Category: Musings

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Happy Birthday, Flo!

I know I’m a little late, but Happy Nurses Day to all those esteemed Nurses and Nursing Students and Aides out there.

Yes … I know that last Wednesday was the start of Nurses Week, but if you recall from last year … the actual day for Nurses is on Florence Nightingale’s birthday. And that day is/was today, the 12th of May.

Since usually the first couple weeks in May I use Nurses Week as a distraction for another “holiday” in May, I’m finding it quite ironic that I ended up being okay with Mother’s Day this year.

It’s been a really strange Nurses Week this year for obvious reasons. Seeing that I’m currently not employed, it’s not that I’ve had any reason to celebrate.

I know, I know … I can hear y’all asking why I’m not already employed elsewhere … especially since RN’s are in “high demand” all the time. Well, it’s because of the type of career I’ve chosen with my Nursing Degree.

I could go back to the hospital and be a “Floor Nurse” again; but there are a couple things that have me hesitant to do this. First of all, it’s been well over ten years since I’ve done any type of bedside nursing (unless you count taking care of a sick Hubby … ). And in just that amount of time, the acuity of care that one patient requires has more than quadrupled. I’m pretty sure that I can no longer keep up with the amount of physical and mental work it takes to work in the “war zones.” (And trust me … any given day can be as chaotic as a war zone!)

Besides the lack of physical stamina (and probably knowledge of new technology), the other reason I’m fearful to go back to the floors is because of a previous back injury. While I’m pretty sure I’m perfectly fine with lifting things greater than 50 lbs now, a year after my disk surgery I was limited to lifting no more than 25 lbs. I’m just incredibly terrified that if I do any constant lifting on a daily basis, I will re-injure myself. So yeah, heavy lifting is my other fear.

Instead, I’m looking for jobs that fit my career as an RN Case Manager; something that I’m more versed and comfortable at. And since I’ve had lots of supervisory experience, I’m also looking for things within Case Management where I can utilize those talents as well.

So on my job search, I’ve stumbled on quite a few positions I’m interested. All from the various states that I’ve been looking at. (Uhm, that would be IL, MI, OR and WA.) Surprisingly, I already received two phone calls from West Coast locations … I definitely thought that wouldn’t happen so quickly.

And while Hubby & I would love to jump ship and move straight away to Oregon or Washington … the reality is that we still have a house in Michigan and rent through August in Illinois. So moving to the West Coast now would only put us further behind financially. But the good thing is that I’ve received good contacts and recruiters looking for RN Case Managers in Portland and Seattle … so when we’re ready to move, I’ll have someone to contact.

Then there’s two other positions that have definitely piqued my interest. Both are opportunities that would allow me to be more flexible in where I live. One of them is a leadership role for another health insurance company that would have me supervising a staff of work-at-home employees … the benefit of which means that I could also work from home. A definite plus; especially if we need to move out of Chicago by the time our lease runs out in August.

And since the responsibilities of this job would be similar to what I was previously doing before my early departure from the last company, I’m guessing my learning curve won’t be as severe. (Knock on wood.) I’ve already heard from the Hiring Manager for this position and hope to have an interview scheduled with the actual department that’s hiring soon.

The other opportunity is one that I really really like. It’s one that I had thought about transitioning to do in my previous job back in Michigan, but the opportunity never came up; at least locally. And the reason I was interested in moving over to this career is because it combined my love of clinical knowledge and my love of teaching. So right there were two things that had me automatically applying for the job when I first saw the on-line posting.

Yes, this is ME as a Student Nurse

The other one that has me wanting this job is the fact that I can pretty much live anywhere I want to, as long as I was close to any major airport. So again, I could work out of Chicago or Michigan … or even Seattle or Portland, once we get out that way. The only downside would be the amount of traveling I’d have to do during the week; but hey … at least I don’t have kids to worry about! (The irony does not escape me.) I’ve also heard back from this company and am hoping for an interview soon.

So please, oh internet buddies … if any of you have a direct line with the Man Upstairs, I’d really appreciate it if you could put a good word in for me. Because this second (going on third) week of unemployment is starting to get old.

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The List

Dr. Bro & Me in the Late 70's

I have this habit of making lists. Maybe it’s the John-Cusack-character-from-“High Fidelity” in me, but I just like trying to mentally put things in order.

Now, these types of lists aren’t your typical “grocery” or “To Do” lists … these are the type of lists where I can grab information from various sources and disseminate them into some sort of order.

For instance, I can take all the concerts I’ve been to in my life (too many to count) and come up with the top 5 concerts I’ve been to thus far. (INXS 1986, Depeche Mode 1988, Sisters of Mercy 1991, Underworld, and the Pixies 2004).

Or I can take a project I’m working on and come up with a fact-driven list of pros and cons to making a change to a particular work process. Either way, making these lists helps me organize my thoughts into some functioning and working order.

