One of the great things about the Internet is that it makes the world seem a little smaller. It makes the oceans seem less vast. It makes a one-person island seem less lonely.
Please click on image to read about this important week
When I started on my infertility (IF) journey, like most infertiles I didn’t know that I was on the road to “The Land of IF.” I merely thought I was on the path to Mommy-hood. After months — nay, years — of “detours” and “pit stops” I suddenly found myself on the lonely road of infertility.
When I mean “lonely,” it’s meant figuratively. After all, it’s not like I wasn’t surrounded by the 1 in 8 couples affected by a diagnosis of infertility. But since IF is more akin to a “Silent Sorority,” there was little that I could feel comfortable talking face to face with others.
Oh, believe me … I tried attending the local RESOLVE support group … and it just wasn’t my cup of tea. Reflecting back at it now, I’m sure it’s because my self-esteem had been stripped down to nothing by then … and even in a room full of other IFers, I still didn’t feel I could relate to them, let alone contribute to the group. So I never went again.
Then, after reading some online Infertility message boards, I discovered the blog-o-verse and an entire world of IFers who wrote quite open and honestly about the same sadness and disappointment that I felt. And I was especially drawn to those who expressed the same doubts about themselves, the same lack of self-esteem that I so deeply felt. And, even though I rarely commented on these blog posts, I started to feel less alone.
My Mom gave me the idea to write about my personal journey; although I doubt she thought that I’d write about it on such a public forum. She knew that I loved to write during the years of letter-writing with my cousin, and thought that this might be therapeutic for me.
It wasn’t until after realizing that there was an absence of information about Asian-Americans experiencing infertility that I decided I to blog. Because even though I identified with the other IF bloggers who wrote exactly what I felt, there was this other void that refused to be filled. Specifically, it was the part of me that identified with being a first generation Filipino American going through infertility. And with that in mind, I had hoped to fill that void left in me … and to also let those other Asian-American IFers out there trying to “save face” know that they are not alone.
I am forever grateful to the Internet for giving me the opportunity to put my words out there. Writing about being a first generation Catholic Asian-American infertile has been more therapeutic than any local support group or other face-to-face interactions could have been (the exception always being Hubby, of course). And those friends I’ve made over the past three years of blogging? Well, I consider myself lucky to have them — and all the support they’ve given me — in my life.
So thank you, Internet. Thank you for giving me the world.
As I briefly mentioned in my previous entry, yesterday marked the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week. And if you haven’t already, I hope you clicked over to the six long posts (starting here) I wrote during last year’s NIAW.
Not that you have to, but I thought that those blog entries still are quite relevant to where I am at today … even if Hubby & I hadn’t made our decision to live child-free until November of 2009.
In any case, I did want to spend some time today to focus on RESOLVE. I first stumbled upon this organization after finally seeing the first of my two infertility specialists. There in the lobby were newsletters and pamphlets about RESOLVE … something I would never have seen at my sterile, yet happy, normal OB-GYN office. And after spending quite a few appointments sitting in the waiting room reading these newsletters, I finally went home and visited the RESOLVE website.
Back in 2001, RESOLVE’s website was pretty basic. Although there was more detailed information about the science and treatment of infertility consolidated in one area than I had ever seen before, it was lacking something. It lacked the ability for an infertile individual (or couple) to relate to one another. It lacked the sentiment of “common ground” amongst those traveling the lonely journey of infertility.
As Hubby & I remained the Infertile Path over the next several years, I continued to go to the RESOLVE website. And each time I returned, I’d notice the enhancements they had made; more online support opportunities, more local events for each chapter listed.
But most important (at least to me … ) there were articles about how to cope with the stressors (whether emotional or financial) associated with Infertility. And even better, there were articles to point family & friends to … when there was no way to voice aloud how difficult the stigma of infertility was to deal with.
To date, RESOLVE is the most well-known non-profit organization that is dedicated to the promotion of reproductive health with a mission to increase infertility issues and awareness.
While my journey through infertility has ended with the decision to live child-free, I still head over to the RESOLVE website to remain informed with the latest reproductive health news. And just recently, they have totally redone their website to include even moresupport for the Infertility Community; including adding podcasts, webinars, and an online support community.
