Em on Em – Page 19 – Apron Strings for Emily

30 March 201030 March 2010

Effed-Up Signals

I’ve gone and done it. Finally.

That’s right, peeps. Stubborn Emily finally broke down and saw her primary doc today. Not for just the common cold or flu bug; no … I saw her because I’ve been feeling craptastic for the past five months or so. Specifically, I’ve been feeling fatigued.

Now, normally I’d chalk it up to stress and anxiety. After all, my current career path has certainly given me enough gastric reflux. And well, i fully admit that I’m prone to over-analyze and freak myself out over things I can’t control.

But this fatigue is just downright … exhausting; for lack of better words.

I mean, I can’t even wake up from my alarm clock until close to an hour afer it went off!

And even though I want to blame it on the fact that I just can’t stay asleep, I don’t think that’s the case. Because when I do have the ability to stay asleep and/or sleep in, I still wake up with the same fatigue.

This is what makes me think it has something to do with my body. And specifically with my endocrine system; my metabolic system. And given that I have a history of PCOS also which affects my pituitary, I’m thinking that this could be closely related to my body’s ability to produce adequate thyroid hormones. Which could consequently cause hypothyroidism.

Without going too much into pathophysiology, if the thyroid doesn’t produce enough thyroid hormones (T3 and T4) which help to control a person’s metabolism, then the pituitary sends signals to the adrenal glands to produce TSH; a hormone that “stimulates” the thyroid to make more T3 and T4.

How do I associate PCOS with hypothyroidism? Well, it has to do with the pituitary gland. In a woman’s reproductive cycle, the pituitary gland is responsible for producing the Lutenizing Hormone (LH), which sends a signal to the ovaries to mature and release an egg to be fertilized. In PCOS, the pituitary gland gets its signals mixed up and secretes too much LH. Which can, in turn cause the ovaries to secrete more than usual amounts of testosterone in a woman’s body … which then can create a situation of the inability to have regular menstrual cycles. In addition, the higher amounts of LH can also cause a lack of ovulation on the ovaries’ part. In turn, the pituitary gland continues to secrete LH, thinking that the ovaries still haven’t “done their job.”

SO … Because of how the pituitary relates to my PCOS, I’m also wondering if it has a part in the fatigue I’ve been feeling; which is one of the big symptoms of hypothyroidism. Perhaps my pitiuary is also getting its signals crossed with the secretion of TSH for my thyroid as well as with LH for my ovaries.

Which brings me to the reason why I went to my Doc. I told her about my fatigue and my concerns about my PCOS possibly contibuting to it … And, as expected, she ordered the specific lab tests to see if my T3/T4 and TSH are out of whack. She ALSO gave me a prescription for a sleeping pill; as she seems to think may also be contributing to my fatigue. <– Hmmph!

So we’ll see … and if I am right about having hypothyroidism, this may ALSO explain the ridges on my finger nails and the increased loss of hair I’ve recently been experiencing.

If not, then I guess my fatigue has nothing to do with my metabolism. Which would mean that I’m just a lazy-a$$ person who just doesn’t want to do anything more but work and sleep.

I hope I’m right about the hypothyroidism …

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Six more days! Until then, here’s my Daily Lenten exercise:

Good Deed Du jour: I actually “made” someone’s day today. At least that’s what the lab tech told me when I complimented her on a pain-free poke to my arm when she drew my blood. Apparently the previous patients were not happy with her technique. So when I told her that I’d been poked enough times during my active (but failed) baby-making yearsand that she was supberb … Well, I made her day!

Grateful Thought Du jour: Health Insurance. Glad I currently have it; glad that the rest of the country will, too.

28 March 201028 March 2010

Left of Center

I made a boo boo at work; a big faux pas. I talked about politics … and specifically about Health Care Reform … with a person who most decidedly did not share the same point of view I did.

