Category: Work

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Wasting Grey Matter

So it’s yet another grey rainy day here in Suburban Detroit … fitting for Mother’s Day, if you ask me. Hubby & I have found our way to our favorite coffee house where we can finally read the paper and relax as we want. And yes … I managed to make my way through Mother’s Day lunch with the families without having to make a “trip” to the restroom to cry in private. Although … I do confess, I wanted to whack the hostess who wished me a “Happy Mother’s Day” and tried to shove a rose in my hand, even after I told her that I was not a mother. Grrr …

Anyway, since it’s a grey day, I figured it would be a great day to finally waste a little grey matter on answering a meme that Io sent to me earlier this past week. So here goes …

4 Things I Did Ten Years Ago (1998):

  • Had surgery to correct a herniated disc in my lower back after a patient fell on me. That would signal the end of my “Floor Nurse” career and would eventually end up working for the hospital’s Case Management Department … signaling the beginning of my second career in Nursing Case Management … Or “Skirt Nursing,” as one of the ICU nurses referred to my job … meaning I don’t have to get my hands all dirty and in to every aspect of direct patient care. Well, I certaining DO get my hands dirty … it’s just a different kind of dirt.
  • Watched the Red Wings win the second of two consecutive Stanley Cup Championships and made it a point to call in sick at work just so I could go to the Championship Parade in Downtown Detroit. Tried to make sure that no news cameras were around us either! LOL!

The 1998 Stanley Cup Champions … See Konstantinov in the Wheelchair?
  • Helped my SIL and our nephew (who was 2 and a half at that time) move in to our house after Tyler’s dipsh*t dad decided he wanted to get a divorce. They lived with us for just under a year while my SIL finished up getting her Bachelors. It was good thing to have them there with us, as we totally adored and loved Tyler (and still do!) and wanted to make sure he had some sort of stability while going through such a difficult transition. The only downside to it all was that Bobby & I were just starting to really focus on our marriage and starting our family … which made it just a little hard and frustrating when having other people living with us. In other words, not enough private time for some spontaneous nookie.
  • In May, I had my yearly GYN appointment and finally told my Doc that I was having issues with trying to get pregnant. No blood tests were ordered at that time, which should have been my first clue. Was told to take my temp every morning and chart and if I wasn’t pregnant in 6 months, to make an appointment. In October, I started the first of many Clomid challenges (because obviously I wasn’t pregnant by then). I was optimistic at that time, thinking that I’d only have to do a few months of this and I’d be on my way to starting my happy family. How I wish I could go back and change things …

4 Things I Did Five Years Ago (2003):

  • The first half of the year found me heading back and forth to the first of two RE’s I’ve been to. I’d spend the first two weeks of my cycles constantly at his office having blood sucked out of me. And another week of poking myself in my belly or thigh. And then waiting two weeks only to be utterly devastated and disappointed with the BFN (that would be “big fat negative” as in pregnancy test, for those that aren’t well-versed in IF-speak) which ultimately followed.
  • At the same time, I was working in leadership for the same company that I work for now. I supervised about 10 RN’s and had overall an excellent group of nurses that all worked together seamlessly. I couldn’t have asked for a better team to supervisor. And then … we (as in the other supervisor I worked closely with) made the mistake of hiring a person who just couldn’t get the hang of the job nor could she get the hang of working with a computer. I remember thinking … “For f*ck’s sake! It’s the 21st century! Somewhere down the line you must have at least worked on a typewriter or even a computer in the hospital!!” So … unfortunately, I had to let her go. It wasn’t the most pleasant feeling in the world, knowing that I was the one responsible for making her unemployed. Now … imagine having to try to train this person and ultimately having to let her go while going through stim cycles. Yeah … definitely NOT pleasant.
  • In July, I turned 31. While it’s not a milestone birthday to mark, I clearly remember this one because it’s when I decided to finally take a break from IF treatments. That weekend, we headed up to Toronto to attend, of all things, the baby shower of my husband’s cousin … whom BP (that would be “Before Pregnancy”) I felt very close to. I can clearly remember the drive up, feeling very dejected and when I think of it now, seriously depressed to the point where I couldn’t find the will to live. And I can also remember how difficult it was to hear Hubby’s extended family (whom I otherwise love dearly) sing me “Happy Birthday” when frankly, all I wanted to do was crawl up into a corner and wither away. Yeah. That bad. And the Monday after we got home from Toronto, I sought professional help and Hubby & I decided not to think about what our next step should be until the end of summer.
  • And so that next step was taken in October, when Hubby & I were referred to another RE. This is the one that ultimately diagnosed me with mild PCOS and started me on Metformin. And eventually was the one who did my one and only IVF cycle. I truly liked this RE; and if we had decided to do another IVF cycle, I would have stayed with him. … So overall, I’d have to say that 2003 totally sucked …

