Apron Strings for Emily

18 May 201028 June 2010

Cherry-Coloured Funk *

It’s after midnight and I’m finding myself in some sort of funk.

Which is sad, because my last posts were all about trying to enjoy the simple things in life; like the unconditional love that a pet can give you.

I am truly and utterly in a funk.

And I hate it.

I’ve (obviously) been trying my best to be optimistic about everything, but lately it seems as if I can’t catch a break. And it’s ridiculous, because it hasn’t even been more than a month since my life turned topsy-turvy.

Maybe it’s because the loss of my job reminds me too much of another loss that I’ve finally came to closure on. Well, as “closed” as it could get anyway.

I’ve always alluded to the fact that my inability to have children of my own, to be a mother has made me feel less of a person. It’s made me that Filipina, who was brought up to think of bringing up her husband’s children is the only purpose in life, feel like I’ve lost any reason to exist in this lifetime.

And once I “resolved” myself to a life withouth children, I naturally gravitated to my career as the next “logical” reason to get out of bed every day.

Which, when you look at the time line of my blog, you’d notice it. Starting back in Autumn of 2008, up to the point where Hubby & I decided to “cut the strings.” Plain as night and day; written in black and white. (Figuratively speaking, that is). And when you see how much I put into this job since moving to Chicago; all the effort I made to making my career … it’s obvious that I found something to fill the void of Motherlessness.

Then suddenly and unexpectedly, I find myself without a job. I find myself without yet another purpose in life.

I find myself struggling with the loss of yet another reason for my existence.

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~

Earlier today, I asked my husband what my purpose in life was.

This was all before I came to the conclusion I did up above; before connecting the dots as to why I’m feeling the same kind of loss for my job as I did for the loss of Motherhood.

Before I realized that I wasn’t quite that crazy for having these negative thoughts; however irrational it may have seemed at the time.

And Hubby’s answer was, “It’s whatever we want it to be.”

In my mind I know that Hubby’s right. And my heart tells me that he’s right for me to think of this as a time of opportunity.

But the empty feeling I have in my gut keeps digging away at my core; struggling to find something out of nothing. And I wish I could make it stop.

Damn … but I was doing so well.

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~

* In case you’re wondering where the title of this post came from, it’s the name of a Cocteau Twins song that completely reflects the mood I’m in. Take a listen to it here … isn’t it hauntingly beautiful?

17 May 201017 May 2010

Wag More, Bark Less

As much as I love sunny days, especially in the midst of Winter or during the last days of Autumn, there is something about overcast days that I love. Particularly when it’s a warm day outside.

It reminds me of our honeymoon to Hawaii in early September. It was still quite warm outside, but there tends to be more chance of a tropical rain. And me lovey my warm summer rain falls.

During that honeymoon trip, a local taught us one of the best weather-telling tips ever. We were told that once the wind starts to pick up, that it’s a tell-tale sign that rain is on its way. And to this day, this tip has proven to be accurate.

Overcast weather is good for another thing … and that’s taking pictures. It’s as if the clouds act as a natural “filter” to enhance the colors around nature. Not that I’m much of a photographer, but I love to take pictures outside during these moments.

In any case … today was one of those days in Detroit. Sunny in the morning; but increasingly overcast as the afternoon rolled on. It hasn’t quite started to rain yet, but that wind is kicking up. So it’s a good thing I picked up our Kozzy-girl from her day at the Spa before it begins to rain.

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I got an email today from the recruiter of one of the two jobs I was interested in. The one in which I’d have a similar role to the one I recently had, with the ability to do it from home. And unfortunately, I did not make the cut to interview with the department.

I can’t tell you how disappointed I am; as I thought I might have had a fighting chance. I mean, any other time I’ve applied and interviewed for a job, I’ve been relatively successful in being able to present myself. I may have not gotten the job, but I felt good about the interview anyway. And this time, I didn’t even get to the interview in order to “sell” myself and my talents.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m being forced to find a new job, but right now I feel as if the world is out to get me; to kick me down when the going gets rough.

