Category: First Gen Asian-American

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The One Where Emily Gives a History Lesson

Roadtrips, Internment, and Vandalism, Oh My!
Part Two in my ongoing series about Asian Americans
(Part One begins here)

It’s funny about history. When we look back, we can recognize that many historical events occurred during times of uncertainty and fear. Most wars have been based on anger, hatred, and (let’s face it) ideas or goals are different and that one feels that their own is important. It’s based on fear of the unknown; the uncertainty of what may happen next. Take, for example, the Japanese Internment camps.

On our 2017 West Coast Road Trip, Hubby & I planned a stop at the Minidoka National Site in Jerome, ID on the drive home. We both wanted to understand why this country would take Japanese Americans away their homes and businesses for the “safety of America.” Why this country would force them into remote areas that were not suitable for doing anything else but farm. Why did they fear that all Japanese were spies for Japan?

While walking around the site, we saw one of the tar paper-covered barracks where these Japanese Americans lived. Each barrack was divided into small rooms where an entire family (sometimes as large as 8) were expected to sleep and eat.

As Minidoka was hastily constructed and incomplete, many of these barracks would fall apart.  The type of wood used to construct the barracks shrank over time, bringing about structural imbalance which could cause them to shift or sink. The tar paper easily ripped apart, leaving some with no privacy. 

We saw what the internees’ daily life would entail. Providing unpaid labor to complete the camp under the military commander’s order is one example. They also learned to farm in order to provide sustenance for themselves is another example. For entertainment (and only in the warmer months), they would play baseball on a field that they made. Imagine having to build your own prison and then farm for your meals. While I can never experience what they went through, I was so angry that a “civilized” nation would do this to their own citizens.

After the war, these Japanese Americans were “released.” Yet since they had been forced to vacate their homes and abandon their lives (within two weeks or less) prior to being incarcerated, they had no longer had a “home.” Despite being given a small stipend to “restart” their lives, most found their homes occupied, their businesses taken over. For that reason, many of these internees wished to stay on the land.

These Japanese Americans knew that their jobs were taken and they would face discrimination when trying to find a new job or start a business. Many of them knew nothing outside the camp as they were interned at a young age. They never knew what life was like outside the camp. Most of these younger Japanese Americans only knew how to farm potatoes (they were in Idaho, after all), so they saw purchasing the land that they lived on as an opportunity to “reset” their lives. Yet, despite the request to purchase the land, they were never even given the opportunity to bid for it. Instead, the US Federal Government allotted the land for white WWII vets.

Much of Minidoka is now bereft. All but two tar paper-covered barracks remain, but the guard towers, and most of the barbed-wire fences are now gone. Today, this land is considered a part of the National Parks Service and is registered as a  National Historic Site.

Every time I reflect back on that visit, I also remember that day in grade school where we learned about the European concentration camps. I remember being told that over 6 million persons of Jewish descent were forced to uproot their lives and placed in those camps. And how close to 2 million had died in one simply because of who they were and could not change. I remember how horrified my entire class was to learn that this happened before and during WWII. And how it’s been considered a taboo topic, yet everyone throughout the world acknowledges that that it happened. [i]

(And before I say what I’m going to say, let me be very explicit that I – by no means – am comparing these events with one another. Nor am I trying to undermine what happened in Europe. My hope is that you continue reading with an open mind.)

I find it interesting that more Americans remember what happened in Europe. And I realize that talking about Japanese Internment Camps are also a taboo subject. I just find it – what’s the word – disheartening that, to this day, many Americans don’t know about these camps [ii] nor do they acknowledge (or want to acknowledge) that America also disrupted the lives of its own residents because of something they cannot change.

Take a moment to reflect on that. And then, even though it’s taboo, talk about it. Educate others. Read more about it. This, to me would be one way of acknowledging that Minidoka and the 10 other Japanese Internment camps existed. And point out that we, as US citizens essentially did the same to Japanese Americans that Germany did (albeit, much more extensively) in Europe.

Our next trip out west will be a stop in Seattle. [iii] We want to see the Bainbridge Island Japanese American Exclusion Memorial; a city where most of the Japanese Americans from Washington, Oregon, and Northern California, were sent to prior to being shuttled by bus (with the shades pulled down) or train to Minidoka. We want to learn more about this period of American History that hasn’t been readily taught in schools.

On that same trip, Hubby & I made a side trip to visit the Little Manila Center in Stockton, CA. On the drive out west, we heard news about vandalism to the front entrance of the Center. Words like “whittie” and “bigotted” were scrawled onto the windows (later to be to be interpreted as “white property, you’re a brainwashed bigot”).

Included in the vandalism were display banners, which were put up to celebrate Filipino American History Month. What was more damaging was the loss of donated photographs from a time in history where Stockton was the largest Filipino community in the United States. Though many viewed this as a hate crime, ultimately local authority ruled it simply as an “act of vandalism,” which is a felony charge if damages exceeded $400. [iv] No one was ever caught.

