Apron Strings for Emily

14 February 2010

Blessings & Curses

I know it’s a little late, but Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone.

Since Hubby & I knew we’d be spending the day traveling back to Chicago, we had our “date night” last night. So what did we do? Well, nothing special … other than a very simple dinner and a trip to the movie theater to see the latest romantic comedy, “Valentine’s Day.”

The movie was cute and definitely enjoyable. I loved all the different vigniettes and how they were all interconnected (or tied) to one another. However, there was something about this movie that wasn’t quite up to par with my all-time favorite romantic comedy, “Love, Actually.” Maybe it’s the Brit humor, but I just seem to like how that story unfolds better.

Let’s see … what else? Oh yes; Emily is finally “Back in Black.” Meaning, of course that my “Pepe Le Pew” white stripes from my grey hair is finally back to being completely black. Yeah, I know … I really should be dyeing my hair after 2-3 months. But the cheapskate in me doesn’t want to shell out the money to do it.

I know, I know … I could always do it myself; buy the dye from the local drug store and spend a Saturday night “washing my hair.” Except there is no way that I’d be able to dye it myself without getting hair dye all over the counter and floor. At least with the amount of hair that I have, anyway.

I consider myself “blessed” to have a head full of extra-thick coarse hair. And despite the fact that I use “extra-strength” hair dye with all that ammonia and other fumes, my hair is pretty darn healthy. Not that I mean to boast about my hair, but I’ve been told by many-a-person that they would kill to have my head of hair.

Except, with this blessing also comes “the curse.” And my curse just happens to be gray hair. I blame genetics and heredity for my prematurely graying. Both my parents started graying in their late 20’s/early 30’s … and me? Well, I started graying in my mid-20’s; progressively getting worse each year to where I truly could look like the Bride of Frankenstein if I go too long between hair appointments. But at least I have a head-full of hair that definitely keeps my head warm in the winter time!

Anyway, the whole “blessing and curse” thing about my hair had me thinking of my other blessing/curse; especially since today is the day all about love.

First the blessing: I consider the fact that I married my best friend my # 1 blessing in life. And the fact that I found him early in my life is just a huge bonus. Because really … who better to grow up and grow old with, and share all life’s adventures with than your best friend?

And now the curse: No surprise that the curse is our inability to have children of our own. It’s just frustratingly disappointing that Hubby & I won’t be able to experience one of the biggest grand adventures in life. But I suppose that as long as Hubby’s by my side, every day will be a grand adventure.

It’s strange to actually write those last two sentences on my blog. For years, it’s always been about how unfair it was that Hubby & I couldn’t have children. After all we have such a great relationship and would make such great parents. However, the older I get (and the further distance I put between myself and my childlessness), the more I begin to appreciate the so-called “Grand Adventure” that infertility has provided Hubby & me.

It’s because of IF that I’ve begun to realize that life is full of such “blessings” and “curses.” For every negative aspect of life, there must be an equally positive aspect.

And it’s also because of IF that I’ve discovered that life is about finding balance in everything. That whatever aspect or experience in life that might bring us down … there is yet another aspect or experience in life that will lift us up. The key just happens to be in finding this balance.

So I think that’s what I’m going to try to do with every unsettling situation I run into, regardless of whether it’s my personal or professional life (or even my checkbook!). I’m going to try to find the counterbalance in any aggrevating circumstance. Perhaps this will get me more into that Zen state that I’ve been trying to achieve for years …

Oh, and because it happens to coincide with this year’s Valentine’s Day, Happy Chinese New Year to you. May the Year of the Tiger bring you much happiness and prosperity!

13 February 2010

All "Kidding" Aside …

Hubby & I are back in Michigan for the weekend. It’s kinda nice to be back, although I do believe that the weather report exaggerated exactly how much snow that they supposedly got. I mean really … Chicago got a whopping 12.6 inches in 24hrs last week, so I was expecting at least 10-12 inches here as well. But nope; it looks like there was only about 4 inches outside of our house.

It’s funny though, because after experiencing the snow storm in Chicago last week, I realize how much I could actually survive in a city where there is a lot of walking involved. Especially that walk from work to the El station, and the El station to our apartment. Or when needing to take our puppy out for a walk.

