Category: Marriage

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When it Rains …

Last night after coming home from the hospital, Hubby & I climbed into bed and quickly fell asleep. I had strange dreams of kitty cats attacking me (they’ve been “banished” from the bedroom from Hubby for “bad behavior.” And they’ve been meowing incessantly to get into the comfy bed with me) and of waking up late and missing my Dad’s pacemaker procedure in the morning. (Can we say I’m just a little stressed?!)

At around 3 am, Hubby woke me up from a pretty deep slumber asking me for some assistance. “Huh?!,” I said groggily. What kind of help would he need at 3-frickin’ o’clock in the morning?!

“The heater’s not working,” Hubby informed me. “And I need some help looking at our furnace.” And sure enough, it was colder than Joe Louis Arena during a Red Wings game. 52 degrees, in fact (which, considering it was in the 20’s outside, is quite a bit chilly).

So after clanking around in the basement for a bit, we ended up looking up our local heating & cooling company and calling them to make a service call first thing in the morning.

Except they didn’t come until close to 10:30 am. And by then, my poor kitties and”puppy” were chilled. And Hubby & I were downright frozen to the bone … despite the fact we were bundled in as much clothing as possible.

Geesh. When it rains … it certainly pours.

On a happier note, my nephew Tyler turned twelve today. This, of course, also means that I will have been married 12 years ago this coming August. Which means it will be oh … approximately 11.5 years since we’ve been TTC. Sigh …

Regardless, I wish Tyler a HAPPY 12th BIRTHDAY!

Your Uncle & Auntie Em love you “To Infinity and Beyond …. “
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Blogiversary

Thanks AGAIN for everyone’s well wishes for my Dad’s speedy recovery. I am so incredibly grateful for all the blove (blog love) I’ve received. I will update you on my Dad’s condition in another post, but today I figured I’d blog about something else.

I just got done reading BabyBound‘s latest post, and it reminded me that a year ago this month is when I started blogging. Okay, so officially it’s not until March 17th but … whatever.

Anyhoo … the reason BabyBound’s post reminded me of my blogiversary was because she was talking about the reason why she started her blog. And what has transpired (or hasn’t transpired) since taking a break from fertility treatments.

For me, the reason I started this blog was to find an outlet to express how frustrated I was with my infertility. At this time last year, I was going through quite a bit of angst and frustration. Shall we recap? Yeah, why not.

  1. Mid-March would be the 3rd anniversary of my one (and only) failed attempt at IVF. Since then, I had not done anything active to pursue further infertility treatments. Nor was I moving forward in any direction towards adoption. It terrified me to move forward (and in some ways, it still does today).
  2. My SIL, who had just gotten remarried less than a year ago at that time, was already 5 months pregnant. And, of course, after trying for well-over 10 years to start our own family, I fell into a deep dark abyss of feeling like shit.
  3. Same SIL found out just two weeks prior that her baby was showing signs of abnormalities (US was indicative of a cleft lip and omphalocele) and of course, I was feeling guilty that I probably caused it by all my horrible feelings of jealousy and anger.
  4. The slimmest of slim possibilities of a quick and painless Philippine adoption was quickly and ceremoniously stripped away. (Come to think of it, I don’t think I even blogged about that. Hmmm … maybe a post for another time.)

So yeah … I think I had enough to vent about and just had to find an outlet for it all. And hence, Apron Strings for Emily was born.

A year later, I’m still writing. And I’ve enjoyed writing. It’s given me an opportunity to share and exchange information and emotions with people that I’ve never met IRL (in real life). And even those IRL people that do read my blog, it’s an opportunity for them to read exactly what I’m going through. Because in my real life, I’m not good at showing my real emotions.

And a year later, this is what’s going on in relation to the above-mentioned recaps:

  1. Yep; it will be the 4th anniversary of our IVF attempt. I’m still saddened by it, but the grief has lessened considerably since last year. I still have no desire to pursue any further IF treatments, but instead am now dealing with the return of some unfriendly and unwanted GYN issues.
  2. My SIL remained pregnant and in May (at 31 weeks), prematurely delivered Liam. In his short life (he lived only 4 months), he touched all of our lives with his beautiful eyes and incredible strength.
  3. Same SIL announced this past January that she is once again pregnant (and due in August). Yes, it still hurts. No I didn’t fall into that abyss again. I’m dealing with it the best I can , which is to accept it for what it is. I do have to add that this time around, SIL has been wonderfully conscious about how her pregnancy affects me … and for that I am grateful.
  4. Adoption. Yes, this is our next step and I’m actively taking baby steps to get there. I’m still quite overwhelmed, but taking even just these little steps is more than I have taken in the four years since our failed IVF.