When we arrived, we were greeted by the Co-founder and Executive Director of Little Manila Rising, Dillon Delvo. Despite being in the midst of a group Zoom meeting, Dillon was gracious enough to provide us with a one-on-one tour of the Center and stories behind many of the artifacts displayed. He painted a vivid picture about the lives of Filipinos in 1920-1960’s Stockton that I will never forget.

For instance, did you know that Filipinos were the first to set foot in what would eventually be Morro Bay, CA 33 years before Pilgrims from England arrived at Plymouth Rock? Mind you, they came over as low-paying servants of a Spanish fleet trying to establish a trade route from Cebu, Philippines to Acapulco, Mexico. This landing happened on October 18, 1587 which is why October is known as Filipino American History Month throughout the US.

More importantly was the story of how downtown Stockton came to be known as Little Manila. In the 1920’s and 30’s, Stockton became a popular destination for young, single, Filipino men who came to be referred as “manongs” [v] who migrated to the area for promises of a job as a farm labor and a good wage.  These men came to the US in order to establish a better life for their family back home. Unfortunately, the wages were cheap and the labor was, at times, unbearable under the California sun.

Due to “laws” that only allowed Filipino men to immigrate, [vi] there were no Filipina women in the area. Stockton became a central place for other manongs to reconnect with friends from the same province. Filipino shops lined the streets to help them feel at home. Many of them would come to drink the bars and gamble at gambling dens, spending what little wage they earned. Many of them had a room in the Filipino Federation Building and stayed there until they were able to find (and afford) their own place.

At the Filipino Federation Building they often held social events with dancing and singing. Many of the local white women would attend these dances, as the Filipinos in Stockton were good dancers. Obviously, this made other non-Filipino men angry, claiming that it was against the law and forbade any Stockton women to go to Little Manila or be seen with a Filipino. From there, local places in the city began hanging up signs stating, “No Filipinos Allowed.”

Looking back at this time period, the Anti-Filipino sentiment likely stemmed from the lack of job opportunities during the Dust Bowl era and the Great Depression. Migrant workers feared that the Filipinos, known for their hard work ethics, were stealing their jobs. Aggression from white nativists in this time period was plentiful for all non-white persons, which produced fear that Filipinos were taking over the land that the believed was rightfully theirs. [vii]

The first recorded incident of violence against Filipinos in the US happened on New Year’s Eve 1926, where “Eight whites and Filipinos were stabbed and beaten when white men entered Little Manila’s hotels and pool halls.” They were, according to news reports, “looking for Filipinos to attack.”

On January 29, 1930, a white mob bombed the Filipino Federation Building.  Local papers wrote about how “whites in an automobile hurled a bomb into the building, blowing the façade clear across the street and throwing occupants of the club from their beds.”

Incidents as those happened quite readily (one reported that a group of 22 white men spent 5 days looking for Filipinos to shoot) until WWII when Filipino Military and Filipino Americans who signed up for duty suddenly became allies by fighting alongside in battles. Yet, despite being “allies,” Filipinos and other Asian immigrants were deemed “inferior” to the whites. That sentiment still applies today; and the violence to Asians & Asian Americans of late is proof that this remains an issue.

Here’s another little-known fact: Did you know that Filipino Americans in California led the way in unionization efforts amongst ALL immigrant farm workers in the 1930s and 40s? In fact, Larry Itliong, a Filipino union leader was the driving force behind the famous Delano Grape Strike, yet Cesar Chavez is the one that was given credit for starting the strike.

In fact, Filipino farm workers were the first to walk off the grape fields establishing this famous strike. Other ethnic farm workers did not join as they were afraid of retribution from the owners. Itliong then appealed to Chavez & his fellow Mexican laborers and other ethnicities to join the strike. Unfortunately, Chavez became the face of the Delano Grape Strike and Itliong’s important role was overshadowed. [viii]

There’s not much left of the original Little Manila. In the 1950s and 1960s, large sections of Little Manila were bulldozed by the city to “improve” the look of the downtown area. There are no streets named after Itliong; [ix] though there are for Cesar Chavez throughout the country. Other than a street post with a sign to mark a historic site, there is no real evidence of Little Manila in Stockton. The space in which the largest number of Filipino Americans lived was replaced by a freeway, displacing many Filipino homes and establishments.

  • Little Manila - Stockton, CA

In fact, before hearing about the vandalism in Stockton on our road trip out west, we were already informed that Little Manila Rising was trying to save the last large lot of what was Little Manila. Unfortunately, they were not successful and a McDonald’s restaurant replaced the once historic site.

Most recently the Rizal Social Club succumbed to demolition. Little Manila Rising were first notified about the city’s plan to bulldoze the building down in mid-July of 2020. The demolition was scheduled for the end of that month, despite ongoing talks within the City Council. Advocates for Little Manila managed to get an extension into the end of August, but the cost of repairing the damage to the building would have left them with no funds to keep the Little Manila Center open. On October 22, 2020 the Rizal Social Club building was torn down.