4 Things I Did Yesterday:

  • Woke up. D*mn … that was a miracle, considering how hellish my work week was. Let’s put it this way, last Friday I was so upset that if anyone would have asked me how I was, I would have burst in to tears. You know that feeling of wanting and knowing that you’re doing the right thing, but yet you feel like at every turn you’re hitting your head up against a bric.k wa.ll? Yeah … that’s exactly how I felt. But then I thought about the whole “Bric.k Wa.ll” analogy by Ra.ndy Pa.usch and contemplated exactly how I was going to climb over this obstacle. Still contemplating …
  • Took Hubby to dentist appointment and while he was there, ran to two different banks and the pharmacy to pick up a couple of our prescriptions.
  • Headed to the local mall to buy … da da da dum … Mother’s Day gifts for our Moms. And of course, Hubby’s sister (Tyler’s mom); but THAT gift was really from our “furbabies” to their “Auntie J” By the way … Does anybody find it strange that the majority of Sister-to-Sister Mother’s Day cards are more like “Sister with Kids” -to- “Another Sister with Kids” cards?! Yeah … personally I find that annoying. And yet another reason for an infertile to find fault with this holiday.

J’s oldest “niece,” Rain
  • Finished writing the post I started Friday night about the happenstances at the Resolve meeting AND also wrote my Mother’s Day “Woe-is-me” post. Except when I went to try to post both of them … W.ordpress decided to do some server maintenance. Dang-nabbit!

4 Shows I Love To Watch:
Okay, I confess that I do watch a lot of television during the fall and winter season. But if I had to pick my Top 4 from after the Writers’ Strike, they would have to be …

  • “Dancing with the Stars” … Yeah, I know … but hey, at least it’s not all a popularity contest like, let’s say … Am.erican I.dol
  • “Project Runway” … Yep, in this reality show, these contestants actually have to show talent and are actually being judged by professionals in the business. Definitely not a popularity contest here!
  • “Grey’s Anatomy” … Uh huh. I know. Not as good as when it first came on air. But definitely not as bad as it was just before the strike. Ugh … totally hated the whole George and Izzie plot.
  • “Smallville” … The comic book, super hero-loving geek in me is definitely something that I picked up from all the years of being with my Husband. (Okay, so maybe it started earlier, while watching the “Superfriends” cartoon every Saturday morning.) So watching a show that follows the story of Superman before he actually becomes Superman is definitely something I enjoy. Plus, seeing Tom Welling on my TV every week isn’t such a bad thing either …

4 Things I Love To Do:

  • Write. Ever since I started regularly posting to my blog, I’ve found myself mentally composing thoughts in my head. Not all of them make it to my computer screen, but many times they end up fermenting in my brain for a few days or weeks before they come out in some sort of manner. Besides, keeping up on this has kept me from bottling up my emotions like I used to. So. F*cking. Therapeutic.
  • Take random pictures. Last year for “Motherless Day” (that’s the day before Mother’s Day, at least that’s what I’ve named it), Hubby got me a newer, sleeker, easier to work digital cam that I have taken to keeping in my purse at all times. I never know when I will come across something that I might perceive as unique. Or cool. Or beautiful. And now that W.ordpress has a new template design for photoblogging, I’ve started yet another blog.
  • Hanging out at our local coffee house. This gives me a chance to collect my thoughts and get them down on “My Lappie” (nickname for my beautiful MacBook). I get waaay too distracted when I’m at home, so sitting here and taking in the people and atmosphere gets my creative juices flowing.

Hubby at one of our fave spots
  • Read, Sleep, and Eat. In no particular order, I’ve condensed Io’s top three into my last thing that I love to do. (Is that cheating?) Because seriously, without them I am totally not able to do the other three things above.

Alrighty then. I think I’ve wasted enough brain power for the afternoon. Well, actually now it’s early evening … and it’s still raining. Yuck.

Hmm … who to tag, who to tag. I think this time around I’ll ask Sheils and Hope548 to to this next!

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Can't. Hide. Forever.

Couldn't I take her to work instead?

For those of you that didn’t know, today happened to be “Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work” Day. Yet again, nothing says “Hey! Look at me!! I’m Childless!!!” whenever someone asked me why I didn’t bring my child with me today.

Uh. Perhaps because the ones I do have are the four-legged variety? And somehow, I can’t see them allowing me to bring my fur-babies in.

Lucky (or unlucky, depends how you look at it) for me, I’ve been extremely swamped at work. I’ve been doing 10-hr days / 4 days a week for well over 3 years now … and I must say that this is the first time I’ve ever wanted to work five 10-hr days in a row. That’s how much crap I have to do.

But don’t you worry (as if!), because I’m not that stupid dumb dimwitted brain dead to realize that I could work an extra day … but since I wouldn’t get paid (or otherwise compensated) for working above and beyond what I am paid to do … I say, “The hell with that! I’m gonna enjoy my three-day weekend!”

