Emily – Page 70 – Apron Strings for Emily

11 April 2009

The Inexplicable Feeling of Loss

I fully admit it. I’m addicted to watching certain tween shows. HSM? Loved it … have such a crush on Z.ac Ef.ron that just seem so …. wrong. (But then I think of D.emi and As.hton and go, “Hmmm ….”) Li.zzie McGu.ire (especially the movie)? Yep, like that too. So it was no surprise to Hubby when I told him I wanted to see Ha.nnah Mon.tana: The Movie. (Hey, what can I say? Being the music chick I was even at an early age, I always “wished” I could be a Rock Star!)

So today we headed off to the movie theatre and sat amongst many a grade school/middle school girls with their friends/parents and watched the movie. And even Hubby had to admit it …. that it was actually quite good. And “good” as in not a glorified Hollywood version of the TV show. That was most likely due to the fact that the movie was set primarily in Tennessee (now whether it was actually filmed there, I don’t know).

For those of you that don’t know the story behind Ha.nnah Mon.tana, the show is based on the life of Mi.ley Stewa.rt, a teenager (Mi.ley Cy.rus) from Crowley Corners, TN who moves with her father, Rob.by Ray (Bi.lly Ray Cy.rus) and older brother to Malibu, CA to follow her rising career in music. In order to to live a “normal” teenager’s life outside of the music business, Miley and her father develop her alter-ego, Ha.nnah Mon.tana, to be her Rock Star persona. Trying to keep a duel-life prompts hilarity, a-la-Disney Channel style.

The movie was definitely a change in pace from the TV series in that Mi.ley returns “home” to Tennessee for a father-ordered “Ha.nnah” rehab. And it is, in general, the story of a teenager trying to find her true self amongst the pressures of being pulled in fifty zillion directions. And yes … I’m totally a sucker for those kind of movies. (Hellooo … “Pretty In Pink” anyone? “Some Kind of Wonderful”?!) So if anyone loves those types of plots … I totally recommend it to you. Yes, it has its cheesy moment, but it’s at the very least … rental-worthy.

The point of this post really was not to do a film review of this movie. After all, even though I write about a variety of different topics here, this blog is still primarily about dealing with my inability to have children. It’s a blog about loss.

So what does “Ha.nnah Mon.tana” have to do about loss? Well first of all, let’s talk about the fact that we were surrounded by leagues of tweens and even more 6-9 year old girls. And let’s talk about the moms that they were with. As I looked around, I saw that many of the women taking their kids to see the movie were right around my age. Which would have probably made them anywhere between 22 to 30 years of age when they had their kids. And seeing their interactions with these girls … well, yeah … why shouldn’t it break my heart just a little? After all, this is what I would have done for my girl if I ever had one. I would have let them dress up in all their “Ha.nnah Mon.tana” clothes and let them “pretend” to be a Rock Star. I would have stood in line early at the theatre to try to get the best seats in the house (dead center of the theatre). I would have asked them to invite their best friend along. I would have done all that, if that was something that they really wanted. And if I ever had the daughter to do this for.

But alas, that isn’t the case. And therefore it’s Hubby and I that sat at the end of the row, discussing how that dad or Grandpa (along with Hubby, himself) was a wonderful man to endure sitting through a movie just for their daughter/granddaughter. And how we would totally do these things for our kids just because we loved them.

The second part that got to me were the various parts of the movie where Mi.ley talks about her mom (played in flashbacks in the TV show by Bro.oke Shi.elds). Su.san Stewa.rt apparently died three years before the series began. (Not in real life; just the show. Mi.ley Cy.rus’ mom is still alive.) And it’s those moments when she reflects as to whether or not her mom would be proud of her if she were still alive … those were the moments that had me unexpectedly bawling my eyes out.

At first I couldn’t understand why it was that I was dropping those crocodile-sized tears. To a Tweener Movie, nonetheless. But then I reflected on what happened to me yesterday at work when my manager (who was off that day) called me in regards to an email she wanted me to send. She apparently noticed something in my voice because she asked me what was wrong. That took me by surprise as I didn’t realize I sounded anything different than how I normally was. So when she asked, I told her about my Grandma Rose … and then I suddenly felt my eyes swelling up with tears. Totally unexpected because I thought my waterworks were otherwise under control; but apparently not. And that’s when she told me to go home; to take the time to mourn. To use my bereavement time that I was entitled for.

