It’s no surprise that I consider myself a pre-cursor to a Fangirl.** And I say “pre-cursor” because I certainly am not one that is completely obsessed with my favorite characters or actors; Johnny Depp notwithstanding (of course). And I certainly don’t “role-play” like some fangirls and fanboys do. Call it being a product of growing up as an adolescent and teenager in the early 80’s … but I consider myself more a Pop Culture enthusiast, than a Fangirl. I know more Pop Culture trivia and particular TV shows/movies than I know anything about Manga or RPG characters in the latest PS3 game.
Or as Cee Lo Green might say, “I guess (s)he’s more XBox. And I’m more Atari.”
So it shouldn’t be a surprise that, last night I was on the couch watching Spiderman 2 in HD and reading the Wolverine & Jubilee*** comic at the same time. After all, my number one Fanboy (aka Hubby) was also on the couch next to me reading his entire pile of comics and was the one responsible for choosing our TV selection.
In the midst of watching the movie, I caught a line that Peter Parker (as Spiderman, of course) said to the brilliant but obsessive scientist, Dr. Otto Octavius. While Spidey tries to talk Doc Ock (the “evil” alter-ego) out of continuing with his highly volatile, “this-could-implode-the-world” experiment, a bit of the passionately kind Dr. Octavious comes out and says, “It was my dream … ”
And Peter, unmasked by this time responds back to Dr. Octavious and says:
“Sometimes to do what’s right, we must be steady … and give up the things we desire the most. Even our dreams.”
Now … as many times as I’ve watched this movie before (thanks to the Master of the Remote, aka Hubby), I don’t think I’ve ever picked up on that line before.
Wow, was all I could think when hearing that line. How very insightful.
Maybe it’s because NIAW 2011 had just concluded, but I definitely had my Infertility Journey in mind. And I certainly thought about how my journey had ended by living child-free.
As I’ve said countless times before, making the decision to stop pursuing other options to build our family was not an easy decision. At all.
That decision came only after years of dealing with so much emotional trauma. Like feeling as we’d been left “behind” as we watched multiple family and friends have children of their own. Or feeling that I was a “failure” because I couldn’t give my Husband the child he so richly deserved. Or feeling like an ungrateful child because I couldn’t give my parents the gift of spoiling my child(ren). Or that I was simply — and excuse my X-Men reference here — a mutant for not being able to do what seemed like the rest of the human population could easily do.
So yeah, let’s just say that — except for the love that Hubby & I had for one another — there was nothing steady about traveling down the Infertility road. If anything, going through the emotions of extreme hope (in the beginning of each monthly cycle) to extreme disappointment (at the end of each cycle) can very much be compared to being on a non-stop roller coaster.
To finally get off the ride … to finally get a chance to breathe … That gave Hubby and I an opportunity to think; to weigh out our options without all the emotions getting in the way. After all, we were talking about our dream; the one that involved having a large family.
Hearing that quote last night? It was a good thing. Because what it did was cement the decision that Hubby & I had made … to live our lives with the possibility of no children … as the right one for us. It confirmed that we had to regain our sanity outside of the emotions and focus on where our next path in life would take us. In other words, we had to find a way to remain steady.
And in the end … well, we did exactly what Peter Parker had said in that line. We gave up the one thing in life we very much desired. We gave up our dream.
But despite it all … I know I can count on one thing in our lives that will always remain steady. And that’s the love that Hubby (my TV-remote-hogging, comic-book-loving gem-of-a-guy) and I have for one another.
Emily’s not a Johnny Depp stalker … no she’s not!
Emily talks about her journey to Childfree Living
Emily compares Infertility to episodes of free-falling
Emily talks about that dream
** Fangirl: A rabid breed of human female who is obesessed with either a fictional character or an actor. Similar to the breed of fanboy.
*** What can I say? I think Jubilee was always underrated in the X-Men. And I totally loved the relationship between her & Wolverine.
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