Child-Free Infertility – Page 7 – Apron Strings for Emily

17 March 201113 June 2011

Blog O’Versary

Four years. That’s how long I’ve been blogging.

It doesn’t seem like it’s been that many years. In that span of time, I’ve come to terms with my inability to have children. And Hubby & I have come to the decision to live child-free after infertility.

Wow, writing that last paragraph appears as if I’ve reduced the past four years into two simple sentences. Except I have 423 posts that say otherwise.

So either I’m too wordy … or I have a lot of issues.

I’m betting on the latter.

Anyway, I figured the best way for me to celebrate my 4th Blog O’Versary (my little ode to St. Patty’s Day) is to do that (in)famous “Meme of Four.”

Of course there are variations of this particular meme, so since it’s my blogoversary … I decided to pick the ones I wanted to answer. So without further ado …

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Four Jobs I’ve Had

Whopper-Maker for “The King” (and I’m not talking about Elvis, either)
Broke Music Store Employee, who spent most of her paycheck on things called “tapes” and “records.”
Rockin’ Teacher’s Assistant at my University
Registered Nurse working for the “dreaded” HMO (actually, it was a rewarding job … )

Four places I’ve lived
(Yeah, this one was easy)

Metro Detroit
Metro Detroit
Chicago
Metro Detroit

Four shows I like to watch
(I have many, but these are my current faves)

Glee
The Good Wife
Criminal Minds
Fringe

Four movies I can watch over and over

10 Things I Hate About You
Love, Actually
Notting Hill
Goonies

Four things I get cross about

Texting while driving
Selfish, self-centered people
Uninformed and ignorant statements
The lack of problem-solving skills in the world today

Four words/phrases I use a lot

Seriously?
Y’all (I blame it on all the time I’ve spent in the South for work lately)
Naughty!
Sorry …

Four websites I visit daily

Facebook (admittedly addicted)
New York Times
Amazon (I like to “window” shop)
Multiple Blogs

Four things I am looking forward to

Our 15th Wedding Anniversary (in August)
Traveling the world with Hubby (someday)
Retirement (maybe someday)
Growing old with Hubby (definitely … )

Four things I’ve learned from the past

There are things in this world that are waaay beyond our control …
no matter what science or medicine can provide
It really does take a huge leap of faith in order to move forward from loss
As Mick says, “You can’t always get what you want”
FAMILY:
- can include every single aunt, uncle, and cousin you’ve become close to
- It can also include those people that have touched your life in some way or another
- AND most importantly, it can also mean just Hubby and me

Four things I want to do before I die

Spend a month traveling Europe
Write a novel and publish it
Move to the Pacific Northwest
Spend an entire week somewhere on any tropical beach, reading and soaking up the sun

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Thank you to all who’ve still kept me on your blog reader. Even though I haven’t been the best of bloggers lately. Your words and your support (both here on my blog and on Facebook) mean the world to me … and have certainly been my light during those times of darkness. You guys rock!

06 March 201113 June 2011

Pitch Black

I’ve been MIA for close to six weeks now.

And if it weren’t for the fact that my domain name was up for renewal, I probably would have stayed MIA for even longer. So thank you to Hubby (and to a few other folk out there who inquired about how I was doing) for pushing me to update this piece of cyberspace.

See, the thing is … I’m not quite sure to write about these days. Lately, nothing seems to inspire any urge to write. I’m sure I do have things to say, but it seems so trivial compared to what else is going on in the world. Or what else is going on in my life.

Between traveling for my job and spending a lot of our time in Detroit, I’ve hardly had enough time to catch up on all the TV shows we’ve had DVR’d since before Thanksgiving. So yeah … being in Chicago these past few days, I’ve spent my downtime watching my shows.

Now … is it me? Or does it always seem that when you’re going through something personal that the news or even certain TV shows seem to center around those personal issues? For instance, I’m sure a few of my IF friends can relate to the storyline surrounding Audrey & Jeff in “Rules of Engagement.” For me, it happens to be Marshall’s latest storyline in “How I Met Your Mother.”

As it happens, one of the first few episodes I “caught up” with following my Dad’s funeral was the episode where Marshall and Lily, who have been trying for the past few seasons to get pregnant, finally go to see an Infertility Specialist. Watching their trials to start their family have, at one time or another, touched that part of me that still mourns the fact that I’ve never been able to get pregnant.

