Who knew that April 24th would be quite an eventful day?
First, I just realized (a-la-Facebook status updates) that it’s one of our good friends‘ Date-O-Versary (15 years!) and Wedding Anniversary (6 years!) all in one.
Then I remembered that it was also my HS friend’s daughter’s birthday. Little E is now two years old today! (Where did time go?) A visit yesterday evening to their place found Kozzy & I handing a very talkative E an early birthday gift since we weren’t going to be able to join her for cake & ice cream this afternoon.
And the reason why we couldn’t make it for cake & ice cream today was because we’re heading back to Detroit for the night. That’s because it’s another important person’s birthday today … my Dad’s!! So it’s off to dinner with the folks for some great food and even better conversation. After all … it’s been a while since we were last back in Motown.
So congrats to our friends celebrating their love today. And Happy 2nd Birthday to the cuteness that is E.
And an especially Happy Birthday to my Dad today … you will always have the love of your “little” girl!
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Oh, and if three events aren’t enough for one day … let’s throw in one more. Today is the start of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).
This is but a short post in the midst of chaos that has been both fun and work this past week. I promise a better post in the upcoming days; especially as National Infertility Awareness Week commences on April 24th.
But today … well, today is Earth Day. And with all the recent natural disasters that have been occurring more and more frequently, I believe that Mother Nature is trying to tell something.
Okay, maybe the earthquakes and volcano eruptions are more of a wake-up call to those who aren’t already thinking green … But for those that already are? Well, it’s a reminder that we should constantly be thinking of our planet and what we can do to make it better.
So remember … at least today of all days … Think Green and Act Green.
Happy Earth Day to you, Mother Nature …
And to the rest of us who inhabit this world.
When moving to Chicago last year, Hubby & I ended up buying a full-size bed mattress and frame from IKEA. The thought was that I was going to use it as my bed until Hubby officially moved from our home in Suburban Detroit in April of last year. Then we’d move our queen-sized bed from Michigan and move the IKEA bed into our guest room.
Now it’s April of this year, and Hubby & I are still using that full-sized bed . That’s because we never did end up moving that bed … yet, anyway. And let me tell you, I’m sorely missing our thick, plush queen-sized mattress.
Not that the IKEA mattress isn’t comfortable. Let’s just say that the bed frame is just a little … lopsided.
To explain this more, if you’ve ever owned an IKEA bed, you’ll know that instead of having a box-spring mattress, they use a slatted bed base. Depending on how soft or firm you want the mattress to feel, you can choose from a variety of different slatted bed bases.
Now, for us … the slatted bed base wasn’t the problem. The problem lies in (no pun intended … kinda) how the slats fit into the particular bed frame we chose. Which was on sale, by the way. (That should have been our clue … ) Let’s just say that the longer you sleep on the bed, the more the slats start to slip downward off the frame of the bed on one side or the other. And well, that just makes for an uneven sleeping surface.
No matter how many times we’ve fixed the bed, over a period of time it starts to become lopsided once more. And now … well let’s just say that both sides of the bed have slipped off the frame; one side on the upper right and the other side on the lower left. Thank G*d for the midbeam; otherwise the mattress would have sunk down completely!
Obviously the cats found some balance in the bed!
Anyway … the other day, Hubby and I were talking about our sleeping experience with this bed … which, despite the nuisance of being lopsided, is actually quite comfortable. As I was getting ready to turn in for the night, I asked him when he’d be coming into bed. His response was, “Soon.”
“Good,” I told him. “Because when you’re there, I feel more balanced.”
And then we looked at each other and grinned; knowing full well that I meant that literally and figuratively.
Today, an article appeared on the New York Times regarding Russia’s decision to suspend adoptions to the U.S.
More Pics from Kairi's visit
The reason that Russia called for a halt on all adoptions of Russian children by Americans, in my opinion, was justified. I do believe that there needs to be further investigation from both sides of the ocean (or Bering Strait, I suppose).
As one half of an infertile couple, who at one time seriously considered adoption as a method to start our family, what this adoptive mother did was simply outrageous. And furthermore, her actions have now affected any other potential adoptive parent who have invested much time, money and emotions in adopting a Russian child. This woman effectively shattered many dreams of many people.
