Dawn of Summer

It’s Sunday Morning around 7:30 am. Except with the time difference, it feels like an hour later.

Yesterday, Hubby & I made an impromptu trip to Chicago. Initially we were supposed to go with my parents to visit Dr. Bro & Dr. SIL, but instead we went alone. Last minute, we were booking a hotel room so that we wouldn’t have to bother the busy docs so much.

Imagine our suprise when we got into our hotel room and saw a view of Lake Michigan. It. Was. Spectacular. And to top it off, we scored a corner room which just happened to be the best view of Buckingham Fountain in Grant Park. I’ve been to Chi-town many times in my life, but have never had the opportunity to have such an incredible view of Lake Michigan.

You see, at the last minute the cheapest room we could find within the downtown area was at the Congress Plaza Hotel. And even then, it was a little on the pricier side than what we would have like to spend. But, oh was the view definitely worth it. Especially at around 4:30-ish when I specifically set the alarm to watch the sun rise.

It was a thrilling moment this morning, looking over Lake Michigan’s horizon and anticipating the sunrise. Watching the sky turn different shades of a pastel-like rainbow as I waited patiently for the sun to make his (her?) appearance seemed to be very symbolic of my life at this exact moment. At least I hope it is.

Last Monday, I had a follow-up appointment with my GYN to go over the current treatment I’ve been receiving for endometriosis. Yes, I’m talking about that God-awful drug called Lupron. After reviewing the ultrasound results from my last date with the US tech, my GYN gave me the option of continuing on Lupron for one more month (to make it a total of 6 months) or stop it after receiving the Month Five dose on that visit. Guess which one I chose?! Uh-huhn … one last shot in the rear, and I was skipping out of that office knowing that I no longer had to endure the side effects after this month.

And after this month, I’m looking at the end of yet another dark period in my life. Hopefully this means no more awful headaches. Or no more of those d*mn hot flashes. But most of all? Hopefully no more of that rainbow of emotions from extreme happiness to anger in a flash of a second. And hopefully no more tears brought on suddenly by a tidal wave of sadness or of feeling completely overwhelmed by something as simple as getting up for the day.

I’m literally hoping it’s the dawn of a new day in this period in my life. And seeing as yesterday was the Summer Soltice, otherwise known as the first full day of summer, I’m hopeful that I will find the inner strength in me … the power of the sun, if you will … to climb out of the horizon of darkness of and into the light of a new day.

How appropriate, because two weeks from today, I will be celebrating yet another year of life that I’ve gotten through. And this birthday, I want to celebrate the fact that I was born and not focus on the fact that I will still be childless at the age of 36.


And now pics from our impromptu Chi-town Trip

Loopy Ron

Heh. The title of this post makes me think of Ron Weasley, Harry Potter’s best friend in the popular series. Woops … there I go again, getting off subject!

Recently someone asked me if Lupron is seriously as bad-a$$ as I keep making it out to be. And whether the side effects have gotten better with time. I’m sure I’ve pretty much painted a nasty picture of how it’s like to be on it, especially with all the blob (oops, meant to type blog ) posts I’ve written on it … but I figured I would share this with the rest of us IF-ers or Endo-babes out there.

I wish I could tell you that being on Lupron gets better with time. If I had to be completely honest, I would say absolutely not.

I still get those d*mn hot flashes. I pretty much expect to get them about 3 times every hour, lasting about 5-10 minutes at a time. I swear, it feels like I have enough heat in me to generate power for a third world country! They’re no longer that bad at night for me … but that was probably solved by stripping down to a tank top and undies for pajamas and by having that clip-on fan blowing directly on me. But despite that, it still hasn’t stopped me from getting up at least once or twice in the middle of the night … grrr. So you could probably add sleep deprivation to the list of side effects!

As for the headaches … they’re still there. But I do find that the more I keep myself hydrated, the less frequent I get the headaches. So, I’m trying ot make it a point to keep myself hydrated. Of course, the more I drink the more I sweat it off with those hot flashes. For me personally, I’d rather deal with the hotflashes than deal with with those horrible headaches …

But the thing that affects me the most is the range of emotions I’ve experienced since being on it. I’m either really static (no emotion at all) or extremely happy and passionate about something or sad and totally withdrawn from everything. No in between. And because I’ve been really stressed lately because of work … I think I’ve been bouncing literally back and forth between being passionately happy and completely deflated. And, let me tell you … that gets pretty frickin’ exhausting.

However, the one thing that has been good about it (yes, there is actually a plus side to it), is that I haven’t had any severe pelvic or abdominal cramping / pain . And I haven’t had any extremely nasty visits from Aunt Flo. But that of course, is because Lupron is supposed leave Aunt Flo waiting at the train station. Which, for someone who’s got some pretty nasty endometriosis, is an absolutely wonderful thing.