But this episode … well, the ending definitely surprised me. That was when we find out that Marshall’s Dad had suddenly died from a heart attack.

Talk about art imitating life. Nothing could hit closer to home at that moment than the look that Marshall had on his face when he was told of the news. And as if I hadn’t cried enough over the past few weeks by that time, I found myself with big crocodile tears as the credits rolled by.

And since then, the episodes of “How I Met Your Mother” have somehow managed to make me cry in some way or another. Like the one where the gang tries to cheer Marshall up during his Dad’s funeral. Or the one where Marshall was too preoccupied with trying to be the environmental lawyer that he had always told his Dad he’d be.

Then there’s the “Desperation Day” episode. Lily decides to fly out to Minnesota to be with Marshall on Valentine’s Day. Marshall had been back at his childhood home since the funeral to “help” his mother adjust to life without his father. What Lily finds when she arrives is that Marshall’s way of “helping” included him experiencing a bit of “Revertigo.” In other words, he reverted back to the high school version of Marshall; he began to ask his Mom to do everything for him: make his lunch, do his laundry, etc.

During a conversation Marshall had with Ted (in the midst of playing old video games in his childhood bedroom), Marshall randomly turned to Ted and said, “I miss my father.” And Ted answered, “I know.”

Then Marshall relayed the story of a memory he had of taking long road trips with the entire family. And how many times he’d find himself the only one awake to keep his Dad company while he drove through the darkness of night. Marshall told him how he could never see anything in front of the headlights during those pitch black nights, but he always felt safe because his Dad was driving. And he was a superhero that could see way out into the darkness. But now that his Dad was gone, things are just pitch black … and he could no longer see anything in front of him. And he couldn’t see where he was going.

And that’s really what it is; I miss my father. I miss the simplicity that life was when I was back in high school … even if I didn’t think life was anything but simple at the ripe old age of 15. I wish I could go back to when I could sit in front of the TV and watch old reruns with my Dad asleep on the couch. I wish I could have him make his famous “Daddy’s Chicken Noodle Soup” on the days I was feeling sick.

I especially miss the car trips we’d make to London, Ontario (or even to the East Coast) to visit family … where I found myself the one who’d stay up with my Dad to keep him company. To sing songs on the radio just to keep him awake.

And now, I feel lost. Like Marshall, I can no longer see what’s in front of me; no longer feel the urge to do the things I normally like to do. Like knit or crochet. Or write.

But I know that this is normal; that I’ll eventually be able to put one foot in front of the other and move on. And I guess that’s why I’m making the effort to do those activities I’ve enjoyed in the past. The same ones that helped me work through the loss I’ve felt about Infertility.

For now though, I’m going to continue with my grief for just a little longer. Well … truly, I’ll grieve for as long as it takes me to grieve. But the point is, I know what I need to get back to in order to return to some sense of normalcy.

And I know that’s what my Dad would have wanted.

11 November 201013 June 2011

Little Em, Big Em

Dearest Little Em,

Welcome to the world, Emilia Grace!

You certainly took us all by surprise by coming a few days earlier. And you certainly gave Daddy (and not to mention, your Auntie Em) a scare by causing Mommy’s blood pressure to unexpectedly rise … but we’re very happy that both you and Mommy are perfectly healthy.

I may be impartial, but I think you’re the most beautiful baby girl I’ve ever seen. Of course, it doesn’t help that you share the same nose as your Dad and Auntie … not to mention every single one of our first cousins! I cannot wait to meet you in person and hold you in my arms.

I’m not gonna lie, Little Em. The news of your impending arrival back in May threw me for a bit of a loop. After all, your Uncle Apron Strings and I had been trying for over a decade to have a Little One just like you. And although we had resolved our Infertility Journey by deciding to live child-free, I couldn’t help but feel a little off-sorts. This news, as exciting and wonderful as it was, elicited some painful feelings of failure.

And when I mean failure … I’m talking about myself. And only myself. After all, I wasn’t able to make your Mommy & Daddy an Auntie or Uncle. I wasn’t able to give your Gramma & Grampa a grandchild as beautiful as you. And I certainly wasn’t able to make your Uncle Apron Strings a Daddy, just like your Mommy was able to do for your Daddy.

