Category: Infertility

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Fleas On My Dog

No … there are no fleas on my puppy-girl, Kozzy. Actually, this is the way that my co-worker sings the Christmas carol, “Feliz Navidad.”

“Ah … now I get it,” I can hear y’all chuckling. But what does this Christmas carol have to do about Thanksgiving … other than the fact that today (or tomorrow, how ever you want to look at it) is the “official start” of the Holiday season?

Well, funny you should ask. Last year at this time Hubby & I, along with my parents, were on a Caribbean Cruise. One of the days was spent in Cozumel, Mexico where, as we stepped off the “boat” all I could hear throughout the plaza was that Christmas carol. And just the thought of hearing a Mexican Christmas Carol while in Mexico … it just had me in hysterics.

Anyway.

It’s about 8:00 am on Thanksgiving morning. Hubby’s getting some much needed sleep in the bedroom while I’m on the couch typing away on my lappie. I’m still getting these horrible coughing fits, but for the most part I’m feeling much better. Although, I have this feeling I’ll be losing my voice by the end of the day today. Damn sore throat.

Plans for today include lunch with my parents after the traditional Filipino Thanksgiving Mass. My parents asked us if we were going to attend; in which I promptly said that this morning was the only opportunity for us to unwind before another busy weekend. Which, in a sense, is the plain truth. But I also just honestly don’t feel like having to deal with the inevitable social conversations that involve Filipino acquaintances commenting on our child-less status. Seriously, there’s only so much of this an infertile can take … even if it’s been more than ten years! But seriously, it should be a nice sit-down lunch with my parents at the local Italian restaurant.

What?! Did you just say restaurant?!

Mmhmm. Yes. Emily, with or without the apron strings, is not exactly that great of a cook. And quite frankly, while I can do a turkey dinner, it just doesn’t seem to make much sense to do so when it’s only going to be the four of us. Oh, I suppose I could invite Hubby’s family and the other members of my side of the family … but then that would mean 20+ people in our home which, at most is only comfortable to fit five around the table. So yes … turkey lunch at a restaurant with my parents.

But don’t you worry, we’ll still have the traditional turkey fixin’s. At Hubby’s parents house. Later tonite. Where YAY! I get to see my nephew and niece. And BOO! Might not get to hold niece because of being a bad sicko.

So overall, busy day. But one that will be spent with family. After all … isn’t that what holidays are about?

Oh, and technically this is also supposed to be the day to express gratitude … so, without further ado …

Things to be extra-thankful of this year:

  1. An incredible husband who takes care of me when I’m sick (and we’re talking both physically and emotionally), and who has been my rock for the past 12 years.
  2. Loving and supportive parents who understand the reason for upcoming changes
  3. IRL friends and co-workers (not to mention bosses) that have also been supportive and excited for my upcoming change in employment
  4. Extra-wonderful pets … who have no idea what changes are store for all of us, but who are always willing to snuggle with me and give me some furbaby love
  5. An incredible online group of friends who have weathered with me during some of THE MOST difficult times in my life over the past year

    And last but certainly not least,

  6. God for giving me back a little bit of faith in this world. That somehow when one door closes … another door opens. Even though it might not be the door that you were hoping would open.

Happy Thanksgiving, Blogland!!

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Love Actually

I’m in the midst of finally catching up on much blog reading, after having called in sick yesterday. That cold turned out to be another bout of bronchitis, methinks. I’m actually down to some 20 more posts I need to read (most of which are yours, Pam … sorry! I just thoroughly enjoy reading your posts leisurely, as they are so poignant and beautiful).

And as Hubby (who coincidentally was working at home yesterday) and I flipped through the channels last night, we stumbled on the movie “Love Actually.”

Perfect, both of us thought. As coincidentally we had talked about when we should watch that movie this year. It’s been a yearly tradition for us to watch it around the holidays, as it’s listed as one of my most favorite movies of all time.

