Category: Infertility

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Can't. Stop. Facebooking.

Whew. What a weekend. But it was a fun weekend, that’s for sure. I flew home to Detroit this past Friday for the purpose of taking my Mom out for her birthday. And for the added bonus, our good friend J’s birthday was also on Saturday. He planned an outing to celebrate his birthday at the local Dave & Busters and had extended the invitation to me. However, in efforts to surprise him I told him that I wasn’t going to be able to make it as I had to work on Saturday. So when I showed up Saturday evening, he was caught off guard. It was great to see his expression and was wonderful to catch up with him.

And yesterday, Hubby & I took my parents out to brunch this wonderful breakfast place by our homes. We sat, relaxed and caught up with all the going ons in our lives. They had just come back from Vegas and looked incredibly relaxed and happy. And Hubby & I filled them in on our new digs and I told them about my job.

I also managed to spend the whole weekend doing laundry. Yep; that’s right. Laundry. You see, our apartment does have a washer and dryer, except it hasn’t exactly been working. So … knowing that I had to take my laundry out of the building to get it washed and still have to pay for the machines … well, I figured I’d send a whole bin-full of dirty clothes home with Hubby last weekend and do my laundry for free at home! So now instead of having one carry-on of stuff (including this wonderful lappie of mine), I will be returning with a second carry-on bag. And Hubby will now have to bring the rest of the clean cloths back with him next weekend. I’ve told him that it could be his Valentine’s Day gift for me. (Woo-hoo! Clean underwear!! 🙂 )

The other thing I had done this past weekend (in between activities and laundry loads) was do a whole bunch of scanning of old photos. I’d been wanting to do this for awhile, but … 1) I had no scanner with me in the new digs, and 2) all the old photos were still back in Detroit. So being at home this past weekend afforded me the time to do some scanning.

And the added bonus was that I could start uploading some of these photos onto my Facebook (FB) page. Well, seeing all the comments from people that I had “tagged” on these photos has been a total hoot! It’s totally brought back so many fond memories of my youth all the way up to those initial post-college / pre-wedding days.

I realize that I’ve been totally addicted to FB lately. And I’m sure the reason is three-fold. One is because I’ve enjoyed keeping in touch with my family; Dr. Bro & Dr. SIL as well as my SIL and her Hubby. Yes, I realize how ironic that is … that I’ve managed to stay more “in-tuned” with my SIL since moving away from the area. But like we’ve both said in passing at one time or another, perhaps distance is what’s best for now. Besides, I know she’s been swamped with school (she’s going back for Nursing) and with caring both Kairi and Tyler. And I know I’ve been just a “tad” overwhelmed with my new job. At least on FB, we can do a quick status update to get an idea of what’s going on in our lives.

As for Dr. Bro and Dr. SIL … since they live clear across the country, this has been such a great (and inexpensive) way to “talk” to one another; to share with each other daily things. And plus, Dr. SIL *now* gets to see some pics of her Hubby in his youth. Ha!

The second reason I’ve been pretty active on FB is because I’ve been getting back in touch with all those friends I’ve lost touch with over the years. Many of them were friends I was really close with in high school; two of which I still get to see every once in a while, and a third who now literally lives a block and a half away from me. (It’s actually quite funny that we’ve chatted on FB and have even “Skype“-ed it one evening … when we could literally be at each others’ place in a matter of minutes!) Then there are those grade school and childhood friends … the ones I haven’t seen in decades. Those ones have been fun to see how much we’ve changed from then … and how we have so many of the same recollection of events. And seeing those photos of us? Yeah … what a blast!

Finally, the third reason I’ve been on FB is because I am simply in a new location without Hubby and have not established any new friendships in the area. And FB has been a way for me to socialize for the time-being. Oh, I know I’ve got cousins and my great HS friend here … but establishing new connections, new friendships? That hasn’t happened immediately. Yet. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I’m constantly at work. And while I have established some connection with a few people, being the “new kid” in both the company and the general area — let alone a “newbiew” in a leadership position — it’s been difficult trying to “feel” people out. And to be felt up in return. (Yeah, so that came out wrong … tee-hee!)

Realistically, I know that this won’t come straight away and that I need to give it time. I just find it strange how tough it’s become to establish new friendships. Seriously … it’s sometimes hard enough to maintain a connection with those people who might not be aware of the childless situation we’re in. Sometimes it’s difficult for either side of a friendship to understand the circumstances surrounding any situation either of us are in or have been in. Imagine trying to establish this connection with anyone new. Yeah, like I said … “difficult.”

But. I just so you know, I am making an effort. I am continuing to be the happy and humerous person I know I can be (and have been, of late). I am trying to show my quirky personality. And I am open in sharing my experiences with infertility to anyone who asks. And maybe that’s why some people shy away, not knowing what to do or how to relate to my childless situation. But I’m cautiously optimistic that they will only see the infertile side of my life as only part of my overall makeup as an individual.

So yes. Wow. I am making that effort to step out of my Infertility Shell. And by doing that, I’ve found myself thinking less and less of it from week to week, month to month. I’m hoping that it continues to head that way. And that I will finally not let my infertility rule my overall life.

