scene:

When I left work on Friday, it just happened that one of my team members was not very happy with the outcome of a conversation I had with her and the rest of my team earlier in the afternoon. Now, historically … this particular team member is known to hold grudges; and before I could approach her about the issue again last Friday, she had left for the day.

Needless to say, I dreaded going in to work today; knowing full well that I’d feel the wrath of The Grudge. And sure enough, when I made my “morning rounds” to say good morning to my team, all I got from this team member was a grunt.

It took a few tries, but I finally got her to say more than five words to me by mid-morning. And by the afternoon, she was finally back to her normal self.

A "Robert Smith" version of me in HS

While I know I needed to resolve the issue with this team member (seeing as I had to continue working with her and, well … supervising her), I think — or rather, I feel that I went above and beyond (and definitely out of my way) to get her to come around.

So yeah. I consider the patience I had with this team member my good deed of the day.

Daily Gratitude: Today I am grateful for bloggie friends; both old and new. If it wasn’t for you … I think I would have totally lost my identity. But you guys … well, you guys have kept me grounded.

********

On a completely (un)related note, today marks the first day of NaBloPoMo March. For those of you that aren’t familiar with what NaBloPoMo is, click here to read more.

The theme for March is Strange(r). So my posts can be about strange (or stranger) tidbits of information or situations or stories. Or it can be about strangers; as in, “Strangers in the night.” Yet again, it’s a vague theme which I’m not necessarily held to writing about. However, seeing that today’s post talked about complete strangers that have become close bloggie friends, and about new strangers that I’ve just met … it looks as if it fits into this month’s theme.

Much more to come in the following month …

Posted on

Dedicated

I am so dedicated to completing the month of posting daily (although I started to lose the whole “Ties” theme midway through), that I’m currently writing this with my eyes half-closed.

I’m so looking forward to this weekend, just so I can catch some Zzzz’s. Not only have I stayed up late pretty much every night since the Olympics, but it feels as if I’ve been running non-stop at work this past week. Needless to say, I am exhausted.

So before I literally fall asleep with my head on the laptop keyboard, let’s get down to business:

Today’s “Good Deed” for the day involved speaking with one of those interesting homeless guys on the streets of Chicago. Because Hubby had a conference until 4:30 downtown, we made plans to meet at the local Borders Bookstore after I got off work. And since I had enough of work today, I left my office a half hour earlier (with the blessing of Big Boss, of course) And as I stood outside the store patiently waiting for Hubby, this completely harmless Homeless Guy (HG) came up to me and started talking with me.

Now, normally I would give any stranger that came up to me (let alone one that appeared to have bathed in liquor) a rather disparaging look and dismiss him or her. But since it was Friday, and HG appeared friendly enough, I decided to humor him.  After about 10 minutes of bantering back and forth about me being “full of it” (he didn’t believe I was married) and about trying his best to do what he thinks is right … Hubby finally showed up; probably much to this guy’s chagrin. And after a brief three-way conversation, HG reluctantly let Hubby & I go on our merry way.

Of course, Hubby had to tease me about how he couldn’t leave me alone for a minute; that I always seem to attract the opposite sex … of which I immediately corrected him by saying that I always seemed to attract the “best” of the bunch. Hah!

At the very least, I hope I provided HG a little bright spot in his day. I’m sure that most people either ignore him as they walk on by. Or they do what I normally do on any given day. Sometimes I think that people just want to be heard, so I’d like to think I indulged him with that opportunity.

As for what I’m thankful for today? Since I’m so frickin’ exhausted, I’m just quite happy that one thing I get to “indulge” in every weekend is the ability to sleep in or wake up on my own time. If there’s any bright spot about living child-free after infertility, this is definitely one of them!

Okay, that’s it. I’m done for the night. Hope you all have a wonderful Friday night … and may you all have the opportunity to sleep in. Even if it’s just for a bit!!