I’m sharing all these examples because it’s important everyone knows that America has a long history of marginalizing other ethnicities. From the beginnings of colonizing North America, through the Great Depression. From the Delano Grape Strike to removing Filipino American history by destroying important landmarks. This can be said of every Asian ethnicity.

In fact, many Chinatowns, Koreatowns, et al had been destroyed over the years with the guise of “improving the city.” Detroit’s original Chinatown had been demolished in the 60’s to make way for the Fisher Freeway. Currently the majority of the former Chinatown is now the MGM Casino.

Instead, the City moved Detroit’s Chinatown further northeast to the Cass Corridor. This left Chinese American residents without a home and a job. Anyone who has driven through the Cass Corridor in the mid-80’s to the 2000’s knows that it was not a very welcoming neighborhood. Although Wayne State University [x] is just blocks away and Woodward Avenue just one block east, not many Asian Americans of my generation and on had ever been interested in touring the area, simply because we were too young to remember what Detroit’s Chinatown may have looked like.

Today, Cass Corridor has been “revived.” Restaurants and bars have opened up in the area. New condo buildings replaced older homes & businesses in disrepair. There is even a frickin’ Whole Foods Market just a block away from Cass Ave. Yet there is little to show that this used to be Detroit’s 2nd Chinatown; mainly because all the Chinese Americans left.

After visiting Stockton and Minidoka, I do believe that “beautifying” the land / city, is one of the many ways that try to erase parts of white American History that we “don’t like” or even remember. The point of American History is to remember these types of circumstances; even more so, understand the context behind these events. And talk / write / debate about these events. If we fail to remember or even speak about it, then that history will disappear. That is certainly what’s occurring today, as many fail to remember (or refuse to learn about) these events and the circumstances behind them. As the quote says, “Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it.”

Our previous president’s is a prime example of someone that refuses to understand context, or that actions all have circumstances. During the 2020 Presidential campaigns and in response to the New York Times’ (NYT) 1619 Project, he blatantly announced (at the National Archives Museum, of all places) that the current history lessons being taught in our schools are “toxic propaganda.”

On November 2, 2020 (on the day of the 2020 Presidential Election), Trump established by Executive Order the “1776 Commission. He threatened to cut federal funding to schools that teach the 1619 Project and/or use of the Critical Race Theory. He also indicated that funding for the schools that fail to instill “patriotic education” in their curriculum will also be cut.

This 1776 Commission’s goal was to end what Trump called the “radicalized view of American history” in which Trump claimed was an attack on our Founders. In true Trump fashion, he hand-picked the 18-person group, none of which are an American Historian by profession. Then two days prior to the end of Trump’s term, the 1776 Commission released their report. 

Hours after the inauguration of our current president, an executive order was issued dissolving the 1776 Commission.

So that’s my history lesson; my way to talk about these tragic events. I write about it because it’s necessary to look at history and all of its actions & consequences to these occasions so we can learn from our mistakes, let alone repeat it over and over.

(More to come in Part 3)

[i] It’s funny (but not) that I happened to stumble on this article while writing

[ii] Mostly because the Gen-Y & Millennials no longer had family that can remember certain event, as the numbers of The Greatest Generation are dwindling. Many don’t even know the names of the Jewish concentration camps, let alone any of the Japanese internment camps

[iii] And, let’s face is … a mini car ride to Lake View Cemetery to pay our respects to Bruce Lee.

[iv] Estimated cost of damage for this act of vandalism was approximately $800. Anything lower than $400 is considered an act of graffiti and is only a misdemeanor; while vandalism is considered a felony.

[v] Manong loosely translates to older brother or uncle

[vi] These local laws were established under the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882 and the Immigration Act of 1924

[vii] Which, IMHO, is a joke since – well, besides the Native Americans, Filipinos were the first to step on US soil in Morro Bay.

[viii] Have you heard of Larry Itliong street anywhere? Neither have I; however, I do see a lot of Cesar Chavez streets in some – okay, most major cities.

[ix] He does have a school, a bridge and a day named after him, though!

[x] Interesting fact; Wayne State’s Walter Reuther Library has the original Larry Itliong papers

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The One Where Emily Hates the Term “Oriental”

Don’t mistake me for a rug, or lamp, or china doll for that matter
Part One in my ongoing series about Asian Americans

I’ve had these thoughts in my head for a while now. And to be honest, I’ve wanted to write them into one cohesive “thought” since I was in my early 20’s. With the recent events in Atlanta and throughout the entire US; now seemed to be the right time to sort all those thoughts and write them down and share it with you.

I warn you now, I have a LOT to say. Rest-assured, I will separate these thoughts into a series of posts. Perhaps, so as to be overwhelmed with what I’m writing. Because I really hope you read the following posts and learn something from them. And perhaps share what you learned with your family & friends.

I’ve overheard people talk about how they do not think the violence against Asian Americans is real. Or they believe that, based on our ethnic culture, we don’t “mind” that such actions happen. But what you see and read in the media today about such hate crimes are absolutely true. As a First Generation Asian-American (well, technically Pacific Islander), I do believe that we (AAPI – Asians and Pacific Islanders) tend to feel that “disconnect” in life-experiences more acutely; we tend to feel torn between two cultures. We tend to say that we live two different lives.

