Infertility – Page 28 – Apron Strings for Emily

04 December 2008

Labs and Legos

What part of me thought that having my cholesterol levels checked a week after Thanksgiving was a good idea?! Oh, that’s right … I wasn’t thinking, that’s why!

Yes, this morning I get to go to El Doc’s office to have my blood drawn. And it’s supposed to see how I did after three months of being on a cholesterol-lowering drug. And if I did well with my low fat diet.

Uhm … methinks that I may have failed this test again. What can I say?! It’s been a stressful three months? Well, at least November turned out to be a good stressful month.

Okay quit making excuses, Em. I should just fess up and say that I totally suck at taking care of myself. Others? Sure, I can take care of them. After all, I’m a frickin’ Registered Nut — oh, I mean Nurse. But like many of my other health care professionals, I have this tendency to worry about others’ well-being rather than myself. After all, isn’t that the reason why I got into my G*d-awful state of depression in the first place? Thinking that my feelings of self-worth and health as it related to my infertility was nothing compared to others’ issues?

But once again, I digress. Perhaps this next year, with all the changes in store, will be a better year. And I can start focusing on myself again.

Which, by the way … I have officially cleared my background check (Yay! I’m not a criminal!) and can now officially announce to my current employer that I’m leaving as of the end of this month.

Anyhoo … really, what I was going to post about was my Hubby’s 8-year old cousin. Who, as he grows older, reminds me more and more of a school-aged To.bey Ma.guire in Sp.iderm.an (the first one, that is).

We saw this particular cousin on Thanksgiving, along with his older brother (who is 12 and is such a good kid ). He was one of those kids that decided to snuggle up next to me while watching a movie that night. And afterwards as we played Rock.band, I would listen to him tell me about stories at school. How his favorite subjects were science and math.

Holy crap, I thought, at that age my favorite subject was art and recess!! This kid, who has always loved to talk about hurricanes and tornadoes and other “natural disasters,” is going to be one heck of a smarty pants. Seriously. As if he’s not one precocious smarty pants now. At eight.

So that prompted me to ask him what he wanted to be when he grew up. “Uhm,” he said, as he cocked his chin up at an angle and propped his index finger on his cheek. “I wanna be a scientist.” Which I could totally see him being a meteorologist one day. Or a researcher in some university lab.

And then he added, “Or a Le.go designer.”

“A Le.go designer?,” I asked, kinda chuckling under my breath. “Why is that?!”

“Well,” he answered. “I’m really good at designing things with Le.gos and I have some reaally cool ideas!”

So there you have it. My Hubby’s cousin is a future Le.go designer. Or engineer. Or architect. Either way … he’s gonna be something special.

As if that wasn’t funny enough, that weekend while we were in suburbs of Chicago we happened to pass by one of the local shopping centers. And what do we see?! Uh-hmm. A Le.goLand store. So we just had to stop in to check it out. And right as you enter the store, there’s this massive face of none other than Albert Einstein, made completely of Le.gos.

Somehow, I think this could have been one of those ideas that Hubby’s cousin would think of, if he was already working for Le.go.

27 November 2008

Fleas On My Dog

No … there are no fleas on my puppy-girl, Kozzy. Actually, this is the way that my co-worker sings the Christmas carol, “Feliz Navidad.”

“Ah … now I get it,” I can hear y’all chuckling. But what does this Christmas carol have to do about Thanksgiving … other than the fact that today (or tomorrow, how ever you want to look at it) is the “official start” of the Holiday season?

Well, funny you should ask. Last year at this time Hubby & I, along with my parents, were on a Caribbean Cruise. One of the days was spent in Cozumel, Mexico where, as we stepped off the “boat” all I could hear throughout the plaza was that Christmas carol. And just the thought of hearing a Mexican Christmas Carol while in Mexico … it just had me in hysterics.

Anyway.

It’s about 8:00 am on Thanksgiving morning. Hubby’s getting some much needed sleep in the bedroom while I’m on the couch typing away on my lappie. I’m still getting these horrible coughing fits, but for the most part I’m feeling much better. Although, I have this feeling I’ll be losing my voice by the end of the day today. Damn sore throat.

Plans for today include lunch with my parents after the traditional Filipino Thanksgiving Mass. My parents asked us if we were going to attend; in which I promptly said that this morning was the only opportunity for us to unwind before another busy weekend. Which, in a sense, is the plain truth. But I also just honestly don’t feel like having to deal with the inevitable social conversations that involve Filipino acquaintances commenting on our child-less status. Seriously, there’s only so much of this an infertile can take … even if it’s been more than ten years! But seriously, it should be a nice sit-down lunch with my parents at the local Italian restaurant.

What?! Did you just say restaurant?!

Mmhmm. Yes. Emily, with or without the apron strings, is not exactly that great of a cook. And quite frankly, while I can do a turkey dinner, it just doesn’t seem to make much sense to do so when it’s only going to be the four of us. Oh, I suppose I could invite Hubby’s family and the other members of my side of the family … but then that would mean 20+ people in our home which, at most is only comfortable to fit five around the table. So yes … turkey lunch at a restaurant with my parents.

But don’t you worry, we’ll still have the traditional turkey fixin’s. At Hubby’s parents house. Later tonite. Where YAY! I get to see my nephew and niece. And BOO! Might not get to hold niece because of being a bad sicko.

So overall, busy day. But one that will be spent with family. After all … isn’t that what holidays are about?