And sometime this week, during National Infertility Week, I urge you to visit RESOLVE’s website and learn more about this condition and what you can do to support a family member or a friend … a loved one, perhaps … who may be going through the trauma of infertility.
I am so happy that today is Thursday because this means I only have one more day to deal with work.
As predicted, I came back to the office with more fires than I could possibly put out in one day. Never mind the fact that after our house guests left yesterday afternoon, I already signed on to my work emails just to play a little catch-up before physically returning today. And never mind that today should have really been spent at our monthly leadership class.
So yeah … the dedicated employee in me thought it best that I stay in my cubicle today and work diligently at putting out fires. And the dedicated employee in me will return again tomorrow to do the same thing again.
One of the things I dealt with today was the frustration that some of my staff members voiced over issues that have been ongoing since the beginning of the year. And while I understand their frustration and have often allowed them more than enough time to yammer on about how unreasonable they feel certain things are … there are some days (like today, for instance) that it’s just not the right time to go on and on about these things.
Now before I hear about how I shouldn’t let them complain about the way things are and that I, as their direct supervisor, should just demand that they do what I tell them to do (after all, they’re getting paid to do this work, right?) … That’s just not who I am.
I am not a dictator and I am not a micro-manager. I have always been someone that has sought to find some sort of win-win solution amongst all parties. I figure it’s better to get an employee to “buy in” to a new process, a new way of thinking rather than “force” them to do something that they don’t understand or don’t think makes any sense.
Kitty Cat Rain, hiding from a curious toddler!
So yeah … I would rather hear their frustration. As long as it comes with some sort of idea for a solution. And besides … I’d rather have them “complain” in front of me rather than go off in a huddled mass and let the bitterness and negativity fester around me.
While admittedly taking this time with my staff takes a lot of energy out of me, it does reap some great rewards. The number one reward is that my staff trusts me; and it’s because during these “wailing” sessions, I’m always adamant about being as honest and truthful as I can be about any given situation. And of course, the other reward is that they are more than willing to help me or the rest of their teammates out in a pinch.
Today, amidst all of the chaos at work, I managed to experience one of these rewards … one that actually took me by suprise in the form of one of my most pessimistic employee.
While originally she did come by my cubicle to talk about an issue that was bothering her … an issue that resulted in an answer that I knew wasn’t one she’d like … she suprised me by saying, “Well, I guess I’m meant to experience these types of situations over and over again until I learn how to deal with it properly.”
Wow … I was literally floored by her statement. And completely amazed by how much growth she’s experienced in the year that I’ve known her. Because a year ago, I’m pretty darn sure she would have stormed off in anger and let it fester for ever and ever and ever. But instead, she accepted it as if she knew it was something that was beyond her control … and that the only thing she could control was how she could react to it.
Tyler was *SO* excited to ride the CTA
Which then lead into another discussion about how there are certain things in life that are beyond our control. And that the trick to being “okay” with situations (rather than angry or sad) is to realize what we can and can’t control about the situation … how we can react, whether to expend energy on something that may prove to be futile anyway, etc.
So after this incredible conversation I had with my team member, I took a moment to reflect exactly what she had said to me. And how it reflected in my own life; particularly on how I’ve dealt with my infertility.
What I came up with was this:
Obviously during my journey to Hubby & my decision to finally live child-free after infertility I’ve ran into many “challenges,” many pregnancy or adoption announcements, many invitations to children’s birthday parties. And sadly, I’ve even faced one of the hardest challenges that life can indirectly throw my way. But even then I obviously hadn’t learned the lesson I was meant to get out of these challenges.
It wasn’t until I learned to give up that anger that I had felt for so long that I began to feel a little sense of calm. And as I slowly came out of the sadness and depression that followed the anger, I truly was able to open myself up to more than just grief.
And what opened up was this incredible opportunity to literally step away from the world where most of my grief took place. Once I gave up that feeling of having to “control” … or rather, brace myself from the grief of my infertility, I began to feel “okay”with myself … okay with the fact that I had no control over my body.
But what I did have control over was exactly how I could react to these situations. And what I did have control over was what path I could take next.
My new favorite picture of my niece & nephew!
Having been in my new world for over a year now, I can finally look back and know that Hubby & I have taken the path that feels most suitable for us … given that we couldn’t have children of our own.
