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Wasting Grey Matter

So it’s yet another grey rainy day here in Suburban Detroit … fitting for Mother’s Day, if you ask me. Hubby & I have found our way to our favorite coffee house where we can finally read the paper and relax as we want. And yes … I managed to make my way through Mother’s Day lunch with the families without having to make a “trip” to the restroom to cry in private. Although … I do confess, I wanted to whack the hostess who wished me a “Happy Mother’s Day” and tried to shove a rose in my hand, even after I told her that I was not a mother. Grrr …

Anyway, since it’s a grey day, I figured it would be a great day to finally waste a little grey matter on answering a meme that Io sent to me earlier this past week. So here goes …

4 Things I Did Ten Years Ago (1998):

  • Had surgery to correct a herniated disc in my lower back after a patient fell on me. That would signal the end of my “Floor Nurse” career and would eventually end up working for the hospital’s Case Management Department … signaling the beginning of my second career in Nursing Case Management … Or “Skirt Nursing,” as one of the ICU nurses referred to my job … meaning I don’t have to get my hands all dirty and in to every aspect of direct patient care. Well, I certaining DO get my hands dirty … it’s just a different kind of dirt.
  • Watched the Red Wings win the second of two consecutive Stanley Cup Championships and made it a point to call in sick at work just so I could go to the Championship Parade in Downtown Detroit. Tried to make sure that no news cameras were around us either! LOL!

The 1998 Stanley Cup Champions … See Konstantinov in the Wheelchair?
  • Helped my SIL and our nephew (who was 2 and a half at that time) move in to our house after Tyler’s dipsh*t dad decided he wanted to get a divorce. They lived with us for just under a year while my SIL finished up getting her Bachelors. It was good thing to have them there with us, as we totally adored and loved Tyler (and still do!) and wanted to make sure he had some sort of stability while going through such a difficult transition. The only downside to it all was that Bobby & I were just starting to really focus on our marriage and starting our family … which made it just a little hard and frustrating when having other people living with us. In other words, not enough private time for some spontaneous nookie.
  • In May, I had my yearly GYN appointment and finally told my Doc that I was having issues with trying to get pregnant. No blood tests were ordered at that time, which should have been my first clue. Was told to take my temp every morning and chart and if I wasn’t pregnant in 6 months, to make an appointment. In October, I started the first of many Clomid challenges (because obviously I wasn’t pregnant by then). I was optimistic at that time, thinking that I’d only have to do a few months of this and I’d be on my way to starting my happy family. How I wish I could go back and change things …

4 Things I Did Five Years Ago (2003):

  • The first half of the year found me heading back and forth to the first of two RE’s I’ve been to. I’d spend the first two weeks of my cycles constantly at his office having blood sucked out of me. And another week of poking myself in my belly or thigh. And then waiting two weeks only to be utterly devastated and disappointed with the BFN (that would be “big fat negative” as in pregnancy test, for those that aren’t well-versed in IF-speak) which ultimately followed.
  • At the same time, I was working in leadership for the same company that I work for now. I supervised about 10 RN’s and had overall an excellent group of nurses that all worked together seamlessly. I couldn’t have asked for a better team to supervisor. And then … we (as in the other supervisor I worked closely with) made the mistake of hiring a person who just couldn’t get the hang of the job nor could she get the hang of working with a computer. I remember thinking … “For f*ck’s sake! It’s the 21st century! Somewhere down the line you must have at least worked on a typewriter or even a computer in the hospital!!” So … unfortunately, I had to let her go. It wasn’t the most pleasant feeling in the world, knowing that I was the one responsible for making her unemployed. Now … imagine having to try to train this person and ultimately having to let her go while going through stim cycles. Yeah … definitely NOT pleasant.
  • In July, I turned 31. While it’s not a milestone birthday to mark, I clearly remember this one because it’s when I decided to finally take a break from IF treatments. That weekend, we headed up to Toronto to attend, of all things, the baby shower of my husband’s cousin … whom BP (that would be “Before Pregnancy”) I felt very close to. I can clearly remember the drive up, feeling very dejected and when I think of it now, seriously depressed to the point where I couldn’t find the will to live. And I can also remember how difficult it was to hear Hubby’s extended family (whom I otherwise love dearly) sing me “Happy Birthday” when frankly, all I wanted to do was crawl up into a corner and wither away. Yeah. That bad. And the Monday after we got home from Toronto, I sought professional help and Hubby & I decided not to think about what our next step should be until the end of summer.
  • And so that next step was taken in October, when Hubby & I were referred to another RE. This is the one that ultimately diagnosed me with mild PCOS and started me on Metformin. And eventually was the one who did my one and only IVF cycle. I truly liked this RE; and if we had decided to do another IVF cycle, I would have stayed with him. … So overall, I’d have to say that 2003 totally sucked …

