One of my favorite characters is back for the season finale of Heroes tonight. As I sit here watching the show, I can’t help but think of how much Hiro reminds me of my Hubby.
On the drive to work during a warm September morning last year, Hubby & I heard that song “Her Diamonds” on the radio. I had heard the song off of Rob Thomas’ latest album many times last summer and was looking forward to seeing him in concert later in October.
However there was something about hearing that song on that morning with the sun rising off Lake Michigan that had me truly listening to the lyrics.
“Her Diamonds” talks about a woman who has reached her limits; who has gotten to the point where she doesn’t know what else to do but cry. And because the song is written from a man’s perspective, we get to hear how he deals with the emotions this woman is going through.
It’s amazing how certain songs can elicit the most visceral reactions. “Hero” by Enrique Iglesias is definitely one of those songs that will always be tied to the incredibly enduring love I have for my Hubby. And now, after finally understanding the lyrics behind his song, Rob Thomas’ “Her Diamonds” will, too.
That morning with Hubby sitting in the driver’s seat, I couldn’t help but squeeze the hand that held mine just a little tighter. Because those lyrics that Rob Thomas sings … well, they’re everything I’ve ever imagined my husband’s thoughts and emotions were during the most difficult parts of our Infertility journey.
And Honey? Just so you know, having you in my life holding my hand and heart … that’s all I can ever ask of you when my “diamonds” start falling down.
I admit it. I’m a TV junkie. Maybe it’s because I spend most of the winter evenings indoors; especially since I’m still not used to it being so dark by 5 pm here in Chicago. Or it could also be that I find myself having little energy after a non-stop busy day at work. Either way, I tend to find myself in front of the proverbial “Boob Tube” by 7 pm each evening.*
It’s also a horrible thing … this new fan-dangled device called a DVR. Because now, not only can I watch one TV series I keep up with, but I can record a second TV series that I also follow … even though they air at the same time. I seriously think I need to stop picking up new TV series and focus only on the ones I watch right now … at least until something else catches my eye.
Tonight’s line up involved recording “Fringe” on FOX while watching “Supernatural” on The CW. (Oh, did I forget to tell you I *love* watching “paranormal”-type of shows? I blame Mulder and Scully back in the early-to-late 90’s.)
For those that aren’t familiar with “Supernatural,” it’s not a show about Carlos Santana’s Grammy Award-winning album. It’s a show about two brothers who basically “hunt” demons and other paranormal figures. The ongoing story arc is that these two brothers, as dedicated as they are to each other, are supposedly destined to destroy one another. Because, and follow along with me here, the younger brother’s soul was “sold” to Lucifer (aka the Devil) before he (Sam) was even born. While the older brother (Dean), who has basically been raised to kill demons his entire life, is supposed to stop Lucifer from taking over Sam’s body in order to take over the world. What gets even more tricky is that Dean has been told that he is supposed to allow the Archangel, Michael, to take over his body in order to stop Lucifer from destroying earth (aka the Apocolypse).
Following me thus far? Okay, so moving on …
For those of you that are familiar with the Heaven and Hell, Angels and Demons lore (and no, I’m not talking about Dan Brown’s novel here) … you’d know that Lucifer is actually a “fallen” angel, and is actually the younger brother to Michael. So the whole “brother pitted against brother” aspect of this TV show’s storyline is pretty darn cool (in my humble opinion, anyway).
So in tonight’s episode there is this whole bit about free will and destiny. While both Dean and Sam have been told it’s in their “destiny” to start the Apocolypse, both brother’s have promised that they would do everything in their power to allow that from happening. Sam would consciously avoid being lead into Lucifer’s “temptations,” while Dean would vehemently oppose Michael from taking a human form in his body.**
But as Dean tells the Archangel Michael this, Michael tells him that there is no such thing as “Free Will” in life; that every little inconsequential decision and path in life will eventually lead him and his brother down the ultimate road that they’ve been fated to. I think the actual phrase Michael used was, “Free will is an illusion.”
Huh ... I kinda like this quote!
Yet in spite of what Dean has been told, he still refuses to allow what “fate” has supposedly lined up for him; he still chooses to live his life on his own free will. Which … of course, makes him a hero in my eyes. Well, at least in the TV show.
Afterwards (as in right now, as I type) I reflected on the whole Free Will vs. Fate and how it pertains to my Infertility journey; how it pertains to my life. (And, yep! This is how this post relates to the whole “Ties” theme for NaBloPoMo.)
The idea of Free Will vs. Fate specifically makes me question if my journey down the road of infertility been destined all along. And if that’s the case, does this mean my decision (or “free will”) to live child-free after IF is just an illusion? A farce?
