Category: Infertility

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"Fortune"-ate

 (Update 03.19.2009: Now that the cat’s out of the bag, I can finally un-PWP this post!)

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Focus on your long-term term goal.
Good things will soon happen.

– Fortune Cookie from Chinese Take-out
(Last night’s dinner, by the way … )

Wow. I mean seriously. Wow. I’m still in a bit of shock over the news I received yesterday, and I’m still completely giddy with excitement.

Wednesday afternoon I received a call. From the HR person I’ve been dealing with. Unfortunately, I missed the call and by the time I realized it, it was way past the time for me to call back. So I had to wait until the morning to call.

In the mean time, I was trying to send out my follow-up letters to both the HR person I finally met face to face this past Monday and the manager of the department I was interviewing in. So Wednesday night, I finished writing the letters and thought briefly about snail-mailing them out. But seeing as if I already received one call, I figured that I could send the letter by email instead … at least for the time being.

So about 11:30 pm that night, I shipped out both emails and thought nothing about it; hoping that the HR person would read it in the morning before I called him back.

Five minutes later … I receive a reply. From the manager that I interviewed with. At 11:30 pm EST. Which means it was still late evening where she was. Yikes … I was totally not expecting that! But basically she said that it was nice meeting me too, and that I should contact the HR rep for “the next steps.”

So I’m thinking that perhaps the call is to set up an interview with the Director of the department for the supervisor position I also interviewed for. Or maybe I was going to be offered the Case Manager position instead; which would have been fine, but then I’d have been concerned about the salary and still having to make the move out of our state. Either way, I was prepared for the call.

So yesterday morning, I call shortly after what I assume is the HR person’s starting time and leave a message. And wait for about an hour. When HR guy finally calls, I’m taken completely by surprise. Because rather than calling to set up another interview, he’s calling to offer me a position. The supervisor position.

That’s right … the supervisor position!

HOLY CRAP!! I GOT OFFERED THE JOB!!!

Okay, so before I get too excited … I still have to officially accept the position and the salary that’s currently being negotiated (which are going good, by the way …). And well, I still have to take the requisite drug screen (no poppy seeds for me). But …

HOLY CRAP!! I GOT OFFERED THE JOB!!!

Okay, so now that I got that out of the way … I can’t believe how, thus far, things have been falling neatly into place. How finding out about my (now ex-) Director’s move to a new company out of state coincided with a very emotionally difficult time in my life (read: niece’s birth). How the opportunity to review my resume and forward it on spurred me to even contemplating such a move. How we got such an awesome deal on lodging that I didn’t realize was right next to the building I’d be interviewing in. How, even though Hubby was sick over the weekend, that gave me the chance to rest up and relax before the big interview. How the manager I interviewed with happened to be Filipino. How her supervisor happened to be someone that shared my views about teamwork and leadership. And how my ex-Director picked the most opportune moment to peak in the meeting room just to say hi to me.

Now, y’all know my stance with my Catholicism. I’m spiritual to a point, but then my scientific and logical reasoning takes over. But let me tell you … right now, I believe that The Big Man Upstairs has been seriously watching over me. That He’s felt my pain and frustration with everything I’ve been dealing with, that He’s noticed all the anxiety and tears I’ve let loose. And that at this moment, when I just needed something to go my way for once, He’s opened a few doors. And I am so grateful for this.

By no means am I completely clear of any obstacles, though. There’s still all the other logistics that need to be addressed. Selling our house in a depressed economy (this is metro-Detroit, after all … the Motor City ain’t doing so good right now). Finding a place to live in the mean time. Paying for both places until our house sells. All those logistics.

Yes, I know I’m putting the cart in front of the horse right now. But haven’t you noticed? It’s in my nature to worry about these things. But I pray that these things go as smoothly as (knock on wood) things have been going thus far.

So again, if anybody has The Big Man Upstairs on their speed dial, would you mind continuing to put a good word in for me?

And now, if you’ll excuse me … I’m going to do the “Dance of Joy.”

_

(Update 03.19.2009: Now that the cat’s out of the bag, I can finally un-PWP this post!)

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Highlighting IF

Anybody else watch “Without A Trace” last night? It was interesting episode about a missing wife. Of course the first person they suspected was the husband. Apparently neighbors had mentioned to the investigators that the husband and wife were fighting often.

So when they went to question the husband, he tells them the reason they’ve been arguing lately. When they first got married, they immediately started trying to start their family. In his words, he said he wasn’t so worried at first; that things would happen in time. But after a year of trying, they still weren’t pregnant.

In the next scene, they show the husband coming into their bedroom all geared up and “ready to go” (if you catch my drift). Except the wife is getting ready for work instead. “Did I get my signals mixed?,” he asks and then rattles off that he thought her temp had spiked, the LH was up and the fertility monitor said that all systems were go. When the wife turns to him, she has this incredibly sad look on her face and basically tells him that she has too much to do and so many deadlines to meet at work … except that doesn’t look like the reason she appears despondent. And of course the husband sits down next to her and hugs her; tells her that one of the things that they talked about was controlling and reducing their stress.