4 Things I Did Yesterday:

  • Woke up. D*mn … that was a miracle, considering how hellish my work week was. Let’s put it this way, last Friday I was so upset that if anyone would have asked me how I was, I would have burst in to tears. You know that feeling of wanting and knowing that you’re doing the right thing, but yet you feel like at every turn you’re hitting your head up against a bric.k wa.ll? Yeah … that’s exactly how I felt. But then I thought about the whole “Bric.k Wa.ll” analogy by Ra.ndy Pa.usch and contemplated exactly how I was going to climb over this obstacle. Still contemplating …
  • Took Hubby to dentist appointment and while he was there, ran to two different banks and the pharmacy to pick up a couple of our prescriptions.
  • Headed to the local mall to buy … da da da dum … Mother’s Day gifts for our Moms. And of course, Hubby’s sister (Tyler’s mom); but THAT gift was really from our “furbabies” to their “Auntie J” By the way … Does anybody find it strange that the majority of Sister-to-Sister Mother’s Day cards are more like “Sister with Kids” -to- “Another Sister with Kids” cards?! Yeah … personally I find that annoying. And yet another reason for an infertile to find fault with this holiday.

J’s oldest “niece,” Rain
  • Finished writing the post I started Friday night about the happenstances at the Resolve meeting AND also wrote my Mother’s Day “Woe-is-me” post. Except when I went to try to post both of them … W.ordpress decided to do some server maintenance. Dang-nabbit!

4 Shows I Love To Watch:
Okay, I confess that I do watch a lot of television during the fall and winter season. But if I had to pick my Top 4 from after the Writers’ Strike, they would have to be …

  • “Dancing with the Stars” … Yeah, I know … but hey, at least it’s not all a popularity contest like, let’s say … Am.erican I.dol
  • “Project Runway” … Yep, in this reality show, these contestants actually have to show talent and are actually being judged by professionals in the business. Definitely not a popularity contest here!
  • “Grey’s Anatomy” … Uh huh. I know. Not as good as when it first came on air. But definitely not as bad as it was just before the strike. Ugh … totally hated the whole George and Izzie plot.
  • “Smallville” … The comic book, super hero-loving geek in me is definitely something that I picked up from all the years of being with my Husband. (Okay, so maybe it started earlier, while watching the “Superfriends” cartoon every Saturday morning.) So watching a show that follows the story of Superman before he actually becomes Superman is definitely something I enjoy. Plus, seeing Tom Welling on my TV every week isn’t such a bad thing either …

4 Things I Love To Do:

  • Write. Ever since I started regularly posting to my blog, I’ve found myself mentally composing thoughts in my head. Not all of them make it to my computer screen, but many times they end up fermenting in my brain for a few days or weeks before they come out in some sort of manner. Besides, keeping up on this has kept me from bottling up my emotions like I used to. So. F*cking. Therapeutic.
  • Take random pictures. Last year for “Motherless Day” (that’s the day before Mother’s Day, at least that’s what I’ve named it), Hubby got me a newer, sleeker, easier to work digital cam that I have taken to keeping in my purse at all times. I never know when I will come across something that I might perceive as unique. Or cool. Or beautiful. And now that W.ordpress has a new template design for photoblogging, I’ve started yet another blog.
  • Hanging out at our local coffee house. This gives me a chance to collect my thoughts and get them down on “My Lappie” (nickname for my beautiful MacBook). I get waaay too distracted when I’m at home, so sitting here and taking in the people and atmosphere gets my creative juices flowing.

Hubby at one of our fave spots
  • Read, Sleep, and Eat. In no particular order, I’ve condensed Io’s top three into my last thing that I love to do. (Is that cheating?) Because seriously, without them I am totally not able to do the other three things above.

Alrighty then. I think I’ve wasted enough brain power for the afternoon. Well, actually now it’s early evening … and it’s still raining. Yuck.

Hmm … who to tag, who to tag. I think this time around I’ll ask Sheils and Hope548 to to this next!

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THAT Day

Uh huh. Tomorrow is THAT day. The day that celebrates the love a person has for his or her mother. Where we can show our love and gratitude for the women who gave birth to us and raised us. A chance for kids to nationally recognize all that their mothers have done for them.

And it’s a day that makes any woman suffering through infertility want to run and hide under the covers for the next 24 hours. Because it’s yet another reminder that what we want most in life, we just can’t have.