So while I’m aggrevated to be on this loopy medication … I know “the end” results (reducing the symptoms of endometriosis) more than justifies “the means” … it’s just “the means” is one h*ll of a b*tchy ride

Swimming the Breaststroke *updated*

For those of you that don’t know, TMI is an acronym for “Too Much Information.” So … I’m warning you now, if you don’t wanna read about women stuff, it’s best that you click off this page now .

two_flowersHere … check out this post if you’d rather not read on.

Hum dee dum dum … Dum dee doo dah …

Okay. Fair warning. Here goes.

I have gained weight. And it’s all because of that damn Lupron. And how, may you ask that I know this without having stepped on a scale (because I refuse to do so)? Well, besides the obvious tighter fitting clothes and the ring on my finger feeling a little tighter … Well, my b**bies have gotten a little larger.

And I know I’ve gained a sufficient amount of weight when these tatas have “bloomed.” Because they’re the absolute last place that fills out when I gain weight. (And sadly, they’re always the first thing to go, when I lose the weight … dang-nabbit!) And even though I may be a little more heavier-set than the typical Asian American woman, I was never graced with a “hearty set.” So, when Naughty Hubby snapped a picture of them during a recent dress-uppity event … the rather revealing cleavage that stared back at me confirmed that I had, indeed, gained a significant amount of weight.

To make things worse, Hubby & I are heading out of town next Thursday for a mini-vaca … a chance to get away for a spell. We’re heading down to Orlando to spend time with Hubby’s cousins just to have some fun. Yes, we’ll be heading to Dis.neywor.ld and Univ.ersal Studios. No, I’m not so much bothered about it being the center of the universe for all things kid-related. (Actually, I’m quite looking forward to being a big kid for the weekend!)

Anyway, one of those days we’re planning on heading to the beach for the day. Which, of course requires a bathing suit. And well, last time I wore my two-piece was on our cruise in November. Pre-Lupron. Pre-weight gain. So yeah … won’t be looking so hot in my two-piece these days. And I wouldn’t look so hot in a one-piece either, based on the little non-pregnant belly I’ve got going on.

But thank G*d for the invention called the tankini. A two-piece that, if the appropriate tank top piece is found can hide that non-pregnant pudge I’ve got going on … and can still show off a little of the recently gained “assets.” (Might as well flaunt them while I’ve got them, right?) Pair it with a matching swim skirt, and it might just hide the “a$$”-et you don’t want to flaunt.

So off to Hudson’s Marshall Fields Macy*s to look for a tasteful and age-appropriate tankini. I head directly to the sportswear department, where I assumed that they might put out all the seasonal summer wear. No luck. Then I walk over to the active wear area, thinking that perhaps they put it with all the brand name exercise crap. Yep, still no luck. Finally, I stop an employee who directed me up to the second floor. “It’s right by the restaurant. Next to the maternity wear.”

Excuse me? Did I hear that right? Next to maternity wear? Who the H*LL had the brilliant idea to put bathing suits next to maternity clothes?! But sure enough, there they were. One and two-piece bathing suits looking quite smug next to those fashionable maternity clothes.

I’m honestly not sure what horrified me more. Knowing that I was going to have to try on bathing suits to help … ahem … appropriately distribute the extra weight I’ve gained. Or having to walk past all those very stylish maternity clothes that I know I will never have the chance to wear.

For an infertile … nonetheless one that has probably gained weight from all them extra hormones pumping through our systems … that is just cruel and unusual punishment!

Alas, I managed to find a decent tankini/swim skirt set that “accentuated the positive” (heartier hooters) and “eliminated the negative” (okay, so there was no way to completely eliminate the larger booty). And just as soon as the sales woman wrapped up my purchase, you know d*mn well I booked out of there as fast as I could.

Ugh … I suppose that I should know by now that bigger bosoms means that I should get off my lazy (not to mention large) a$$ and start working out again.

Once again … D*mn Lupron!!


Oops. I forgot to add the disclaimer. Nope … that ain’t my body in that picture. (If I were only that thin …) And I also forgot to mention that yes … I realize how horrifying it must be for those that are pregnant to have to look at skinny two-piece suits.

But I do stand by what I said … “Who the H*LL had the brilliant idea to put bathing suits next to maternity clothes?!” and “That is just cruel and unusual punishment!”

Okay … back to your usual blog-surfing … 🙂

Na Com Leav … wha?!

Okay, for those of you that aren’t aware … Sunday the 25th was the start of “National Comment Leaving Month” or NaComLeavMo … and yes, that’s what that little graphic with the party hat to the right of this post is for.