Oh, and technically this is also supposed to be the day to express gratitude … so, without further ado …

Things to be extra-thankful of this year:

An incredible husband who takes care of me when I’m sick (and we’re talking both physically and emotionally), and who has been my rock for the past 12 years.
Loving and supportive parents who understand the reason for upcoming changes
IRL friends and co-workers (not to mention bosses) that have also been supportive and excited for my upcoming change in employment
Extra-wonderful pets … who have no idea what changes are store for all of us, but who are always willing to snuggle with me and give me some furbaby love
An incredible online group of friends who have weathered with me during some of THE MOST difficult times in my life over the past year
And last but certainly not least,
God for giving me back a little bit of faith in this world. That somehow when one door closes … another door opens. Even though it might not be the door that you were hoping would open.

Happy Thanksgiving, Blogland!!

22 November 2008

Love Actually

I’m in the midst of finally catching up on much blog reading, after having called in sick yesterday. That cold turned out to be another bout of bronchitis, methinks. I’m actually down to some 20 more posts I need to read (most of which are yours, Pam … sorry! I just thoroughly enjoy reading your posts leisurely, as they are so poignant and beautiful).

And as Hubby (who coincidentally was working at home yesterday) and I flipped through the channels last night, we stumbled on the movie “Love Actually.”

Perfect, both of us thought. As coincidentally we had talked about when we should watch that movie this year. It’s been a yearly tradition for us to watch it around the holidays, as it’s listed as one of my most favorite movies of all time.

I love that it’s a myriad of different love stories that are weaved together, almost seemingly. And that it isn’t just the typical romance love story centered around the holidays. It’s certainly is a story about love during the holidays … but a variety of different loves. From unrequited love, to love lost, to love despite language barriers, to the love of friends and family.

The reason I love to watch this movie around the holidays is not only because it manages to get the childless infertile me into the holiday spirit, but it manages to remind me about what love is supposed to be about.

Not the romanticized version of it … not the one where a person wakes up and suddenly realizes that they can’t live without the other. Or the one where the two stars … despite the all that happens throughout the movie … finally get together in the end.

The love that this movie reminds me about is the every day kind of love. The love that endures the hardship and pain. The love that survives despite the every day things. And the not so every day things.

And for me, this movie reminds me about the kind of love that can survive infertility.

19 November 2008

Flying High

I am totally on cloud nine right now. The events over the past week and the reality that’s about to come has got me flying high.

I wish I could un-PWP those specific posts that can better explain the reason for such emotions. Unfortunately there are those certain aspects of our lives that won’t exactly allow us to shout it from the rooftops. At least for now.

In any case, this news has definitely added a skip to my step, a slight upturn to my lips … a light at the end of a really long and dark tunnel.

For once in a very long time, this change in tides just feels right. After years of banging my head up against a brick wall … of going through doors that seem to lead to nowhere … this path finally seemed to be the correct one. And the doors? They have amazingly been opening up all on their own. What a relief after years of struggling to open one door just to face the next locked door.

But I’m not taking anything for granted. I am truly relishing this moment. Because I know that moments like this are few and far between. Truth be told, the last time I’ve felt this excited … and full of optimism … was the two years before and the two years after our wedding. And that was more than ten years ago. (Wow. I just realize that it’s been that long …) Not that we haven’t had great times and haven’t formed a multitude of incredible memories and experiences … it’s just that we haven’t had that “anything is possible” feeling since then.

And especially since boarding that roller coaster ride called “Infertility.” Because really, there’s only so much “impossibility” (read: hopelessness, aka BFN … as in “Big Fat Negative” pregnancy test) that one can take.

Which is why I know not to take anything for granted. Seeing as I know that, even though at this very moment these doors are unlocked … it only takes a second for them to slam shut and to once again be dead-bolted.

So I’m going to relish this “high” for as long as I possibly can.

"All you need is Love" — Jumping for Joy in Las Vegas at The Beatles "Love" Cirque Du Soleil

18 November 2008

Accepted

(Update 03.19.2009: Now that the cat’s out of the bag, I can finally un-PWP this post!)

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~

Well … it’s official. I accepted the supervisor position. And at close to the salary I wanted with an added sign-on bonus, too. BONUS!!!

So all that’s left is to complete the drug screen and the background check. And apply for this state’s RN license. And find a place to live. At least those are the most immediate things I need to do. Before my start date which is unofficially January 5th.

I finally told my parents last night. And amazingly, they took it pretty well. I think deep down they knew that there just seemed to be something missing in our life. And as wonderful as our marriage was, we just didn’t seem to be happy. So I think that when I told them how this whole opportunity just seemed to be calling out to us, I think that sold them on the idea.

I probably won’t tell my current employer until I get the official notice; which should happen after the drug screen and background check are completed. But in the mean time … since you guys have been so incredibly awesome and patient with me, the least I can do is tell you where we’ll officially be moving.

Unfortunately, Kara … it’s not California, although it would have been awesome to move out that way. I can tell you that perhaps one day we will move out further west; as that would be both Hubby & my dream to live close to the Pacific. And no, Pam … it’s not Minnesota either. Or Indiana, Io. But where I’ll be will definitely be a closer drive for all of us to visit each other.

Yes, Hubby & I will still be in the Midwest … Chicago, to be exact. It’s a city that Hubby & I have always talked about moving to, even back in our college days. Except the opportunity just never seemed to surface. And then any chance of moving stalled once we took the journey down the infertility road. Because starting our family became our priority.

Now, it appears that this city is calling to us again. And lately, all the signs have been pointing us to that direction. And I am So. Frickin. Excited!!