I love that it’s a myriad of different love stories that are weaved together, almost seemingly. And that it isn’t just the typical romance love story centered around the holidays. It’s certainly is a story about love during the holidays … but a variety of different loves. From unrequited love, to love lost, to love despite language barriers, to the love of friends and family.

The reason I love to watch this movie around the holidays is not only because it manages to get the childless infertile me into the holiday spirit, but it manages to remind me about what love is supposed to be about.

Not the romanticized version of it … not the one where a person wakes up and suddenly realizes that they can’t live without the other. Or the one where the two stars … despite the all that happens throughout the movie … finally get together in the end.

The love that this movie reminds me about is the every day kind of love. The love that endures the hardship and pain. The love that survives despite the every day things. And the not so every day things.

And for me, this movie reminds me about the kind of love that can survive infertility.

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Flying High

I am totally on cloud nine right now. The events over the past week and the reality that’s about to come has got me flying high.

I wish I could un-PWP those specific posts that can better explain the reason for such emotions. Unfortunately there are those certain aspects of our lives that won’t exactly allow us to shout it from the rooftops. At least for now.

In any case, this news has definitely added a skip to my step, a slight upturn to my lips … a light at the end of a really long and dark tunnel.

For once in a very long time, this change in tides just feels right. After years of banging my head up against a brick wall … of going through doors that seem to lead to nowhere … this path finally seemed to be the correct one. And the doors? They have amazingly been opening up all on their own. What a relief after years of struggling to open one door just to face the next locked door.

But I’m not taking anything for granted. I am truly relishing this moment. Because I know that moments like this are few and far between. Truth be told, the last time I’ve felt this excited … and full of optimism … was the two years before and the two years after our wedding. And that was more than ten years ago. (Wow. I just realize that it’s been that long …) Not that we haven’t had great times and haven’t formed a multitude of incredible memories and experiences … it’s just that we haven’t had that “anything is possible” feeling since then.

And especially since boarding that roller coaster ride called “Infertility.” Because really, there’s only so much “impossibility” (read: hopelessness, aka BFN … as in “Big Fat Negative” pregnancy test) that one can take.

Which is why I know not to take anything for granted. Seeing as I know that, even though at this very moment these doors are unlocked … it only takes a second for them to slam shut and to once again be dead-bolted.

So I’m going to relish this “high” for as long as I possibly can.

"All you need is Love"
Jumping for Joy in Las Vegas at The Beatles "Love" Cirque Du Soleil
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Accepted

(Update 03.19.2009: Now that the cat’s out of the bag, I can finally un-PWP this post!)

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Well … it’s official. I accepted the supervisor position. And at close to the salary I wanted with an added sign-on bonus, too. BONUS!!!

So all that’s left is to complete the drug screen and the background check. And apply for this state’s RN license. And find a place to live. At least those are the most immediate things I need to do. Before my start date which is unofficially January 5th.

I finally told my parents last night. And amazingly, they took it pretty well. I think deep down they knew that there just seemed to be something missing in our life. And as wonderful as our marriage was, we just didn’t seem to be happy. So I think that when I told them how this whole opportunity just seemed to be calling out to us, I think that sold them on the idea.

I probably won’t tell my current employer until I get the official notice; which should happen after the drug screen and background check are completed. But in the mean time … since you guys have been so incredibly awesome and patient with me, the least I can do is tell you where we’ll officially be moving.

Unfortunately, Kara … it’s not California, although it would have been awesome to move out that way. I can tell you that perhaps one day we will move out further west; as that would be both Hubby & my dream to live close to the Pacific. And no, Pam … it’s not Minnesota either. Or Indiana, Io. But where I’ll be will definitely be a closer drive for all of us to visit each other.

Yes, Hubby & I will still be in the Midwest … Chicago, to be exact. It’s a city that Hubby & I have always talked about moving to, even back in our college days. Except the opportunity just never seemed to surface. And then any chance of moving stalled once we took the journey down the infertility road. Because starting our family became our priority.

Now, it appears that this city is calling to us again. And lately, all the signs have been pointing us to that direction. And I am So. Frickin. Excited!!