You would think that after ten years of childless Mother’s Days the pain would lessen after a while. In many aspects, the hurt isn’t as bad as it was … say, the first Mother’s Day after my failed IVF. Or last year, when my SIL’s pregnancy with Liam ripped those IF wounds (which I managed to stifle for years) wide open.

Of course there are those other days where the pain rears its head once again. The grand announcement of a family member’s or friend’s pregnancy. The random baby shower invitation in the mail for one of your mother’s friend’s daughter. The conversations with FWC (Friends with children) that inevitably turn towards what their kids are doing these days.

What I have learned over the past ten years is to anticipate this pain to surface on days like tomorrow, where the whole continent recognizes the woman that brought them into the world. And the woman who raised them and provided them with love and protection. And I expect to feel this kind of pain for days, sometime weeks, after learning the news of any new pregnancy. Because yet again, it’s another pregnancy that I’ll never have.

I sense this pain will never ever go away. However, over the past year I have learned to temper it. I know now when to say “No” to baby showers. Or to simply walk away when pregnancy talk gets to be too much. I know where to hide (a bathroom, the spare guest room, my car) when I need to steal a moment to cry.

So tomorrow, after celebrating the love and appreciation Hubby & I have for our mothers, I will want to climb back into bed and not get out from under the covers until Monday morning. But I won’t. Because I want to be able to say that I got through this tough day with my head held high and my renewed spirit towards adoption intact.

But if for some reason, Hubby notices I’m “missing” for a short period of thim … I may have to tell him to check the restaurant restroom. In the private stall. Where I just might be crying.

I may be stronger than I was last year at this time. But I’m not THAT strong.

**************************************

My infertility resides in my heart as an old friend. I do not hear from it for weeks at a time, and then, a moment, a thought, a baby announcement or some such thing, and I will feel the tug — maybe even be sad or shed a few tears. And I think, “There’s my old friend.” It will always be a part of me ….

— Barbara Eck Menning, founder of Resolve

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Valley of the Bloggers

Warning: Long post ahead
Short version: Went to local Resolve event and met two of our fellow IF bloggers. Ended up with two new IRL friends and a renewed spirit towards adoption.

Wow. I can’t believe how SMALL Blogland can actually be! Earlier tonite, I attended our local Resolve chapter’s annual “Ask the Expert” night for the first time (more on that later). And who should I happen to come upon?! Not one … but TWO of our fellow IF bloggers!!

Now, I have to preface this by saying that I had a slight notion that I might see kcmarie122 tonite as I knew we lived in the same general area of the world. When I got the eblast from Resolve (and also a comment on my blog from MamaSoon), I thought that perhaps she might find this event interesting and posted a link on her blog. That’s how I found myself continually glancing around the room to see if anyone looked remotely like her profile picture. I thought I caught a glimpse of her once while sitting in one of the session, but as soon as that session was over I suddenly lost sight of her. SO … imagine my surprise when she came up to me during the dessert reception afterwards! Ah … kcmarie122 … you are just as sweet and kind as I imagined you would be. I am so happy we finally got to meet!

Let me tell you a little more about why my Hubby & I decided to go to this event before I tell you who else I stalked met.

When I received the eblast, I was a little hesitant to sign up to go. I wasn’t sure if I was just about ready to take another step forward in my adoption past. I can’t remember if I blogged about this, but the last time I inquired about adoption at this one agency, they were already calling me back after only one day and then called again a week later. Now for some people, that aggressive first part on the agency might be a good thing. But the fact of the matter is, it’s taking me this long to make that first call (at least, this time around) … I don’t want to feel rushed or pressured into making a decision that I might not be that comfortable with. I’m sure there are agencies out there that are not like that, but this agency put a bad taste in my mouth at that particular moment. Who knows? Maybe when I’m finally ready to dive into adoption, I might want that type of “aggressiveness” on my side. But not just now.

But I digress (yet once again) … The thing is, we decided to go because we figured that this might be a way to get resources about adoption and not feel pressured into making a decision right then and there. Plus, the whole adoption forum of this night was basically a panel of different experts (lawyer, doctor, professor, counselor, and adoptive parent) discussing their experiences with the different parts of the adoption process. And then after they each spoke, they were asked questions written by us, the audience. Talk about major learning experience for me. It was refreshing to hear about the other aspects of the adoption process by actual “professionals” without having it be fed to us by an adoption agency, who really … sometimes I think are mostly after the money that prospective couples are willing to shell out. (Okay … yes, I know that’s an irrational thought skewed by said-adoption agency above.) Hubby and I got a lot of good info and having gone to this forum has renewed my spirit and added a little more spring to my steps towards adoption.