It’s tough having to blend both our AAPI and American cultures together. This is why you’ll constantly hear that immigrants & 1st Gen Asian Americans feel like they live in two different “worlds.” Each culture has a way of doing things, getting the job done. There’s my Filipino heritage; one that has many customs that has been passed down from generation to generation. These things I learned from my parents and aunts & uncles who had grown up in the Philippines.

However, with the American culture, I simply learned along the way. At school there was maybe one or two Asian American kids other than me and my brother. I discovered that my classmates and teachers would routinely perform actions or say phrases that I had never heard or seen before, leaving me bewildered. Yet these same behaviors were normal to them. Growing up with our Filipino family & friends, I felt comfortable enough to ask questions and learn more about my Filipino culture. In contrast, I was afraid to ask questions about “normal” American behavior for fear of being judged. To solve that, I would simply observe my classmates and teachers to determine what they considered as run-of-the-mill everyday stuff. And of course, watching TV shows; I wouldn’t have known that porkchops went well with applesauce until Peter Brady said so. Growing up this way, I felt torn between the differences in culture. It often felt as if I was being torn apart and pulled in two separate directions. And somehow, I had to find a way to cope with this.

That said, my experience (as well as other Filipino friends / family), there is usually that ONE event in our lives (despite our parents’ warnings) where we acutely recognize how different we look from our classmates, and it becomes blatantly clear that we are seen differently in their eyes. I believe that this learned behavior is passed on from parent to child. And I also believe that this behavior usually rears its head when my teachers, classmates and co-workers, when feel that we pose a “threat” to them. But more of that later. I promise.

I’ve shared some of them in previous post, but the one that REALLY opened my eyes was my first summer job.[i] I’ve shared the story before in other posts, but here’s the gist of it. At 14, I was hired at a fast food joint because I wanted to make some extra spending money. I figured it couldn’t be too hard to work a register and take orders. But that’s not what I was assigned. At first it was washing dishes in the back. Then it was being put on the food line, all while other “new hires” got to work the registers and take orders. I had a gut feeling it was because management didn’t want customers to see me.

Needless to say, I lasted 3 months at that place and refused to work there again the next summer. Though I left that situation, I regret not having said something to that manager. Or even the assistant manager, who recognized what was going on.

Growing up in the 80’s, I was labeled every kind of Asian celebrity out there; from Margaret Cho to Ming Na Wen (in her Joy Luck Club days, not the Agents of SHEILD days). Later it would become Sandra Oh or Lucy Lui. Any other person out there may have thought it was a compliment to be compared to beautiful actresses. For me, those “compliments” felt as if I was just viewed as an object in non-Asian persons’ eyes.

Which brings me to the next issue: Being called “Oriental.” IMHO, I think that being called “Oriental” feels as if I were an object or a property to be owned; a vase, a rug, a style of decor for example. I feel this way for two reasons:

    1. That term lumps every Asian Ethnicity into one group, when — as of the 2010 US Census data (2020 still not available), there are close to 30 different Asian cultures around the world.
    2. It’s rude. Seriously, would any other subgroup like German Americans or Italian Americans like it to be lumped as European? Yes, the term “Asian” does the same, but Oriental makes it sound as if I was from a distant land in the East where so many luxurious items could be taken back to the US. Things like jade, gold, porcelain, mah jong (ii). And also, not ALL Asians are in the “East.” There’s a reason that Pacific Islanders are added to the mix, as there are other countries / ethnicities west of Hawaii (the Philippines being one of them).

Yes, I realize the term “Asian” does the same thing. However, being called but Oriental makes it sound as if I was from a distant, came from Eastern World where so many luxurious items could be taken back to the US. Things like jade, gold, porcelain, mah jong. [ii] And also, not ALL Asians are in the “East.” There’s a reason that Pacific Islanders are added to the mix, as there are other countries / ethnicities west of Hawaii (the Philippines being one of them).

I’ve taken many people by surprise when saying that I don’t like the term “Oriental.” By no means do I believe that using the word “Asian” is JUST a “politically correct” term for “Oriental.” I truly believe that if you are going to label a person by ethnicity or race, then get your terms (or even just the correct country) right.

As an RN, I’ve taken care of every age group including WWII and Vietnam / Korean War Vets. [iii] While I’m conscious that “Oriental” was the term they previously used; but, if my Mom can (for the most part) use her iPhone to send emails, chat or even look at the FB app, then I would think that someone can learn how to keep up with other changes in society.

And, oh BTW — did you know that in 2016 a federal law was passed to remove any mention of the word “Oriental” in any federal document? [iv]

(more in Part II)

[i] Well technically it was babysitting. I’m still amazed how parents were confident in me to leave their child(ren) in my care! 

