Author: Emily

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NIAW 2009, Pt III

(This is Part Three of a six-day series to celebrate NIAW. I’d say it’s because I “planned” it that way … but the truth is, the series started out as one extremely looong post. To start at the beginning, click here.)

273Again, not every couple who are unable to create and sustain a life will remain childless. There are those couples in this category that will end up opening their hearts to adoption. And to me, those infertile couples are simply incredible.

They’re brave enough to pursue the long and tedious adoption process. A process that includes all the legal matters and invasion into the couples’ private lives as to whether their home and their lifestyle is “safe” enough to care for a child. A concept that, quite frankly, can be unnerving as this questions a couple (who has been struggling to have a family) whether or not they are capable of being a parent.

Those pursuing adoption are also strong enough to face every emotion — all the anxiety — involved in the adoption process head on. Placement of a child (whether domestic or international) and the absolute fear of the unknown would be enough to throw any “normal” person into anxiety overdrive:

Will there be issues with the adoption country?

Will the birth parent(s) change his/her mind?

Will the child love me?

Will I be able to love the child as if he/she is my own?

Am I a good enough in the government’s eyes to be considered capable of raising a child?

Will I be deemed unfit as a parent?

Will the child be taken away from me?

Imagine facing those thoughts every day. In my opinion, going through adoption adds a whole new layer of complexity to infertility. And I am in absolute awe in which these couples who choose this path show such grace and compassion …

I only wish I had even a portion of such brevity, strength, grace and compassion that these people do.

(Yep. There will be more of this … tomorrow.)

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NIAW 2009, Pt II

(This is the second part of a six-day series to celebrate NIAW. I’d say it’s because I “planned” it that way … but the truth is, the series started out as one extremely looong post. To start at the beginning, click here)

273And then there’s the biggest loss of all. Let me preface this by saying that not everyone experiencing infertility will end up in this category of loss. Because some will be successful with their pursuit in creating a child from within themselves. For some, it may be the creation of a biological child of their own. For others, it could be a successful pregnancy created from either donor egg, donor sperm, donor embryo, and even donor uterus. In any case, these are couples who have spent more than enough months in disappointment … and not to mention more than enough money on various medications and/or procedures.

In any case … for those others, like myself, that were not successful in their pursuit, they must deal with the ultimate loss — the inability to create a life out of one’s own being. For some couples, it could be the loss of a pregnancy; a miscarriage after having been able to create a life but unable to carry their baby to term. For every couple unable to achieve and/or maintain a pregnancy, it’s the loss of the ability to pass on a piece of yourself or your partner’s self onto another living and breathing person. To see your facial features on a child you created. To see your partner’s mannerisms in another living being. To know that you have continued on your lineage; contributed to the “Circle of Life.” Those things … and much much more are tremendously huge losses that will take more than the span of your own lifetime to mourn.

Some women feel the loss of the ability to experience a life grow inside of herself; to carry a child in her womb until that baby is ready to enter the world. For other women, it’s knowing that they will finally be able to nurture this child and bring him/her up in the manner that they’ve always dreamed about. And for others still (like myself), a combination of the two …

(More ramblings … tomorrow.)

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NIAW 2009

278So … you all might be wondering what NIAW stands for. Well let me take this little corner of cyberspace to enlighten those that don’t typically follow any other IF blogs.

NIAW stands for “National Infertility Awareness Week.” And yesterday marked the begining of this important week for anybody whose life has been affected with infertility.

And although this blog may be a mish mosh of stuff that chronicles my daily life and thoughts … it is still primarily a blog about infertility. And as I’ve said in previous posts, it’s a blog about loss.

Why loss, you might ask? Especially since infertility is a “medical” condition. Like diabetes. Or heart disease. Or cancer. Well just like any of these conditions, infertility affects every aspect of a person’s life. Just like heart disease requires a lifestyle change, so does infertility. Infertility also requires constant blood tests and monitoring to keep things under “control” … just like diabetes does. And cancer? How can anyone who has been affected by cancer, either personally or through a loved one, not be affected by a diagnosis of cancer?

Going along with the cancer scenario … imagine, if you will, a person — perhaps a loved one, a dear friend, or even a co-worker you might know — who you’re aware is struggling with cancer. Do you mourn alongside with them the loss of life? Or the loss of possibilities within their life? Well, this is the same loss that occurs with infertility. Otherwise there wouldn’t be a need for the one in eight couples who experience infertility to go through such emotions. Nor would there be any need for me to keep such a blog. About *my* loss.

