Category: CF Living after IF

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Identity Theft

Big "L" for Lame Blog Friend

Since I’ve been blogging a lot recently, I’ve been trying to make an effort to “socialize” more. I admit that I am decent at writing posts, but not so great about commenting on other reader’s posts or comments in regards to my posts.

If it makes anybody feel better … I’m pretty much consistent with responding on Facebook and Twitter!

Anyhoo … I’ve been trying to read and comment on those blogs of people who I’ve been following since the beginning and who have followed me through those difficult years. There are three gals that I wish we could all get together in the same room and just shoot the sh*t; two I’ve met IRL and one … well, she has always been such a bright spot in my day.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve met and have gotten pretty close to those other bloggers out there; it’s just that these three gals … well, I think there’s just something about them that seem to tie us all together (had to get one last February NaBloPoMo theme in … even though it’s March). And even though our shared bond was/is infertility, this friendship seems to have gone beyond it. So even though I had “disappeared” there for a bit (I blame no one but myself), I’m trying to make sure I keep these friendships up.

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I’m also branching out and trying to “socialize” with new bloggers. In the midst of writing daily, I’ve noticed that I had more “followers” and “lurkers” than I thought I did. (Thank you WordPress Blog Stats!) So yes, I’ve been trying to follow these bloggers and comment on their posts as well.

One of those new bloggie friends wrote a post about stigma and “spoiled identity” as it relates to her life and her struggles with infertility. And as I read her post, I realized that I had never quite described that feeling of social isolation and exclusion as being stigmatized. Or that feeling of not being able to contribute to conversations about child-rearing or pregnancy as being “socially discredited.” But that’s exactly what had happened in my IF journey.

It’s funny how I can learn new things, new perspectives from others going through what I had already gone through. Which, when going through my journey, I would have probably found any new point of view either comforting … or annoying.

Comforting, only if the person shared my same point of view or emotions. And annoying, if the person brought up something that hit a little too close to my soul … and sometimes (quite honestly) below the belt.

But reading these new perspectives now, after coming to terms with my own journey, they’re … well, refreshing. And, given what I learned today about my identity during that journey, I’d like to think I’m still learning about my IF journey, even if I’m no longer on that path.

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These three “original” IF friends … we’re all on different journeys now than when we first “met” via our own separate blogs. One of us is currently pregnant and two of us are currently off that crazy train called infertility. And one … well, one is at a point in her IF journey where I was at for so long. But despite the fact that we’re no longer on that shared path of IF, we’re still in a shared journey together. We’re still trying to provide support to one another.

All of us have been stigmatized by infertility. All of us have been robbed of the “identity” that we thought we’d have by now. All of us have experienced the feeling of being excluded (whether purposefully or not) from certain baby-related conversations or events. Yet all of us have managed to find comfort from one another. All of us have managed to forge a NEW identity amongst ourselves … outside of our infertility.

Because even though we may have had / still have a “spoiled identity” amongst other people in our own real lives, we’ve found that amongst us … our opinions matter. And our voices are allowed to be heard.

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My version of "The Grudge"

Daily Random Act of Kindness:  Let’s see; today my “good deed” for today was more of an exercise of patience. Let me set up the scene:

When I left work on Friday, it just happened that one of my team members was not very happy with the outcome of a conversation I had with her and the rest of my team earlier in the afternoon. Now, historically … this particular team member is known to hold grudges; and before I could approach her about the issue again last Friday, she had left for the day.

Needless to say, I dreaded going in to work today; knowing full well that I’d feel the wrath of The Grudge. And sure enough, when I made my “morning rounds” to say good morning to my team, all I got from this team member was a grunt.

It took a few tries, but I finally got her to say more than five words to me by mid-morning. And by the afternoon, she was finally back to her normal self.

A "Robert Smith" version of me in HS

While I know I needed to resolve the issue with this team member (seeing as I had to continue working with her and, well … supervising her), I think — or rather, I feel that I went above and beyond (and definitely out of my way) to get her to come around.

So yeah. I consider the patience I had with this team member my good deed of the day.

Daily Gratitude: Today I am grateful for bloggie friends; both old and new. If it wasn’t for you … I think I would have totally lost my identity. But you guys … well, you guys have kept me grounded.

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On a completely (un)related note, today marks the first day of NaBloPoMo March. For those of you that aren’t familiar with what NaBloPoMo is, click here to read more.

The theme for March is Strange(r). So my posts can be about strange (or stranger) tidbits of information or situations or stories. Or it can be about strangers; as in, “Strangers in the night.” Yet again, it’s a vague theme which I’m not necessarily held to writing about. However, seeing that today’s post talked about complete strangers that have become close bloggie friends, and about new strangers that I’ve just met … it looks as if it fits into this month’s theme.

