"You'd be happy wrapped in my apron strings"
Someone needs to shoot (and kill) the Marketing Department / Ad Agency for Always. Seriously.
Whoever the freakin’ frack came up with the slogan “Have a happy period” obviously:
With that said … it’s time for me to crawl back into bed and resurface once bloating and exhaustion subside.
(Update 11.17.2008: I’ve decided to split up this post into two parts in order to allow for parts of this previously PWP post to be finally visible.
To view the first part of this long post, click here.)
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Which brings me to the next item of things I’m keeping under wraps for now. This one concerns my career; which has been absolutely blooming as of late. An interesting turn of events, given what happened in my last work-related post.
For starters, the Continuous Improvement Workgroup (CIW) has officially closed out its first phase. With the exception of having to participate in a couple of presentations (one of which is to the major Senior Executives and Board members … yikes!), I am all but done with my commitment to this group. Except … well, of course there’s always the next phase. Otherwise it wouldn’t be a “Continuous” process.
Those of us that participated this time around were invited back to continue the work that we had started. After all the h*ll I went through these past 10 months, I took a couple weeks to decide if I wanted to throw myself into the fire again. And I did decide not to participate this time around. The reason I gave in my email to the CIW project manager and our Vice President for our department was that participating in this group had consumed much much much more time than any of us expected. And this was blindingly obvious by the decrease in our “numbers” in comparison to the other staff. But then I get the email from my VP specifically asking me to reconsider, as I apparently brought a lot of insight and ideas to the CIW. And if that wasn’t a request for me to participate, then the fact that our VP specifically sought me out in a department meeting to ask me again in person … well, that certainly did. So really … how can one say no to something like that when your big big boss singles you out? Uh-huh …
So yay! Big pat on the back for a job well done. And ugh! How much more “good work” can I take on?
But that’s not what I’ve been all hush-hush about. Shortly after finishing up on the first phase of the CIW project, our whole department found out that our Director (who reports directly to the VP I mentioned above) accepted a VP position for one of our sister companies in another state. One particular state that Hubby & I had seriously considered moving to at one point in our lives. And because my Director and I had talked casually about this particular city in the past, I jokingly said to him that if a position should ever come available, he should think of me. His response? “Well if you find yourself moving into the area, you should definitely contact me. I know we have positions and if not, I’ll find something for you.”
Wow. That was all I needed to hear. And after Hubby & I discussed it at length, we decided that now would be the perfect time to take advantage of this type of opportunity. So as I type, hopefully the email I sent with my resume attached finds its way to his desk. At work. As the new VP for our sister company. And hopefully I’ll hear some good news soon.
The reason I haven’t said anything to other friends and families is because it’s too early in the game to spill the beans. Plus I’d hate to get my hopes up in the event that it all falls through. And if anyone else IRL (and in close proximity of me) knew that this is what we’re planning on as our “next big step,” I guess I’d feel as if I was jinxing myself. Make any sense?
So just keep Hubby & I in your thoughts and prayers so that I might get this opportunity, because I find myself really really wanting to make this change.
Part of the desire, of course, is to put all the hurt and pain of infertility behind me. Don’t get me wrong. I love my city. I have great pride in saying that I’m from Detroit. It’s just that the longer I’m here, the more the sad moments start to overshadow the happier moments. The more I feel left behind while others keep moving forward. The more I feel stuck, tied down … weighed down.
And the longer I stay here, the harder it gets for me to try to change the course of my life. Because I do want to move forward past my infertility. I do want infertility to stop being who I am. I want to take that step away from “Emily the Infertile” and become just “Emily.” Smart & witty Emily. Silly & fun Emily. Happy Emily.
So do I think moving away will solve my problems? No. I’m not as naive to think that running away will make things better. I know it will take a large part of strength to start a life in another city. I know I’ll have to work hard at making new friends (or perhaps reconnecting with old ones). I know that I won’t have the security of having family close by. I know that it will be just Hubby & me.
But I’m okay with that. And I’m pretty sure Hubby is okay with that as well. Because quite frankly, this “trying to start a family” thingy has taken a toll on the two of us. (Oh, who am I kidding? I’m sure I’m the one that stressed over the whole IF thing and therefore stressed Hubby out because I was majorly freaking out.) And perhaps rather than focusing on what’s happening with every one else around us and what’s not happening with us … we can start focusing on just us again.
