Storm Clouds and Strength

Hello Blogland. It’s been awhile. And while I haven’t written much more than the quarterly (and now annually) performance evals for my staff as well as politically correct email after email … It’s not like I didn’t have the need or desire to write.

Storm Clouds gathering at the Mayan Ruins of Tulum

Like how, for the first time in, oh … I don’t know, 14 years, I wasn’t too wrapped up on how much the holiday season was about having a child in which to bestow such happiness and wonderment on. While part of the reason was because I was so busy between work and traveling back and forth from Detroit … I think it was honestly because I didn’t feel the need to separate myself from the friends and family with kids as I have in the past. It was rather … liberating, may I say.

Or how a year ago earlier this month, I celebrated my 1-yr work anniversary at my current place of employment. This means, of course, that it’s officially been a year since I’ve moved to Chicago.

That Sunday before my “anniversary,” Hubby and I spend the morning in bed. And as we lay there, all nice and snuggly underneath four layers of blankets, we recalled what it was like for us a year ago that day; how I watched him from our second story apartment window drive away from me back to our home in Michigan, where he would live until April.

And so it begins to rain on the coast of the Caribbean Sea

Hubby & I hugged a little tighter after that brief memory; and rightly so, as I recall feeling as if my heart had broken into a zillion pieces. Especially since we’d  only see each other on the weekends after that.  But Thank G*d for modern technology; specifically, video iChat, which allowed me to literally fall asleep “next” to him … even though we were separated by hundreds of miles of roads and, well, a gazillion miles worth of cable for such an internet connection.

Looking back on that first day of work last year, I still can’t believe how I managed to get through it without falling apart. New city, new job, new place of living … oh, and no car, too. Any one of those things could be considered a major stressor in life, but then throw in the fact that Hubby wasn’t physically there to hold my hand through it? Yeah, like I said … amazing I made it through a whole day, let alone three whole months before we were “living” under the same roof again.

It’s amazing how much one could draw strength at times when it’s needed most. Early 2009 was definitely one of those times. What I can’t understand is how strength can come in many different forms; especially at times when it seems as if things are the bleakest.

What? There's a beach down there?!

Last year, I drew strength from knowing that I was going to do everything possible to make this “new life” successful. I had to make it work; simply because I knew the consequences of it not working would be to move back to Michigan. Not that I wouldn’t do it (or be unhappy about it) if things came to that … I just wanted to try my best so that I could gain some momentum on success in my life.

So what or where did I draw strength from during my lowest point in my IF journey? Good question. Those days I honestly don’t know how I put one foot in front of the other. Because even though I tried my “best” to be successful in creating a family … well, we all know the end results. And how does one find strength from inside when the end result would never be 100% clear? Where the “consequences” of not being successful were just as, if not deeper and darker than the pain felt at the very beginning of the IF journey?

The short answer is that I don’t know. All I know is that, even though my IF journey ended with living child-free, I somehow managed to find a small glimmer of light, a slight silver lining around the edges of the storm clouds of infertility. And I managed to find some strength to find my way out of the darkness.

And I hope that any other IF-ers that read this knows that, even in its worse days, somehow that strength is buried deep inside; it’s just a matter of remembering to use it.

What the H*ll, I'm already wet!!

9 Replies to “Storm Clouds and Strength”

  1. You’ve come so far in a year Emily. I’m so proud of you. You are forging new paths, embracing your present and your future, and doing so hand in hand with your wonderful husband. Go Em!

  2. Gorgeous photos, great words. So good to see you posting again, Emily!! (Has it really been a year since you made the big move??)

  3. Dude. You are SO strong. I can’t believe it’s already been a year since you started your new job. I know how hard it is to move away from friends/family/home, but I did so knowing that I was following my love, not also leaving him behind. Did I say it yet? You are ridiculously strong.

    And frankly, to come to the incredibly difficult decision to live child-free– that takes strength. It takes strength not to waver in that decision. It takes strength to even make that decision, when for so long, the focus has been the complete opposite of that. I think I’ve often said that if IVF hadn’t worked that living childfree would be a likely option for us– but to actually make the decision, to actually do it, to live it day to day? I don’t know that I would have been strong enough to do it.

    I am so very happy for you that you’ve seen the storm and decided instead to dance in the rain. Perfect.

  4. Hello. I came over from Pam’s blog and wow – just wow – your blog has so much strength and perspective it. I was diagnosed with medical infertility (from childhood cancer). My husband and I have decided to remain childfree and most days – some days – I feel like I have come to terms with accepting this – but does one ever really full accept it?

    I have a blog but I haven;t been blogging much about my innfertility lately; trying to focus on the now and the many amazing things I DO have in my life – I will be back to visit again…..thanks for sharing so much of yourself…..

  5. Those Tulum pictures are gorgeous! I’ll been there and have similar ones 🙂

    I went through IVF too…just when the eggs were ready to harvest, my boyfriend decided that, in fact, he didn’t want to become a father. That was 9 years ago…I think it snapped something in my brain that day and … now I don’t let anything much bother me.

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