Then I wouldn’t have to write about how challenging it is for a couple who is actively “trying” to conceive a child to manage working full time and still have to go through bi-weekly (sometimes weekly or even daily) doctor appointments for lab draws or ultrasounds. Talk about loss of time spent driving to and from appointments … Not to mention loss of personal and vacation time at work.

Or how about the loss of control over their body? How frustrating would it be for you to find out that after months of your spouse or either of your parents dealing with multiple rounds of chemotherapy for cancer only to see little or no progress … While a good friend, who has the same type of cancer, is found to be in remission after only one round?

Now imagine that similar scenario in context with infertility. Imagine spending months – nay, years – and thousands of dollars for treatment with sometimes little to no success in achieving a viable pregnancy. Imagine being disappointed month after month after month.

That loss of ability to “control” how your body responds to treatment while another person’s body does … It is enough to drive you crazy with obsession. Enough to drive you to do whatever thing you must do in order to achieve the best possible results to achieve your dream. After all, those other “seven out of eight” couples have no “issues” in creating the miracle that is life. And it’s my personal opinion that some people take that *miracle* for granted.

That loss is also enough to force an otherwise laid back person into a Type A personality … By trying to remember what things that *must* be done versus what things *must* be avoided in order to provide the “optimum” healthy conditions for a successful “pregnancy.” Alongside these medical treatments, there is also all the “old wives’ tales” and otherwise unsolicited advice from those that an infertile could possibily perceive as having the ability to “control” their bodies.

And then there’s the biggest loss of all … (to be continued, tomorrow)

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McSnippets!

A few weeks ago, Hubby and I spent another one of our Detroit Saturday nights at our favorite Hole-In-The-Wall with our friend, J. It’s becoming a tradition to do this every Saturday we’re back in the Detroit area. First of all, it gives us a chance to get our fix of the best d*mn burgers in the area. And second, we get to have some great conversation with a great friend.

270That Saturday we were talking about childhood memories. The kind of memories that no one else but one or the other could remember. The ones that everyone else might think was crazy and make-believe. But the ones we knew in our minds were true.

For the life of me, I can’t remember what memory J had that neither Hubby or I could place in the back of our minds. And I wish I could … because then I’d want to see if anyone else out here in the blogosphere would know what he was talking about. As for me … I had two specific memories. Neither of which was “google”-able about three years ago.

The first one I had was almost a blur-like memory. A mini-TV show that played between shows on the local PBS-like station. They reminded me of the “Scho.olho.use Rocks” series in that it would always have some sort of lesson to learn. However, unlike “Scho.olho.use Rocks,” they’d always be aired during weekday afternoons. And instead of being cartoons, they would be budget-friendly claymation figures. But whenever I brought this up to any of my friends that grew up in the same area at around the same time period, no one could ever remember “Snippets.” In fact, I’ve been accused once or twice of making it up in my mind. Except now I’m here to prove that they did exist … because since the last time I googled the show, it appears that other people were remembering and wondering the same thing.

The second one is a little more personal. That same Saturday night, I told J and my Hubby about this memory I had about a Ron.ald Mc.Don.ald character that neither of them could remember. All I could remember was that it was a pirate-like character and that I saw a statue of him somewhere at an outdoor McDon.aldland playground out in front of the actual restaurant. (Remember when they used to have swingsets and merry-go-rounds located in a brick courtyard directly in front of the restaurant?) Both J and Hubby laughed at me, informing me that I surely must have mistaken this pirate with the Ham.burgl.ar. And furthermore stating that perhaps my love for Johnny Depp’s Captain Jack obviously extended back into my early childhood.

But see the thing is, I knew in the recess of my mind that I had a picture taken in front of this pirate. And so the next morning, before we left our home to return back to Chicago, I went rummaging through some of the old photo albums I managed to (a-hem) “borrow” from my parents. And lo and behold … I managed to find proof of said pirate. After showing Hubby, I told him that I now had to scan this picture in and share it with J … just to prove him wrong.

271

But then I promptly forgot about it … until the other day at work ,when rummaging through my bag, I stumbled on said picture. Of course, then I had to show it around the office and relay to them the conversation I had with Hubby and J. And now that I had my solid proof, I told my co-workers, I had to find out exactly who this character was.

