Category: Infertility

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Caring for the Heart

So it’s a go. Cardiac cath is scheduled at noon for my Dad today. I’m just hoping that everything will go smoothly and all the docs and nurses and anyone that takes care of him today do the best job that they can.

Ugh. I’m feeling so frustrated right now. Mostly because there is only so much I can do for my Dad at this moment other than just be there for him. The nurse in me wants to do more to help him but yet I don’t want to overstep my boundaries. Because believe me, when working the floors I absolutely HATED when visiting family members pulled out the “I’m a doctor”- or “I’m a nurse”- card, thinking that was going to scare me into making “triple”-sure I was doing the absolute correct thing.

But other than unrealistically flying Dad out to the best cardiology center in the US, I do have faith and confidence that he is getting the best treatment possible at this hospital at this exact time. The best I can do as a nurse is be there to explain to my Dad and Mom exactly what is going on and what to expect … basically be there to translate medical jargon into plain old-fashion English. That, and advocate for them exactly what their fears and concerns and needs are as a patient and his wife.

At the same time, poor Hubby has also been sick with a nasty cold. Which, if there was only more hours in the day, I would be babying him like he does for me when I’m sick. Unfortunately with yesterday being spent at the hospital, I’ve had no time to make him soup or hot tea and just generally be there for him. And I feel like such a horrible wife for that.

I bet y’all are saying … “WTF, Em? You advocate and care for your parents and Hubby, but you don’t advocate for yourself.” The past week (and previous posts) being prime example of not thinking of what’s the best thing for my own health.

Well, I have to tell you … and if you don’t know this by now … Nurses are notorious for not taking care of their own health. I think it’s in any person who chooses Nursing as a profession to care for others before caring for themselves. For me it’s not meant to be a self-sacrifice type of thing; it’s more that I feel that others needs appear to be more important and more urgent than my own. Then throw in the whole Catholic and Asian-American thing and it’s a golden opportunity for feeling the guilt.

Yes, I know it’s not always healthy. And I know that I do need to take care for myself before I can take care of anyone else. Every nurse gives that same schpiel to any of their co-workers (how’s that for the pot calling the kettle black?). But we’re a stubborn lot. We’re definitely a “Do as I say, not as I do” group.

I’m working on it though. This past year has been an exercise of learning to take care of myself. And think of my needs as a priority to others. I’m learning to say NO when I can’t take on anymore than I physically or emotional can. And I’m trying my darndest NOT to feel so damn guilty for doing so.

Right now? All my energy is focused on taking care of my Dad. Because that takes priority. Thanks for all your warm thoughts and prayers.

And if you can, say a quick one for Hubby, too. Because, he too, deserves the best.

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When is the Best Time … ?

When is it time to look for a new OB-Gyn? My current one has seen me through quite a bit of my medical history. It was with his direction that I experienced my first of many pelvic ultrasounds (and oh, what an eye-opening experience that was). He was the one that started the initial infertility work-up. He was the one that started me on the “Evil Clomid.” And he was the one to tell me when it was time to seek an RE. Not only that, but after so many years of “cheating” on him with specialist after specialist, he’s the one that took me back in when my attempt to successfully reproduce on my own failed.

So why am I questioning why I should change doctors?

As I mentioned in previous posts, I’ve been experiencing increased pain with my periods. I had an US two weeks ago, mid-cycle, that apparently looked picture-perfect. And the plan was to restart me on Lupron to help treat my endometriosis. And then Aunt Flo visited me with a vengeance.

And as an update to my last post where my doc basically gave me the “Take two of these and call me in the morning” speech … I called this morning to let the office know that yes, I was still having this intense pain. And no, the Darvocet I took (two tabs at a time, by the way) did not help the pain. So I was directed to go into the office for another exam, but this time it would be one of his partners since he was working out of his “other” office, all the way on the other side of town.

Well, let me tell you … Dr. Partner seemed to be much more attentive. He asked more questions, he seemed more interested in my symptoms. He seemed to want to figure out what was causing my pain. Unlike Dr. OldyShmoldy, who seemed to chalk up my symptoms to my endometriosis and that the Lupron injection should just “take care of it all.” So when Dr. Partner ordered another US thinking that something must have definitely changed from two weeks prior, I was more at ease knowing that something was being done. And when that US came back showing a 3.5 cm ovarian cyst (which, Thank God, was not ruptured), I just finally felt some justice that I wasn’t going crazy.

So what’s next? Other than the Lupron, which is supposed to help reabsorb the cyst … nothing. That is, unless the pain gets even worse. Which means that there’s still the possibility of a rupture. But not very likely.