Yes, Girls, I still support ART

Quickly though … I should add that this Resolve event had a separate forum (or lecture, really) on ART, well. Truth be told, there were many many many more people in that forum than there was at the adoption one. But that’s okay. This is the stage in my IF journey that I’m in. I now know (in my vast wisdom – so said, sarcastically) that my limit for IVF was one … After all, I spent more that enough time and money doing unnecessary clomid cycles followed by more than enough medicated cycles before I was smart enough to figure out that the particular RE I was going to at that time was not suiting my needs. Yeah, that’s how smart I was.

Again … I digress. (Sorry, my ADHD — never actually diagnosed, by the way — is on full tilt today.)

At the end of both forums, there was the aforementioned dessert reception where I met kcmarie122 ( 🙂 still so giddy!) This gave us an opportunity to talk to the panel of professionals as well as meet and greet other professionals. Which was a good thing, because we were actually able to talk to the lawyer who specializes in interstate adoptions for a bit, and ask her about certain concerns we had about adopting domestically. In addition, this also gave us an opportunity to enter into some prizes they were given away including gift baskets, a free consultation with an adoption lawyer, a free acupuncture session, an others. But the two big prizes for the night were a $10,000 prize towards an IVF cycle or half off the price of an adoption homestudy (approx $700 in value).

Hubby & I listened patiently as the organizers drew tickets for the smaller prizes. One of the names and the person’s subsequent city called as a winner sounded just ever-so-vaguely familiar. And as this person walked up to claim her prize, she certainly looked just as familiar to me, too. I turned to Hubby and whispered, “I think I know that person.” He looked at me quizzically as I told him that she might be someone that I might have seen somewhere out in the IF blogiverse. At the evening’s end, the “Grand Prize” winners and alternates (just in case the winner decides to forgo adoption or the winner of the other prize, for some reason, is unable to complete the IVF cycle) were named. Hubby then urged me to go across the room and introduce myself to this mystery lady. “No, that’s okay,” I told Hubby, but he persisted even after I told him that I would feel as if I was stalking her.

So finally after being pestered enough, I approached said-woman and said, “Excuse me … you might think this is an outrageous question but …. do you blog?” And as this nice woman looked at me strangely (not to mention, a little leery … I mean after all, we’re talking about metro-Detroit here. You know … “Murder Capital of the World.” Yeah … NOT!), she turned to me and said, “Yeah, I do. I’m SoapChick.” And then I think I exclaimed, “I thought you looked a little familiar!,” a little too excitedly and I might have startled her a bit. And then I introduced myself and the rest was history. We ended up talking for quite a while and it was just SO wonderful … like meeting someone you think you know, but not really.

And then the REAL weird part was that when I told her that I just met kcmarie122 earlier, Soapchick kept telling me that “the name” sounded familiar. She said that she sat next to someone during the raffle drawings that may just have been kcmarie122. And as we traded descriptions of this person, we both came to the conclusion that it was kcmarie122 that she was sitting next to. Then, just as Soapchick, Hubby & I parted paths, who should we run into again but kcmarie122 who confirmed that she was sitting and talking with SoapChick at the same table! How absolutely weird and awesome is THAT?!

After attending this Resolve event tonite, I’m reminded of how far along I’ve come since even just starting to blog. Last year at this time, I was still struggling with even dealing with my feelings about my infertility. I had stuffed all my emotions inside of me that I was just waiting to explode. It didn’t help that I was facing yet another Mother’s Day childless. And it certainly didn’t help that there were currently plans underway for a baby shower for my SIL who was then pregnant with Liam. It would only be another week later that Liam would be prematurely born; which then brought yet another wave of emotions that needed to be stuffed. Yeah, I was at a pretty bad place last year.

And this year? Wow. I’m not only able to blog about these emotions, but I can actually talk about it. To total strangers. And be not only okay with it … but completely thrilled about it. Okay, so we’re not totally strangers, having shared our stories online with each other unknowingly. But still. WOW!

So kcmarie122 and SoapChick … I am so incredibly thrilled to have met you IRL. It’s absolutely mind-blowing, knowing that I’m not only NOT ALONE in this big blogiverse … I’m not even alone in my own county and state! My next goal … meet the others in this fine state of Michigan …

Oh! And I forgot to mention the other fortunate thing that happened to me tonite. My name ended be pulled as the second alternate winner for the Adoption Homestudy prize! Woo-hoo!