Most of all, I wasn’t able to give you a cousin to play with; to grow up with and share memories with. You see … that’s what *I* had growing up. And today, some of my favorite memories involve those cousins from your Daddy’s side.

So you see, Darling … back in May, I thought that I’ve not only failed every person in my immediate family … but that I’d ultimately fail you as well.

But this past Saturday morning, as I looked over at my phone for news of your arrival … I saw the most beautiful thing in the world. I saw YOU.

And then I just knew that I couldn’t fail you. That I wouldn’t fail you. That I would do everything to make sure that a child that shared the same namesake as myself would be loved and cherished beyond a doubt.

I promise, Little Em … that I will give to you what I would have given my own child. (And I’m not just talking about our noses, either!) I will pass on to you my (as well as your Mom’s) love of reading. I will impart wisdom to you on how to get Gramma & Grampa to give you money. And I will definitely be sharing with you the various ways to push your Dad’s buttons. And hopefully I can help influence your taste in music as well.

But just remember this, Little Em … I will love you irrevocably and unconditionally forever and ever.

— Your Auntie “Big Em”

November 5, 2010
7 lbs 6 oz, 19 inches

19 October 201021 October 2010

Effin’ Facebook

Dear Facebook Moms,

I apologize in advance for the snarkiness of this note. I’ll be honest with you and tell you that I’m currently going through one of overall emotional downslides right now.

Because really — truly — if you are my FB friend, I honestly like you.

What I mean is that I don’t randomly “friend” a person unless I have a legitimate connection to any of you. And I follow your status updates and photos and notes that you all post because I’m genuinely interested in your lives.

But today I have a beef. And I must emphasize that it’s the Infertile childless woman in me that is really upset.

You see, I love that I get to live vicariously through my FB Moms … love that I get to see pictures of the youngin’s in their various milestones in life. I absolutely love that I get to read about random stories that truly make me chuckle.

And when I start to see FB status that ask me to honor all those Mothers out there for the hard work they do every day, I don’t complain. Because I know from watching my own Mom how difficult it is. And I know from reading and hearing about your lives how much you all deserve recognition.

But people … Must I remind everyone that there’s a National Holiday out there that celebrates this? One that happens every single May? One that, year after year, reminds me that I’ll never be on the receiving end of such love and adoration?

Please don’t get me wrong … I’m not asking anyone not to be proud of who you are or what you have in life.

If anything, I’m just asking that you remember — in your quest to be recognized and acknowledged for all the little (and not so little) every day things you deal with … that there are women, like me (who have desperately wanted to become Moms), that will never be able to partake in this recognition.

And that, as a woman … there are few other things (outside of a stellar career or ground-breaking discoveries) that an every-day woman can be recognized for. That … despite the need to find an identity for yourself outside of being a Mom … that you do indeed have some sort of socially recognizable identity.

So please … On your quest to show pride for the wonderful Mother you’ve become … also remember those women who won’t be able share in your own experiences. And that there is an entire world out there of women (one in eight, to be precise) that are struggling to have even a sliver what you have … Women that struggle to find any kind of every-day identity.

Because I can’t speak for other Infertiles out there … but being a Mom had been an identity that I’ve always wanted to say I owned. One that, even after so many years of giving up my dream of Motherhood, I still mourn the loss of every day.

Thanks for … at the very least … reading.

And now I’ll head back to my regularly-scheduled, self-imposed seclusion. Better that I stay quiet and contained for now, lest I offend even more people … including myself.

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Related Post:

Emily looks for a Label-Maker

Emily loves Facebook. No she doesn’t. Yes she does.

27 September 201027 September 2010

Revertigo

There’s this episode of “How I Met Your Mother” that Hubby & I recently watched. It’s the episode in which Robin meets up with her Canadian High School boyfriend; a boy who broke her teenage heart in his van after playing a gig with his band, The Foreskins**. She confesses to her friends that the minute she set eyes on him, she suddenly felt like she was sixteen again; complete with the excitement and butterflies that a “first love” could only elicit. But not only that, Robin found herself acting exactly like she did at that age.