[ii] Yes, I know mah jong has been the go-to Asian game (especially when betting is involved) for all Asian ethnicities. Also the mah jong you see as a pesky ad while mindlessly playing games on your phone … that’s not the mah jong that Asians play.

[iii] Interesting anecdote: WW2 vets either despised me or loved to share stories about their time in Asia. Vietnam / Korean vets; however, tended to be more angry and very suspicious (of which I can empathize).

[iv] That is the same law that was passed to strike the term “Negro” in all federal document

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An Open Letter to the Other 50%

Dear People who, four years ago, told us that we should “get over it” and believe that the 2020 election was rigged,

Let me first start off by saying that you now need to eat your own words. An election that has been validated multiple times by various highly respected people / groups … one that has been brought to multiple State Supreme Courts and dismissed was NOT stolen by ANYONE.

I’ll also add that 50% of the voters in the 2016 election did NOT want this incumbent president to represent our nation in the first place. We may have not liked the results, but as good citizens and stewards to our country, we respectfully accepted the results and carried on.

As a Republic Democracy for 245 years (this July), the US has provided its citizens the right to choose their own representatives; ones that will take to Washington DC (and the world) the wants and needs of its constituents. It was one of the core values of our Founding Fathers, and through a democratic process, the US Constitution has added amendments (15 & 19, in fact) to secure the rights for ALL citizens of the United States, whether by race or by gender.

The example you have displayed at the Capitol Building today is completely void of Democracy. In fact, you have interfered in the voting process. This means you have actively defied our Constitution; our moral value as a nation.

You follow the words of a person who aims to make (or keep) America great again; the same person who has stoked the fires of anger & hate for his & his family’s own gain, and incited his followers to protest this 245-year-old voting process. You have stormed the Capitol Building, disgracing our Democracy by taking selfies of yourself smiling while sitting on our US Senators’ desk.

You have disrespectfully walked on the Senate & House floors, pretending to be the Senate / House speakers (yes, I’m talking about you, Arizona QAnon Viking Man).

You have walked around our Capitol in Militia uniforms, also taking selfies in the Capitol Building’s Rotunda.

You have waved many a flag of a nation that has not existed in over 150 years.

You hung an effin’ noose in front of the Capitol Building.

May I ask … is THIS what you think will make America great again? Because, quite frankly … despite our economy and the poor COVID pandemic response, I never thought America had EVER lost being great.

Greatness is in how you handle crisis. Greatness is subscribing to the needs of your audience, whether you agree with them or not. Greatness is how you lead others through the difficult times. Greatness is about the art of compromise.

Greatness is NOT selfish or narcissistic. Greatness isn’t someone who wantonly disregards public opinion. Greatness doesn’t trade science for conspiracy theories or unproven facts. Greatness is NOT a person who strives to divide people, in the name his own personal values. Greatness is not “Me.”

Greatness is “Us.”

A great person should be smart enough to know that leading a Democracy requires the assistance of those who also strive to be the best for themselves and — more importantly, others. Greatness is understanding the concept of Teamwork, rather than subscribing to the practice of autocracy.

Greatness, as a leader in our Government, is a person who wholeheartedly believes in the Constitution & the Bill of Rights / Amendments. Greatness is maintaining what works for our government now. Greatness is updating (as needed) and securing our government … OUR nation for the future.

Greatness is honoring a pledge you have made for our country & flag; one that believes that our Republic is “One Nation under God,* indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for ALL.”

Our nation remains great and will continue to be so as long as we BELIEVE it will. Democracy requires diligence in maintaining these documents and pledges. Democracy requires respecting others, our land, and our government. Democracy requires the ability to compromise.

Despite what you think, your actions today are very much NOT “American.” Unfortunately, your display today has likely solidified what the rest of the world generally thinks of a “typical American:” selfish, brash, and loud. (Yes I’ve been watching too much “Emily in Paris.”)

You may have thought your demonstration outside (and, well inside) the Capitol was a given right in our Constitution; that you were entitled to the “Freedom of Speech.” However, when you actually read the first Bill of Right, it addresses the right to assemble PEACEFULLY.

It stopped being peaceful the minute you stormed the Capitol Building, disrupting our government from upholding the Constitution that they pledged to protect.

What you’ve really done is make a mockery of our government. **

For those of you that went to grade school with me, you’ll recall our 5th grade teacher, Mr. K. who was also our social studies / history teacher. He was SO very proud to be an American, and never failed to remind us that the United States was the best country in the world. Being of feeble 11 years of age, I didn’t fully grasp the importance of the “Cold War” which he always referred to when making such statements. However, what I did grasp was him constantly saying, “If you don’t like it here in America, then you can leave.”

While I have been pretty outspoken about my political beliefs over the past 4 years (well, actually more than 12, but who’s counting?), it may come as a surprise that I still love it here in the US. ***

I’ve been afforded opportunities that I may not have experienced if my parents return to the Philippines, if my parents didn’t utilize those unalienable rights afforded by being a US Citizen.

I’ve been given a stellar education. And despite my gripes about my previous employers, I probably wouldn’t have had the opportunity to get as far as I have in my career.