Well, duh … since I’m officially now living in the state in which McDo.nald’s was founded, it didn’t take me that long to find out the name of said character. Captain Crook (which was later shortened to just “The Captain”) was similar to that of the Ham.burglar … except instead of stealing burgers he was known to steal Filet-o-fish sandwiches. And apparently it was Officer Big Mac who would try to catch him. The Captain and Big Mac apparently got the cut in the early 80’s when McDon.aldla.nd began to streamline its characters. Don’t ask me how the Fry Guys (aka the “Gobblins”) and Birdie made the cut … along with Gri.mace. I mean seriously … what exactly is Gri.mace supposed to be?! *

272So there you go … apparently I really don’t pull things out of thin air (or from my a$$, as others might say). But ain’t it a sad state of affairs when I can remember silly trivial things … and yet I struggle with remembering where I last put my cell phone?

Don’t answer that. Somehow, I can already hear all those responses to that rhetorical question. Hmmph …

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* Silly side note: Filipinos use a vegetable called ube (pronounced like e.Bay, but with an”ooh”) in many sweet desserts. The color of ube is remarkably like the color of Gri.mace. My Hubby had this way of teasing his younger cousins that any desserts made of ube was actually bits and pieces of Gri.mace. Yeah … he devastated his poor cousins who really thought they were eating Ron.ald Mc.Don.ald’s friend!

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Un-"Self"-ish

I know. It’s been a week and nary-a-new post. And truly … for months I’ve been finding little to no time to comment on other friends’ blogs. Thank you for those that still stick around and read about my silly (and lately, not-so-silly) ramblings.

And before I go any further, I just want to send out a ti-gantic (as opposed to ginormous) hug to absolutely everyone out there in the cyberworld for all the warm sentiments and prayers sent my way over the past three weeks. I know my Grandma would be absolutely amazed by the sheer number of people that have expressed such loving and caring thoughts about my love and respect for her both here on my bloggie … and in my Fac.ebo.ok world. Thank you thank you THANK YOU!

265Okay … I’m sure I’ll have more posts about how I’m dealing with this loss. And I’m sure I’ll have even more posts about the week (last week) that my nephew came to visit on his “Spring Break.” Or the subsequent trip he’s making this weekend with his mom and step-dad and sister. But since I spent a lot of time writing the following blurb below … I figured I’d share it with you. But first … a little preface.

My good bloggie friend sent a “call out” for some assistance with a paper that she’s writing for her Philosophy class this semester. The premise of her paper is to cite examples in which life-altering events or times of crisis cause a person to question his or her sense of self … and ultimately a shift in his or her outlook of life and the world. *

So yeah. What better life-altering event might there be than going through infertility and subsequent treatments? And the after-effects of failed treatments? And the ultimate decision to give up that dream of creating a family with the love of your life … at least for now?

You bet I answered the call. And because the questions she posed certainly had my noggin working overtime … and because, quite frankly I’m too tired, as of late, to write a “proper” post … I decided to post a copy of my answers here. So without further ado …

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Hello, Interviewees!
Thank you in advance for your willingness to help me complete my senior thesis by participating in my interview call.

The purpose of these questions is to glean from a wide audience the ways in which we define our sense of self, and what happens when we feel that there has been a change in that sense of self. All responses will be kept anonymous, but for my own tracking purposes (if, for instance, I want clarification on one of your answers) and for the purposes of sorting responses, please fill out the following demographic information:

Name: Emily (Apron Strings)
Age: 36 (yikes!)
Gender: Female
Marital Status: Married
Religious Affiliation (if any): Catholic

And now, the questions:

  1. Do you believe that you have undergone a significant shift in your sense of self? (Please note that if your answer is “No”, then the rest of these questions will be irrelevant to you!)
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    I believe I have.
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  2. What do you feel precipitated this shift? Was there a specific event or point in time? Was the change gradual or sudden?
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    Hindsight is always 20/20. I’ve been dealing with infertility for most of my married life which makes this time period well over 12 years. I didn’t recognize how much I’ve changed since dealing with infertility until about two years ago. This makes me believe that this change has been gradual.
    .
  3. Describe yourself both before and after the change. What areas of you life or aspects of your self were most significantly impacted?
    .
    When my husband and I first started out on making our family, I was a pretty optimistic and overall happy person. I saw things as half-full and I saw possibilities in just about every avenue of my life. Mostly I saw the ability, with hard work and effort, to achieve any dream or goal I put my heart into.
    .
    At the peak of my infertility treatments, I can recall becoming more of a pessimistic person. I began to think that there seemed to be no use to going through the monthly regimen of ultrasounds and medications where I would have to poke myself with a needle. “Why bother hurting myself?” I can recall thinking. “I’m just going to end up disappointed once again.”
    .
    In other words, why did I have to put any effort into this dream or goal of being able to create a life with my husband … when, at the end of the month, I’m still not going to achieve that dream?
    .
    266At first I tried to avoid allowing my Infertility “issues” and subsequent change in “self” to infiltrate my life outside of my personal life between my husband and myself. However; the longer I remained in my “infertile” and pessimistic world, the more it infiltrated my social and work lives.
    .
    Socially, I began to isolate myself. It started out whenever I attended any social gatherings. I’d inevitably get the “Still not pregnant?” questions which I would, in the beginning, answer politely. And when I would explain to them our situation, it appeared as if the conversation would turn “awkward” for the person I was speaking to. After a while, the more I got asked the question, I’d feel more hurt and angrier at them. And the less I’d want to talk to anyone in a social situation. Therefore, because of my negative responses and actions (refusing to participate in further “children” discussions), people stopped asking me any questions (child-related or not). After a period of time, I stopped getting any invitations to gatherings. This then resulted in further isolation.
    .
    In work, instead of being the highly driven, goal-oriented person, I began to be the person that would always find things “wrong” with the current situation. Worse is that I became the person I’ve always dreaded working with; the one who was always complaining / whining about any and every issue but would never offer any resolutions.
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  4. How have others viewed your shift? What has the external response been? Are people quick to adjust or slow, positive or negative, etc.? .
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    The first person that ever brought up this “change” was my husband. And honestly, it’s because he is the closest person to me. He has been good about telling me when I’ve “crossed” the line from being just “dejected and hurt” to being “negative and hurtful” to others and other situations. And because both of us were going through infertility, that was hard for me to hear without feeling as if I was hurting him in the process, too. However, my husband has always been very supportive and has overall been great at adjusting to any situation. In other words, he was quick to adjust to the changes within me and has been a positive force in helping me realize what had changed. He is absolutely excellent in me and in “reeling” me back in any given situation when needed.
    .
    Socially, I’ve not had many people “comment” about the change in me, but never directly address it with me. I think it’s mainly because infertility is such a hard subject to talk about for other people. And quite frankly, I don’t see any other way that someone might bring up this “change” in me without first having to discuss my infertility issues. With that said, I believe socially … people have been overall negative and slow to adjust to this change.
    .
    At work, the only example I can give you is this: The year before I found out about my SIL’s pregnancy, my annual work performance review (for 2007) was “excellent.” The following year’s review (for 2008), which occurred after the birth and subsequent death of my nephew, Liam, and the announcement of this same SIL’s latest pregnancy … well, let’s just say that my performance review was less than stellar. Add to the fact that my former boss wanted to put me on a “corrective action plan” based on my attitude (and not my work or work ethics, by the way) … well, as you can see, the people at work were very slow to adjust and overall negative to this change.
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  5. What has been your response to the shift? Have you undergone a shift in behavior or habits or lifestyle? What about in the way you judge your own (or others’) actions?
    .
    267I absolutely hate the fact that I’ve become the person I am … or rather was during this period in my life. And I do say that in “past tense” because I am actively trying to change back to who I was before infertility changed me to the negative person I am today. 

