Category: Em on Em

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More Than a Woman?

Tired. That’s how I’ve felt this past weekend. I think the 10-hour days are catching up with me and I’m not looking forward to Monday when it will start all over again.

I think it’s time to take some time off. Maybe a scheduled mental health day to regroup myself. On a Monday. Or a Friday. So I can extend my weekend by an extra day.

Oh, who am I kidding? I’m still going to spend the day before returning to work worrying about what I need to do the day I actually return to work.

I worry too much. Not a surprise for people that know me very well. To others though, especially at work, I guess I put off this vibe that everything is going to be okay. But internally, I’m a nervous wreck.

Why is that?

Hubby seems to think I put too much pressure on myself, that I should learn to ease up on myself. That I should learn to break down projects into manageable tasks. And he’s right, the smart man that I married.

I do put a lot of pressure on myself to be as best that I can be. I guess it goes back to that thought that if I try hard enough, I’ll succeed in anything I do.

And we all know that Infertility taught me that that statement is not always relevant to everything.

So why am I still living my life like that? I guess I do it in the hopes of being a better person than would be if I had kids. That somehow, I need to make up for being more of a woman because I don’t have kids.

Does that sound ridiculous?

I know it does. There are lots of women living child-free by choice that can attest to this. Heck, there are women that have gone through infertility and are now living child-free that can say that they still feel like a whole woman.

Right now, I’m not one of those women.

Which is why I worry too much. And expect more out of myself. And I wish there was a way that I could just be happy with who I am.

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Forty

I’m turning 40 tomorrow.

Yep, it’s a milestone birthday; one that makes you ponder what I’ve done for the past decade. And while I might not have done everything I thought I would in the past 10 years (you know get pregnant and start our family and all …), I know that I’ve done enough to make my 30’s a memorable decade.

Turning 40 seems like I should be turning over a new leaf. I should eat better, exercise more, be more financially responsible. It’s like New Year’s Resolutions, except in July. And I don’t know about you … but I tend to fall off the “Resolutions wagon” midway into the second month.

At least I get a whole decade to turn over this leaf.

Seriously though, I hope that my 40’s is a lot less drama and a lot more fun. I hope that Hubby and I continue to find new and exciting ways to live our child-free lives fully and not in the shadow of living childless. (I see travel in our near future!) So that’ll be what I aim for over the next 10 years.

Here’s to jumping feet first into my 40’s!

 

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Five Years

Did you know that both the traditional and modern anniversary gift for five years is wood?

Wood?!

Good thing we don’t celebrate anniversary dates with other people, because I’m pretty sure I’d be getting a lot of wooden bowls or cutting boards. Or wood statues …

Why am I bringing this up? Because today, my friends, is my fifth blogiversary. Or rather “Blog O’Versary” since it’s St. Patty’s Day. (Luck o’ the Irish to y’all …)

It’s funny, because my goal was to reach 500 posts by today. I figured … hey, why not celebrate two milestones at once.

Except, well … I somehow missed that 500 milestone about 11 posts ago. Amazing, considering I haven’t been writing much lately.

It’s been difficult, I must admit, to write lately. Work has me on a crazy schedule and I’ve had waay to many personal issues that I’ve been obsessing over lately. So that leaves me little time to sit and write.

Think I'll celebrate with one of these!

I’m hoping to make some changes in the next few weeks that will allow me to write a little more, but right now it’s just a glimmer of hope. So if the kind blogosphere could send a quick prayer up to the heavens above that this glimmer become more of a flame to light my way to a better change in my life, I’d very much appreciate it.

I realize I’m being vague about what I want to change, but I just ask that you stick with me and pray for the change that I need. If things do go the way I hope it does, then I promise I will tell you more.

Anyway, just wanted to write my little ditty for the week and … WTH … brag to people that I’ve managed to keep this blog alive for five years!

Thanks to all of you that are still out there reading … I can’t tell you (in words) how much it means to me.

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Nothing Important

Sitting and staring at the blank Word Document in front of me is kinda intimidating. I hate how the cursor blinks to the tune of the background music at the Caribou Coffee I’m currently sitting at.

I know it’s been more than a couple weeks since I last posted, but there hasn’t really been much of interest to write about. Unless you wanna talk about how hectic my last onsite visit for work was. But why would I want to bore you with that?

I could also tell you that I came SO close to seeing Jefferson’s Monticello estate during my last work trip. I even took the 20 minutes to drive there, only to be disappointed that I could only get to the visitor’s center … Which then would have required me to purchase a ticket for a shuttle to take me up to the property just so I could look at the building.

If I had the time, I probably would have done it. But as it was, I had already been teaching all day and I was exhausted by the thought of taking the extra time to buy a ticket to tour the entire property, when all I wanted to do was admire the structure. Plus I wasn’t feeling too hot.

When traveling, nothing sucks more than not feeling your best … Especially when you have to get up in front of a group of strangers and teach. But since there was no way of cancelling the class, I just did my best and hope that all the participants would stay engaged in our discussions. Lucky for me, they did.

So now I get to travel again next week and I hope that this cold has finally left my system. It will be another hectic onsite visit (large hospital, two different locations for each session, etc), but the best I can do is leave it up to God and my constant chanting of the Serenity Prayer.

Until next week …

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Lazy Sunday

The title of this post says it all. And you know what? Me and my skinny hamster are perfectly fine with it. In fact, she’s taking a snooze as we speak.

I got some pretty good advice from people after putting up my last post. (Thanks, oh internet peeps!) One of them told me to cut myself some slack, so today (actually this whole weekend) was about doing so.

No worrying about the upcoming travel or all the expectations of new stuff going on at work. No obsessing over relationships and how to “fix” them. No freaking out about how completely messy the house is.

Just me and Hubby; watching a movie, grabbing some Dim Sum, and clearing out our saved TV shows on our DVR.

It’s been a while since I’ve done nothing but the bare necessities and it feels good. Usually I save those days for when I feel completely sick or run down.

And maybe I’m already at the latter … run down and exhausted. But these two days have been restful, relaxing and much needed.

Perhaps I’ve got to do these kind of days more often .