I owe all of these opportunities – well, first of all, to my parents, but also for the ability and freedom to better myself in this nation. I don’t take for granted the freedoms we have. I believe the purpose of a three-branch government is important to keep the checks and balances in line. I don’t take issues of race, gender, or identity inequality (or any inequality, for that matter) lightly.

I believe that our democracy should a government of the people, by the people, and for the people.

Frankly, what you have done today has sorely disappointed *this* citizen of the United States. Yet your action have not dampened the pride that I have for this country.

In fact I remain ever hopeful that this is but a dark time in our Democratic nation and that “We the People of the United States” will continue to “form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, ensure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity.”

Those were the words of our Founding Fathers. Live them. Breathe them. Respect them.

With sincere respect,
A Proud Asian-American Daughter of the United States

(Off soapbox. Peace out!)


* Yes, I realize that there is much controversy surrounding the addition of religion into our Pledge of Allegiance.

** By “government” I’m *not* referring to a specific person or persons; I’m referring to its entity as a WHOLE

*** Despite seriously considering moving to New Zealand, but the pandemic foiled that plan. D’oh!

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Secrets of an Infertile

The first time I ever took a home pregnancy test (HPT) was on the morning of first wedding anniversary. Hubby & I had only recently decided that we were ready to start the next phase in our lives together. Plus, Aunt Flo had been missing for over a week by then, so I figured it was time.

I won’t lie … I also thought that the prospect of presenting positive “pee stick” as an anniversary gift would have made our first wedding anniversary together all that more memorable.

But when the test came back negative, I threw the stick away and climbed back into bed to cuddle with Hubby who was still sound asleep. And yes, I was disappointed … but at that time in our lives, Infertility was just a distant diagnosis, which was … in no way, related to me.

I’ve never told anyone this story before because until today, it wasn’t something that I considered very relevant to my life as an “Infertile.”

Hubby had been privy to this story, because later that day he happened upon the open HPT package in the trash and wondered why I took one. But otherwise, no one else in our lives had a clue that we were even “actively trying” at the time.

It was something that Hubby & I, as a young married couple, wanted to keep to ourselves.

*****

It’s only natural that most couples wish to keep their decisions on family-planning a secret. Okay … maybe not so much a secret, but more of a discussion that happens strictly between the couple.

After all, it really should be no one’s business to know what’s going on in a couple’s sex life. Right?

But what happens when love and marriage don’t automatically lead to the proverbial baby carriage? And what if months — nay, years go by without having anything to show but a garbage full of negative pregnancy test?

What if you had spent thousands of dollars for an infertility diagnosis and work-up? And then turned around and spent even more money on trying to “fix” the medical problems so that you could produce a biological child of your own?

Should a couple still keep their family-building plans and the infertility diagnosis a secret?

What if you and your spouse had to continuously be poked by various needles and prodded by various health professionals, month after month, just to determine when the optimal time was to reproduce? To go home and have a romp in the bedroom (stress-free, of course)? To collect a man specimen in the comfort of a sterile clinic? To have to sit nice and pretty in those G*d-awful stirrups? Only to be disappointed month after month …

Would it still be inappropriate for a couple to talk about how infertility has affected their lives?

What if you or your spouse were done pursuing the medical route of infertility and decided to adopt? What if you spent an additional thousands of dollars in order to be scrutinized by adoption agencies, local and federal government officials? Just so these agencies can determine if you were “worthy” enough to be parents?

What if the Birth Mom/Family decided to change their minds at the last minute? Or what if the country you decided to pursue an international adoption decided to close their doors on all adoptions?

Would now be a good time to talk to loved ones about infertility?

And finally, what if you and your spouse thoughtfully and thoroughly considered all your other options to build your family … and after years of disappointment and heartache, decided that living child-free was your best path in life?

Would it be okay for the couple to comfortably discuss this decision with any random stranger who asks if the couple has any kids?

These are difficult questions to answer. I know; as I’ve had to dissect each individual question with a fine-tooth comb. I’ve had to determine how each answer would affect the rest of my life and my relationships with those I’ve felt close to at one time or another.

The truth is, each person … each couple and/or the family & friends that are affected by this couple’s infertility … will have different answers. That’s because each person’s journey through infertility can be different than the person standing next to him or her. Even if they were sitting next to each other at an Infertility Specialist’s office.

*****

I find it sad that society deems “family-building” discussions as a private issue amongst infertile couples.

Huh?! WTF ...

Okay, let me reword that last statement: I find it disappointing that society deems “family building” discussions as inappropriate when it comes to Infertility.

While I do think that there are certain discussions and decisions that should be left private amongst the infertile couple, I do think that other conversations should be okay to discuss with other people … other family members and friends and other infertile couples.

Because if anything, Infertiles can be the worse when it comes to openly talking about their experiences and emotions when it comes to building their family.

There’s an article in SELF Magazine’s August issue that outlines this exact issue.