Realistically, I should know not to let one rejection affect me so much. And realistically I know that I shouldn’t let one person‘s feelings or vindictiveness get the best of me. Yet, it does … despite how much I try not to.

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~

While running errands this afternoon, Hubby and I stumbled upon a bumper sticker that said “Wag More, Bark Less.” And the mere thought of the meaning behind such a saying made me smile, despite feeling so down.

When I picked up Kozzy this evening, I couldn’t help but witness her lovable demeanor (at least to us); all full of boundless energy and happiness, especially the minute she spotted me. It’s as if she wanted to tell me everything that happened to her during her “Spa Day,” all with the simple wag of her tail and nudge of her head up against my thigh.

Kozzy shows off her "new" look ... For those that asked, she's half-shepherd and (we think) half-beagle or half-labrador

The best I can describe it to someone who might not know what I mean … it would be like an excited 18-month old toddler who can barely speak, run up to his/her “Mommy” or “Daddy” and clutch his/her parent’s thigh tightly while babbling upwards at them incoherently.**

The best part of that moment? Seeing Kozzy’s new “look.” And even though she has never been a frou-frou dog, Kozzy proudly displayed her new fashionista style to me. And once back home, she promptly decided to drop down in the grass and roll on her back to her heart’s content. All without uttering a single bark. All while proudly wagging her tail.

It’s a lesson to be learned; that bumper sticker and my Kozzy moment. I suppose despite the circumstances of what has happened to us over the past month … I should take a page out of Kozzy’s book.

I should wag more. And I should definitely bark less.

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~

** Not that I have first hand experience in that, but I’ve been witness to many moments like that; especially recently.

15 May 201017 May 2010

A Folgers Moment

Hubby & I are back in Michigan for a few days; and I must admit that it’s good to be home. Especially after the past couple of weeks, post-employment.

morningcoffee — Would LOVE this view with my Morning Java ...

I won’t lie. I’ve been completely stressed out over the unemployment issue. Between Hubby not getting paid in a timely manner (despite working non -stop on multiple jobs for the past few weeks) and me not bringing any income … we’ve been up late and night worrying about finances. And my job hunt has been painstakingly slow (well, at least in my eyes anyway).

So being in Michigan … and not having to be back to return on Monday to a non-existent job … has been nice. Minus the multiple loads of laundry we’ve brought back with us and cleaning up around the house we now consider our “home away from the city”, we should be able to relax … even for just a little bit.

We came home yesterday afternoon in time for Tyler’s Confirmation; where Hubby was given the honor of being his Sponsor. Afterward, we spent time at the In-Laws trying to convince Kairi that we were, indeed the same Auntie & Uncle she visited earlier in April. And after dinner, we spent time trying to sharpen Tyler’s Scrabble skills by playing a couple of games. So by the time we arrived back at our house, it was pretty late and it took all of a few moments before the dog was fed and we were in bed for the night.

Hubby & I crashed so hard that when the alarm I set on my phone went off this morning, I picked my phone up and “answered” it. And while I admittedly slept well in our wonderful non-IKEA queen-sized bed … I have to admit that I woke up feeling stressed. It’s as the minute my eyes opened, my mind bypassed neutral and went straight into overdrive.

Yeah. I’m that pitiful.

In any case, after a few moments of tossing and turning in bed I got up to take a very anxious Kozzy out for her morning business. After all, If I couldn’t calm myself down … the least I could do was calm Pacey McPacer down. So I took puppy-girl and headed out our front door. As she did her business next to a couple of bushes on our front lawn, I sat on our porch to take in the morning air. Then Kozzy decided to do the same thing; laying on the grass to bathe in the morning sunshine. It was … the most relaxing moment I’ve had in a looong time.

