This is but a short post in the midst of chaos that has been both fun and work this past week. I promise a better post in the upcoming days; especially as National Infertility Awareness Week commences on April 24th.
But today … well, today is Earth Day. And with all the recent natural disasters that have been occurring more and more frequently, I believe that Mother Nature is trying to tell something.
Okay, maybe the earthquakes and volcano eruptions are more of a wake-up call to those who aren’t already thinking green … But for those that already are? Well, it’s a reminder that we should constantly be thinking of our planet and what we can do to make it better.
So remember … at least today of all days … Think Green and Act Green.
Happy Earth Day to you, Mother Nature …
And to the rest of us who inhabit this world.
When moving to Chicago last year, Hubby & I ended up buying a full-size bed mattress and frame from IKEA. The thought was that I was going to use it as my bed until Hubby officially moved from our home in Suburban Detroit in April of last year. Then we’d move our queen-sized bed from Michigan and move the IKEA bed into our guest room.
Now it’s April of this year, and Hubby & I are still using that full-sized bed . That’s because we never did end up moving that bed … yet, anyway. And let me tell you, I’m sorely missing our thick, plush queen-sized mattress.
Not that the IKEA mattress isn’t comfortable. Let’s just say that the bed frame is just a little … lopsided.
To explain this more, if you’ve ever owned an IKEA bed, you’ll know that instead of having a box-spring mattress, they use a slatted bed base. Depending on how soft or firm you want the mattress to feel, you can choose from a variety of different slatted bed bases.
Now, for us … the slatted bed base wasn’t the problem. The problem lies in (no pun intended … kinda) how the slats fit into the particular bed frame we chose. Which was on sale, by the way. (That should have been our clue … ) Let’s just say that the longer you sleep on the bed, the more the slats start to slip downward off the frame of the bed on one side or the other. And well, that just makes for an uneven sleeping surface.
No matter how many times we’ve fixed the bed, over a period of time it starts to become lopsided once more. And now … well let’s just say that both sides of the bed have slipped off the frame; one side on the upper right and the other side on the lower left. Thank G*d for the midbeam; otherwise the mattress would have sunk down completely!
Obviously the cats found some balance in the bed!
Anyway … the other day, Hubby and I were talking about our sleeping experience with this bed … which, despite the nuisance of being lopsided, is actually quite comfortable. As I was getting ready to turn in for the night, I asked him when he’d be coming into bed. His response was, “Soon.”
“Good,” I told him. “Because when you’re there, I feel more balanced.”
And then we looked at each other and grinned; knowing full well that I meant that literally and figuratively.
I am so happy that today is Thursday because this means I only have one more day to deal with work.
As predicted, I came back to the office with more fires than I could possibly put out in one day. Never mind the fact that after our house guests left yesterday afternoon, I already signed on to my work emails just to play a little catch-up before physically returning today. And never mind that today should have really been spent at our monthly leadership class.
So yeah … the dedicated employee in me thought it best that I stay in my cubicle today and work diligently at putting out fires. And the dedicated employee in me will return again tomorrow to do the same thing again.
One of the things I dealt with today was the frustration that some of my staff members voiced over issues that have been ongoing since the beginning of the year. And while I understand their frustration and have often allowed them more than enough time to yammer on about how unreasonable they feel certain things are … there are some days (like today, for instance) that it’s just not the right time to go on and on about these things.
Now before I hear about how I shouldn’t let them complain about the way things are and that I, as their direct supervisor, should just demand that they do what I tell them to do (after all, they’re getting paid to do this work, right?) … That’s just not who I am.
I am not a dictator and I am not a micro-manager. I have always been someone that has sought to find some sort of win-win solution amongst all parties. I figure it’s better to get an employee to “buy in” to a new process, a new way of thinking rather than “force” them to do something that they don’t understand or don’t think makes any sense.
Kitty Cat Rain, hiding from a curious toddler!
So yeah … I would rather hear their frustration. As long as it comes with some sort of idea for a solution. And besides … I’d rather have them “complain” in front of me rather than go off in a huddled mass and let the bitterness and negativity fester around me.
While admittedly taking this time with my staff takes a lot of energy out of me, it does reap some great rewards. The number one reward is that my staff trusts me; and it’s because during these “wailing” sessions, I’m always adamant about being as honest and truthful as I can be about any given situation. And of course, the other reward is that they are more than willing to help me or the rest of their teammates out in a pinch.
Today, amidst all of the chaos at work, I managed to experience one of these rewards … one that actually took me by suprise in the form of one of my most pessimistic employee.
While originally she did come by my cubicle to talk about an issue that was bothering her … an issue that resulted in an answer that I knew wasn’t one she’d like … she suprised me by saying, “Well, I guess I’m meant to experience these types of situations over and over again until I learn how to deal with it properly.”
Wow … I was literally floored by her statement. And completely amazed by how much growth she’s experienced in the year that I’ve known her. Because a year ago, I’m pretty darn sure she would have stormed off in anger and let it fester for ever and ever and ever. But instead, she accepted it as if she knew it was something that was beyond her control … and that the only thing she could control was how she could react to it.
Tyler was *SO* excited to ride the CTA
Which then lead into another discussion about how there are certain things in life that are beyond our control. And that the trick to being “okay” with situations (rather than angry or sad) is to realize what we can and can’t control about the situation … how we can react, whether to expend energy on something that may prove to be futile anyway, etc.