With that said, I have undergone a shift in behavior, habits and lifestyle … and I’ve done / am doing it twice, thus far, in my life. I’ll break it down into the two phases: During Infertility (DI) and After Niece’s Birth (ANB).
    .
    DI: My behavior consisted of thinking of all negative outcomes to any given situation and acting on what the negative outcome would be (even if the outcome could be or ended up being positive). Using the social life as an example; even though a good friend might be having a baby shower … because this was a “baby” related event, I would avoid going to it without any given explanation and assume I’d have everyone, including this friend, be pissed off at me. Whereas the truth is, if I was up front with this friend about why I couldn’t go, I was more apt to elicit a favorable response and a perhaps form even stronger bond with this friend. (I’m just sayin’ … it could be possible!). Suffice to say, doing things like avoiding “baby” related things has changed the various habits we may have (avoiding baby aisle at various stores, including grocery stores, as an example) and the lifestyle we live (difficulty in relating to friends who now have children of their own; difficulty finding “childless” couples to hang out with that are around our age).
    .
    ANB: After the birth of my niece (my SIL’s pregnancy after my 5 month old nephew had passed), I went through a very very negative period in my life. And honestly, I would have thought that going through the previous pregnancy would have prepared me for this one. But the thing is, my SIL’s pregnancy with my niece was much smoother and very uneventful that I almost had no recourse but to think I was “okay” with it. It’s only after my niece was born that all this anger and negativity and pessimism rose again … and to its highest degree, may I add. But it was my reactions to the birth of my niece that made me realize how much I hated what I became. And it was the catalyst for me to change.
    .
    So as I type, I can tell you what changes have occurred since last September. (1) I moved out of state – while it may seem that I’m “running away” from the issue at hand, I view it as giving me some breathing room to decompress and grow out of the shell I isolated myself in for so many years. (2) I’ve started a new job – again, not to “run away” from my problems from my previous place of work. No, this is another attempt at growth … because instead of going to work daily “just to get paid,” I am going to work with a purpose and with a challenge and end goal in mind. That, alone, is a big feat … because my end goal is no longer focused on creating the family that may never come … but it’s a goal that I can work hard at and eventually achieve the results I desire. And finally, (3) Since moving, I’ve found myself making a conscious effort to find the positive in any given situation and run with it. I try to make the most of what I’ve been given and try not to think too much of the “What If’s” or “Why’s”. I’m trying to think of the future with a positive outcome … it might not be what I imagined or dreamed or planned it to be, but it will still be a good one.
    .
  6. Do you believe that you are fundamentally the same person now as you were before your shift? Describe as best you can what leads you to the conclusion to which you come. Specifically, what factors do you use to determine your core sense of self?
    .
    I think that there is part of me that still remains the core person I was before infertility came into my life. I think that my sense of values as to what is important in my life remains the same. If I weren’t that person anymore, then there would be no way that I’d be making the conscious effort to try to return to who I was before my core was shaken.
    .
    However, I am realistic enough to know that I cannot … nor will I ever be … the same person I was 12 years ago. There have been too many events and experienced I’ve encountered in between those years that has shaped me into who I am today.
    .
    I almost prefer to think that 12 years ago I was just plain naïve about the rest of the world.     I can understand how physical loss (-ie- the death of a loved-one / child / parent / sibling / other relative) or physical illness (-ie- pick your choice of terminal diagnoses, psychiatric diagnoses, or even life-changing circumstances like para- or quadriplegia) can be life-altering. However, I had no idea that something as “tragic” as the inability to create a life would break my heart into a million pieces and rock my sense of self to its very core. I had no idea that infertility would force me to look at who I was … and who I still know is “buried” inside of me today.
    .
    The difference is now I have hindsight to refer to. I can still retain that “self” I was before infertility, but now I can alter it (based on my past experiences) to reflect the true strength I’ve acquired over the past 12 years. I can still be that optimistic person with life goals ahead of her, but realize that there are some goals in life that I might never achieve … even if I work very hard at it. I can still be the same person who values family … even though my family consists of my husband and me with our three furbabies. And even if our responsibilities to the “younger” generation consists of being the best Auntie and Uncle in the world. I can still be the person who values responsibility … and still respect that there are some responsibilities that I am not responsible for.
    .
    I’m not quite sure I fully answered this last question appropriately, but this is the best answer I can come up with.

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268Well I must admit, I used up all my brain power answering these questions. And because I know I’ll be having yet another busy (but fun) weekend … this might be all I’ll be posting for now.

But between the rest of the blogiverse and me, I’d be quite happy lying on my newest piece of I.kea furniture and doing absolutely nothing … (Oh, who am I kidding … I will be enjoying the time spent with my niece and nephew!)

Yet again, thanks for reading my ever-so-interesting ramblings. And once more, thanks for all the wonderful bloggie love I’ve gotten over the past few weeks.

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* Okay, Ms. Kate. I hope I didn’t slaughter your thesis. Eek!