Infertility – Page 14 – Apron Strings for Emily

10 April 201011 April 2010

Thoughts on Adoption

Today, an article appeared on the New York Times regarding Russia’s decision to suspend adoptions to the U.S.

The reason that Russia called for a halt on all adoptions of Russian children by Americans, in my opinion, was justified. I do believe that there needs to be further investigation from both sides of the ocean (or Bering Strait, I suppose).

As one half of an infertile couple, who at one time seriously considered adoption as a method to start our family, what this adoptive mother did was simply outrageous. And furthermore, her actions have now affected any other potential adoptive parent who have invested much time, money and emotions in adopting a Russian child. This woman effectively shattered many dreams of many people.

Simply put, this breaks my heart.

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Speaking of dreams … During our engagement, Hubby & I had multiple discussions about how our future would be. We dreamed of owning a house big enough for at least 4 kids with a yard big enough for the dog we would own. We dreamed about how great our careers would be and how we would somehow manage to balance work life and home life.

And we dreamed about how incredible it would be to raise our children; how we would help our children find that balance between being American and being Filipino. We would make sure that they could be proud about their heritage and still be able to embrace the environment in which they lived.

darth tyler — Tyler at the Lego Store in Downtown Chicago

After all, Hubby and I were half- and first-generation** Filipino-Americans. We knew, first hand, the struggles of growing up with half our feet steeped in Filipino traditions and the other half finding a way to assimilate into the Western culture. This was especially evident when we were teenagers growing up in the ’80’s.

I mean seriously … Hubby & I have joked around about how we learned about typical American Teenager behavior from watching John Hughes (RIP … ) movies. In reality, that’s actually not that far from the truth.

But I digress.

Another one of our dreams as an engaged couple looking towards our bright future had always been about adoption. Yes … adoption.

We had always dreamed about opening our hearts and home to other children who might not have been given the same love and opportunities and life that we had. Specifically we looked into adopting internationally, because we wanted to help a child with transitioning into the American culture much like we had while growing up. We wanted these children to embrace their new environment while being proud of where they were born. Much like we were.*** Err … rather are.

However, in that foggy crystal ball version of our future, adoption was something that Hubby & I planned to do after we had children of our own. After we were able to produce offspring that contained both of our DNA.

Kairi loves her Big Brother — Kairi loves her big brother ...

Call us selfish, but we just really wanted to see our genetic traits in a biological child and then be able to raise a child through adoption. This child might not share the same genes as us, but would share the same love and warmth and upbringing as our biological children. And for me personally, it was a chance for me to see Nature vs. Nurture at its best.

Unfortunately we never did get to see that nature part. At all. And if I was a strong enough person, I might have been able to see the nurture part. At least with raising a child.

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I applaud anyone who has sought to adopt as a means to start or add to their family.

It takes an incredibly strong and capable person to be able to put themselves through all the rules and regulations and investigations into your private lives just to raise a child that is not biologically your own. I know this from reading other IFer’s blogs about adoption and from talking to adoptive parents about their own experiences. From going to adoption agencies to gather information on our own.

Reading about Russia today also reminds me about other countries such as China and Guatemala that have also placed restrictions on potential adoptive parents from the U.S. And it’s because I know how long most of these individuals have been waiting for their chance to raise an internationally adopted child. For those who have faced infertility, it’s the chance to raise any child.

And if I had enough strength, adopting internationally would have been my chance in passing a little bit of myself … that bit about being proud of my heritage while embracing the uncharted territories of being a first-generation immigrant … to my adoptive child.

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** Hubby was born in the Philippines and migrated to the U.S. at the age of five; effectively making him a “half-generation” immigrant. Of course, depending on what version of immigrant generations you go with, Hubby & I can be seen as 1.5- and second-generation immigrants. At least that’s what Wiki says … )

*** Well … okay, so I was born in the U.S. … but hopefully you understand what I mean.

08 April 201001 May 2010

How To Deal

I am so happy that today is Thursday because this means I only have one more day to deal with work.

As predicted, I came back to the office with more fires than I could possibly put out in one day. Never mind the fact that after our house guests left yesterday afternoon, I already signed on to my work emails just to play a little catch-up before physically returning today. And never mind that today should have really been spent at our monthly leadership class.