While I managed to gracefully avoid any shouting matches or finger-pointing (on either of our parts), I still came up slightly disgusted by this person’s beliefs about the Health Care Reform bill. And that’s only because I still couldn’t understand her reasoning that health care should only be provided to those who contribute something to society. What this “something” was, she couldn’t clearly define.

But this isn’t a blog post to rant about Health Care Reform. I figured one post was enough about that. No, this post is more about how my social and political ideals have always seemed to lean towards the left.

I’m sure it’s that part of me that has always believed that every person deserves to be treated with respect. And I’m not just talking about the respect that a person receives once they’ve reached a certain stature in life; whether it’s a position of being in authority or if it’s just having the job of being a parent or grandparent. Nor am I talking about respect in the sense of commanding a feeling of fear or demanding total obedience.

No, I’m talking about respect in the manner in which an individual’s feelings, needs, thoughts, ideas, wishes and preferences are taken into consideration. In which a person is accepted for their individuality and idiosyncrasies.

I’m sure that most people agree that respect is an important value to give and receive in life, but it appears that most people tend to think about being the receiver of respect rather than give someone else respect who they think may not deserve it. But then who should really be the judge on who does or doesn’t receive respect?

And see, that’s where I tend to veer off to the left. This is when I accept that every person is worthy of respect, regardless of what station they are in life; regardless of their race, religion, or lifestyle. I believe that everyone deserves at least the acknowledgement that who they are as an individual is more important than whatever “group” they might have already been lumped into.

In short, I believe that respect is a basic human right; up there amongst food, shelter and — yes, access to appropriate medical care.

So yeah. I’m guessing this is probably the reason why I tend to be more liberal than others; especially having lived in Catholic Suburbia for so long. Not saying, of course, that there weren’t others like me growing up, but living amongst more conservative affluent families with strong cultural and religious ties made it more difficult to find others like me.

Going back to my co-worker … while I don’t agree with her beliefs and subsequent reasoning for not supporting Health Care Reform**, I still respect the fact that she has her own unique perspective. And I can only hope that she respects me as well.

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It’s officially Palm Sunday today, people. This means that a week from today will be Easter; and a week plus one day will be my last Lenten act for 2010. Woo-hoo!!

Today’s Good Deed: Okay, so the True Blue Wolverine in me had to do it. She just HAD to cheer for Michigan State today as they played for their bid to get to the Final Four in Men’s NCAA Basketball. It’s the first year I’ve ever done the March Madness brackets; and truth be told, I had MSU losing in the third round against Kansas State … But regardless, I’m glad that State made the Final Four. I think that the whole state of Michigan needs something positive to rally around.

Today’s Grateful Thought: I’m so thankful for the time I get to spend with my furbabies; my poor Rain especially. Our senior citizen kitty has been craving some extra attention lately, so I’ve been trying to cuddle her a little more than usual. Oh, I know that Rain’s nine lives will eventually expire (she is 19, after all), but that doesn’t stop me for hoping that she lives even longer than she already has.

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** It’s also interesting that we shared the same point of view when it came to funding of the Health Care Reform. So while we disagreed about the reasons behind the bill, we did find some mutual ground to share. That’s respect, baby!! 🙂

25 March 201027 March 2010

The Other Look

I was five years old when I got caught shoplifting.

It’s one of those definable moments in life that a person never forgets. And it’s funny that today this memory would bubble to the surface of my mind.

I’m not quite sure what triggered this memory. Perhaps it’s because I’m hanging out at the local Border’s on Michigan Ave again (free WiFi … gotta love it!) Or maybe it’s because I happened to see a little kiosk in front of Macy’s that had stuff similar to the chotskies I stole at the tender age of five.

Anyway, I can remember shopping with my mom at Oakland Mall one Saturday afternoon when the incident happened. It must have been around Easter or Christmas, because all I could remember was having to try on frilly dresses that I had no intention of keeping clean once I wore them. Distracted by the ribbons and laces on third floor of Hudson’s, my Mom left me to my own device around the girls section.