Yeah. I’m that much of an uber-geek.

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Dr. Bro & Me in the early 80's with Muffin

Last night, I received some incredible news. One that I’m – without a doubt – very excited about.

Last night I received the news that Dr. Bro and Dr. SIL are expecting.

I’ve honestly been anticipating this news for quite some time now; as Dr. SIL and I have had conversations about this same topic in the recent past. And, genuinely couldn’t be more than ecstatic for the two of them.

As I spoke with Dr. Bro on the phone last night, he oh-so-gently asked me if I was okay with this. Especially since he has been known to read my blog, and may have some idea of the subsequent reactions I’ve had with previous pregnancy announcements and birth.

Dr. Bro & Me on my Wedding Day, 1996

Without hesitation, I answered that I was perfectly okay with the news. But I also cautioned him that there may be days where I might be more snarky than usual. And if I was … then he should know that it is in no way directed at either him or Dr. SIL. I also told him that if I got too much, both of them had every right to smack me upside my head.

After hanging up with Dr. Bro, I sat quietly and let the news sink in … which, as any infertile should know, is never a good thing. As all these thoughts and emotions came at me fast and furiously, I found myself writing them down.

When I was done, I discovered that I unconsciously wrote down one of my “fact-based” lists. Except it wasn’t a “Top 5” list; nor was it a “Pro/Con” list. No … this list had me separating my negative emotions/thoughts about Dr. Bro’s recent announcement from the positive ones. And afterward, I put this list away hoping to revisit it again this morning with a clear head.

So this morning, I re-read my list. And what I found from my list was that I had more “positive” emotions than “negative.” I had more reasons to be “happy” and “excited” about this pregnancy than I had reasons to be sad.

Dr. Bro & Me on his Wedding Day, 2006

While this might not seem much to someone who has never experienced infertility … this was a major breakthrough for me. Because for once in my infertile life, I somehow know I’ll be able to survive this pregnancy (and hopefully with my dignity still intact afterward). Seeing my fact -based list will help me through this time.

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So … what did my list look like? What thoughts ran through my head after finding out about Dr. Bro and Dr. SIL pregnancy? Well, in case you were interested …

Negative:

  • Yet another pregnancy that I’ll never experience.
  • When my Dad goes to the Philippines, he’ll be “rightfully” bragging about it. Which will inevitably bring up the question about whether Hubby & I have any children.
  • There will be moments where I’ll unexpectedly feel blue. Or empty.
  • This will be a gift to my parents that I’ll never be able to give.
I've never seen my brother SO happy than on his Wedding Day

Positive:

  • I’m actually going to be related by blood to this child.
  • Although I’ve been “Auntie Em” to Hubby’s nephews and niece … I’m officially going to be “Auntie Em” to this child.
  • Part of my genetic makeup, even though it’s not my DNA, will be passed on to this child.
  • I’ll finally get to see some of that “Nature vs. Nurture” from my side of the family.
  • I’m in a much better frame of mind (not to mention acceptance ) in where I’m at in my Infertility Journey than I was back at the end of 2008.
  • Although I feel “close” to Dr. SIL, we’re not as close – nor do we have years and years of history – as Hubby’s sister and I do.
  • After all is said and done, the fact of the matter is that Hubby & I have our own future to look forward to.
  • My parents will finally get to be grandparents.

So, Dr. Bro and Dr. SIL – if you’re reading this – just know that I cannot wait to be this child’s “Favorite Aunt” … well, at least from Dr. Bro’s side of the family!

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How I Spent Mother’s Day

In years past, Mother’s Day would have been a difficult day. Yesterday was less difficult than the previous years; less traumatic.

I contribute it to the fact that Hubby & I weren’t physically “in town” to celebrate Mother’s Day with our respective Moms and his sister. Not that I didn’t like going out, typically for brunch, every second Sunday in May … it’s just that the day has always been a painful reminder of what I’ve never achieved in life.

I mean seriously; even at Mass. Any Catholic Church I had ever gone to on Mother’s Day always always always have all the mothers and pregnant woman stand up before the closing prayer to pray over them. And every year, I would glance around the church to see which women remained seated like me.

Don’t get me wrong … such a prayer is much deserved for all the under-appreciated hard work and unconditional love that a Mom provides to their children. But for every year that I was not “included” in these prayers, the less I felt “connected” to those women who would stand proudly as they received these blessing. The less I felt as if I were a part of that “sisterhood.”

Hubby, the "Cat Burglar"

The less I felt blessed amongst other women.

This year, Hubby & I spent Mother’s Day in Chicago; opting to call both sets of Moms and wish them the Happiest of Mother’s Days. And afterward, settled down on our couch to watch a marathon of movies on TV, starting with “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”** and ending with “Sweet Home Alabama.”