Oh trust me, it was tiring walking in a foot of snow, but it’s so different from winter life here in Michigan where the longest walk would be from my car to the front door of my (previous) office building. Or the longest amount of time I’d have to be outside was to shovel the driveway and sidewalk.

Anyway, the reason we are back in town this weekend was to celebrate our friends’ daughter’s 1st birthday. This particular couple has survived the the throes of infertility and have managed to get a totally awesome daughter in the process. A-girl is such a good-natured girl; always smiling and engaging everyone that comes in contact with her. Even in the midst of her birthday party when we could tell she was getting really sleepy, she still would smile and allow others to hold and carry her.

And as A-girl sat in our lap today, both Hubby & I couldn’t help but be amazed with her. We let her play with my iPhone and were quite surprised by how her little chubby fingers could flip through my photo album. Then we let her play Bejeweled 2 for the phone, and were shocked when we saw how successful she was … especially since her dad happens to be the one person‘s score I aim to beat every week on Facebook.

Also at this party was Cutie Girl; the same precocious little girl who always asks us about our dog and our cats. She is so sassy and smart that I can’t help but be taken in by her incredibly large personality.

So, as usual, she spent a whole 45 minutes or so with us, talking about our pets and what we could do to get her “Daddy” to agree to get one for her. I swear, this kid … if she continues to have that fearlessness and confidence about her … could very well be someone important and/or famous in the future. She’s just one of these kids that people just naturally gravitate to!

And yes, I also got to see my beautiful niece Kairi. She is growing so fast now! Except, well … since we didn’t get enough time to spend with just her, she wasn’t exactly in a “playful” mood with her Auntie & Uncle. And that kinda bummed me out.

Part of me thinks that the reason Kairi is like this around me is because she’s just not “used” to us … after all, she only sees us during major family gatherings. But then there’s the other part of me that thinks that the events that unfolded after her birth had a part to play with my relationship with her. It’s like … I don’t know … she unconsciously (or even consciously) knows that there was a major strain between her mom & me immediately following her birth.

I think there’s this incredible Catholic guilt feeling that feeds that train of thought. It’s the same thought I had during my SIL’s pregnancy with Liam and his consequent passing: that the circumstances surrounding Liam’s short life was a result of my feelings of jealousy over my SIL’s pregnancy. And similar to that, my lack of “connection” with Kairi is a result of the loss of connection with her mom following her birth. Realistically I know that none of it is true, but there are those days … like today …that these thoughts are stronger that usual.

I know I haven’t talked much lately about how my relationship with my SIL has been. It’s partly because I’ve learned from certain “foot in mouth” statements that certain things are best left off of Blog Land. But it’s mostly because things have been rather quiet and low key amongst the two of us. I’d like to think that we’ve reached a silent “truce” of sorts … that we’ve managed to move forward in fixing those severed ties.

I don’t think things will ever be a 100% better between SIL and me; but I do know that I’ve since learned a lot about myself since then. And one of them is knowing that I’m strong enough to move past the anger and hurt and resentment I felt for so long. Sure there will always be times where I might just shake my head at certain activities or actions, but I’m quite sure she probably has those same moments when thinking about me, as well. And I’m really, truly okay with that.

If anything, being in a room full of children under the age of 7 proves that I’m finally at that stage in my IF journey where I can start to let things go and accept things for what they are. And it, quite remarkably, feels good.

10 February 2010

I'm Bringing ___ Back

Oh yes, I’m at it again; listening to the smut that is morning talk radio.

Yesterday’s topic revolved, once again, around compliments. Except instead of “back-handed” ones, this time around it was what a woman would love to hear her significant other say to her.

It started with the comment that apparently Sarah Silverman had made about her new boyfriend. She said ,”I think he’s the first guy in a decade who’s given me any kind of compliment, like saying I’m pretty or anything.”

Which, of course, had the men on the morning show saying, “Yeah, like pretty okay , that is.” And I admit, I chuckled a bit. But then I thought, “Well, yeah, she could be pretty …” Which was exactly what the women on the radio voiced as well. Then men on the show countered that the women’s response was the male version of “pretty okay.”

Of course, the men were right in that statement. So from there, the discussion went on to what women would absolutely love to here from their significant other. Specifically, what ONE word would you love to hear at the end of this phrase: “You are so ___.”

370 — Hubby tryin' to catch me all sexy 'n sh*t ...