Much more to come in the following month …

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The End is Nigh

Never saw a sign like this until Cannon Beach, OR

Wow … I’m writing on the eve of my last daily entry for the month. The end is actually near! Can’t believe I survived yet another month of posting every day … actually, I can’t believe that I signed up to write for another 36 days until Easter Monday.

Eesh. I’m wondering if I have enough “Good Deeds” in me to last that long … As it is, I’m thinking that some of the good deeds I do are rather … lame or trivial. But I suppose doing something is better than nothing.

Today, Hubby & I slept in. Good G*D, it felt good to sleep in. And although I know that this is a luxury that most other people aren’t able to do (read: those with kids), I figure that this is something that I can at least add to the (very short) list of positive things that infertility has given me.

But that was last night‘s item of gratitude. Let’s see … what other thing about infertility can I be grateful for? Well, seeing that Hubby & I spent the afternoon at the grocery store … I guess I can say that I’m grateful that Hubby & I only have to worry about buying groceries for ourselves. Because somedays I’m just amazed how much two weeks of groceries can cost for just two people. Imagine if we had more than our two mouths to feed? As it is … our dollar is stretched tightly these days. Or as one of my co-workers said, “There’s still too much month at the end of our money.”** So yeah … that’s what I’m grateful for today.

Surfing the web tonight regarding the latest catastrophes

Good Deed? That one’s a toughy today. Probably mostly because I’m (if you can’t tell by now) not exactly in the most “giving” mood today. And I suppose if I had to name a “good deed” today, it would be that I withstood listening to a rather awful poetry reading group while at Borders tonight. (Boy, am I snarky today!) Don’t get me wrong, me love me some good cultural and creative vibe … and, if I was being honest, I’d say that a few were pretty good. But … well, yeah. I’ll just leave it at that.

One of the “readings” had to do with the whole “2010 End of the World” deal. Which, given the fact that I just mentioned above that *I* had another “ending” in site, is rather funny. (Babbling, I know. But I’m talking about NaBloPoMo for February.) But as this guy talked about wars and earthquakes, I couldn’t help but think of the most recent events of late.

Like today … the earthquake in Chile. And the Tsunami warnings for Hawaii and all the other Pacific Islands (including the Philippines).  Or even the recent iceberg collision that caused one of them to break off a huge piece into the ocean; which may cause, what some scientists believe, a disruption in the ocean’s circulation and therefore disrupting marine life.

Original 1900's shot of Crowfoot Glacier

Just over five years ago was the major tsunami in India. In 2007, there was the glacial lake (in Chile, of all places) that completely disappeared. Even when we went to the Canadian Rockies two years ago, we saw with our own eyes, how much the Crowfoot Glacier had melted.

Then there was last month’s devastating earthquake in Haiti; of which a team member of mine lost family in that tragedy. And just two weeks ago, an earthquake here. In Chicago.

I’m not a firm believer in the whole 2012 theory that the end of the world will be on December 21st of that year. However … I do think that something will happen that will cause the world’s population to change in some way. Whatever that “thing” is … it will probably require a major paradigm shift in the way that the world operates today.

A shot of the same Glacier (by yours truly) in 2008. Notice the bottom "claw" has melted away?

Because seriously … at the rate that these devastating events are coming***, I just might have to expect swarms of locusts followed by the Four Horsemen.

Okay, depressing post done with for the day. Let’s hope for a better one tomorrow.

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** Sadly, it’s the end of the month (a short one, at that) and POOF! All that money’s gone. <sigh>

*** Anybody else notice how more and more frequently these “natural” disasters are coming at us?!

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Dedicated

I am so dedicated to completing the month of posting daily (although I started to lose the whole “Ties” theme midway through), that I’m currently writing this with my eyes half-closed.

I’m so looking forward to this weekend, just so I can catch some Zzzz’s. Not only have I stayed up late pretty much every night since the Olympics, but it feels as if I’ve been running non-stop at work this past week. Needless to say, I am exhausted.

So before I literally fall asleep with my head on the laptop keyboard, let’s get down to business:

Today’s “Good Deed” for the day involved speaking with one of those interesting homeless guys on the streets of Chicago. Because Hubby had a conference until 4:30 downtown, we made plans to meet at the local Borders Bookstore after I got off work. And since I had enough of work today, I left my office a half hour earlier (with the blessing of Big Boss, of course) And as I stood outside the store patiently waiting for Hubby, this completely harmless Homeless Guy (HG) came up to me and started talking with me.

Now, normally I would give any stranger that came up to me (let alone one that appeared to have bathed in liquor) a rather disparaging look and dismiss him or her. But since it was Friday, and HG appeared friendly enough, I decided to humor him.  After about 10 minutes of bantering back and forth about me being “full of it” (he didn’t believe I was married) and about trying his best to do what he thinks is right … Hubby finally showed up; probably much to this guy’s chagrin. And after a brief three-way conversation, HG reluctantly let Hubby & I go on our merry way.