So really, the whole “kids at work” thingy didn’t bother me so much today. Seeing as I was either: a) attending my ba-zillionth meeting this week, b) chained to my corner of the world that my company designates as “my desk,” or c) hiding in my manager’s office (or under my desk) trying to sneak a few moments of blissful ignorance as to what was piling up on top of my desk.

In any case, I know that I can’t just hide forever. After all, even though infertility and being childless is currently a big part of my life … for the rest of the world (or at least the other 92% of the population), having children and raising them is always going to be a big part of their lives.

And as Monty Python would say … “And now for something completely different …”

**************************************

Happy Birthday to you, Dad!!

I am so very grateful for having you as my father.
Not a day goes by that I don’t thank my lucky stars that you’re still with us today.
It’s been a rough few months, but I have every faith in you
that you will continue to get stronger.

Love and Forever,
Your L’il Punkin

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In Case of Emergency …

Anybody else find irony in this picture?

Guess it doesn’t help that the “electric” sharpener is actually battery-operated.

Goes to show the inner workings of Nurses in an office setting … 😛

In any case, it’s amazing how going away for a short weekend can throw you completely behind in reading blogs. I mean seriously … I’ve got quite a list of posts that I haven’t been able to read since last Friday. And that doesn’t even count the ones I’ve “starred” to get back to once I came back from Chicago.

Once again … Damn that Goo.gle Reader!

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Brick Walls (Childhood Dreams, Pt 2)

Oh my … I never expected the responses and hits that my “Childhood Dreams” post about Ran.dy Pa.usch’s “Last Lecture” would stir. As of today, that post alone has had just under 100 hits. Next to my “Year of the Rat” post, that’s the most viewed entry I’ve had.

While I’m honestly not surprised that it’s been viewed that many times (after all, Ran.dy Pa.usch’s lecture is incredible … even if the one I posted was the shortened 10-minute version of the original lecture); I am surprised by one particular email/comment I got. (Click here to see the actual comment.)

Okay, so I have to admit that I originally thought someone was spamming me or pulling my leg. So I took my time in responding. And I probably wouldn’t have responded until I decided to do a little Google PI (as in“Magnum PI“… yeah, I know; stale reference) in which I found out that this particular person actually did work for one of the national TV networks.

So I responded back (the minute I found out that this wasn’t spam) telling her that, yes I was interested … but I guess I just didn’t know how my blog related to Ran.dy Pa.usch’s lecture, as my blog was primarily about my struggles through infertility. But … just as soon as I sent out the email, I received this response back:

Hi Emily,

Next Wednesday night, ABC is airing a one-hour Diane Sawyer special on Professor Pausch. We noticed that his lecture was inspirational to so many people and incidentally the effects of his words are visible all over the internet. Though your blog is about a completely different subject, there are a variety of bloggers and “vloggers” talking about Ran.dy Pa.usch’s lecture.

Initially I was hoping you could share your thoughts about Randy’s lecture on camera but plans have changed a bit here and we will not be doing anymore on-camera interviews. If you’re interested however, I invite you to create a sort of video blog in which you talk about the lecture and whether or not it has affected you in any way. Of course I understand if this is impossible but I thought I would throw the option out there. There’s always the possibility we would include a short clip in the special.

Please don’t hesitate to contact me with any questions.

Best regards,
Astrid

Aw shucks … I guess I missed my 15 minutes of fame. And while I can all hear you saying … “You should do a vlog! You should do a vlog!” To those of you that have met me IRL, I am not exactly the best person in front of a video camera … even if it is a clip of me just talking randomly into my iBook cam. For Pete’s sake … I babble enough when I write. What part of filming me babbling out loud makes for good video?! Uh … yeah. So no.

But that was just one reason why I was hesitant to do this. The other reason is that I confess that until today, I hadn’t even watched the whole 75 minute lecture (that’s still available here on you.tube, by the way). And after watching it today, I can tell you without a doubt that this lecture is In.Cred.Ible. I just found so much more inspiration in the original lecture that wasn’t even captured in the 10-minute Op.rah version.