But until then … until I befriend Oprah or Jerry Springer, or any other major celeb in the area that might grant me access to the upper eschelon of society (yeah, right!) … I have a feeling I will continue to spend a lot of my social time on FB.

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Time To Hug A Filipino

filipino-flag-closeup-thumb4253688For those of you that didn’t know … today was a FaceBook “Hug A Filipino” Day. Except since I’m too new to this area, I’ve not gotten any hugs today. Which has been made worse since I haven’t even been able to give my favorite Pinoy … Hubby, of course … a great big bear hug. (Alright everyone … I wanna here a collective “Awwwwrrr ….” 😛 )

But before you go about sending hugs my way, I want to ask you to click over to this blog and give this wonderfully awesome incredible and brilliant woman a hug. She. Deserves. It. Definitely more than I do today. And it breaks my heart that she has to go through this. So pop on over and show her some bloggie love. And maybe if we give her enough love, she’ll continue to write … and stay in our little corner of the blogiverse (hint hint …)

Okay, back to my regularly scheduled nonsense.

I’ve been on this Facebook kick lately (as evidenced by my last post). And while I’ve been on there for the past couple years, it only seems like over the past few months I’ve been finding more and more “old” friends from grade school all the way up to my first post-college job. It’s been fun catching up with them and seeing what they’ve been up to since the last time we talked to each other.

I’ve totally enjoyed perusing through all their pictures; many of them old photos of when they were young. There were even some pictures of me at that age. And trust me … seeing those early to mid 80’s photos just had me rolling on the floor!

Of course, many of them are now married. No … not all of them have children, but I’d say the majority of them do. Not only do many of them have one child but two … or more. And seeing those pictures of their family? It amazes me how some of their kids look *so much* like them; some of them mirror images of how I remembered them in our youth.

I didn’t bring this up to grumble about my childless situation. Or how Hubby and I haven’t been able to produce a biological child of our own. That is simply our reality. Unfortunately. No … the difficult part of reconnecting with these friends and seeing these pictures is seeing how much their lives have changed. And seeing how much having children have enriched their lives. Or how much their daily occurrences revolve around their family. How even reading their “status updates” tend to reflect what’s going on in their household; whether their child is sick or what fun (or even not-so-fun) activities they’ve done that day.

My wish is that my life could have some of that flurry of activity … some of that day-to-day action. And although I am an admitted procrastinator, I tend to work much better under pressure … and thrive on it. While I know that having a child will definitely add extra “stress” to anyone’s life, what I long for is that consistent inconsistency of every day life. Those twists and turns that make the days just a little different than one another. That don’t make the days go by as if it’s once again “Time to make the doughnuts,” a-la-Dunkin’ Donuts.

That last statement does not mean that my daily life with Hubby is routine. If anything these past few months with the new job, subsequent move and current living-in-different-cities has definitely been far from “the norm.” And our immediate future, once we’re together under the same roof, will definitely be a series of new adventures.

But once things settle down … then what? Will my new job suddenly become just “a job” again? What new things can we experience once we’ve explored our new city? Will Hubby & I once again fall back into the “Fred the Baker” routine?

philippines badgeI guess that’s what I’m terrified of. That I’ll revert back to a daily “nothing ever changes” routine. That I’ll once again feel “stuck” with where I’m at in life. That Hubby and I will be standing along the sidelines observing everyone else … all those old friends and family members … move forward to new milestones, new achievements in their lives. When, quite frankly, we’d rather be active participants ourselves.

But enough of this bellyaching for now. Instead, I’m going to head back out into my FaceBook world and virtually hug every Filipino I know. Because who knows when the next “Hug A Filipino Day” will come around!

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25 Random Things

Okay, so I’m being completely lazy here. But since I posted this on my Facebook page, I might as well do this here too.

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I’m not too big on these things, but I would like to know more about my friends so if you have time, fill this out and at least tag me so I can learn more about you. 🙂

25 Random Things to Share

Rules:
Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people (yeah, right!!) to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

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Alrighty then … here goes:

  1. I’m a big procrastinator. As I recently commented on a friend’s Facebook status, I put the “crass” in procrastinate.
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  2. I could sleep ten hours a day if given the opportunity. It’s not for wanting to, or for being lazy … I just constantly feel like I never get that “good night’s sleep.”
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  3. I never thought I’d marry a person from the same culture that I grew up in. But yet I did … and I hold that over my Mom whenever she brings up what a “horrible kid I was.” My response always is … “well, at least I married a Filipino!”
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  4. Speaking of Hubby … he was my first date ever. We went to the Homecoming Dance at each other’s high school when I was sixteen. But we didn’t start dating until after I graduated from high school.
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  5. Hubby is my absolute best friend in the entire world. People may think it’s strange that I want to spend every moment of my life with him, but it’s the honest to God’s truth.
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  6. I always thought I wouldn’t marry until I was in my late 20’s and have my first child before I was 30. Instead, I got married at 24 and, to this date, still don’t have any children. But trust me … it’s not for lack of trying.
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  7. I used to think that if you set your mind to a specific goal and worked hard at it, you’d always achieve that goal. But now I’m smart enough to know that’s not always true. Going through infertility treatments has taught me that.
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  8. And because of #7, infertility has knocked down my self-confidence and self-esteem. While they’re not completely gone from my life, they’re certainly not as prominent as they were in college or those first two post-college years. Okay, enough sad things …
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  9. In high school, I was voted “Class New Waver.” Yes, I grew up in the 80’s. And listened to a lot of Depeche Mode. And New Order. And Smiths. And the list can go on and on. But I still think New Wave and Goth music can put some of these Emo bands to shame …
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  10. Being who I was “labeled” in high school … it’s actually quite funny that I’ve always had this secret wish to be either a cheerleader or on the dance team. (Yes, I can hear y’all groaning now.) But I think it’s more because I wanted to break out of the Asian “nose-always-in-books” mold and be more “American.”
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  11. Speaking of my “Asian”-ness … I’ve pretty much gotten mistaken for every Asian nationality out there … including Indian, Pakistani, and Sri Lankan. I’ve also gotten mistaken for American Indian and Guatemalen. Oh, and once someone mistook me for an Eskimo.
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  12. I’ve always wanted to be a writer or a journalist. Except the Filipino side of me keeps telling me that I could never make a living out of it. (Grrr … I wish my parents’ voice would stop infiltrating my brain!)
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  13. Which is why I like to keep a blog: http://apronstringsemily.com/
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  14. And why I like to keep advertising it. (Tee hee … there’s two things “wasted!)
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  15. In my immediate family, I’m the one that’s the sports nut. You’d think it would be my older brother … but I’m the one who watches the most hockey and basketball and football.
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  16. I’d blame my husband for my love of sports, but it truly started in grade school after catching my first Red Wings game at a school outing.
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  17. I met my oldest friend (although we hardly keep in contact anymore) in kindergarten. I still have a picture of us dressed up with paper bunny ears and a painted bunny nose for Easter.
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  18. My closest friends are those that I don’t even see that often … Thank God for Facebook and the internet.
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  19. And speaking of Facebook … I’ve managed to keep in touch with lots of my cousins this way. And I’ve managed to get in contact with quite a few high school and even grade school friends!
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  20. So … my hope is to continue to keep these friendships going. After all … it seems like the older I get, the harder it is to make new friends.
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    (Seriously? I’ve gotta come up with five more?! Okay … I’ll scrounge.)
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  21. I was a Brownie and a Girl Scout up until 6th grade. And I can’t believe that GS cookes now cost four bucks a box. Sheesh … they sold for under a dollar when I sold them.
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  22. When I was little, I wished that I could have a more “common” name like “Jenny” or “Elizabeth” because all my friends were named that. Now I wish my name wasn’t the most popular name out there.
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  23. I’m predominantly right-handed … but there are certain things I do with my left hand. Like brush my teeth. And knit.
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  24. Yes, that’s right. I knit. I’ve only done bags, scarves and hats and baby stuff. Maybe even a sweater or two. But it’s something that I find rather comforting.
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    (And finally … )
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  25. I suck at multi-tasking. Which is probably why I’m really good at procrastinating.

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Whew … that’s the list. If you’ve stuck around to read all of this, I applaud you.

And no … I’m not tagging anyone. I just thought this would be a fun thing to share with everyone …

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Hubby & Emily Plus … ??

I don’t know what it is, but just like Wordgirl, I am drawn to yet repelled by Jo.n & Ka.te Pl.us 8. Actually, I’m more drawn to it rather than repelled.

I’m sure part of it is the whole Asian bit; as Jo.n is half-Korean. And I’m sure it’s the whole twin fascination thing I’ve always had. Except it’s not really the twin “look-alike” thingy … it’s more the science aspect of it. The whole nature vs. nurture thing. It’s just frickin’ amazing to see how all eight children who share such strong genetic traits have such distinct and unique personalities.

And I’m sure the whole “repelling” part of it is simply the fact that Hubby & I can’t experience even one-eigth of what they have. While I’d love to have a household full of kids, I’d be happy with even just one. As in one of the eight Go.sselin children. (I’d love to take Cara or maybe Aa.den or Hannah …)

I can’t quite be angry at Jo.n and Ka.te. After all, they also had issues trying to conceive. Like myself, Kate was diagnosed with PCOS. However, unlike Hubby & me … she and Jon were successful. Obviously.

So yesterday after Hubby left to go back home, I was left to my own devices. And seeing that I finally got cable in the bedroom, I promptly plopped myself in front of the TV and started to flip channels. I finally settled onto TLC and watched a marathon of Jo.n & Ka.te episodes.

Like a moth to a flame … (Or more appropriately, like a fly to a bug zapper … )

As I watched the episodes, there happened to be one particular commercial that would run in between TV breaks. And it got to me … Every. Single. Time.

Perhaps it was because I was missing my husband. Perhaps it was because I was watching a show that involved raising children. Perhaps it’s because it was because this commercial reminded me about something I will never be able to experience.

Or perhaps it’s because as much as I wish I could give my husband that gift … that moment in life … I will never be able to.

And that breaks my heart …