So of course Hubby turned to me and said, “What would you want to hear me say?”

I sat next to him in the passenger seat quietly contemplating that same thought. And finally after being pestered for a few minutes, I finally answered with: “I need one word to cover both smart and sexy.”

And Hubby turned to me, grinning ear-to-ear, and said,”Smexy?”

Uh, no. Somehow, I had this peculiar impression of … I don’t know. Smelly and … well, you get the point.

Consequently, I spent all day yesterday and this morning trying to come up with the one word that could tie both smart and sexy together. And the only word that I could think of is Captivating.

And now, oh Bloggie Friends … what ONE word would you love to hear?

08 February 201013 June 2015

Tears Like Diamonds

One of my favorite characters is back for the season finale of Heroes tonight. As I sit here watching the show, I can’t help but think of how much Hiro reminds me of my Hubby.

On the drive to work during a warm September morning last year, Hubby & I heard that song “Her Diamonds” on the radio. I had heard the song off of Rob Thomas’ latest album many times last summer and was looking forward to seeing him in concert later in October.

However there was something about hearing that song on that morning with the sun rising off Lake Michigan that had me truly listening to the lyrics.

“Her Diamonds” talks about a woman who has reached her limits; who has gotten to the point where she doesn’t know what else to do but cry. And because the song is written from a man’s perspective, we get to hear how he deals with the emotions this woman is going through.

It’s amazing how certain songs can elicit the most visceral reactions. “Hero” by Enrique Iglesias is definitely one of those songs that will always be tied to the incredibly enduring love I have for my Hubby. And now, after finally understanding the lyrics behind his song, Rob Thomas’ “Her Diamonds” will, too.

That morning with Hubby sitting in the driver’s seat, I couldn’t help but squeeze the hand that held mine just a little tighter. Because those lyrics that Rob Thomas sings … well, they’re everything I’ve ever imagined my husband’s thoughts and emotions were during the most difficult parts of our Infertility journey.

And Honey? Just so you know, having you in my life holding my hand and heart … that’s all I can ever ask of you when my “diamonds” start falling down.

07 February 2010

Milestones

Yay! Made it through the first week of posting daily … and now I need to get through 3 more weeks. I can do this … I can do this …

Well, especially since I really should be spending this “lazy” Sunday afternoon actually doing those every day tasks I should be doing at work. Like getting some weekly case reviews together, and calculating … oh, who cares ?!

Point is, work’s network decided that I spent enough time at my work desk yesterday that I’m not able to log in remotely today. At least one of us is looking out for my sanity …

So instead I get to spend the afternoon writing today’s post earlier than 7 pm at night.

And today’s post is one that I should have written on Wednesday, but honestly knew I wouldn’t have the time I really wanted to spend on writing it. So today’s the day.

Last Wednesday would have been my Grandma Rose’s 100th birthday. And while I know Grandma is in a better place, I can’t help but be just a little sad that she wasn’t here to celebrate this milestone birthday with us.

About a year and half ago, all of the Aunts and Uncles started plans to organize a “family reunion” in the Philippines, just in time for my Grandma’s 100th birthday. By this time, I had already been in contact with quite a few of my cousins on Facebook. We had all talked about surprising her by making the trip out to the Philippines just to be there for this special birthday. But by Christmas time 2008, Grandma was beginning her decline and plans had been put on hold. And then Good Friday rolled around, and then Grandma was no longer her with us on Earth.

© Reena Rose Sibayan — Picture of my Grandma Rose from my cousin Reena ... Click on the picture to see her website!

I think about what this loss means to me and to my relationship with my Mom’s side of the family. She was the string that TIED all of us Aunts and Uncles and cousins together; the common bond that we all shared. It would have been incredible to go to this “family reunion” and spend time with all my cousins and Aunts and Uncles. As it is now, most of my Mom’s side of the family live on the East coast or are still back in the Philippines, so we rarely see them anyway. I just happened to get lucky by keeping in touch with a few of them on Facebook. But sometimes … especially when you actually know the person IRL … well, sometimes it’s just much better to be able to spend “real” time with them.

Anyway, even though it will be a year this coming April, not a day goes by where I don’t think of my Grandma Rose.

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On completely separate note … I must say that today I’ve reached a milestone of my own.
Just shy of three years, I’ve officially written my 300th post. Go me!!