So yeah … the dedicated employee in me thought it best that I stay in my cubicle today and work diligently at putting out fires. And the dedicated employee in me will return again tomorrow to do the same thing again.

One of the things I dealt with today was the frustration that some of my staff members voiced over issues that have been ongoing since the beginning of the year. And while I understand their frustration and have often allowed them more than enough time to yammer on about how unreasonable they feel certain things are … there are some days (like today, for instance) that it’s just not the right time to go on and on about these things.

Now before I hear about how I shouldn’t let them complain about the way things are and that I, as their direct supervisor, should just demand that they do what I tell them to do (after all, they’re getting paid to do this work, right?) … That’s just not who I am.

I am not a dictator and I am not a micro-manager. I have always been someone that has sought to find some sort of win-win solution amongst all parties. I figure it’s better to get an employee to “buy in” to a new process, a new way of thinking rather than “force” them to do something that they don’t understand or don’t think makes any sense.

Kitty Cat Rain, hiding from a curious toddler!

So yeah … I would rather hear their frustration. As long as it comes with some sort of idea for a solution. And besides … I’d rather have them “complain” in front of me rather than go off in a huddled mass and let the bitterness and negativity fester around me.

While admittedly taking this time with my staff takes a lot of energy out of me, it does reap some great rewards. The number one reward is that my staff trusts me; and it’s because during these “wailing” sessions, I’m always adamant about being as honest and truthful as I can be about any given situation. And of course, the other reward is that they are more than willing to help me or the rest of their teammates out in a pinch.

Today, amidst all of the chaos at work, I managed to experience one of these rewards … one that actually took me by suprise in the form of one of my most pessimistic employee.

While originally she did come by my cubicle to talk about an issue that was bothering her … an issue that resulted in an answer that I knew wasn’t one she’d like … she suprised me by saying, “Well, I guess I’m meant to experience these types of situations over and over again until I learn how to deal with it properly.”

Wow … I was literally floored by her statement. And completely amazed by how much growth she’s experienced in the year that I’ve known her. Because a year ago, I’m pretty darn sure she would have stormed off in anger and let it fester for ever and ever and ever. But instead, she accepted it as if she knew it was something that was beyond her control … and that the only thing she could control was how she could react to it.

Which then lead into another discussion about how there are certain things in life that are beyond our control. And that the trick to being “okay” with situations (rather than angry or sad) is to realize what we can and can’t control about the situation … how we can react, whether to expend energy on something that may prove to be futile anyway, etc.

So after this incredible conversation I had with my team member, I took a moment to reflect exactly what she had said to me. And how it reflected in my own life; particularly on how I’ve dealt with my infertility.

What I came up with was this:

Obviously during my journey to Hubby & my decision to finally live child-free after infertility I’ve ran into many “challenges,” many pregnancy or adoption announcements, many invitations to children’s birthday parties. And sadly, I’ve even faced one of the hardest challenges that life can indirectly throw my way. But even then I obviously hadn’t learned the lesson I was meant to get out of these challenges.

It wasn’t until I learned to give up that anger that I had felt for so long that I began to feel a little sense of calm. And as I slowly came out of the sadness and depression that followed the anger, I truly was able to open myself up to more than just grief.

And what opened up was this incredible opportunity to literally step away from the world where most of my grief took place. Once I gave up that feeling of having to “control” … or rather, brace myself from the grief of my infertility, I began to feel “okay”with myself … okay with the fact that I had no control over my body.

But what I did have control over was exactly how I could react to these situations. And what I did have control over was what path I could take next.

My new favorite picture of my niece & nephew!

Having been in my new world for over a year now, I can finally look back and know that Hubby & I have taken the path that feels most suitable for us … given that we couldn’t have children of our own.

So the lesson I learned today from my employee? The one that usually tends to be the most distrustful and discouraging? I’ve learned that even though you can try to force control over certain situations like trying to have children (and all that comes with an infertile trying to become pregnant or trying to adopt**), the best course of action is to simply trust in yourself and learn how best to deal with it.

** Easier said than done, I know. But I’m living proof that you can still be infertile and learn how to “Just Relax.” It’s taken me 13-plus years; but I think I’m actually at peace with my infertility.