So, if you’ve kept reading to the end of this post … I applaud you. And I thank you. Thanks for being the ears (or in this case, the eyes) that I’ve needed to get past the most difficult times in my life this past year. I’ve learned that I am not alone in feeling the way I do. I’ve learned that others also share the same warmth, compassion and empathy that I have. I’ve learned that I am a much stronger person that I give myself credit for. I’ve learned that my husband continues to be and will always be my best friend in the world. And I’ve learned that blogging is therapeutic for my soul.

Happy Blogiversary to me!!

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Hearts A-Flutter

Well, I know I’ve been pretty down for the past few posts. But I decided that today I’d try to be a bit cheerier. Especially since it’s Valentine’s Day.

Never mind that it was my day off and I didn’t bother getting out of bed until well after noon. Or that I had little energy to do anything other than to run to the kitchen and bathroom for necessary activities.

Another Sketch by
My Talented Hubby

But the wonderful thing about that was I spent the morning snuggling with the kitties, reading some blogs, and watching some great TV (classic episodes of ER with Drs. Greene, Ross, Benton and Lewis along with Carol).

And tonite, Hubby is taking me out to dinner. That’s in addition to the roses he had delivered at work yesterday. (Woo-hoo! I trumped the “I’m a new Grandma” ooh’s & ahh’s … how bad am I?) I am truly very lucky and blessed to have married such a wonderful man.

So Hubby … if I don’t tell you enough, I love you and I’m so happy that you are in my life. You are my world and words aren’t enough to express exactly how much your love mean to me. Your strength and patience with me means more than you’ll ever know. You hold the key to my heart.

Happy Valentines Day!

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"PS I Love You" … and Other Emotions

I love the book, “PS I Love You” by Cecilia Ahern. I picked it up used at the local B&N a few years ago, just in time to bring it with me to our trip to Seattle. And as I was sitting on the plane reading the book, I would need to dig through my purse just to find a napkin or a piece of tissue paper just to wipe all the fallen tears. It was THAT good of a book for me.

When I found out that they were making the book into a movie … let alone starring Hilary Swank, playing the lead character, Holly Kennedy … I had my apprehensions. First of all, the book was supposed to be based in Ireland and yet the movie is in NYC. Second, it was starring Hilary Swank. Don’t get me wrong … she’s awesome in any of her Academy Award performances, but I just didn’t see her playing Holly.

What got me to the theater instead, was them darn trailers. That and seeing that not only Denny (from Grey’s Anatomy) was in it, but Gerard Butler (King Leonides from “300”) was playing the husband. Yum. (Yes, along with Johnny Depp … I have a sick fascination for certain celebs.)

One weekend, I dragged Hubby to the theater to see it. And honestly, although there are parts of the movie that aggrevated me, I did like the movie. It certainly does not follow the plot exactly to the specifications of the book (I mean, really … what book-to-film movie ever does …), but it highlights much of the same core emotions that got me in the book. There’s one scene in particular that totally got me. It’s one of those rare situations where seeing it on film right in front of you is ten times better than reading the book.

(If you’re wanting to see the movie and/or read the book, I suggest you skip the next two paragraph.)

*
 At this point in the movie, Holly is on a weekend trip with her girlfriends, all set up and paid for by her husband prior to his death. Her one friend just confessed that she was finally getting married. Her other friend also confesses that she’s (finally) pregnant. The look on Holly’s face said it all. While she was happy for them, she couldn’t help but be sad for herself. Then after the initial “Yay! We’re so excited about the news in our lives!” the subject was suddenly and akwardly dropped.

What’s more is later, Holly overhears her friends in the other room still overly excited about each other’s announcement and hears them planning for the next stage in their lives. It was nonstop chatter, while Holly stood there just looking utterly sad and alone.

*

At that point in the movie, I just completely lost it. Tears were streaming down my face while Hubby held me tight. I turned to him at that point and said, “I know exactly how she feels.”

And I totally did. It’s that feeling of emptiness inside of me. That black hole that some days I think will never be filled up. And in certain circumstances, the more happiness other people have in their lives, the deeper I feel like climbing into that big black abyss and just not resurfacing until all the excitement dies down.

It’s not because I’m being selfish (as later on in the movie, it was pointed out to Holly that she acting that way … pissed me off, too. Grrr …) or that I’m not happy for the other person. It’s not even jealousy that drives me to feel that way. It’s the feeling that I should be able to have some of that happiness too. That I’m entitled to have those type of exciting moments in my life as well.

Yes, I can hear people say … “Well, you can’t just expect happiness to happen. You have to make those moments happen for yourself.” And that’s where I say to that person, “What makes you think that I haven’t tried?”