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Red Thumb Diary

Remember that show on Sh.owtime “Red Shoe Diaries“? It starred David Du.chovny pre-“X-Files” and was pretty risque. Now, I’m not going to be writing anything quite like what that show is about. Really, the only reason I brought it up was because I thought it would be quite a lame reference to the title of this post.

Okay, yeah. Making no sense here. But let me explain first of all by showing you this picture.

Yes, it’s a picture of my left thumb as I hold it up to the picture I posted in one of my recent entries. And why, may you ask, am I doing something as silly as that? Well, it’s because that same day that I wrote and posted that entry, I got an email from none other than “Living Journal” Cousin (herein known as LJC). Talk about major co-inky-dink!

LJC’s email told me that she (along with her fiance and fiance’s brother & girlfriend) would be coming for some shopping on Saturday and was wondering if we could at least get together and catch up for a bit. So I quickly responded that I would love to spend some time together in which ever way we could. Of course, I told her that I was just thinking about her. And then, in my typical “blog-whore” fashion (you know, where you try to “pimp your blog” out to other people … 😛 ), referred her to that latest post.

By the time LJC called this past Saturday, it was late afternoon and they were just pulling into the area. And because the main purpose for this trip was to go shopping, we figured we’d be able to maximize our time together by shopping and catching up. So, we met up at the area mall and shopped. Well, they did anyway.

Me? Well, as you can probably surmise by this picture … I tried on some nail polish at one of the stores. And silly me … thought that this particular store might have some nail polish remover handy to quickly take off the color so I didn’t have to go around with one single red thumb. Yeah … like I said … silly me.

Yep, these are ALL of LJC’s letters to me

So that solves the riddle of the “Red Thumb” part of this blog title. What, say you, about the “Diary” part?

As I stated briefly in the previously mentioned post … LJC was someone that I wrote to about everything during the most tumultuous times of my adolescent / teen life. So much that our letters would get to be 20 to 30 pages long at times. (I’m not kidding you … I swear!) She was … literally and figuratively … my real life diary (hence the name “Living Journal” Cousin). I can honestly say that my high school years and the earlier part of my college years had been written greatly in detail. As was hers.

The best part of having this kind of method of journaling was that I wasn’t just writing what I felt in a notebook or diary of some sorts … I was actually writing to a real live person. A person … my cousin … who I trusted (and still do) with my innermost feelings. And someone, who’s insight and opinions about my thoughts and actions, I deeply respected. So by sending and receiving each one of our letters … well, it’s much like getting feedback or comments on any of the blog entries I write. Except rather than it be out there in cyberspace … it’s signed, sealed, and delivered by the good old postal system. And better still, it’s given with that unconditional love and trust that’s very rare to find.

Looking back now, I think that I placed such strong emphasis on my relationship with my cousin (and subsequently her two younger sisters) because, growing up, I never had that sisterly bond with anyone else. Being with these three girls would be (and still is) the closest that I would ever come to having a sister. And in some respect, I wonder if this is the reason why I’m not as close or comfortable around other women today. Meaning that I’ve been witness to the bonding experience that most women with sisters have with each other and their subsequent relationships with other women. But that’s it. I’ve never been as close to any other females in my life as I am with my cousins. And even now, the three of them have a relationship with each other that I can honestly say that I envy.

But getting back to the letters …

The running joke during the height of our letter-writing years was that we would eventually give each other our letters back once we got married. Then we could do with it what we wanted … either read them or burn them … especially because there may have been some really bad things written in those letters that we wouldn’t want anyone … not even our future husbands … to read.

My So-Called Life

I completely forgot about our promise until the day after my wedding when Hubby & I (in typical Filipino tradition) were opening our wedding gifts among many of our out-of-town family & friends. There, in the absolute last box we opened were three books. Yup … all my letters, neatly photo-copied (colored copies, nonetheless … imagine the price of doing that in 1996) and binded chronologically into three volumes. I can clearly remember looking up at LJC (as well as her two sisters) with such amazement as tears ran down my face. I couldn’t believe what I was looking at … and I couldn’t believe that she’d remembered. The four of us stood hugging each other tightly and crying like babies as my cousin told me that she had to make copies because she just couldn’t part with the original letters.

So now … with LJC’s wedding literally around the corner … I’ve gotta start getting my act together. It looks as if I’ll be spending a lot of time in front of my printer/scanner or the local office supply place making copies of LJC’s letters. Because just like her … I can’t bear to part with the originals. But at least now … we’ll both have a set of all our letters and all of our responses.