At first I resisted; saying that the funeral was in the Philippines. I mean, it’s not like I was going to actually be attending a funeral service/mass. Plus, I figured that as long as I kept myself busy I wouldn’t think about how sad I actually was. But apparently, that’s not what Grandma Rose wanted me to do. Because no sooner than I had told my manager I was going to stay until the end of the day … we received the news that the department would be closing early for the day. So I took that as a sign to use my bereavement time for this coming Monday.

In any case, this inexplicable feeling of loss … this sadness I have over the passing of Grandma Rose … is something I know I’m going to have a hard time getting over. Even now as I type this, I’m starting to well up in tears again. There are moments, like sitting at the local Borders and reading magazines, when I’m perfectly fine and happy. And then there are these moments when all I want to do is cry over the loss of my Grandma.

: In 1973, Grandma was awarded a plaque for 43 years of service with the Bureau of Public Schools (another pic “borrowed” from yet another cousin!)

The irony of this all is that this feeling of loss … well, it’s the same loss I felt (or rather, still feel) over the many months of negative pregnancy tests, the failed IVF attempt … and even the loss of my one frozen embryo that we “let go” one year after that IVF cycle. It’s this sadness that’s so difficult to explain … to write down into words. Whether it’s the loss of the ability to create or sustain life, or the loss of a well-lived life … it’s still the loss of life.

And as evidenced by today’s reaction to seeing mom’s around the same age as I am taking their kids to the movies … I still have those days (five years after IVF) where that feeling of loss surrounding my infertility are still very potent and strong. But there are also those days where I can take it in stride.

The same thing, I know, will happen with my feelings over the loss of my Grandma. There will be those days where all I think are the happy moments I had with her and how incredibly full her life was. But there will also be those days … like today … where all I can feel is that inexplicable feeling of loss.

And this … this is yet another lesson I’ve learned from my experienced with infertility. And yet another lesson that my Grandma (who remained a schoolteacher up until her 80’s ) has taught me in life.

Thank you for that one last lesson, Grandma Rose.

09 April 2009

A Rose is a Rose

I know many of my IRL friends know this, but my given name is a variation of both of my Grandmothers’ names. My first name is my Dad’s mom, and my “first” middle name* is my Mom’s mom. Coincidentally it is also my Mom’s name, as she was named after her mom.

With that said, both my Mom and Grandmother’s name is a variation of the name Rose. And therefore, my official name on my birth certificate is listed as Emily Rose.

This middle name; the given name of my Grandma is something that bonds all the female cousins on my Mom’s side of the family. Every single one of us has some variation of the name “Rose” in our name. It’s something that I’ve always thought was wonderful to share … and at the same time, wonderful to feel such a strong connection to our Grandmother.

Why am I telling you this? It’s because tonight I received the dreaded news that I’ve been expecting for the past two and a half weeks.

Yes, tonight (or rather Friday morning in the Philippines), heaven received another angel. My Grandma Rose passed away.

While I’m happy that she is no longer suffering**, I can’t help but be incredibly sad. And while it’s been literally years since I’ve last seen her face-to-face, I am going to miss knowing she is here on this earth with me.

Because regardless of where she was in this world, I always seemed to sense her presence around me; guiding me like she did when I was a baby and then a toddler. Singing songs with me as I learned my alphabet other important things (after all, she was always the consummate teacher her entire life). Slipping me candy treats from her purse whenever Mom wasn’t looking.

I know she will be watching over me up their in the heavens. And I know that she will continue to guide me throughout my life. But it still doesn’t stop me from shedding these tears. And feeling as if my world is a little less joyful. At least for now.

This is Grandma Rose at 99 years old ... the picture was taken by one of my cousins. Isn't she beautiful? — This is Grandma Rose at 99 years old. The picture was taken by one of my cousins earlier this year. Isn't she absolutely beautiful?

I love you, Grandma and I will miss you. Please say hi to Grandpa for me … and to all our other family members who have gone ahead of me. I am happy that you are finally resting peacefully …

*****

And THANK YOU to everyone out there who has said prayers for my family. I strongly believe that it was all of your thoughts and prayers that allowed me to “speak” to my Grandma last night (Thursday morning in the Philippines) for the very last time.