04 April 201005 April 2010

My New Life Eggsamined

Easter is another one of those holidays.

No, I don’t mean to belittle Catholicism; because I know that today is the most important Holy Day in the Catholic Faith. And, like Christmas, I do understand the “reason for the season.” I do realize that both are more than just holidays that brings out “fictional” characters (like a Bunny who “lays” eggs or a jolly rotund man dressed up in a red suit** ) that bring about candy and gifts.

What I mean to say is that Easter has become one of those holidays like Christmas and Mother’s/Father’s Day that, to an infertile couple, can be a difficult one. It’s a reminder of what we currently don’t have in our lives; the children who enjoy the wonderment of Easter and the joy that hopefully all parents have when they see the look in their kids eyes. It’s a reminder of all the new life that Springs brings into the world.

Perhaps some infertile couples go on to having children naturally or through other assistive measures. Others have braved the waters and opened their homes and hearts to adopt children. And then there are those that have taken the less explored road of living child-free.

While I can relate very much to those couples that are currently experiencing infertility; I find it more and more difficult to relate to those infertile couples that have crossed over to parenthood.

Please don’t get me wrong … I’m incredibly happy that those who have “survived” infertility have gone on to live their dreams of having a family. And I’m proud of the strength that they continue to have as they raise their children after all the struggles they went through to have them.

For those couples that have decided to live child-free, it wasn’t a decision that came lightly. It wasn’t something that came to us as if to say, “Well, we’ve already been living child-free; so why shake things up now?” And it’s certainly not a decision that we made based on selfishness.

No … it’s a decision that came after a long struggling road of peaks and valleys; of unnerving anxiety and unwanted stress. And when there was simply not enough energy, not enough finances; not enough miracles left from up above … the only option was to pick up the pieces of the already shattered dream and start a new life.

So perhaps this Easter; the first year that Hubby & I have officially decided to live child-free … it will be this Easter in which we celebrate the next phase in our marriage; we’ll begin our new life.

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Happy Easter to all of you out in Blogland! I hope that this Easter brings about a New Life in all of you. And now for the second to last Lenten Daily for the season.

Daily Good Deed: What better way to celebrate the arrival of my niece and nephew this evening by putting together a couple of Easter baskets? Nothing fancy, but a little something to let them know that they are loved by their Uncle & Auntie.

Daily Grateful Thought: We spent Easter afternoon with our friend T who invited us over to celebrate Easter with his mom and brother at his brother’s place in Evanston. Oh … and did I forget to tell you that T’s brother is a Jesuit priest?! Yes … we had an absolutely delightful time and am so grateful for such a wonderful Easter celebration. More importantly, I’m still so grateful for old friends.

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** Which, by the way …did you know that the North Magnetic Pole is currently located in Canada? Guess that means Santa Claus is Canadian.

03 April 201005 April 2010

Plum Tuckered Out

Ugh. This is the third to the last post before I finish up my Lenten promise. And I must say that I’m struggling to find the energy to write something rather creative.

Maybe I’m just exhausted today. After all, Hubby & I spent most of the day doing some major Spring cleaning. Afterwards, we headed out to run some errands and then grab a bite to eat before heading home. And now, Hubby & I are chilling out in front of the TV watching all those shows we DVR’ed over the past week.

Yesterday I got my lab test results back from my doctor. Other than being slightly anemic, everything else was normal. Even my thyroid levels. So that means that I am a lazy a$$ person who would rather do nothing more than work and sleep. And other than taking some over-the-counter iron supplements, I was told that the combination of my low Hgb level and my lack of ability to stay asleep was the reason for my chronic fatigue.

To which I say “Hmmph!”

Okay, so it’s not that I don’t doubt my Doc. It’s more that after all the years of dealing with infertility and needing to be able to “read” my body that I know something’s just not right here. I know that this ongoing fatigue is more than just anxiety and stress. I know it’s more than just the fact that I find myself tired even when I wake up after what I felt was a good night’s sleep.

For awhile I thought it was seasonal affective disorder. And I even thought that it was that same depression I felt for so long during the worst part of my infertility journey. But because I’m still on the appropriate treatment regimen for that, I’m pretty sure that this is not the case.