Because even though it’s just been “Us” for the past 12 years (read: no kids), infertility has definitely changed the two of us as a married couple. We’re no longer that young, fresh-faced optimistic married couple that feels impenetrable. We’re no longer that couple that thinks that the harder you work towards something, the more we’re ensured to get what we want. We’re … or rather I’m … more jaded and disappointed; hesitant to trust that everything will work out in the end. That what goes around might take a little longer to come back around. Yet despite those challenges we’ve faced, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t I thank God that we are still madly in love with each other.
So if this opportunity to move out of state happens, I will definitely be comfortable with life just revolving around the two of us. And I think that placing some distance between those things (and people) that remind us on a daily basis of our hurt and disappointment will be a good thing.
Which brings me to the final reason I’ve kept this post PWP for now. And trust me … this is definitely the one thing I want to keep under wraps for now. So again … if I know you IRL and you run into people whom we both know, please please please do not spill the beans. So here goes …
Hubby & I both realize that with everything that has happened over the past year (both good and bad), we have reached a crossroad in our lives. We’ve come to the point where we need to know what to do next. And so … with the possibility of moving out of state and with the most recent emotional pain I’ve been through … Hubby & I have made the decision to take a stab at living child-free.
Yep. You read that right. Child-free.
And believe me, once I said it out loud (during a major cry session with Hubby, btw) it was as if a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders. And suddenly I felt like I could breathe again. And I finally felt as if I could confidently take a step away from “Emily the Infertile” and a step towards the other Emily, as in “Hubby & Emily” and their “infinite playlist.” (Lame reference to “Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist.” Which, if you’re a fan of making great mixed tapes or … ahem, I’m dating myself … mixed CD’s, you must see this movie!) And another step towards the “other” Emily; the smart and sassy one who does the best that she can possibly do to be successful in her career (whatever that may be).
This, of course, is not to say that we’ve closed off any notion towards starting our family at a later date. I mean, who knows? Maybe having the opportunity to choose to live child-free will give us the ability to not always think about the whole “we have no kids” issue, which could (hypothetically) lead to the whole “It finally happened when I *cringe* ‘just relaxed’!” Or it could afford us the strength and the finances we’d need to go through the adoption process.
Either way, this removes the focus of our relationship from “must have kids to care for” to “must care for ourselves and each other.” And hey … since we’ve really enjoyed traveling this year, perhaps this choice to live child-free will allow us to continue to travel with each other and explore different countries and “re-explore” ourselves together.
So those are the big things that have been weighing on my mind and in my heart lately.
I know, I know … monstrously BIG decisions. But I hope that they’re ones that will eventually lead my down the road to being happy and content with who I am as a person and who Hubby & I are together as a happily married couple.
And where do I go now with this blog? Yes, I’ll still be keeping it. And yes, it will most likely still be about longing for something. But perhaps maybe these “Apron Strings” are no longer symbolic for just the longing to have kids … it’ll be symbolic to the want … need … desire to find happiness and balance in both my personal and professional life. Both of which I’m sorely lacking any sense of of balance lately …
Wish Hubby & I luck and please send any prayers up to the “Big Guy” up there to help guide us in the right direction.
And as always … thanks for being the best listeners / readers in the whole wide world.
Today is my day off this week. I planned on working on special project for most of the day (details still forthcoming in a future post), but first I had to head over to my parents’ house to pick up more stuff for said project.
I forget what it’s like to be out driving around 10:30-ish on a week day. Mostly because 10-hour work days are spent indoors working furiously at my desk. So yes, I forget about the old folk out driving about 20-zillion miles below the speed limit. Or the multitude of service cars and trucks that zoom around you as if there was no one else on the road.
Or in my case today, watching at least three different groups of women walking around pushing baby strollers.
Okay, so not all of them were pushing strollers. Some of them were holding their pre-preschool kids’ hands as they walked. And others, well … they were pregnant. It was that image of pushing the baby stroller and/or being pregnant that reminded me of what I don’t have. Or rather … not necessarily what I don’t have, more than what I haven’t been able to experience.
In this case, it’s not about being pregnant or having a child. It’s more about the ability to form friendships with other women who are at the same stage of life that you are. A tribe of women, as a good friend once mentioned in her blog, that I can bond with and share.
I’ve always said that not having a sister to grow up with has limited me in my ability to form female bonds. There’s something to be said about having another female (about the same age) around to learn how to act and react to different social situations. Whether a woman is close to her sister or not, this relationship still teaches that woman about the female mind in ways that another “sister-less” woman cannot experience or understand.