I naturally found my way over to the little Sanrio kiosk located close to the girly accessories. The little Asian girl in me absolutely looooved Hello Kitty and secretly wished she could be Hello Kitty’s twin sister, Mimmy. As Mom continued to be distracted by polyester and rayon (it was the late 70’s at that time … breathable stain-free fabric for kids still hadn’t been invented), I thought about how cool it would be to have this pocket sized colored pencil and paper set complete with Hello Kitty stickers. Because they were so small, I didn’t think twice about putting them in my purple hippo Garanimal pants.

HKSharpener — Early 80's Hello Kitty Chotsky. Would have gone good with those mini colored pencils!

And because my Mom just happened to call me at that moment to try on a few dresses, I quite honestly forgot about my new treasure until we got home. Which of course, when I discovered it in my pocket, I immediately went to my bedroom and began to draw with my new mini-colored pencil set.

I probably would have gotten off scott free if my Mom didn’t catch me playing with my new “toy” the next morning before Mass. In which I can remember the shame I immediately felt when she asked me where I got those pencils. Without my Mom having to say any more words, I broke down and sobbed; confessing that I took them from the store the day before.

Now is the time I can tell you about this particular look my Mom would give Dr. Bro and me whenever she was angry. In our teenage years, Dr. Bro and I would call it “The Eyes.”

Yes … Eyes. As in plural. Because she just wouldn’t give us the “stink eye” where one eye would squint while the other eye glared at you intensely with the corresponding eyebrow severely arched in an upward manner. No … my Mom’s look was more like two normally big eyes bulging out to two times its normal size. Both eyebrows would be arched to the extreme while she glared at you as if lasers would shoot from her eyes to burn every fiber of hair on our heads. Needless to say, Dr. Bro and I would run and take cover whenever “The Eyes” would come out.

AngelKitty — Probably late 90's version of Hello Kitty

I distinctly remember the look in my Mom’s face when I confessed about stealing the pencil and pad set. Because it wasn’t “The Eyes.” Rather, it was this strange mixture of shock and sadness. As she stood speechless in front of me for a few moments, I suddenly felt smaller than I ever had been in the five short years of my life. I can recall feeling that way because I knew my shoplifting caused her to have that expression … and I hated knowing that I disappointed her so badly. At that moment, I almost wished I would have gotten “The Eyes” instead of that other look.

After she recovered from my confession, I was told to go to my room where I would wait anxiously until she returned. That’s when I got the lecture about stealing, which of course was reinforced by the Seventh Commandment. Then it was off to Mass where I had to pray to God for forgiveness. Afterward, we went straight to the mall where my Mom would make me give back what I stole and tell the store clerk that I was very sorry.

Obviously it was a very good method of learning from one’s mistake, because I’ve never shoplifted again since that incident.

I’ve seen “The Eyes” many times in my life; especially during those high school and college years. But I had never seen that other look since my shoplifting incident. I’ve never seen her disappointed in me as much as she was that Sunday morning.

To me, that is an extremely important thing to remember. Because even during the worst days of my infertility journey, when I felt as if I was as small as that five-year old version of me, she’s never me shown that “Other Look.”

Which, to me, means that even though *I* feel as if I’ve disappointed both her and my Dad by not giving them the grandchildren they so deserve, my Mom isn’t.

Disappointed in me, that is.

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Whew … is Easter here yet?! Oh yes, only 10 more days left of this Lenten Crusade.

FlipHK — Probably my fave Hello Kitty ... a Filipino version! LOL!

Daily Random Act of Kindness: Ugh. Having a hard time remember what good deed I’ve done today. Short of holding elevators for complete strangers and holding doors open for fellow employees, I can’t think of anything significant. Eesh … perhaps I need to make it up tomorrow with a better good deed.