This article (aptly titled “This Woman Has A Secret”) found that a recent survey indicates that 61% of infertility patients hide their struggle to get pregnant from friends and family.

And seeing that 1 in 8 American couples experience infertility … well, yeah. That’s a lot of people that aren’t talking about the heady emotions that can be associated with the inability to reproduce.

Along with those questions I previously posed, other common concerns that an infertile couple can experience include the fear that their life will be eternally empty. Or the sense that the couple is damaged or broken.

Both amplify the shame already incurred by the couple; as they likely feel different from being different than other “normally reproducing” family and friends.

Both make the couple more embarrassed to talk about these struggles and associated emotions with their loved ones.

*****

It’s a difficult thing … wanting to talk about a person’s (or couple’s) individual journey through infertility. It’s ten-times more difficult, given the shame that’s associated with infertility.

As the SELF article points out, it gets even more exhausting when an infertile couple:

… become slaves of their monthly cycle; often unable to leave town even for a weekend getaway due to daily monitoring for hormone levels and egg counts. When month after month a couple fails to get pregnant, their lives stall and the question of whether or not their family will expand looms over decisions about the car they buy, the house they live in, the clothes they purchase.

And this, along with many other reasons, is why many infertile couples choose to keep their “family-building” struggles a secret. Why they continue with the facade that “family-building” discussions should remain personal, as society dictates.

*****

After years of keeping my struggle a secret … of burying the emotions I’ve felt for so long … I believe that it is extremely important to talk about these issues. And I think it’s important for an individual to find their own outlet or support systems.

Hubby & I became "shadows" of our former self ...

But first and foremost, I think it’s very important to keep an open communication with your Spouse/SO. Because if there is anyone else who should know what you’re going through, it should be the person who is traveling down the infertility journey with you.

For Hubby & I, it’s a path that we took together, hand-in-hand. We made it a point to talk about each of our concerns openly and honestly (yes, even the scary parts) so that we knew where we both were at emotionally. And if one person was even slightly ahead of the other person, we’d make an effort to “wait” until both of us were both “on board” before making any major decisions. There was no pushing or prodding; there was patience and understanding that both of us dealt with our issues in very unique manners.

If anything … that was my saving grace in our journey together. Hubby was my rock — my torch, so to speak, lighting my way through the darkness. And I hope that he can say the same thing for me as well.

*****

As for other support systems outside of the couple … It’s difficult to find support out there. I know; I’ve tried.

I’ve sought support amongst my loved ones; my friends. But it’s honestly hard for them to completely understand what it’s like, unless they’re walking in your shoes, your path.

But after years (and years) of dealing with Infertility, I’ve finally learned to turn this experience around by educating others about my journey. And I did this by debunking statements (like “just relax”) and myths (like “just adopt and you’ll get pregnant”) whenever they would surface in those inevitable conversations.

This is because I believe that the more an Infertile person openly discusses their experiences, the more that the general population will understand and learn to empathize with the Infertility community.

I hope that this is a lesson that other Infertile couples can learn from my own experience: Talk openly about it now, so that others can be more empathetic to the Infertility path.

*****

I’ve also tried to find support in an Infertility Support Group.

For me, that was not my cup of tea. My experience mimicked how another person in the SELF article so aptly stated, “Everyone gets up and tells their success stories. Infertility treatment isn’t always about success.”

But … that may not be the case for every support group. So please … you should still seek out an Infertility support group before passing any judgment. It just may just be the perfect outlet for you.

*****

Finally, (and only after a major catastrophic life event) I tried some individual counseling. And that planted the seed that allowed me to talk about my Infertility and the emotions that came with those struggles.

My advice for an Infertile person trying to find the right therapist? Talk to your Infertility Specialist and ask for a recommendation. If you’re not currently seeing a specialist; call one in your area and ask. Chances are, the Front Desk staff or the RN in the office will be more than willing to give you a recommendation. If not, check out RESOLVE’s website for a list of professionals in the area.

*****

Again, huh?!

There’s one more outlet for support that I want to point out. And this outlet, I must say, has been the most therapeutic for me.

After much encouragement from my therapist, I sought out support from online communities. I started out by reading message boards and eventually sought out personal blogs. From there, I stumbled onto Mel’s list and found an entire blogosphere of people that I suddenly felt I could relate to.

Suddenly I wanted to share my story. I wanted others to know what *I* had gone through in my journey. And, because there wasn’t enough representation from the Asian-American/Filipino-American community, I wanted to let those Infertile individuals/couples know that they weren’t alone.

And, as the Asian-American culture typically simultaneously praises Motherhood and yet frowns upon discussions leading up to Motherhood, *I* wanted to have an outlet for where I can point other family members and friends to read when the inevitable, “What? You don’t want kids?” questions came up.

The support I’ve received from the three years I’ve now been writing on this blog have been overwhelming. Not only have I met the most incredible people who get me (and understand my wacky sense of humor), but I’ve found support in old friends and family that I might never have found any other way.