I tend to think that this is one of my biggest flaws within my personality. This social ineptness, when it comes to forming relationships with other women. Up until Hubby & I started trying to start our family (and failing miserably), I would say that I had a fair amount of female friends. Ones that I would call up and make plans to go shopping or out to eat just so we can hang. Being in a profession dominated by women also helped form these friendships. But the longer Hubby & I went without having children, the more isolated we became. And that’s because these female friends went on to start their families and began to relate more with other women and couples that also had children. More and more, I began to have less in common with these friends.
Oh, I know not to place all the blame (if any blame at all) on these friends, who are now more like acquaintances. I know that friendship goes both ways. And I know that there are the times that I just didn’t make the effort to continue the friendship. But I also know that there are the times that I just couldn’t be the friend that they needed … my own pain, in my opinion, would have caused more of a rift in that friendship.
There’s another part of me that I believe has limited my ability to form long and lasting female friendships. And that is being a first-generation Asian/Filipino-American. (And for clarity’s sake, this means that my brother and I were born here in the US, while my parents were both born in the Philippines.) Growing up in my household always meant you had one foot in the traditional Asian mindset, while your other foot was learning to survive in the American culture and way of life. The traditional Filipino way meant that family and God (followed closely by education) always came first and anything else, such as friendships and after-school activities came in a distant last. And although the “American” part of me always wanted to make tons of friends and be involved in lots of activities, the “Asian” part of me held back considerably. Mainly because when I looked outward at myself and my family … I always knew that I was “different.”
So how about forming friendships with other first generation Asian- or Filipino-American women? Believe me, I do have those few friendships. And quite honestly, they’re probably the ones that have lasted the longest. I strongly believe that this is the case, mainly because we’ve stepped outside of our “Filipino-American” selves and truly know one another, outside of our personal issues (read: Emily’s infertility). That is simply because we’ve known each other for years. And we’ve bonded. And if they’re not family, then they are certainly the closest thing I have to family (without, of course, all the dysfunction).
The rest of the Asian/Filipino-Americans … definitely different story. Especially as it relates to infertility. Loribeth recently shared an article from Newsweek on her blog. While this article’s primary subject is about infertility and the lack of treatment in developing countries , there is a small focus about the ostracism of infertile women in these countries. Here’s a little taste of it:
The stigma that infertile women face can infiltrate every aspect of life. They may not even be invited to weddings or other important gatherings. “People see them as having a ‘bad eye’ that could make you infertile, too,” says Inhorn. “Infertile women are considered inauspicious.”
Other people simply “don’t want to have them around at joyous occasions,” says Frank van Balen, coauthor (with Inhorn) of “Infertility Around the Globe” and a professor in the department of social and behavioral sciences at the University of Amsterdam. Their reasoning: “they could spoil it,” he says.
The thing is … this article doesn’t just pertain to these women living in that particular country. This article reflects just about everything that I’ve, as an infertile, encountered here. In the US. Amongst family and friends. Within my culture.
That article basically summed up the reason why I started this blog in the first place. Because what I write here is everything I feel about myself and everything I could never say out loud.
This blog was meant to help me work my way through my infertility issues. It was a way for those family members and friends who would always ask us why we still didn’t have children know why without me or Hubby having to spill all the details out loud in which I would inevitably cry. It was a way for me to feel comfortable telling my story, without having the other person feel uncomfortable.
But apparently even by just writing these things, I still make certain people very uncomfortable and therefore ostracizing myself even moreso amongst my family and Filipino/Asian friends. Certain actions have made it quite evident over these past few weeks. Certain things have forced me to evaluate exactly whom I want to be closest to me at my most difficult times.
It’s because of those actions, I have debated about taking down this blog. Or making it strictly password-protected for those who would be genuinely interested in following my rants.
But then I thought … how many other Asian-American / Filipino-American women or couples are out there that are going through similar things that I’ve experienced? How many are out there longing for some sort of bond with others going through something just as painful? How many more of us are out there that feel ostracized and alone?
I know what it was like to meet all of my infertility friends through blogging. And even though we might not share the same cultural considerations … I do know that they are going through the same (or similar) hurt and anger and pain that I’ve gone through while traveling on my IF journey.
And it’s because of you girls I’ve felt less lonely … less ostracized. I’ve felt as if I could go out to meet you for a “virtual walk” at around, oh … let’s say 9 pm … (when most of us are known to read/blog the most) and bond.
So I decided to keep my blog “password-free” (except maybe for the occasional post). My hope is that this blog is still a way to communicate with those people who want to continue with me along my IF journey. But it is also my hope that it be available for those Asian- and Filipino-Americans (as well as those that are not … Asian, that is) traveling down the infertility road alone and looking for some company.