And this year, instead of getting all weepy over the twenty zillion Mother’s Day commercials that ran during the TV breaks, Hubby & I would have fun poking at the sometimes fake sentiment that these ads would portray.

This year, as Hubby & I sat on our couch, feeling completely unmotivated to do much but cook meals and take our puppy-girl on an extended walk to the beach, I felt completely blessed .

Because although I remain separated from the ever-elusive “Mommy” Sisterhood … I know I’m blessed with an incredible Husband and parents/siblings, as well as 3 four-legged creatures that look to me as their Mom.

So yeah … that’s my small victory for the day. I turned my Mother’s Day Frown upside down. (Pretty positive for a currently unemployed person, eh?)

Me, surrounded with two of my three furbabies

** LOVE that film. And check out what star, Nia Vardalos, says about her experiences as an infertile on Mother’s Day.

Hubby with Rain (Yami's on the window sill and Kozzy's on her rug next to Hubby)
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Westward Wind

Well, I was right. Today’s small victory was that I made it out of bed today … especially since we didn’t get home from our midnight screening of Iron Man 2 until about 3 am this morning.

Oh wait … I said that I’d be out of bed this morning at a decent hour. Yeah. That didn’t happen until … well, let’s just say it was after noon.

Although, I do admit that Hubby & I took turns trying to calm our dog Kozzy down from all the horrible lightning and thunder that started after we got home from the movies. Our poor girl … she totally hates thunderstorms; and this morning’s storm was a wicked one.

This commercial makes me crack up. Every. Time!

So yeah, that’s my excuse for climbing back into bed at 9 am and staying in there with Hubby until well past noon.

Let’s see … real accomplishments. Hmm … started to follow Ferris Bueller on Twitter? Managed to eat an entire bowl of fettuccini alfredo? Cashed in a coupon for a free beverage at the Border’s Cafe?

Okay … seriously. My real victory today was finally realizing that I could look for jobs in whatever city Hubby & I would like to live. I mean realistically I knew this, but to actually put it into action and start applying outside of Chicago or Michigan? Yeah … that only started today.

Where are we looking at? Well our dream has always been to live in Hawaii … but even *I* know that’s not feasible at the moment. (Plus, there weren’t many RN Case Manager jobs out there. I should know; I checked!) But we’ve also had the dream of moving out to the West Coast. Seattle or Portland, to be specific.

Probably more Portland, if I was being honest. After all, moving to a big city like Chicago where I’ve been exposed to a handful of … ahem … back-stabbing, career-driven people, I’m finding myself a little more hesitant to move to another big(ger) city like Seattle.** And Portland just seems to be more “our pace” and our lifestyle. So yeah … living in the “Rose City” (or in its vicinity) would be right up our alley.

So imagine my surprise when I found a few jobs out that way that would fit my current career path. So I’ve now gone about and applied for them.

Who knows what will become of those applications, but at least I can say that I’ve tried. And if nothing ever does come out of it; well then maybe moving out west isn’t what’s in our cards at the moment.

But we will make it out west one day. We will follow that proverbial “Yellow Brick Road” out to Portland or the “Emerald City.” Because that’s our dream … our goal. And it’s always good to have a goal in mind, right?

Yep; trying to remain positive amidst all of this chaos.

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** Perhaps this is just reflective of my ‘tude at the moment after being “burned” by this place … Otherwise, I know that I love this city.

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The Wicked Don’t Rest

Lest you think I’ve been resting on my laurels** this past week, I’ve been actually quite productive.

Apparently a "laurel" is a flower

Well, okay … except for the first few days where, I guess you can say, I was storing up my reserves. Yeah. That’s what I was doing.

<Quickly throws piles of tissue on bed and sofa into the pockets of her pajama bottoms … >

Seriously though, Monday morning I spent some time sorting out some paperwork and making a few important phone calls. And Tuesday, I spent the day updating and rewriting parts of my resume.

Yesterday was spent online all day searching for jobs that match my career history and filling out tons*** of applications. And today … well, it’s slowed down a bit; but at least I put more out there.

The other important thing I did was update my LinkedIn page. Oh, and ask for some recommendations from previous peers. Hopefully this will come in handy in helping me, at the very least, get some interviews.

And then there's THIS Laurel ...

So that, my dearies … is my small victory of the day.

Tomorrow’s? Most likely getting out of bed at a decent hour; seeing that Hubby & I are treating ourselves to a midnight showing of Iron Man 2.

Hey, gotta have some fun now. Don’t I?!

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** What IS a “laurel”**** anyway?!

*** Okay, I exaggerate a bit. Maybe more like a quarter-ton.

**** Huh. Just found out that the “laurel” referred to in the idiom is interpreted  as an achievement. Guess I haven’t been resting on them; seeing that unemployment isn’t exactly an “achievement” to be proud of …