So yes … if anything, I encourage writing a blog as an outlet for your Infertility issues. I encourage you to write about your struggles, your emotions … your biggest fears and worst nightmares and post it for the world to see. I encourage you to be honest, as well.

But most importantly, I encourage advertising it to your friends and family. Because we all know that keeping secrets from your loved ones (whether big or small) can ultimately be frustrating and tiring for all involved.

So why not let the secret out?

*****

I write this to let other Infertile couples know that they do not have to suffer through these struggles alone.

I write this to encourage other Infertiles to talk about their experiences to others.

And I write this to ensure that those now-parents – those who suffered through Infertility on their way to parenthood – continue to share their struggles of Infertility … regardless of how busy their lives may be, now that they have children.**

I write this to make sure that Infertility no longer remains a secret.

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Related Posts:

A brief history of Emily’s Infertility Journey

When Emily decided enough was enough

Why Emily blogs for Infertile Asian/Filipino-Americans

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** This was the only beef I had about the SELF article. For all that it said about the importance of “letting the secret out,” the last sentence in the article is what soured me the most:

Working behind the scenes [of supporting the Infertility community] is one option, but [Lisa] says, ‘I’m sure my volunteer efforts will be for schools or parks. Once I have twins, I’ll have a lot less free time.”

Hindsight is always 20/20 ...

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Everything Is Kung Fu

When Dr. Bro was about 12 years old, he took up Tae Kwon Do. Part of it was to learn self-defense; another reason was to gain confidence. I’d watch his classes from time to time; fascinated by the discipline needed to practice this martial art.

Of course, a year after he started practicing Tae Kwon Do, the original “Karate Kid” movie came out. It was definitely a movie that both of us had wanted to see. Dr. Bro, because of the reference to learning martial arts. And me, because I wanted to see Ralph Macchio again after seeing him in “The Outsiders“. Of course, both of us just loved the film; as did every 10-14 year old that saw the film with us. It was quite evident, especially during the scenes during the tournament, when every kid cheered for Daniel Larusso to win.

This past Friday, Hubby & I went to an early evening show at the movies; something we haven’t done in awhile since finding myself unemployed. And of course we went to see the new version the “Karate Kid” … not only because we wanted to see how Jackie Chan could fill the role of Pat Morita, but because we were wanted to see how the story would translate now that it was set in China. We were not disappointed.

I must warn you, if you’re looking for a completely different spin on the original movie, you won’t find it here. The story line, from the cute classmate to the bully, down to the some of the sayings “Strike first! Strike hard! No mercy!” are the same. Except with this version, there seems to be some sort of twist to each element we see in the original film.

The first (and obvious) twist to the story is that instead of being taught Karate, Jaden Smith’s character (Dre) is taught Kung Fu. So, as a good friend pointed out … why not call it “The Kung Fu Kid” instead? Well, after a little research I did manage to find out that the film is, indeed called “The Kung Fu Kid” internationally.**

Another twist is in how Mr. Han (Jackie Chan) teaches martial arts to Dre. In the original movie, Mr. Miyagi’s method of teaching Karate ranges from from waxing a car to painting a fence.  This version does not have Dre being Mr. Han’s chore boy. Nope … instead, Mr Han teaches Kung Fu by having Dre take his jacket on and off.

I admit that when initially seeing the whole “Jacket On/Jacket Off” technique (as opposed “Wax On/Wax Off”),  it appeared pretty lame, for lack of better words. But when put into context with the rest of the film, this method of teaching not only taught Dre Kung Fu, but it end up teaching him about respect.

Being a first generation Asian-American, that is the aspect of the film that spoke to me most. It was watching a kid from the new “Western World” try to integrate his life in the old “Eastern World.” There are many moments where we see Dre  act like a typical American teenager; brash and arrogant, unaware of his surroundings. This attitude obviously would not be acceptable in China where tradition and elders (as evident by the multiple scenes  of senior citizens exercising) are revered.

Mr. Han does an excellent job, albeit reluctantly, teaching Dre about the importance of respect in the Eastern World. He does it in the method in which he trains Dre in Kung Fu; because as Mr. Han says:

Kung Fu is in everything we do. It’s in the way we put on a jacket. It’s in how we treat people. Everything is Kung Fu.

In other words (or at least what I get out of it), if you respect everybody … everything in your surroundings … you, too could be a master of Kung Fu. You, too would be able to find balance between mind and body.

What I hope that most kids (and let’s face it, adults as well) get out of this movie is that there needs to be respect for everything; that we must treat people with the same respect that we would want in return. Whether it has to do with other cultures or religions … or with Mother Nature and our own planet … we should find that balance within ourselves.

When reaching the last few minutes in the movie, I couldn’t help but cheer Dre on as he moved through the tournament. And that last scene … otherwise known as “the crane kick” in the original movie? Well, listening to those 10-14 year old kids around us clap and cheer … it reminded me of that day, some 26 years ago, when Dr. Bro and I watched the original.

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** And while I was at it, I managed to find that there was actually a Philippine TV show called “Kung Fu Kids“. Hmm … talk about coming around full circle!