Marshall, in his wise ways, had developed a term for this type of behavior. He called it “Revertigo” … a phenomenon in which a person reverts back to his or her former self when around certain individuals from their past. In this episode, he uses Lily as an example; having her invite her old high school friend, Michelle, who brings out the “gangsta” in her whenever they’re together. But once separated from one another, they revert back to their normal selves.

Hubby and I could not stop laughing during the entire episode.*** It was something that we both know happens to me when I get together with my Canadian cousins. When we get together I somehow slip back into this version of myself that I can only call “The American Cousin” — all brash and outspoken with a hint of arrogance (not intentional, of course). But not only that … for some strange insane reason, I also find myself speaking in a Canadian accent; complete with long O’s (as in “sooorry”) and unconsciously adding “eh?” to the end of all my sentences.

Seriously. We could be in the heart of the continental U.S. and I could suddenly be mistaken for a Canadian!

The thing is, when experiencing “Revertigo,” every fiber of you begins to revert back to that place and time. All the good and the bad. All the excitement of being at the age that you were and all the insecurities you may have experienced at that time.

HSGleek — Proof that I was a GleeK in high school

This Saturday is my 20th High School Reunion. And while I debated for a verrrry long time about whether I’d attend, I finally decided that I would skip out on the festivities. I can say that I did it for a number of reasons. The easiest being that I didn’t feel like shelling out the money to see people I really didn’t know that well twenty years ago. Or that I only wanted to see certain people from my graduating class; ones that I’m not even sure will be in attendance.

I’ll admit that both of those reasons are indeed true; and — in my eyes — valid, as well. But the primary reason is this: I’m just not at the best place that I want to be in my life at this exact moment. I don’t (nor will I likely ever have) the children that I know most of my classmates already have. I don’t have that beautifully maintained home with a well-manicured lawn that my suburban counterparts will also likely have. And I certainly don’t have the job / degree / success in my life that I thought I’d have by this time in my life.

HSHotties — But I was also a HS Hottie (along with future-SIL), too!

And seeing that this past spring and summer were beyond stressful**** I’m feeling just a leeetle insecure with myself.

If the phenomenon known as “Revertigo” is true; then all those insecurities and lack of self-confidence I currently have at this point in my life will be twenty-times magnified … like everything tends to be during those “puberty years.”

Oh, I’m not naive enough to know that my classmates likely feel the same way about themselves in some capacity or another. If anything, I certainly believe that most of us, in our late-thirties, feel like we haven’t accomplished everything that we thought we would have over the last twenty years.

No, really. I simply don’t want to attend for this simple reason: I’m trying to avoid feeling and acting as if I’m in high school again. And seeing that I’ve had a few major curveballs thrown at me over the past six months, I don’t know if I’d have the strength to combat this bout of “Revertigo.”

One more thing and I’ll go back to being a 38 year old Gen-X slacker … my lack of desire to attend my high school reunion, by no means indicates that I don’t want to see those people I considered close friends during my teenage years.

The way that I look at it is this: If I hadn’t already found you via Facebook (or any other means of communication) … this simply means that you don’t want to be found. And I can respect that need for privacy. And if we were meant to find our way back to one another, then we’ll find each other when the time is right.

To me, friendship is all about every day life; and there shouldn’t be a need to make a big formal deal about it.

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Related Posts:

Emily gets “Donald Trump’d”

Emily gets a phone call

Emily gets her a$$ “U’Hauled”

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** “There were four of us. And we didn’t wear any shirts.” At least that’s how the band name was explained. LOL!

*** Mainly because Robin’s ex-boyfriend was played by James Van der Beek of “Dawson’s Creek” fame.

**** A quick recap:

I got fired from the job I moved to Chicago for; the one that I hoped would help heal me gain some of that self-confidence that Infertility robbed me of.
I found out that Dr. Bro and Dr. SIL have finally made the decision to (successfully) procreate.
I recently started and am currently training for a new job that will take my career in a different direction.
And in the midst of job-hunting, debated on a move back to Detroit only to decide to stay in Chicago (but move to a smaller apartment); much to the chagrin of family members that wanted us to move back “home.”
Oh … and being unemployed certainly didn’t help our financial situation, either.