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~

* Filipinos have a weird thing about names. With me, my parents wanted to name me after both grandmothers so they provided me with TWO middle names; my maternal grandmother’s name (Rose) and, as tradition dictates, my Mom’s maiden name.

** In my Grandma’s case, “suffering” refers to the fact that she most likely suffered a major stroke, leaving her with little ability to move … let alone communicate. And as my Grandma always had a fondness for words and conversation, I know that she was probably in extreme distress about not being able to talk.

09 April 2009

Clean Feat

Today is considered a “Holy Day” in the Catholic faith. It’s the Thursday before Easter; the day before Good Friday. For those that are not familiar with it’s significance, Holy Thursday is more or less the day that Catholics celebrate “The Last Supper.” It’s the day in which Jesus breaks bread with the 12 Apostles for the very last time. It’s the day in which Jesus prays to God in the Garden of Gesthemane to provide him with the strength he will very much need the next day. It is also the day where one of his own Apostles, Judas, betrays him.

Yes, I know I’ve said it time and time again … I am NOT a very “good” Catholic. I believe in God and Jesus. I believe that the death of Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice for mankind. I am just not much of a “practicer” in the Catholic faith. No, I don’t go to mass weekly. No, I don’t participate in the sacraments religiously (no pun intended). But what I get out of my belief in God and Jesus (and yes, the Holy Spirit, too) is the sense of spirituality. The sense that there are certain things that are well beyond my control. That there is a higher being watching over me.

Wow … I think that’s the most I’ve really “talked” about religion in a very long time. But seriously, there is a point to this all.

The other thing that is both the backbone and the bane of Catholicism’s existence is its traditions. The “bane” of it being that it takes waaaaaaay too long for change to come to Catholicism … which tends to drive those that are otherwise “believers” away once a situation (like, let’s say IVF for infertility) butts up against an individual’s personal beliefs. I’ve had many many many friends from my Catholic-school childhood fall victim to this. Me included.

But it’s those traditions that sometimes keep a person tied to their faith as well. Personally, there are certain things … like Advent and Lent that I enjoy about my religion. These “seasons” are richly filled with tradition and purpose; but they are also filled with symbolism as well. Advent … a time to prepare for the birth of Jesus which could also symbolize the birth of a “new year” or “new life.” And Lent … a time of self-reflection, of forgiveness of one’s self and others; a time to “give up” something of importance in order to understand what it is like to sacrifice something for others. Yes … it’s those symbolisms in Catholicism that I truly enjoy.

One such tradition that occurs today, on Holy Thursday, is the washing of feet. Yes … you read it right; the washing of feet. During Holy Thursday mass, the priest will literally wash the feet of 12 people in the congregation.

What, may you ask, is the symbolism behind this act? Well first of all, this is literally an act that Jesus performed on all of his Apostles shortly after the Last Supper. It seemed like a strange thing to do because really, why would the “Son of God” perform such a menial task on those that were brought together to serve him?

Now I can’t be certain without doing a major google search, but I have always taken this part of the service to mean two things. First of all, it’s a symbolism of purifying one’s soul/sole in order for this person to fully comprehend the assignment of which he/she has been given in life. A way of cleansing any self doubt. And second of all, I believe that this tradition is a practice in humility. If the “Son of God” should perform such a menial task to others … then we, as Catholics, should be able to participate in our share of menial tasks in order to understand humility.

Yes yes …. I’m finally getting to the point of this rambling. So here goes.

The reason I’m bringing this all up today is not just because today is literally “Holy Thursday.” The reason I’m giving you such a lesson is because today I received my lessons in purity and humility.

That’s because today … I finally got to talk directly to my Mom in the Philippines. And I’ve finally heard the news about how my Grandma is doing … straight from the horse’s mouth. And that has got me feeling just a little less anxious because now I know for myself that my Grandma is actually doing okay.