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"Fortune"-ate

 (Update 03.19.2009: Now that the cat’s out of the bag, I can finally un-PWP this post!)

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Focus on your long-term term goal.
Good things will soon happen.

– Fortune Cookie from Chinese Take-out
(Last night’s dinner, by the way … )

Wow. I mean seriously. Wow. I’m still in a bit of shock over the news I received yesterday, and I’m still completely giddy with excitement.

Wednesday afternoon I received a call. From the HR person I’ve been dealing with. Unfortunately, I missed the call and by the time I realized it, it was way past the time for me to call back. So I had to wait until the morning to call.

In the mean time, I was trying to send out my follow-up letters to both the HR person I finally met face to face this past Monday and the manager of the department I was interviewing in. So Wednesday night, I finished writing the letters and thought briefly about snail-mailing them out. But seeing as if I already received one call, I figured that I could send the letter by email instead … at least for the time being.

So about 11:30 pm that night, I shipped out both emails and thought nothing about it; hoping that the HR person would read it in the morning before I called him back.

Five minutes later … I receive a reply. From the manager that I interviewed with. At 11:30 pm EST. Which means it was still late evening where she was. Yikes … I was totally not expecting that! But basically she said that it was nice meeting me too, and that I should contact the HR rep for “the next steps.”

So I’m thinking that perhaps the call is to set up an interview with the Director of the department for the supervisor position I also interviewed for. Or maybe I was going to be offered the Case Manager position instead; which would have been fine, but then I’d have been concerned about the salary and still having to make the move out of our state. Either way, I was prepared for the call.

So yesterday morning, I call shortly after what I assume is the HR person’s starting time and leave a message. And wait for about an hour. When HR guy finally calls, I’m taken completely by surprise. Because rather than calling to set up another interview, he’s calling to offer me a position. The supervisor position.

That’s right … the supervisor position!

HOLY CRAP!! I GOT OFFERED THE JOB!!!

Okay, so before I get too excited … I still have to officially accept the position and the salary that’s currently being negotiated (which are going good, by the way …). And well, I still have to take the requisite drug screen (no poppy seeds for me). But …

HOLY CRAP!! I GOT OFFERED THE JOB!!!

Okay, so now that I got that out of the way … I can’t believe how, thus far, things have been falling neatly into place. How finding out about my (now ex-) Director’s move to a new company out of state coincided with a very emotionally difficult time in my life (read: niece’s birth). How the opportunity to review my resume and forward it on spurred me to even contemplating such a move. How we got such an awesome deal on lodging that I didn’t realize was right next to the building I’d be interviewing in. How, even though Hubby was sick over the weekend, that gave me the chance to rest up and relax before the big interview. How the manager I interviewed with happened to be Filipino. How her supervisor happened to be someone that shared my views about teamwork and leadership. And how my ex-Director picked the most opportune moment to peak in the meeting room just to say hi to me.

Now, y’all know my stance with my Catholicism. I’m spiritual to a point, but then my scientific and logical reasoning takes over. But let me tell you … right now, I believe that The Big Man Upstairs has been seriously watching over me. That He’s felt my pain and frustration with everything I’ve been dealing with, that He’s noticed all the anxiety and tears I’ve let loose. And that at this moment, when I just needed something to go my way for once, He’s opened a few doors. And I am so grateful for this.

By no means am I completely clear of any obstacles, though. There’s still all the other logistics that need to be addressed. Selling our house in a depressed economy (this is metro-Detroit, after all … the Motor City ain’t doing so good right now). Finding a place to live in the mean time. Paying for both places until our house sells. All those logistics.

Yes, I know I’m putting the cart in front of the horse right now. But haven’t you noticed? It’s in my nature to worry about these things. But I pray that these things go as smoothly as (knock on wood) things have been going thus far.

So again, if anybody has The Big Man Upstairs on their speed dial, would you mind continuing to put a good word in for me?

And now, if you’ll excuse me … I’m going to do the “Dance of Joy.”

_

(Update 03.19.2009: Now that the cat’s out of the bag, I can finally un-PWP this post!)

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