Simply put, this breaks my heart.
******
Speaking of dreams … During our engagement, Hubby & I had multiple discussions about how our future would be. We dreamed of owning a house big enough for at least 4 kids with a yard big enough for the dog we would own. We dreamed about how great our careers would be and how we would somehow manage to balance work life and home life.
And we dreamed about how incredible it would be to raise our children; how we would help our children find that balance between being American and being Filipino. We would make sure that they could be proud about their heritage and still be able to embrace the environment in which they lived.
Tyler at the Lego Store in Downtown Chicago
After all, Hubby and I were half- and first-generation** Filipino-Americans. We knew, first hand, the struggles of growing up with half our feet steeped in Filipino traditions and the other half finding a way to assimilate into the Western culture. This was especially evident when we were teenagers growing up in the ’80’s.
I mean seriously … Hubby & I have joked around about how we learned about typical American Teenager behavior from watching John Hughes (RIP … ) movies. In reality, that’s actually not that far from the truth.
But I digress.
Another one of our dreams as an engaged couple looking towards our bright future had always been about adoption. Yes … adoption.
We had always dreamed about opening our hearts and home to other children who might not have been given the same love and opportunities and life that we had. Specifically we looked into adopting internationally, because we wanted to help a child with transitioning into the American culture much like we had while growing up. We wanted these children to embrace their new environment while being proud of where they were born. Much like we were.*** Err … rather are.
However, in that foggy crystal ball version of our future, adoption was something that Hubby & I planned to do after we had children of our own. After we were able to produce offspring that contained both of our DNA.
Kairi loves her big brother ...
Call us selfish, but we just really wanted to see our genetic traits in a biological child and then be able to raise a child through adoption. This child might not share the same genes as us, but would share the same love and warmth and upbringing as our biological children. And for me personally, it was a chance for me to see Nature vs. Nurture at its best.
Unfortunately we never did get to see that nature part. At all. And if I was a strong enough person, I might have been able to see the nurture part. At least with raising a child.
******
I applaud anyone who has sought to adopt as a means to start or add to their family.
It takes an incredibly strong and capable person to be able to put themselves through all the rules and regulations and investigations into your private lives just to raise a child that is not biologically your own. I know this from reading other IFer’s blogs about adoption and from talking to adoptive parents about their own experiences. From going to adoption agencies to gather information on our own.
... And Tyler loves his baby sister
Reading about Russia today also reminds me about other countries such as China and Guatemala that have also placed restrictions on potential adoptive parents from the U.S. And it’s because I know how long most of these individuals have been waiting for their chance to raise an internationally adopted child. For those who have faced infertility, it’s the chance to raise any child.
And if I had enough strength, adopting internationally would have been my chance in passing a little bit of myself … that bit about being proud of my heritage while embracing the uncharted territories of being a first-generation immigrant … to my adoptive child.
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** Hubby was born in the Philippines and migrated to the U.S. at the age of five; effectively making him a “half-generation” immigrant. Of course, depending on what version of immigrant generations you go with, Hubby & I can be seen as 1.5- and second-generation immigrants. At least that’s what Wiki says … )
*** Well … okay, so I was born in the U.S. … but hopefully you understand what I mean.
I am so happy that today is Thursday because this means I only have one more day to deal with work.
As predicted, I came back to the office with more fires than I could possibly put out in one day. Never mind the fact that after our house guests left yesterday afternoon, I already signed on to my work emails just to play a little catch-up before physically returning today. And never mind that today should have really been spent at our monthly leadership class.
So yeah … the dedicated employee in me thought it best that I stay in my cubicle today and work diligently at putting out fires. And the dedicated employee in me will return again tomorrow to do the same thing again.
One of the things I dealt with today was the frustration that some of my staff members voiced over issues that have been ongoing since the beginning of the year. And while I understand their frustration and have often allowed them more than enough time to yammer on about how unreasonable they feel certain things are … there are some days (like today, for instance) that it’s just not the right time to go on and on about these things.