So I decided to do the next best thing; go see a specialist. After a couple of recommendations from both friends and fellow coworkers, I have a few Endocrinologist names in which to make an appointment with. I figure it’s worth a shot to do a little more exploration …

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Getting down to the wire here …

Good Deed of the Day: Does spending a couple minutes talking to a strange guy at the grocery store count? Even if it was really him doing all the talking about how cool he liked my “Made In Detroit” jacket?

Grateful Thought of the Day: Does being asked for ID when purchasing alcohol at the grocery store count as something I should be thankful for? Especially when I left said ID in the car? I had to convince the cashier that Hubby & I were married and that it was him (Hubby, who was bagging our own groceries) that was buying it. Either way, the cashier made me feel young; even if it was just for a moment.

30 March 201030 March 2010

Effed-Up Signals

I’ve gone and done it. Finally.

That’s right, peeps. Stubborn Emily finally broke down and saw her primary doc today. Not for just the common cold or flu bug; no … I saw her because I’ve been feeling craptastic for the past five months or so. Specifically, I’ve been feeling fatigued.

Now, normally I’d chalk it up to stress and anxiety. After all, my current career path has certainly given me enough gastric reflux. And well, i fully admit that I’m prone to over-analyze and freak myself out over things I can’t control.

But this fatigue is just downright … exhausting; for lack of better words.

I mean, I can’t even wake up from my alarm clock until close to an hour afer it went off!

And even though I want to blame it on the fact that I just can’t stay asleep, I don’t think that’s the case. Because when I do have the ability to stay asleep and/or sleep in, I still wake up with the same fatigue.

This is what makes me think it has something to do with my body. And specifically with my endocrine system; my metabolic system. And given that I have a history of PCOS also which affects my pituitary, I’m thinking that this could be closely related to my body’s ability to produce adequate thyroid hormones. Which could consequently cause hypothyroidism.

Without going too much into pathophysiology, if the thyroid doesn’t produce enough thyroid hormones (T3 and T4) which help to control a person’s metabolism, then the pituitary sends signals to the adrenal glands to produce TSH; a hormone that “stimulates” the thyroid to make more T3 and T4.

How do I associate PCOS with hypothyroidism? Well, it has to do with the pituitary gland. In a woman’s reproductive cycle, the pituitary gland is responsible for producing the Lutenizing Hormone (LH), which sends a signal to the ovaries to mature and release an egg to be fertilized. In PCOS, the pituitary gland gets its signals mixed up and secretes too much LH. Which can, in turn cause the ovaries to secrete more than usual amounts of testosterone in a woman’s body … which then can create a situation of the inability to have regular menstrual cycles. In addition, the higher amounts of LH can also cause a lack of ovulation on the ovaries’ part. In turn, the pituitary gland continues to secrete LH, thinking that the ovaries still haven’t “done their job.”

SO … Because of how the pituitary relates to my PCOS, I’m also wondering if it has a part in the fatigue I’ve been feeling; which is one of the big symptoms of hypothyroidism. Perhaps my pitiuary is also getting its signals crossed with the secretion of TSH for my thyroid as well as with LH for my ovaries.

Which brings me to the reason why I went to my Doc. I told her about my fatigue and my concerns about my PCOS possibly contibuting to it … And, as expected, she ordered the specific lab tests to see if my T3/T4 and TSH are out of whack. She ALSO gave me a prescription for a sleeping pill; as she seems to think may also be contributing to my fatigue. <– Hmmph!

So we’ll see … and if I am right about having hypothyroidism, this may ALSO explain the ridges on my finger nails and the increased loss of hair I’ve recently been experiencing.

If not, then I guess my fatigue has nothing to do with my metabolism. Which would mean that I’m just a lazy-a$$ person who just doesn’t want to do anything more but work and sleep.

I hope I’m right about the hypothyroidism …

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Six more days! Until then, here’s my Daily Lenten exercise:

Good Deed Du jour: I actually “made” someone’s day today. At least that’s what the lab tech told me when I complimented her on a pain-free poke to my arm when she drew my blood. Apparently the previous patients were not happy with her technique. So when I told her that I’d been poked enough times during my active (but failed) baby-making yearsand that she was supberb … Well, I made her day!

Grateful Thought Du jour: Health Insurance. Glad I currently have it; glad that the rest of the country will, too.