So after this incredible conversation I had with my team member, I took a moment to reflect exactly what she had said to me. And how it reflected in my own life; particularly on how I’ve dealt with my infertility.
What I came up with was this:
Obviously during my journey to Hubby & my decision to finally live child-free after infertility I’ve ran into many “challenges,” many pregnancy or adoption announcements, many invitations to children’s birthday parties. And sadly, I’ve even faced one of the hardest challenges that life can indirectly throw my way. But even then I obviously hadn’t learned the lesson I was meant to get out of these challenges.
It wasn’t until I learned to give up that anger that I had felt for so long that I began to feel a little sense of calm. And as I slowly came out of the sadness and depression that followed the anger, I truly was able to open myself up to more than just grief.
And what opened up was this incredible opportunity to literally step away from the world where most of my grief took place. Once I gave up that feeling of having to “control” … or rather, brace myself from the grief of my infertility, I began to feel “okay”with myself … okay with the fact that I had no control over my body.
But what I did have control over was exactly how I could react to these situations. And what I did have control over was what path I could take next.
My new favorite picture of my niece & nephew!
Having been in my new world for over a year now, I can finally look back and know that Hubby & I have taken the path that feels most suitable for us … given that we couldn’t have children of our own.
So the lesson I learned today from my employee? The one that usually tends to be the most distrustful and discouraging? I’ve learned that even though you can try to force control over certain situations like trying to have children (and all that comes with an infertile trying to become pregnant or trying to adopt**), the best course of action is to simply trust in yourself and learn how best to deal with it.
** Easier said than done, I know. But I’m living proof that you can still be infertile and learn how to “Just Relax.” It’s taken me 13-plus years; but I think I’m actually at peace with my infertility.
I found I was generally apt to do good deeds without thinking twice.
And not take any “credit” for it.
Because taking “credit” or having the “spotlight” for doing something nice is not something I’ve ever felt comfortable with.
So writing about something that would otherwise come natural to me seemed forced.
As if I was “bragging” about myself.
Which brings me back to that Eighth Grade version of me.
But I love the concept about “paying it forward.”
So next year, I think I’ll do the same thing … but just not write about it.
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Last one. Which feels good …
Good Deed of the Day: For lack of better words, I saved my manager’s butt today. In other words, I discovered something that, if went undiscovered would have caused a major upheaval in this new “project” we’d been working on. Not that I expect to receive any “credit” for it (see #7 above), I just feel good knowing that this little boo-boo has now been fixed.
Grateful Thought of the Day: Days off … especially since I’m off for the next couple days. Woo-hoo! This means I can spend some quality time with my niece and nephew while they’re in town! Of course, this also means that there will be tons of work for me when I return … <sigh>
No, I don’t mean to belittle Catholicism; because I know that today is the most important Holy Day in the Catholic Faith. And, like Christmas, I do understand the “reason for the season.” I dorealize that both are more than just holidays that brings out “fictional” characters (like a Bunny who “lays” eggs or a jolly rotund man dressed up in a red suit** ) that bring about candy and gifts.
What I mean to say is that Easter has become one of those holidays like Christmas and Mother’s/Father’s Day that, to an infertile couple, can be a difficult one. It’s a reminder of what we currently don’t have in our lives; the children who enjoy the wonderment of Easter and the joy that hopefully all parents have when they see the look in their kids eyes. It’s a reminder of all the new life that Springs brings into the world.
Perhaps some infertile couples go on to having children naturally or through other assistive measures. Others have braved the waters and opened their homes and hearts to adopt children. And then there are those that have taken the less explored road of living child-free.
While I can relate very much to those couples that are currently experiencing infertility; I find it more and more difficult to relate to those infertile couples that have crossed over to parenthood.
Please don’t get me wrong … I’m incredibly happy that those who have “survived” infertility have gone on to live their dreams of having a family. And I’m proud of the strength that they continue to have as they raise their children after all the struggles they went through to have them.
For those couples that have decided to live child-free, it wasn’t a decision that came lightly. It wasn’t something that came to us as if to say, “Well, we’ve already been living child-free; so why shake things up now?” And it’s certainly not a decision that we made based on selfishness.
Hubby & Me as Easter Eggs
No … it’s a decision that came after a long struggling road of peaks and valleys; of unnerving anxiety and unwanted stress. And when there was simply not enough energy, not enough finances; not enough miracles left from up above … the only option was to pick up the pieces of the already shattered dream and start a new life.
So perhaps this Easter; the first year that Hubby & I have officially decided to live child-free … it will be this Easter in which we celebrate the next phase in our marriage; we’ll begin our new life.
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Happy Easter to all of you out in Blogland! I hope that this Easter brings about a New Life in all of you. And now for the second to last Lenten Daily for the season.
Daily Good Deed: What better way to celebrate the arrival of my niece and nephew this evening by putting together a couple of Easter baskets? Nothing fancy, but a little something to let them know that they are loved by their Uncle & Auntie.
Daily Grateful Thought: We spent Easter afternoon with our friend T who invited us over to celebrate Easter with his mom and brother at his brother’s place in Evanston. Oh … and did I forget to tell you that T’s brother is a Jesuit priest?! Yes … we had an absolutely delightful time and am so grateful for such a wonderful Easter celebration. More importantly, I’m still so grateful for old friends.
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** Which, by the way …did you know that the North Magnetic Pole is currently located in Canada? Guess that means Santa Claus is Canadian.