And when I mean okay; I do mean that Grandma has been breathing on her own since last Friday. To top it off, she has been discharged home from the hospital in order to be surrounded by those she loves. Her IV’s have been discontinued, and she’s responsive to touch and pain. However, she’s still getting her feedings through a tube and well, she really cannot talk. But considering where she was two weeks ago … this is absolutely incredible that she has such strength inside of her. And that has taught me the lesson of humility. That we can prepare for the very worse and things could turn out better than we think. God (and Grandma, too) could have other things planned that we are still not aware of.

And purity? Well … it’s a stretch, but the fact that I was able to talk to my Grandma on the phone … well, that was pure joy. As my Mom held the phone up to my Grandma, I told her how much I loved her and missed her deeply. I told her that I wish she could stay strong and get better, but that if she couldn’t do so … I would understand. I told her that I just wanted for her to be peaceful and happy. And while I knew I wouldn’t get to hear her beautiful voice respond to me, I just knew that she understood what I said. That purity of heart and soul inside my Grandma … that is something I’ve always seen in my every interactions in the past with her. And that is what I felt today.

I miss my Mom. And I miss my Grandma, my Lola. And if I could be there to “wash” their feet … to show them some humility and purity (well, as pure as I can get) … I totally would.

Grandma, you continue to surprise every single one of us with your strength. I love you and I just want you to be in peace. I’m praying for you and for all of our family members … that we will pull through with the amazing grace that you’ve always shown us. Thank you for your strength in heart and humility.

04 April 2009

XX's and OO's needed

Well, it’s official. My 99-year old Grandma is off the respirator as of about 9 am Friday morning, CST. That would have made it 10 pm Friday evening there in the Philippines. They have also stopped her dialysis and heart medications … and as of 2 pm CST, she’s still been breathing on her own.

All this is news that I’ve gathered by emails from my cousin in CT, because silly me managed to leave her cell phone on Monday back in Detroit. Which means I’ve been without a phone for the past 4 days. I have called to talk to my Dad, who in turn, has only been able to talk directly to my Mom once or twice since she left the States. But any news he received was far less than what my awesome cousin has been telling me.

And before you ask why I haven’t been able to call myself … well, it’s because Hubby & I actually don’t have the ability to make international calls at this moment. Neither by our cell phones nor our land line digital phones (through Com-crap). What I should do is go to the nearest Filipino or Asian market and pick up a phone card. And then call … if I can only get the time difference straight. (As in, should I call at 4 am CST which would make it 5 pm there? Or should I call 5 pm CST which would make it 6 am the next morning there? So confusing … ) Plus there’s also the fact that (other than those basic naughty words) I can’t speak or understand Tagolog …

UGH … it’s times like this that I didn’t feel “torn” between to worlds. All I really want is to be with my Mom and my Grandma. I miss them terribly! And my heart is breaking, knowing that my Grandma will soon be gone and I won’t be able to be there to hug or kiss her good-bye … especially since it’s been years since I’ve physically kissed and hugged her since she moved back “home” to the Philippines.

Anyway, I just wanted to post quickly with an updated. Again, thanks for all the wonderful thoughts and prayers. Please please please … keep them coming! Now all I’m asking for is that my Aunt and Uncles make it back “home” in time to say their goodbyes. I believe they’re all scheduled to leave on Monday … with the hopes that they will arrive Tuesday evening (Filipino Time). I would just really want my Grandma to be surrounded by all her children before she moves on to the next world …

03 April 2009

"Twee – R"

Last night was the end of an era. Well, at least for me anyway. And perhaps for the 16.2 million people who watched the last episode of “ER.”

This show came out the year that I graduated from Nursing School and during that first fall season of me living in my own apartment. That same year was also the season premiere of “Friends” and the second season of both “Seinfeld” and “Mad About You.” For me, after having spent many Thursday nights in college at the bar, Thursdays on NBC in the fall of 1994 was the return of my “Must See TV” moments.

“ER” came out at the perfect time for me. I was finally getting used to being on my own. I had probably just gotten off my intense orientation period as a new Registered Nurse at the hospital. Watching the show just brought out all the drama and excitement of what can go on during any given shift for me at work. While I didn’t work in an actual ER, working the afternoon shift on a post-surgical floor certainly did have that same quick environment. Not only were we getting all those patients back from the operating rooms for post-recovery care, but we were also getting those patients that came through the ER earlier in the day and now were finally assigned a hospital bed. And since we dealt with many of the chronically sick patients with gastrointestinal (GI) problems (Crohns, Ulcerative Colitis, and any garden-variety of patients with cancer of the GI tract) … the afternoon shift was the one responsible for providing them with their 24 hour caloric intake through their IV lines (otherwise known as Total Parental Nutrition). And trust me … those were a pain to “hang.”