And because work has been laying heavily on my mind lately, there were a lot of things I took out of this lecture that so relates to the whole work redesign thingy. Now … rather than go into great detail as to how it personally affects me and work (because somehow, I’m thinking it’s not such a good idea to do that here), these are the biggest nuggets I pulled out of this lecture:

  • Bosses: Respect authority while questioning it.
  • Have something to bring to the table; that way you’re always welcomed.
  • Be good at something; it makes you valuable.
  • Get the fundamentals down; otherwise the fancy stuff ain’t gonna work.
  • Don’t complain; just work harder.
  • Get a feedback loop on you and listen to it. The hardest part is not the criticism, it’s actually listening to it.
  • Apologize when you screw up. When you screw up and no one says anything to you any more, this means that they’ve given up on you.
  • Focus on others and not yourself.
  • Loyalty is a two-way street.
  • In order to get people to help you, you should always tell the truth, be earnest and show gratitude to those who help you.
  • Find the best in everybody; no mater how long you have to wait for them to show it. You might have to have to wait a long time … sometimes years … but people will eventually show you their good side.
  • You can’t get there (achieving your dream) alone, believe in karma. When you do the right thing, good stuff has a way of happening.
  • Sometimes things are just what they are. These are the cards that are dealt; we just got to know how to play the hand.
  • Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
  • Never lose the child-like wonder; it’s just too important. It’s what drives us.

Yes … and this isn’t even all of those nuggets Ran.dy Pa.usch threw out there. There was so much more. But since the primary focus of this blog is about infertility, I do want to bring up that many of what he says can certainly apply to the struggles we face with infertility.

Okay, so the whole “Don’t complain; just work harder” and “Focus on others and not yourself” seems like a crock when we all know how much we’ve worked at and have thought of others while still trying to achieve our goal of producing our biological child. But there are other nuggets that do apply. Take for instance the whole “Get the fundamentals down; otherwise the fancy stuff ain’t gonna work.” Hello?! Think of the fancy stuff as IVF and IUI. H*ll yeah, you’ve gotta know what the basics are in order to find the “optimum conditions” to get knocked up.

Throughout the lecture, there was this analogy of a “bric.k wa.ll” that Professor Pausch kept referring back to. He verbalized that bric.k wa.lls are there for a reason. And that reason is to let us prove how badly we want to achieve our dreams. They’re also there to stop those who don’t want things badly enough; these are the people that the bric.k wa.ll is trying to keep out. The bric.k wa.ll lets us show how dedicated we are to our dreams.

The “Bric.k Wa.ll” analogy is the one thing in particular that I feel can best relate to and impact those struggling with infertility. Nothing like coming up against a bric.k wa.ll when one finds out that they’re having difficulty trying to conceive a baby. Nothing like trying to overcome any obstacle to to try to achieve that dream. Nothing like showing dedication to this dream by subjecting ourselves to many blood draws and needle sticks and test after test just to get a positive pregnancy test. Nothing like doling out boocoo bucks in order to pay for all these treatments; many of whom don’t even have a health insurance plan that will pay for it. And that’s just the aspect of trying to get pregnant.

Then there’s the other aspect of adoption. Again, nothing like climbing over that bric.k wa.ll by subjecting ourselves to home studies in order to determine if we’re worthy to adopt a child. Nothing like coming upon that bric.k wa.ll by putting ourselves out there to potential birth mothers or countries, as if to advertise ourselves like a singles ad:

“Mid 30’s couple seeks an open relationship with a birth mother who is willing to let couple raise her baby as their own.”

Or better yet, a want ad:

“Happily married couple looking for a country that is willing to provide a child to raise in the USA (infant preferred, but other situations negotiable).”

And of course, nothing else says dedication by coming up with creative ways to finance the adoption and then place the money up front, trusting that things will work out.

There is currently a movie out right now called “Run Fatboy Run“ starring Simon Pegg (of “Shaun of the Dead” fame). In the movie there is another analogy of the “Bric.k Wa.ll.” It refers to the point during a marathon when a runner figuratively comes up against the a bric.k wa.ll. It’s the point when the runner is both physically and mentally exhausted. When the way a shoe is tied or the way the shorts rub up against the skin is shear agony. Where every forward step taken feels like a million tiny scalpels are tearing you to shreds. It’s at that time the runner has to decide if he or she is mentally capable of forging through the bric.k wa.ll … or too weak to continue forward.

When it comes to that childhood dream I mentioned in my previous post … you know, the one about being able to nurture my child and to encourage him/her to dream big … I am currently facing that “Bric.k Wa.ll.” I have gone through the medical aspect of infertility; the work-up, the almost-daily blood tests, the ultrasounds. All that plus the failed IVF attempt. Then there were (and currently are) all the pregnancies of friends and family over the past ten years that I’ve had to face head on. And still, I have nothing to show for the miles I’ve already ran in this marathon. Talk about banging your head against a bric.k wa.ll.

So here I stand in front of this “Bric.k Wa.ll” (where I’ve been for the past ten years), knowing what I need to do next. And here I am trying to gather enough strength, both mentally and physically, to plow through (or climb over) that d*mn wall. If that isn’t dedication to my dream, then I don’t know what is.

One last nugget of inspiration from Ran.dy Pa.usch before I finally end this incredibly long post (I applaud anyone that has gotten to this point) …

“Don’t bail on your dream. The best gold is at the bottom of barrels of crap.”