So the lesson I learned today from my employee? The one that usually tends to be the most distrustful and discouraging? I’ve learned that even though you can try to force control over certain situations like trying to have children (and all that comes with an infertile trying to become pregnant or trying to adopt**), the best course of action is to simply trust in yourself and learn how best to deal with it.
** Easier said than done, I know. But I’m living proof that you can still be infertile and learn how to “Just Relax.” It’s taken me 13-plus years; but I think I’m actually at peace with my infertility.
I found I was generally apt to do good deeds without thinking twice.
And not take any “credit” for it.
Because taking “credit” or having the “spotlight” for doing something nice is not something I’ve ever felt comfortable with.
So writing about something that would otherwise come natural to me seemed forced.
As if I was “bragging” about myself.
Which brings me back to that Eighth Grade version of me.
But I love the concept about “paying it forward.”
So next year, I think I’ll do the same thing … but just not write about it.
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Last one. Which feels good …
Good Deed of the Day: For lack of better words, I saved my manager’s butt today. In other words, I discovered something that, if went undiscovered would have caused a major upheaval in this new “project” we’d been working on. Not that I expect to receive any “credit” for it (see #7 above), I just feel good knowing that this little boo-boo has now been fixed.
Grateful Thought of the Day: Days off … especially since I’m off for the next couple days. Woo-hoo! This means I can spend some quality time with my niece and nephew while they’re in town! Of course, this also means that there will be tons of work for me when I return … <sigh>
No, I don’t mean to belittle Catholicism; because I know that today is the most important Holy Day in the Catholic Faith. And, like Christmas, I do understand the “reason for the season.” I dorealize that both are more than just holidays that brings out “fictional” characters (like a Bunny who “lays” eggs or a jolly rotund man dressed up in a red suit** ) that bring about candy and gifts.
What I mean to say is that Easter has become one of those holidays like Christmas and Mother’s/Father’s Day that, to an infertile couple, can be a difficult one. It’s a reminder of what we currently don’t have in our lives; the children who enjoy the wonderment of Easter and the joy that hopefully all parents have when they see the look in their kids eyes. It’s a reminder of all the new life that Springs brings into the world.
Perhaps some infertile couples go on to having children naturally or through other assistive measures. Others have braved the waters and opened their homes and hearts to adopt children. And then there are those that have taken the less explored road of living child-free.
While I can relate very much to those couples that are currently experiencing infertility; I find it more and more difficult to relate to those infertile couples that have crossed over to parenthood.
Please don’t get me wrong … I’m incredibly happy that those who have “survived” infertility have gone on to live their dreams of having a family. And I’m proud of the strength that they continue to have as they raise their children after all the struggles they went through to have them.
For those couples that have decided to live child-free, it wasn’t a decision that came lightly. It wasn’t something that came to us as if to say, “Well, we’ve already been living child-free; so why shake things up now?” And it’s certainly not a decision that we made based on selfishness.
Hubby & Me as Easter Eggs
No … it’s a decision that came after a long struggling road of peaks and valleys; of unnerving anxiety and unwanted stress. And when there was simply not enough energy, not enough finances; not enough miracles left from up above … the only option was to pick up the pieces of the already shattered dream and start a new life.
So perhaps this Easter; the first year that Hubby & I have officially decided to live child-free … it will be this Easter in which we celebrate the next phase in our marriage; we’ll begin our new life.
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Happy Easter to all of you out in Blogland! I hope that this Easter brings about a New Life in all of you. And now for the second to last Lenten Daily for the season.
Daily Good Deed: What better way to celebrate the arrival of my niece and nephew this evening by putting together a couple of Easter baskets? Nothing fancy, but a little something to let them know that they are loved by their Uncle & Auntie.
Daily Grateful Thought: We spent Easter afternoon with our friend T who invited us over to celebrate Easter with his mom and brother at his brother’s place in Evanston. Oh … and did I forget to tell you that T’s brother is a Jesuit priest?! Yes … we had an absolutely delightful time and am so grateful for such a wonderful Easter celebration. More importantly, I’m still so grateful for old friends.
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** Which, by the way …did you know that the North Magnetic Pole is currently located in Canada? Guess that means Santa Claus is Canadian.