I have put myself through everything possible to become pregnant with my Hubby & my biological child. I have had enough procedures to “clear” me out to last me a lifetime. I have suffered through months of poking myself with needles to help create the “optimum conditions” to impregnate me. I have dealt with month after month after years of hope at the beginning of my cycle followed by failure at the end of my cycle. I suffered the ultimate blow with my one failed attempt at IVF. I feel I have spent enough time and money and emotions of trying to get to that happiness. And yet here I am, barren and still childless.

So don’t tell me that I haven’t tried to create that biological child of mine … that exciting moment I’ve been wanting for the past ten-plus years. And don’t tell me that I’m being selfish for feeling as angry as I do at those times. And please please PLEASE don’t say to me, “Well, you could always adopt.” The truth is, we are looking into that option, but I still need to grieve the fact that I cannot produce my own biological child. And I will never know what it’s like to be pregnant. And I will never know what it’s like to breast-feed. The fact that I won’t be able to even announce to our family and friends that Hubby & I are pregnant is enough to grieve.

So please allow me have those moments of sadness and anger about my childless situation. And please, even though I find it difficult to talk about … push me to do so. Because, while it’s ten times easier to write or blog about it, sometimes having the physical human touch behind it makes me feel less alone and more loved.

PS Thanks for letting me vent.

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Twas the Week After Christmas

So it’s been a couple of weeks since I last posted. But believe me, it’s only because the past weeks have been hectic, especially with the holidays. I mean, it’s gotta tell you something about my general lack of time (or energy) if Hubby & I didn’t even bother to send out any Christmas cards, let alone put up our Christmas tree, this year. However, unlike last year (when I didn’t even want to celebrate the season), it’s more because I simply ran out of time.

A Picture of all the hats I made

The weeks leading up to Christmas was spent trying to get some shopping done amidst trying to organize all of the knitted and crocheted hats my co-workers and I made for for premie babies and chemo kids. If you can believe it, we donated over one hundred-twenty hats to the local hospital… the very one my nephew, Liam, spent all his days at. I invited my SIL along to drop of the hats at the hospital on the Friday before Christmas. We visited the NICU and delivered the hats along with a sweet treat for the nurses that my SIL brought. After all, the whole meaning behind making the premie caps was to honor my nephew. I hope that we did him justice. And I truly hope that it helped my SIL to start closing this sad chapter in her life. At least that was my intent when I invited her that day. In any case, this project of mine certainly kept me busy enough … but it truly helped me get into the giving spirit of which is Christmas.

Aren’t we cute?

Hubby & I managed to spend the weekend before Christmas wrapped up in our own little “bubble.” And while the majority of it was spent buying those last minute gifts and then boxing and wrapping every single one of those presents, we still managed to find time to spend precious time to celebrate Christmas and exchange our gifts together. Every year, that precious time together is all important for the two of us. Especially (as I mentioned in a previous post) since we know that the next few days is going to be spent with family.

This year, instead of our usual Christmas Eve madness (both of our families tend to celebrate the Eve instead of the Day), my in-laws planned on doing lunch on Christmas Day so we weren’t feeling so rushed. And my side was planning on going to midnight mass on the Eve and then open gifts afterwards. However as usual, my side decided to change things at the last minute (or at least not tell me until the last minute) and celebrate lunch on Christmas Day instead.

And Tyler just LOVES his gifts

And with that said, I do have to thank God that my in-laws are pretty accomodating; because they did, at the last minute, change their celebration to dinnertime. It was a low-key event at their house this year, as many of his family that live in our area was out of town. But nonetheless, it’s always fun watching my nephew, Tyler, getting excited as he opens his gifts. Lucky boy this year got a PS2 from Santa with some new games and toys from us. Since his old GameCube no longer make new games, he was so happy to get a new system with new games that he didn’t want to let go of them despite the fact that he was getting tired.

My Dad’s side of my Family

My side of the family spent lunch time on Christmas Day at my Aunt’s house. I have to say that I was really looking forward to it because it was going to be the first time in a long time that all of my Dad’t brothers and sisters (along with many, but not all, of their kids) were going to be together in the same room. I have to honestly give props to my younger cousins for putting this together as (knowing how lovingly dysfunctional my family can be) none of this would have been planned without them. And I also have to give credit to my older cousin who came up with the idea to put together a photo album of all of the cousins throughout the year to present as a Christmas gift to our grandmother. It turned out to be a hit with not only my grandmother, but with all our parents, who didn’t know we were putting it together.

The photo collage on the front of my Grandmother’s Gift

So that’s the story of our Christmas this year. I honestly had a wonderful time this year, as compared to last year. And spending time with my cousins was probably the highlight of the holiday. That, and of course, the wonderfully awesome gifts that my dear Hubby got me.

To see more pictures of our holidays, check out my album:

Christmas 2007