And because I had to share the moment with my best friend, I went back in and grabbed Hubby. We sat there for a spell, taking in the sights and sounds of a beautiful Sunday morning and absorbing the tranquility of our surrounding. No trains passing by in the distance, no traffic down the street … no taxis honking at the cars in front of them. Other than the sounds of birds chirping and the slight breeze passing by, it was so quiet.

couplesMassage — A Couples Massage would be nice right about now ...

Unfortunately, we had places to be by lunch so we reluctantly went back in. Even Hubby agreed that it was a nice calming moment … saying that the only thing that would make it better is if we could go to the spa and get a massage**. And I couldn’t have agreed with him more!

But wow … what a perfect way to collect our thoughts and start the day. If I could find away to capture that moment and relive it every morning, I totally would. But then I guess this wouldn’t be a moment I’d be able to treasure forever.

I wouldn’t be able to document my own personal “Folgers Moment” …

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** The irony? Our Kozzy-girl is the one with a Spa Day. She gets to go to the groomer tomorrow and get a bath and her nails trimmed … or, as I’ve been calling it, a “Pedi-Pedi”! Is it wrong that I’m jealous?!

13 May 2010

Pacey McPacer *

Dear Mother Nature,

I know you’ve been quite busy lately with natural disasters throughout the world. And I also know you’ve been filming some pretty funny tampon commercials and all. (BTW, you’ve never looked better!) But I was wondering if I could ask you one small favor.

You see, I love lightning and thunderstorms as much as any other person … but the thing is, my poor overly-anxious dog does not. In fact, she despises it.

I don’t so much mind it if the light show and marching band performance happens during the day or even late in the evening. After all, I always love a spectacular and entertaining production, but when it happens in the middle of the night, it’s a whole other display.

Last night / Early this morning was an example of such a presentation. It started out with our poor Kozzy-girl pacing around the apartment about a half hour before the light show even began. And once we heard the click-click of her paws on the hardwood floor quicken, we knew the first wave of thunderstorms wasn’t far away.

When the whining started shortly after the first display of fireworks, Hubby & I knew we were in for a treat. And as each crack-boom began to come closer and closer together; our 14-year old “puppy” would pant as she circled around the apartment faster and faster.

And dear Mother Nature, that’s not such a great thing to hear shortly before 4 o’clock in the morning.

But see, dear Mother Nature … that’s not the worse part of it all. Because Kozzy did eventually calm down; only after I spent an entire hour in our bathroom … the smallest room in the apartment with the brightest light and tiles that don’t click-click as loud as hardwood floors. No, the worse part was that as soon as I got her into her “room” and onto her favorite rug … you decided to have — not one or two — but three encore performances. All of which happened over the next hour … until finally, an exhausted Kozzy fell asleep.

And believe me … had their been more than just the office chair in Kozzy’s room, I probably would have done the same.

Alas, it was shortly before 6 o’clock before Kozzy finally let me leave her room — Hubby’s home office — so I can catch some Zzzz’s. And by that time, the sun had already broken through the clouds.

So Mother Nature … I do love you dearly; and I promise that I will continue to take care of you as best as I can. But could you please please please lay off the thunderstorms in the dead of the night?!

Kozzy, Hubby & I would love you dearly for that. And so would her cat-siblings, Rain & Yami …

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~

* Pacey McPacer is the name we gave our poor Kozzy when she begins to pace around anxiously.

And just so you know that we’re equal opportunity fur-parents, our other pets have similar names, too. There’s Dusty McDuster, the black cat that does not like to be brushed. And there’s Daffy McDeafster, the senior citizen cat that can’t hear … or at least pretends that she can’t!

Our Pacey McPacer ... How can you resist those EARS!

12 May 201013 May 2010

Happy Birthday, Flo!

I know I’m a little late, but Happy Nurses Day to all those esteemed Nurses and Nursing Students and Aides out there.