Daily Thought of Gratitude: Not sure if I already said this in the past 30 or so days or this exercise, but I’m thankful for mass transportation. I love that I can get to places without having to drive myself (or have Hubby drive). I love that I can jump on a bus and travel down one end of Michigan Avenue to the other. But another unexpected benefit of mass transit is that I find myself getting more walking time in; it forces me to be active for more than I normally would have been if I was still living in Detroit.

Okay. I’m tired … and I still have another day of work in front of me before the weekend. Think I’m calling it a night!!

24 March 201027 March 2010

Ink Me

I’ve always loved water

I’ve been itching to get a tattoo. “What?,” says those few ApronStrings Readers left. “You mean you don’t have one?” And my answer to that would be a surprising no. Especially seeing that my early 20’s were spent at the height of the tattoo revival in the 90’s.

It’s not that I didn’t have the opportunity to get one or two (or three) over the past several years … it’s just that I never knew exactly what I wanted. And if I was going to get something tattood onto me permanently, I needed it to be something I knew I could live with for the rest of my life.

And since our Honeymoon, I’ve loved Hawaii

That was one of the two criteria that had to be met before I would even seriously think of getting a tattoo; aesthetics. My tattoo had to be something that was both personal and meaningful. And it had to beautiful; well, at least in my eyes.

The second criteria had more to do about where this tattoo would be located. In my career as a bedside nurse, I’ve seen enough tattoos in various areas that most people wouldn’t want you to see. Well, unless … (go ahead; use your imagination … ) Regardless, it’s seeing how some of these tattoos start to morph into shapeless blobs with age or worse, change in body-type (read: weight gain/loss, etc). So that was my second criteria: I had to be satisfied with where this tattoo would be displayed. It couldn’t be in any area that I knew would eventually sag or expand.

And the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve also realized that I need to find a “strategic” area to place this tattoo. Because I’m now in a position at work where I’m more visible to other vendors and associates outside of my immediate department, I would need to think of an area where it might not be as noticeable.

So how to make it tattoo-like?

So why have I been thinking about finally getting a tattoo? Well, it’s not because I don’t know what I want to get; because I do. And it’s not because I don’t know where to get it; because I have a good idea about that, too. It’s really because I just had a co-worker who got her first tattoo.

You see, I’ve actually known what I wanted to get for quite a while now. And I’ve had a general idea of where I would place this tattoo. But the thing is, I want to have Hubby design it for me. I want his artwork to be part of my body. So until Hubby is able to make my design a reality, I won’t be getting my tattoo.

I just realllly hope it’s before I get any older … because I never know what part of my body will begin to sag next.

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Indonesian today. So here’s those Daily Lenten act.

479 — This is probably the closest ... but not quite!

Perbuatan baik untuk hari ini: Nope; no dollar bills lying around today. However, there was something else lying around on the ground when I went to take our Kozzy-girl for a walk tonite. Because on Monday I happened to inadvertently stepped in one of those yucky doo-doo’s. SO … yes, I picked it up in our handy doggie bags and threw it away. And no Hubby, it’s not the same one you left behind last night because *I* forgot to reload the doggie-bag container. 😛

Rasa syukur untuk hari: Grateful thought of the day? That would be that Hubby cooked dinner for me tonight before leaving for one of his Meetup groups. Which he totally didn’t have to, but because he knew I had an incredibly busy day at work again … he did it so I didn’t need to cook when I got home. Can you tell how much I love him? Now if he’d only design my tattoo …

23 March 201027 March 2010

Voices Emily

I’ve made no bones that, at one time in my life I wanted to be a rock star. I wanted to sing in front of adoring fans and raise the roof with some kick-a$$ songs that I wrote myself. Never mind that I was just a mediocre musician. And never mind that I never have an incredibly strong voice. I mean really … I never did make the actual Show Choir in High School; the same Show Choir that would go on to compete and perform in other settings (a-la Glee).

Regardless, I just wanted to BE something important; to display some incredible talent and to feel some pride in myself. I wanted show that I had enough confidence in myself because confidence was something I’ve struggled with my entire life.