And before I had the chance to get all pissed off about the whole “Just Relax” bit, the husband redeemed himself by saying to the investigators, “No one ever tells you how hard it is when you have problems making a baby.” (Or something like that, anyway.)

Well, the rest of the story was irrelevant (to me, anyway). We later find out that the wife was pregnant and had a baby in her teenage years. And that apparently she developed an infection in her ovaries that have now made her incapable of getting pregnant. Really, I was just incredibly surprised of the less than 2 minute period spotlighting infertility. And how “real” a condition this show made this couple’s infertility.

While I think they could have focused on the infertility aspect a little more … I’m just happy that they did. Because I think it’s important that there be more media attention on infertility and how it affects every aspect of a couple’s life.

What about you? Have you encountered any other shows or newspaper/magazine articles or movies that have approached the subject of infertility? And did you think they portrayed it in an appropriate way?

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Bit O' Tears

Cutie Girl: “Mom, can we go over that girls’ house?”
FB Friend: “What girl?”
Cutie Girl: “You know, that girl, my friend with the dog and the cats . . . she said I can come over anytime.”
FB Friend: “Well, I’m sure we’ll have to see if it’s okay with her mom”

– Posted on my Face.book Wall

Two Saturdays ago, we celebrated my niece’s baptism with a party afterwards at my in-laws house. At that party was one of my Hubby’s family friends and her 5 year old daughter. This little girl is so precocious; so bright that you can’t help but be infected by her laughter, enthralled in conversation with her.

This past weekend, her mom posted the above conversation on my Facebook wall. And I can’t tell you how big my heart swelled when I read it. Wow, I thought. I must have made some sort of impression on Cutie Girl. That she would remember such a conversation that even I couldn’t remember. (But then again, when don’t little kids remember more details than adults?)

And as I mentioned in previous posts, I’ve been spending a lot of time with my cousins. First, with my older cousin’s wedding. And more recently, with my youngest cousin’s cotillion. As family usually does when gathering together in such occassions, we began to reminisce on our youth; on growing up in our family. Two of my cousins, sisters about 6 and 8 years younger than I am, brought up how much they used to love staying at our house. They remembered all the times we’d play in our basement; me pulling them down the stairs in sleeping bags and all around the basement while pretending that they were on a roller coaster. They remember how I used to get them to do silly dance routines with me when I was 13 or 14 to great 80’s songs like Wha.m’s “Wake Me Up (Before You Go-Go)” and Rob Bas.e’s “It Takes Two.” And they remembered how, when I was in high school, I would teach them to sing Depec.he Mo.de songs in perfect harmony. The one comment that stuck with me was when one of them said to me, “You were my favorite cousin when I was a kid. You were always so much fun.”

On the drive home from our trip this past weekend, I couldn’t help but put these two separate events together. And think, once again, how much I love kids … how much I’ve always loved kids. And, while I don’t mean to sound arrogant or proud, how good I am with them. How natural it was for me to be with them.

And at that moment, I also couldn’t help but think … how f*cking ironic that I can’t have any of my own; at least “naturally.”

As I told Hubby these thoughts, I also told him that the pain … it doesn’t hurt as much any more. This feeling of failure; of emptiness. This indescribable sadness. It’s not as deep.

But every once in awhile … at moments like that, I can’t help but spill a bit of tears.

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Freedom of Choice

So yeah … this is going to be one of those long, rambling posts. One where I will express my opinions about ethical issues. Besides, what better time to do this; less than a week after Election Day?

Remember Michigan’s Proposal 2? It’s the proposal that allows stem cell research within the State of Michigan? The same proposal that had gotten many conservative “Pro-Life”-er’s up in arms? The same one in which had my Mom placing a “2 Goes 2 Far” bumper sticker on her car? (Which, by the way, I took off her car before having to go pick them up from the airport last Thursday … 😛 )

This is the same proposal that had me on the fence for a long time on if I should vote yes or no during the election this past Tuesday. And as I mentioned in passing, I struggled with my decision because of my own experience with IVF.

Like many others, there was so much involved when Hubby & I went through our IVF cycle. First there was all the medication (read: shots) I had to take. Then there were all the “blood donations” I made to the laboratory (read: vampire) to measure my hormone levels; sometimes on a daily basis. And of course, there’s those “special dates” I had with the US tech and her “magic wand.” All of this was done so that my IVF doc (called a Reproductive Endocrinologist, or RE for short) could gain some sort of a “controlled environment” over my (already screwed up) body in order to achieve the “optimal conditions” (read: lots of eggies to fertilize and a cushy uterus to house any baby blastocytes) for a pregnancy.