Yes … I know that last Wednesday was the start of Nurses Week, but if you recall from last year … the actual day for Nurses is on Florence Nightingale’s birthday. And that day is/was today, the 12th of May.

Since usually the first couple weeks in May I use Nurses Week as a distraction for another “holiday” in May, I’m finding it quite ironic that I ended up being okay with Mother’s Day this year.

It’s been a really strange Nurses Week this year for obvious reasons. Seeing that I’m currently not employed, it’s not that I’ve had any reason to celebrate.

I know, I know … I can hear y’all asking why I’m not already employed elsewhere … especially since RN’s are in “high demand” all the time. Well, it’s because of the type of career I’ve chosen with my Nursing Degree.

I could go back to the hospital and be a “Floor Nurse” again; but there are a couple things that have me hesitant to do this. First of all, it’s been well over ten years since I’ve done any type of bedside nursing (unless you count taking care of a sick Hubby … ). And in just that amount of time, the acuity of care that one patient requires has more than quadrupled. I’m pretty sure that I can no longer keep up with the amount of physical and mental work it takes to work in the “war zones.” (And trust me … any given day can be as chaotic as a war zone!)

Besides the lack of physical stamina (and probably knowledge of new technology), the other reason I’m fearful to go back to the floors is because of a previous back injury. While I’m pretty sure I’m perfectly fine with lifting things greater than 50 lbs now, a year after my disk surgery I was limited to lifting no more than 25 lbs. I’m just incredibly terrified that if I do any constant lifting on a daily basis, I will re-injure myself. So yeah, heavy lifting is my other fear.

Instead, I’m looking for jobs that fit my career as an RN Case Manager; something that I’m more versed and comfortable at. And since I’ve had lots of supervisory experience, I’m also looking for things within Case Management where I can utilize those talents as well.

So on my job search, I’ve stumbled on quite a few positions I’m interested. All from the various states that I’ve been looking at. (Uhm, that would be IL, MI, OR and WA.) Surprisingly, I already received two phone calls from West Coast locations … I definitely thought that wouldn’t happen so quickly.

And while Hubby & I would love to jump ship and move straight away to Oregon or Washington … the reality is that we still have a house in Michigan and rent through August in Illinois. So moving to the West Coast now would only put us further behind financially. But the good thing is that I’ve received good contacts and recruiters looking for RN Case Managers in Portland and Seattle … so when we’re ready to move, I’ll have someone to contact.

Then there’s two other positions that have definitely piqued my interest. Both are opportunities that would allow me to be more flexible in where I live. One of them is a leadership role for another health insurance company that would have me supervising a staff of work-at-home employees … the benefit of which means that I could also work from home. A definite plus; especially if we need to move out of Chicago by the time our lease runs out in August.

And since the responsibilities of this job would be similar to what I was previously doing before my early departure from the last company, I’m guessing my learning curve won’t be as severe. (Knock on wood.) I’ve already heard from the Hiring Manager for this position and hope to have an interview scheduled with the actual department that’s hiring soon.

The other opportunity is one that I really really like. It’s one that I had thought about transitioning to do in my previous job back in Michigan, but the opportunity never came up; at least locally. And the reason I was interested in moving over to this career is because it combined my love of clinical knowledge and my love of teaching. So right there were two things that had me automatically applying for the job when I first saw the on-line posting.

The other one that has me wanting this job is the fact that I can pretty much live anywhere I want to, as long as I was close to any major airport. So again, I could work out of Chicago or Michigan … or even Seattle or Portland, once we get out that way. The only downside would be the amount of traveling I’d have to do during the week; but hey … at least I don’t have kids to worry about! (The irony does not escape me.) I’ve also heard back from this company and am hoping for an interview soon.

So please, oh internet buddies … if any of you have a direct line with the Man Upstairs, I’d really appreciate it if you could put a good word in for me. Because this second (going on third) week of unemployment is starting to get old.