For those of you who haven’t read Mel’s post, NaComLeavMo is the month where we are encouraged to step out of our “lurker” mode and actually comment on other people’s blogs. And in return, leave a comment on the blog of someone that commented on yours. The idea is to open up discussion amongst all of us in IF / MC blogland and beyond.

Today being day three of this month, I’m finding it hard to just “stumble” onto a fellow blogger on Mel’s list without having to do a lot of back-reading before I feel I can … a-hem … “intelligently” respond. (Oh, who am I kidding … right?!) And then I stumbled on Rachel‘s latest blog post, who thought it might be a great idea to do a quick recap of ourselves and our story so that other’s might not have to be “clicking around” so much.

So Rachel … I’m taking your lead and doing the same thing. (By the way, my favorite ice cream flavor is Jamocha Almond Fudge from BR … or Coffee Coffee Buzz Buzz from B & J!!)

Told you I was an Island Girl at Heart

Hmm … where to begin …

Three things are a big part of who I am in life. I’m Asian, I’m Catholic (although of questionable degree), and I’m Infertile. Yep … that’s right Infertile with a capital “I”. But let’s start off with the Asian bit first.

I’m a second-generation Filipino American; meaning my parents were born in the Philippines while my brother (aka “Dr. Bro”) and I were born here. While I know many other people can relate to having parents that were born in another country … being of Asian descent, it’s a little harder to “blend” in, if you catch my drift. I’m always going to look different than most people in a room. Or I’m always going to be lumped in or mistaken for another “nationality” (whether it be any pick of Asian countries or Native American or even Guatemalan … Not. Kidding. You.) But the biggest part of being Filipino American is that you are literally torn between a very traditional culture where authority is never questioned and the American culture where everything and anything can be challenged and questioned … and it’s encouraged. How does a strong-willed, stubborn female learn to live with these clashes in culture and belief? Well … peruse through my older entries and you might find a few.

As for the Catholic part of me … I don’t want you to think that I’m super-spiritual or anything. Because, in reality … I’m not. But, having been through 12 years of Catholic School … how can religion not play a part in my every day life? Even though it’s mostly about feeling guilty. You know … the “I’m not a Mom yet because I must have not prayed enough” or “I must have done something horribly wrong for God to punish me by not gracing me with child.” That kind of guilt. And no … I’m not (as) angry at God for where I am in life. Truth be told … I know that I’ve been “given” certain gifts from up above (my Hubby being the biggest gift of all); I just honestly have to have faith … not only in God, but in myself as to know when I am strong enough to do the right things in my life. And that’s the part of my Catholicism and spirituality that I can most relate to. Trust me … it’s taken me being 18 years of being out of high school to figure that one out.

I’m Infertile. Oh yeah … this is the main reason I started this blog. There had to be a way for this Catholic Filipino-American to let out all the repressed emotions I’ve let build up over the past ten years. Yep. That’s right. Ten. Long. Years. In brief, I married my high school/college sweetheart two years after graduating from college. We started TTC just over a year after that with (obviously) no success. After another year of “giving it more time,” I finally approached my OB-Gyn who put me on almost a year of Clomid. Yeah … the nurse in me should have questioned that … but the Filipino in me respected authority (see what I mean?). After that didn’t work, it was on to a laparotomy to clear out some nasty endometriosis followed by six months of evil pharmaceutical devil incarnate Lupron therapy. Then followed about 7 months of medicated cycles and the first episode of deep depression along with a 4 month “break” from treatment. And then the big guns … IVF. A one-time cycle that failed and brought about another episode of deep depression, followed closely by repression. Until one fateful day in November 2006 when my SIL (who just remarried 5 months prior and already has a middle-school age child from her first marriage) announced she was pregnant. As if that didn’t devastate me enough, Liam was born prematurely and with some “imperfections” which just made me feel like my feelings of jealousy and anger caused ill-will to this innocent child. And so … in the midst of my SIL’s pregnancy with Liam and his unfortunate passing 4 months later, I started this blog. And it has helped me deal with these emotions in ways that I didn’t think possible. And the fact that I’ve found such wonderful support out here in blogland … it just means the world to me. I just wish I would have found it sooner!

So those are the biggest things I can share with you in this one lengthy post. Hope you decide to stick around and read on. And then you can follow along with what happens in the next stage of my Mommyhood dream. I’m hoping to gather that source of faith and strength to fumble through the adoption process … as one failed IVF was enough for me emotionally and financially. Oh and you can see what other evil and emotionally ridden things I do as I finish up another six months of Lupron therapy for that bitch of a friend I call endometriosis. Oh … and did I mention my SIL is pregnant again … and due in early September?

Goodness … if you’ve stuck around reading this entry to the end … you might as well just add me to your Google Reader! 🙂

(Oh and hey … while you’re at it, check out my other blog!)