When we entered our IVF cycle, we basically knew that we were giving ourselves (mind and body) over to the process. If we were told that I needed to go into the office for lab draws and an ultrasound; we didn’t question why, we just did it. If I was told to increase the dose of my medication in order to stimulate follicle growth, I knew I hated to give myself more hormones… but I still did it. Because the end result of a successful pregnancy and live birth is what Hubby & I were aiming for. And we obviously wanted biological child of our own so much, that we were willing to give up anything to achieve it.

To say that we lost a little bit of control over the situation at hand is an understatement. Actually, it was probably about twenty yards BELOW what an understatement normally would be. Simply put, in the midst of an IVF cycle: There. Is. NO. Control.

Now, I bet you’re wondering why I’m reliving this aspect of my life. And what this all has to do about Proposal 2. But before I explain … let’s go through exactly what was written in this proposal:

In basic language, Proposal 2 allows stem cell research on human embryos that were created soley for the purpose of fertility treatments. There are strict criteria for what kind of human embryos can be use. First of all, the embryos must be voluntarily donated specifically by the person(s) seeking fertility treatments; and this must be documented in writing. Second of all, the embryos donated should be either in excess of the clinical needs of the person seeking treatment and would otherwise be destroyed if not donated … OR the embryos donated were not suitable for implantation and would also otherwise be destroyed if not donated. And finally, no stem cells may be taken from any human embryo more than 14 days after cell division begins.

(Sidenote: Why 14 days you may wonder? Prior to the 14 days, the fertilized egg is technically still called a blastocyte. After 14 days, when the blastocyte begins to divide and properly turn into the placenta and the umbilical cord, the blastocyte is then considered an embryo. For an in-depth explanation of these stages, click on these links. For a basic, non-medical explanation, click here.)

Okay, now that it’s explained … let me focus on one specific part of that proposal. The part that says voluntarily donated. And now go back to what I said before. About having no control over the situation when going through the IVF process.

When starting the actual IVF process … when literally signing up for an IVF cycle, not only is there a lot of instructions given up front, but there is also a ton of paperwork to go through. Most of that paperwork has to do with timetables, schedules, and payment of services.

But there’s also all the legal paperwork; the stuff that forced Hubby and me to slow down and really think about what we were getting ourselves into. How many blastocytes did we want to implant at one time? (Two) Did we want to freeze any remaining blastocytes for a possible future frozen cycle? (Yes) After one year, what would you like to do with the frozen blastocytes? (Will decide after the one year) If something should happen to either partner, who decides what to do with the blastocytes? (Remaining spouse or designated relative, if neither spouse is physically able to make the decision) And finally, in the event of a divorce, what would you like to have done to the frozen blastocytes?

Up until that moment, the questions were simple. And the choices provided to us were obvious to us. But that last question … that one stumped us. First of all, neither one of us could fathom not being married to one another … especially at that moment, when we were over our heads in baby-making.

And then the options? Woh. Talk about having to make major decision. We could either give that decision to one or the other. We could choose to have the remaining blastocytes destroyed. Or we could choose to donate them for research.

These were one of those ethical issues. Those choices that had you literally deciding between life and death. Because even though I’m far from being a full-fledged, card-carrying Catholic “Right-To-Life”-er … and even though science tells me that a blastocyte is technically not an embryo or even a fetus for that matter … I believe that what is formed during conception (whether if it’s “naturally” or through IVF) has the ability to become a life.

Just for added emphasis, let me reiterate it again.

I am a Pro-choice Catholic who’s scientific reasoning believes that what is formed during conception … even if it was created through IVF … has the ability to become a life.

How oxymoron-ish does that sound?! But I do believe that if any reasonable person thinks long and hard about everything involved in creating a life and the circumstances that surround the creation of a life (from love and sex … all the way to rape and abuse) will feel the same way I do.

And that’s because when trying to create Hubby’s and my biological child, we had to think long and hard about those decisions. And we had to make choices about what we’d want to do in any given situation.

As difficult as it was and even though our IVF cycle did not result in a pregnancy … what I was most grateful for when looking back at it now, was that we were given choices.

Choices. In the midst of everything else that we had no control over. Choices during a situation in which it seems impossible to make decisions. Choices to do what we feel is best for us at that moment. Choices.

So ultimately, with my election ballot in front of me … during a time where it was not a life and death situation … I chose to vote YES on Proposal 2.

Because even though Hubby and I chose not to donate our one single blastocyte left over from our IVF cycle, I want other people going through IVF treatments to be able to have some sort of control … a “choice“, if you will … to know that their donation will assist in the research that will benefit other people who absolutely have no control over their various health issues.

And (even though I’m prepared to get H*LL for my vote) I’m happy that other 53% of Michigan voters voted the same way, too.