Now before I hear about how I shouldn’t let them complain about the way things are and that I, as their direct supervisor, should just demand that they do what I tell them to do (after all, they’re getting paid to do this work, right?) … That’s just not who I am.
I am not a dictator and I am not a micro-manager. I have always been someone that has sought to find some sort of win-win solution amongst all parties. I figure it’s better to get an employee to “buy in” to a new process, a new way of thinking rather than “force” them to do something that they don’t understand or don’t think makes any sense.
Kitty Cat Rain, hiding from a curious toddler!
So yeah … I would rather hear their frustration. As long as it comes with some sort of idea for a solution. And besides … I’d rather have them “complain” in front of me rather than go off in a huddled mass and let the bitterness and negativity fester around me.
While admittedly taking this time with my staff takes a lot of energy out of me, it does reap some great rewards. The number one reward is that my staff trusts me; and it’s because during these “wailing” sessions, I’m always adamant about being as honest and truthful as I can be about any given situation. And of course, the other reward is that they are more than willing to help me or the rest of their teammates out in a pinch.
Today, amidst all of the chaos at work, I managed to experience one of these rewards … one that actually took me by suprise in the form of one of my most pessimistic employee.
While originally she did come by my cubicle to talk about an issue that was bothering her … an issue that resulted in an answer that I knew wasn’t one she’d like … she suprised me by saying, “Well, I guess I’m meant to experience these types of situations over and over again until I learn how to deal with it properly.”
Wow … I was literally floored by her statement. And completely amazed by how much growth she’s experienced in the year that I’ve known her. Because a year ago, I’m pretty darn sure she would have stormed off in anger and let it fester for ever and ever and ever. But instead, she accepted it as if she knew it was something that was beyond her control … and that the only thing she could control was how she could react to it.
Tyler was *SO* excited to ride the CTA
Which then lead into another discussion about how there are certain things in life that are beyond our control. And that the trick to being “okay” with situations (rather than angry or sad) is to realize what we can and can’t control about the situation … how we can react, whether to expend energy on something that may prove to be futile anyway, etc.
So after this incredible conversation I had with my team member, I took a moment to reflect exactly what she had said to me. And how it reflected in my own life; particularly on how I’ve dealt with my infertility.
What I came up with was this:
Obviously during my journey to Hubby & my decision to finally live child-free after infertility I’ve ran into many “challenges,” many pregnancy or adoption announcements, many invitations to children’s birthday parties. And sadly, I’ve even faced one of the hardest challenges that life can indirectly throw my way. But even then I obviously hadn’t learned the lesson I was meant to get out of these challenges.
It wasn’t until I learned to give up that anger that I had felt for so long that I began to feel a little sense of calm. And as I slowly came out of the sadness and depression that followed the anger, I truly was able to open myself up to more than just grief.
And what opened up was this incredible opportunity to literally step away from the world where most of my grief took place. Once I gave up that feeling of having to “control” … or rather, brace myself from the grief of my infertility, I began to feel “okay”with myself … okay with the fact that I had no control over my body.
But what I did have control over was exactly how I could react to these situations. And what I did have control over was what path I could take next.
My new favorite picture of my niece & nephew!
Having been in my new world for over a year now, I can finally look back and know that Hubby & I have taken the path that feels most suitable for us … given that we couldn’t have children of our own.
So the lesson I learned today from my employee? The one that usually tends to be the most distrustful and discouraging? I’ve learned that even though you can try to force control over certain situations like trying to have children (and all that comes with an infertile trying to become pregnant or trying to adopt**), the best course of action is to simply trust in yourself and learn how best to deal with it.
** Easier said than done, I know. But I’m living proof that you can still be infertile and learn how to “Just Relax.” It’s taken me 13-plus years; but I think I’m actually at peace with my infertility.
And the reason why we couldn’t make it for cake & ice cream today was because we’re heading back to Detroit for the night. That’s because it’s another important person’s birthday today … my Dad’s!! So it’s off to dinner with the folks for some great food and even better conversation. After all … it’s been a while since we were last back in Motown.