Not that I’m questioning the decision that Hubby & I have made … I know that living child-free after IF is what’s in our best interest at this very moment. No … it’s more the question of: “If that’s the case, why did we put ourselves through H*ll and back just to end up where we were ‘supposed’ to end up?”
I suppose I could always put forth the standard answer that our IF experience isn’t about the “outcome” but rather what Hubby & I have learned about each other and ourselves along the way. And, to a point, I can be satisfied with that response.
But then there’s that part of me that wholly believes that life (and particularly an American life) is all about the choices we make in life; the decision and subsequent consequences that follow. It’s that same part of me that believes that every aspect in life is about consciously making the “choices” that we believe are the best ones for us at that given moment … That, despite the times in which we all feel backed into a corner, we all have the ability as human beings to make choices.
So maybe there isn’t a black and white for Free Will & Fate. Maybe life is more of a hybrid of both. Perhaps life really is about the choices we make … which, in turn, determines the ultimate outcome of our destiny.
Either way, after watching this episode of “Supernatural,” I suddenly have this incredible urge to pick up a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book …
What about you, Blogland? What are your thoughts about Free Will and Fate?
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~
* See? That’s another thing I’m still not used to here in CST: Prime Time TV starting at 7 pm.
** Apparently angels must have your full consent in order to enter your body. Who knew?
Have you every followed a celebrity to the point of obsession? I readily admit that I have. And sad to say, that despite the fact that this celebrity is no longer with us in this world, I still find myself obsessed.
Funny, as I thought that perhaps the “Groupie” in me was dead. Apparently not.
Today, the subject of my obsession would have turned 50 years old. And if Michael Hutchence were still alive, I’m sure I would have still had the hots for him.*
Sadly, Michael only lived to the age that I currently am today. That, in itself, is a strange thought. Oh, if we could both “Stay Young” … just like the lyrics say.
Regardless of what you may have thought of Michael Hutchence in the years that he lived (or even in the aftermath of his life), no one can deny that he was a charismatic, talented man. And the world is just a little bit dimmer without him.
But before I close this post, help celebrate Michael’s 50th birthday and help Haiti by downloading “Don’t Change” off of iTunes. Thanks to the rest of the band, all proceeds from this download are being donated to the Red Cross’ relief efforts in Haiti.
There’s this song by the Velvet Underground that seems to always unleash this feeling of nostalgia within me. Perhaps it’s because I “discovered” this song during my freshman year in high school (thanks to my BFF at that time who was also fellow music afficianado). Or perhaps it’s because the song has this uniquely haunting music box melody to it. Regardless, “Sunday Morning” was one of those songs I recall rewinding and replaying over and over again on my Walkman.
Woulda made for a cool album cover, eh? 😛
I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it before on my blog, but my high school BFF and I had aspirations of becoming incredibly large rock stars. (Yes, laugh all you want … but admit it, that thought probably crossed your minds at one point during your high school existence!) Forget that I wasn’t the best of musicians around … I just wanted to be part of something creative.
In any case, my BFF and I came up with this incredible idea to form a band. Armed with many years of piano lessons behind us, we sought to find other people that might be interested in creating the same type of music that we liked.
We didn’t have to go very far to find a few people. One person in particular (we’ll call him S), ended up becoming a pretty good friend of ours*. And it’s also because of him that we found other like-minded musicians. Although we never went further than playing “cover songs” of other ’80’s alternative bands, we spent a lot of time at each others’ houses pretending to have “band practice.” And it’s during one of those sessions that I learned to play “Sunday Morning.”
The other night, I had the opportunity to “chat” with S on Facebook. We’ve chatted a couple times before in the past, but nothing other than “Wotcha been up to?” This chat came at a really really nice time, though. One that had me contemplating, once again, what my life was going to be like sans children.
I won’t lie. That thought has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. Sure, I’ve officially made the decision to live child-free (finally). Sure, I know that this decision has lifted a great weight off of my shoulders. Truth is, I know that right now my future is limitless.
The thing is, I’ve always envisioned my adult life surrounded with kids. Lots of them. And the Filipina in me, who always put family first, strongly supported that vision. Being a mother and raising children was going to define who I was.
I say this as an absolute because, although I like my career, I’m not passionate about it. Being a mother … it would have been my life’s passion. It would have been the pinnacle of my existence.
What does my fortune hold?
With the decision to live child-free, I feel I should be finding a new reason for existing. I have this urge to find out what I really should be doing with my life. While I know I should be embracing this opportunity to wipe the proverbial slate clean, I must admit that I’m slightly overwhelmed.