Gorgeous George! And remember Se.an Ast.in's brother, Mac.kenzie?

So basically what I’m getting at is that watching “ER” resembled the chaos of what could happen when I was at work. And being 22 years old at that time, all that excitement was … well, it was Pretty. D*mn. Exciting.

And the “original cast.” Yeah, there was something about that group of characters that I fell in love with. It didn’t help that I already had a crush on Geo.rge Cloo.ney from his days on “The Facts of Life.” But Anth.ony Edwa.rds, Sher.ry Stri.ngfield, Er.iq Las.alle, Jul.ian.a Mar.guili.es, and No.ah Wy.lie … not only were they excellent actors, but the way they portrayed their characters was incredible.

I must admit the last 5 years I only caught a handful of episodes here and there. And that’s mostly because all, but No.ah from the original cast were long gone. However, this past season, I made an effort to try to watch all of them. That one episode where Dr. Greene “returns” as a flashback was awesome. And not only was Dr. Greene there, but Dr. Romano also made a guest experience. And we won’t even go into the Dr. Ross and Carol episode … I was just ecstatic that they all made the effort to come back for one last reprise of their roles.

Betcha you forgot about Anth.ony Edw.ards in this movie!

In any case, I plopped myself down in the front of the TV last night at 7 pm CST to watch the retrospective. I forgot how groundbreaking the show was in terms of the way it was shot and the quick paced dialogue. I realize now that some of the other shows I’ve loved have since utilized those techniques. “Push.ing Dai.sies” has used the steady-cam shots in quite a few of their scenes. And of course “Gilm.ore Girls” had that razor sharp dialogue. While I know those two shows have nothing to do with medicine or health care … to this day, I just haven’t found a medical drama that combines those two elements like “ER” did.

While watching the show last night, I sat in front of my MacBook and did another new favorite activity (besides FaceBook and blogging) … and that’s Twi.tter. Below is a few of those Twi.tter Tweets I posted last night …

Weird seeing Rory Gilmore as an intern at Cook County ER …
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Oh. Em. Gee. Just realized who that Med Student is … yep, Rachel Greene. WOW! ER has come full circle.
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See? Was I right or was I right?! Brings a tear to my eye …
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Love how Angela Bassett’s character is interviewing Mark Greene’s daughter. What a great way to tie their stories together …
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Love it love it love it! Love how Carter is mentoring Mark’s daughter. Just like Mark did for Carter on his first day. Oh how I’ll miss ER.
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I’ve been following ER since I first graduated from Nursing School … *gasp* FIFTEEN YEARS ago!
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*RIGHT ON* Nurses ROCK!
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Sigh … Thanks for fifteen great years, ER. I’ve loved “growing up” professionally with you.

For those of you that don’t understand the concept of Twi.tter, it’s a way to quickly let a network of friends or “followers” know what you’re thinking or doing. It’s similar to what Fa.ceBooke.rs do when they update their status. But the catch is … in Twi.tter, you’re limited to only 140 characters.

I admit it was confusing for me as to why I’d want to do yet another computer-related social activity. However, once I got the hang of it … I was addicted! (It also doesn’t help that there’s an application on Fa.ceBoo.k” that automatically updates your status with whatever you posted on Twi.tter.)

And really, what started out as a basic means to update people on what a person was up to (commonly known as “Tweets”) has now grown into a phenomenon. Because now … not only are individuals using it as a social medium, major companies and corporations are using it to get a “pulse” as to what their consumers are saying about them. After all, Twi.tter is essentially publicity for them, whether good or bad.

I could, or rather my Hubby could go into much more detail about what other uses there are for Twi.tter … but I *WILL* tell you what I’ve used it for. And that’s to use it as free “advertising” to direct people to my blog. Yay for higher blog subscriptions!

So there you have it. All you ever wanted to know about “Twee – R” and more.

Tell me folks … do you Twi.tter, too?

And if you caught last night’s “ER” series finale … what did you think?