Well, not my entire life. Just from Eighth Grade on, when upon leading up to graduation from middle school, I was voted “Most Arrogant.” Which then resulted in me being ousted from my usual group of classmates; especially during our class trip to Toronto where I got stuck rooming with one of the school teachers and the other “bad girls” of our class.

Anyway, my point in bringing that up is to show how one bad incident in a person’s life can affect his or her outlook in life; his or her confidence in what may be considered talent or skill.

Last week I’ve start getting back into American Idol. I usually like watching the first few weeks with all the auditions just so I can get a good laugh at some of the contestants (“Pants on the ground,” anyone?). Then I usually opt out of Hollywood Week and the first few live weeks; aiming to pick it back up around the Top 12 or so. And I think I do that because by then, most of the contestant’s real personalities start to show off in their performance; they’re more comfortable in the skin that they’re in. In short, they start to have much more confidence in themselves.

The reason I brought up American Idol in relationship to confidence is because some of the comments that Simon, Randy and the other judges make in response to some of the contestants’ performances. Many times I’ve heard them say that singers need to find themselves in the song choices they make; they need to make the song their own. And while I sometimes think they try to pigeonhole a few contestants into a certain genre, I do feel that the judges do that in their best interest; to help the contestants focus on what the judges feel is their strength.

As I’ve mentioned in the past, my parents had a very early version of a karaoke machine; a dual tapedeck and 8-track player that could record your voice singing to an instrumental version of any song in your karaoke tape library. (What can I say? It was the early 80’s … CD’s and digital technology wasn’t consumer-friendly at the time.) So yeah, I’ve got a few tapes downstairs in my parents’ basement with my voice one them.

More Rockband with Hubby's Cousins But the thing about these recordings is that my voice always tried to sound like the artist that originally recorded the song. Whether it was a breathy version of “Like a Virgin” or a nasally version “Do You Really Wanna Hurt Me?” I never truly discovered my own voice.

As I continue to find my new reality in a Child-free world, I’m finding that I’m beginning to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I find that, although I’m not always the most well-liked person out there … don’t always hold the same popular opinion that other people have … I’m quite okay with it; comfortable enough that I don’t always feel like I need to be “right” or prove someone “wrong.”

Oh, believe me … most days I still find myself “left out” of the Mommyhood Club, seeing that I’m part of that 10% of the population that bite the infertility statistical bullet. There are more days than none where I feel the losses more than I count my blessings … but those “off days” seem to happen less frequently.

And, unlike the awkward 13-year old eighth-grader who felt incredibly shunned by her classmates, I’m no longer afraid of showing a little pride in myself; a little more confidence on who I really am … regardless of whether I’m a mom or not.

Ironically? This year … the year I’ve finally accepted myself and my body for what it is? Well, it’s the same year that I’ve managed to stop trying to sing like Madonna; the year that I’ve finally found my own voice.

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Annnnddd … it’s Finnish today; for my Daily Lenten exercise:

Hyvän teon tänään: Once again, I managed to find another stray dollar bill laying around. This time it was in a typically busy hallway at work. And of course when I found it, the entire hallway was empty. So once again, I made a donation to my co-worker’s favorite homeless guy. Funny thing was, when I found it I was on the phone with Hubby. And his comment was, “Wow; if you kept all the dollar bills you’ve found recently, you’d have a nice little pot.” Of which I quickly replied, “No way … I’d rather have my good deed return to me in spades!” Hey, my philosophy has always been “What goes around, comes around”!

Tunne kiitollisuutta päivä: I am so grateful to have the staff of RN Case Managers that I do. Even though they challenge me every day … today, especially as I rolled out their performance goals for the year … they’ve always showed appreciation to me for giving them the opportunity to express their opinions. Hey, I figure that I’d rather hear the complaints directly in front of me than behind my back!!

Okay, that’s all for now. G’night once again!