I could continue with my career path and try to remain successful with each new opportunity … but since I already know I’m not passionate about it, would I be happy later in life? At the very least (knock on wood), I know that this future will provide me with the income that Hubby & I need to survive.
I could go back to school and try my hand at something different; forge a new career path into something I know I’d enjoy. But does this guarantee passion? Does it guarantee success?
Or I could go back to that high school dream of becoming an incredibly huge Rock Star. I’ve always wanted to be a kick-a$$ bass player, a-la-Kim Deal.
I told some of this to S while chatting the other day. And although he did suggest I go out and by a bass guitar right away, he did offer me up one piece of advice. In his always calm and gentle manner, he told me that what I do in life (whether it involves being a mother or not) shouldn’t dictate who I am. I shouldn’t fight against who I am. He said, “Let Emily be Emily.”
So that’s what I’m going to try to do for now. I’m going to let me be me. And maybe, just maybe, my heart and mind will be open enough to find a new passion in life … a new reason for my existence.
* Ironically, he also ended up being my Jr Prom date, while future-Hubby was my HS BFF’s date. How funny is that?
It’s that time of year again for me. College Football Saturdays, fresh apple cider and hot donuts, and fall TV season premieres. Oh, and knitting. For some reason, I tend to pick up the “sticks” (aka knitting needles) and a fresh “batch” of yarn around this time of the year.
This year, instead of sticks I’ve picked up the “hooker.”
Uh … I didn’t say A hooker … I said THE “hooker.” As in a crochet needle.
Geesh. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Crocheting always reminds me of my Grandma Rose. In the years that she lived with us, and for decades after, I can’t recall a time where she didn’t have her crochet needles and ball of yarn inside her bag. She’d pull it out at various times; many times just to keep her hands busy.
Grandma had told me that she picked up crocheting to help with her debilitating arthritis; that it helped loosen her joints, which I can clearly remember looking incredibly swollen and misshapen. While I believe that she took up the craft for that very reason, I also believe that she continued to do so because creating something was incredibly satisfying. (I can’t tell you how many the heirloom tablecloths she made for every one of her children and grandchildren!) That, and the repetitive activity of pulling yarn through slipknot after slipknot was especially soothing.
That’s the reason I’ve enjoyed knitting and crocheting. The simple notion that continuously “picking” or “hooking” or “throwing” yarn over needles to produce a piece of art is calming. It’s a way for me to relieve some stress and yet still feel fulfilled that I’ve actually madesomething out of a skein of yarn.
Yet, while I love to knit and crochet, I only do so with an end project in mind. Otherwise I’d be making waay too many cup cozies or pot holders than any one of my family and friends would ever need. (Yikes!) So with the recent news within our circle of family/friends, it should come to no surprise as to what kind of project I’m currently working on.
After five years of knitting/crocheting hats & booties or blankets for various family members or friends, you would think that I’d be able to forget about my own issues and focus on the project at hand. And many times I can … In fact doing such projects and keeping such a blog is a very personal form of therapy for me. But there are those moments in the midst of making such creations where my childless situation hits me square in the chest.
But then my thoughts somehow switch to the very good friend of mine; the one that taught me to knit. And I remember how lucky I am in other aspects of my life.
Or, like last Thursday on the bus ride home, I remember my Grandma Rose; who taught me the basics of crocheting years and years ago. I remember each piece she’s ever created especially for me. And how much they mean to me; now even more since her recent passing.
And I remember that what I’m currently making is meant to bring up these emotions. Because feeling such sadness reminds me the importance that Hubby and I had placed on trying to have our own child … and exactly how strong our love is to have survived everything we’ve gone through.
On the drive to work during a warm September morning last year, Hubby & I heard that song “Her Diamonds” on the radio. I had heard the song off of Rob Thomas’ latest album many times last summer and was looking forward to seeing him in concert later in October.
For those that aren’t familiar with “Supernatural,” it’s not a show about Carlos Santana’s Grammy Award-winning album. It’s a show about two brothers who basically “hunt” demons and other paranormal figures. The ongoing story arc is that these two brothers, as dedicated as they are to each other, are supposedly destined to destroy one another. Because, and follow along with me here, the younger brother’s soul was “sold” to Lucifer (aka the Devil) before he (Sam) was even born. While the older brother (Dean), who has basically been raised to kill demons his entire life, is supposed to stop Lucifer from taking over Sam’s body in order to take over the world. What gets even more tricky is that Dean has been told that he is supposed to allow the Archangel, Michael, to take over his body in order to stop Lucifer from destroying earth (aka the Apocolypse).
