(This is the fourth install­ment of a six-​​day series to cel­e­brate NIAW. I’d say it’s because I “planned” it that way … but the truth is, the series started out as one extremely looong post. To start at the begin­ning, click here.)

273Finally there’s one last loss that those expe­ri­enc­ing infer­til­ity may or may not have expe­ri­enced in their unique jour­neys. It’s a loss par­tic­u­larly felt by those infer­tile couples/​individuals who have decided to forgo med­ical treat­ment all together. These cou­ples could sim­ply be “in limbo,” decid­ing whether or not going through the gru­el­ing adop­tion process is their next step. Or they could have decided on the “child-​​free” path of life.

And while on this dis­cus­sion, I must state that there is a dif­fer­ence between being a “child­less” cou­ple and “child-​​free” cou­ple. Being a cou­ple that is “child-​​free” indi­cates a method­i­cal deci­sion to live a life with­out chil­dren. It’s a choice that this cou­ple made, for their own per­sonal rea­sons, to remain a “fam­ily” of two. I’m sure that indi­vid­u­ally, each one has their rea­son, but the point is that there was choice in the matter.

How­ever, liv­ing a “child­less” life is sim­ply a path in life that was given to them. It’s a path that was reluc­tantly forced upon them. “Child­less” liv­ing may not have been the life these cou­ples imag­ined when plan­ning their future together, but it’s unfor­tu­nately the twist of fate that has taken them on their child­less journey.

An ideal “child­less” course … well, it would end up with the abil­ity for any infer­tile to mirac­u­lously become preg­nant … but that’s not what I’m get­ting at. (Besides, at this point in my life, it very well may be an “immac­u­late con­cep­tion.”) In an ideal “child­less” course, I would hope that a per­son would be able to progress from per­ceiv­ing their life as “child­less” to being able to live“child-free.” Because then this per­son (or a cou­ple) would con­sciously and delib­er­ately be mak­ing that choice to live “child-​​free.”

But wow … how I’ve digressed. So going back to the losses expe­ri­enced with “child­less” liv­ing … this last loss is one that not many like to dis­cuss. But because this is my blog and it’s a loss that I’ve expe­ri­enced, I will forge through this and write about it. And what I say isn’t meant to be received by the read­ers as a method to elicit sym­pa­thy or empa­thy. It isn’t meant to sound bit­ter or angry. It’s sim­ply a fact.

And the fact is this: Cou­ples expe­ri­enc­ing infer­til­ity, par­tic­u­larly women, feel a loss of con­nec­tion amongst other cou­ples or women that have achieved preg­nancy and ulti­mately a fam­ily. While I admit, part of that loss can be attrib­uted to that bit of envy an infer­tile is *enti­tled* to feel. How­ever, the loss of con­nec­tion has more to do with the inabil­ity to be part of a lifestyle that is “nat­ural” in every day society.

Let me explain this a lit­tle more.

(Tomor­row, of course … )


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