Of course, Hubby had to tease me about how he couldn’t leave me alone for a minute; that I always seem to attract the opposite sex … of which I immediately corrected him by saying that I always seemed to attract the “best” of the bunch. Hah!

At the very least, I hope I provided HG a little bright spot in his day. I’m sure that most people either ignore him as they walk on by. Or they do what I normally do on any given day. Sometimes I think that people just want to be heard, so I’d like to think I indulged him with that opportunity.

As for what I’m thankful for today? Since I’m so frickin’ exhausted, I’m just quite happy that one thing I get to “indulge” in every weekend is the ability to sleep in or wake up on my own time. If there’s any bright spot about living child-free after infertility, this is definitely one of them!

Okay, that’s it. I’m done for the night. Hope you all have a wonderful Friday night … and may you all have the opportunity to sleep in. Even if it’s just for a bit!!

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Keeping the Momentum

There’s a part of me that realizes I’ve changed since coming to a resolution with my infertility; since moving to Chicago. It’s been a gradual change; mostly based on the increasing confidence and strength I’ve garnered over the past year.

And this past month, with all the writing I’ve been doing … I realize that my posts have definitely taken a different tone.  Specifically, I’ve noticed that I’ve taken a break from the sad, depressing — and even angry — parts of my life.

I have always loved making observations about myself and of the world. My mom always told me that I was both very perceptive and inquisitive, so I guess it comes naturally to me. The only problem I’ve encountered (especially more recently) is that I often forget what an impact some of these observations have on me. And if I don’t write them down … well, then my “lightbulb moment” gets lost in the dim recess of my mind.

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Speaking of observations … yesterday was the “observed” Catholic Holy Day of Ash Wednesday. Ask me if I went to mass … and I’m sure you’d already know the answer. But we’ve already had many a conversation about my actual “practice” of my Catholic faith.

Regardless, there are certain things … traditions, really … that I like to follow. (Coincidentally, a bloggie friend recently talked about how traditions in religion is something she enjoys … read about it here.) One of them is the practice of “giving up” something during Lent.

I debated for a few days as to what I would give up this year. In the past, I’ve typically given up things that I really, really enjoy … knowing that I’d really only be practicing the art of self-restraint.  One year it was chocolate-covered pretzels, and another year was caramel apple suckers. Come Easter after both years, I was so good at exercising self-restraint that I no longer had those “cravings” to consume them as I had done before Ash Wednesday.

This year I thought about giving up Coca-Cola (I’m addicted) or even any form of chocolate (detrimental to *anyone’s* sanity). And as I told my co-worker this, she told me what she decided to do different for Lent this year.

Since she was already pretty adept at giving up things for Lent, my co-worker chose to “pay it forward” this Lenten season. Meaning that she would decide to do one random act of kindness every day for the 40 days before Easter.

The more she talked about her plans, the more she had me sold on doing the same thing. Even though I understand the concept of “giving up” something for Lent as being able to exercise abstinence and to “purify the soul” before the day of Resurrection … the “rebel” Catholic in me thinks that this concept in this century is self-defeating, rather than self-appreciating.

If this sounds muddled, let me explain it with this train of thought: If I decide to give up chocolate for Lent this year and I’m not successful, I know I’d feel guilty. Even worse is that the mere thought of having chocolate before Easter would already elicit those feelings of guilt … even if I didn’t have any .

Yeah, self-defeating.

But … let’s say that instead of “giving up” something, I decide to “give” something to someone else … like an extra sandwich from my catered lunch meeting today to the homeless person outside of the Starbucks by work … well, it would make me feel as if I’ve helped someone else and it would make me feel good about myself. And in the end, it would boost my confidence.

Kinda like how once I started to allow myself to feel “happy” again (after 12+ years of infertility), I’ve managed to garner some momentum in gaining confidence and strength. And more importantly, contentment in my overall life. (See how it all ties together?)

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My goal this February was to write an entry a day; and seeing that I have only 11 days to go, I’m pretty sure I will meet this goal and gather more of that strength and confidence.

LOOVE this "work flow" chart!

SO … in order to continue that forward momentum, I’ve decided to borrow my co-worker’s Lenten promise. Starting today (and ending on Easter Monday … since I’m already a day behind), I am going to vow to perform one random act of kindness a day and document that daily deed on my blog.

But not only that … I’m also going write about one thing that I’m thankful for every day. Because the exercise here is to remember that others may not have the same luxuries (whether material or other luxuries) in life that I do.

And I hope this gets me closer towards feeling more fulfilled in this life.