Anyway, after this experience I’m seriously thinking that I need to change doctors. And change practices as well. I just don’t know how to go about doing this. I suppose I should wait until I finish my Lupron therapy. Or should I?

Argh. Any advice would help. And if anybody knows of a good OB-Gyn in the Detroit-Oakland Co. area …

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Pain in my side …

No, I’m not talking about Hubby or any other particular person that I might think is a pain in my side. I am literally having pain in my side. Particularly my left lower abdomen.

It started early this morning as Puppy woke me up to let her out at 2(frickin’):30 in the morning. Got out of bed and felt a little twinge. Went to lie back down after letting Pup back in and the pain just got worse.

Oh, I guess I should add that I’m CD2 today. And even though I’m used to the usual cramps (okay, I lie … I hate them and will never get used to them) and even the dull pain I usually feel on my right lower abdomen during the first two days, this pain is just … different. Sharp and intense. Localized to what I’m assuming is my left ovary.

So come (actual) morning time as I was trying to wake up in order to get ready for work, the pain was no better. I made a sad attempt to go to work and then ended up going home after only two hours. But not before making an appointment with my GYN for later in the afternoon. Which … I was going to head there today on my lunch hour anyway for my first dose of Lupron.

The end result? Take this Darvocet prescription and take as needed. Call in the morning if I’m not feeling any better. Oh, and let’s poke you in the rear with Lupron while you’re here too.

Well, it could be the drugs since I’m feeling pretty loopy right now (am I babbling or what?), but I’m still not feeling any better. Crampy? Check. Bloated? Check. Lack of appetite? Check. Pain in my side? Check … although the edge is gone a bit.

I guess stay tuned to see what happens next. Or not. Or maybe I should just go back to doing what I did best today … nap.

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ART in the Movies

Hubby & I went to the movies a couple weeks ago and while Hubby was at the concession stand (getting me a a frozen Coke … mmm!), I sat in the theater watching the trailers. That’s when I saw the trailer for this movie.

I’m not quite sure how I feel about this movie just yet. Don’t get me wrong … I absolutely LOVE Tina Fey, but here’s another movie about infertility that may just hit a little too close to home. Especially because it’s a comedy. And although there are some pretty darn funny things to laugh about while traveling through this IF journey, there is still quite a bit of heartache and sadness. And watching a movie that could potentially poke fun at the whole situation might not be a good thing.

But … I also was hesitant to see Juno as well and ended up loving it. So, I guess I might just have to check out this movie once it hits the theater.

I’m curious though … what’s your opinion? Would you go see it? Are you offended by the content of this film? Or do you find it hilarious? And furthermore … do you think this portrays Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART) in a good or a bad way?

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Dream A Little Dream

I had an incredible dream last night. One that I haven’t had in at least three years.

Last night I dreamt I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. It was such a vivid dream in which I could literally see the second line appearing in front of my eyes. I was in such shock that I literally climbed back into bed, pregnancy test in hand, and woke Hubby up to confirm what I was seeing was NOT a mirage. And as he slowly woke up and opened his eyes, he confirmed that I wasn’t “seeing things” by the silly lopsided grin he had on his face. Both of us were in complete awe because Hubby & I hadn’t even been trying.


Nope. Never had one of these. Ever.

In the dream, we were so excited about the results that Hubby made it a point to take the day off from work to be with me as I went to doctor’s office. I didn’t even bother calling to make an appointment because apparently I already had one scheduled for that day. So we went into the office and as the nurse brought me into the room, she asked me where my Lupron prescription was. You see … in my dream, that appointment was supposed to be the day I was going to receive my first dose of Lupron. Instead, Hubby & I first looked at each other with these all-knowing grins, turned back to the nurse and said in unison, “We’re pregnant!”

And that, sadly, was the end of my dream.

I know why I had that dream. I know that all the recent events that have transpired over the past two months, let alone the past week has got my subconscious once again thinking about pregnancy … or rather, the lack of pregnancy. I know that the news of multiple co-workers’ who are about to become first-time grandmothers is affecting me. I know that the news of my SIL and our good friend in Portland’s pregnancies are also affecting me. And I damn know for sure that the whole endometriosis / Lupron thing is weighing heavily on my mind. Not to mention that these next few weeks are all leading up to the fourth year anniversary of our one attempt at IVF.

Those are the realities of my life. Those I understand and can make sense of. What I can’t grasp on to is that after three frickin’ years of not having any type of pregnancy dreams, why must I still continue to have them?