Apron Strings for Emily

For those of you that don’t know, TMI is an acronym for “Too Much Information.” So … I’m warning you now, if you don’t wanna read about women stuff, it’s best that you click off this page now .

Here … check out this post if you’d rather not read on.

Hum dee dum dum … Dum dee doo dah …

Okay. Fair warning. Here goes.

I have gained weight. And it’s all because of that damn Lupron. And how, may you ask that I know this without having stepped on a scale (because I refuse to do so)? Well, besides the obvious tighter fitting clothes and the ring on my finger feeling a little tighter … Well, my b**bies have gotten a little larger.

And I know I’ve gained a sufficient amount of weight when these tatas have “bloomed.” Because they’re the absolute last place that fills out when I gain weight. (And sadly, they’re always the first thing to go, when I lose the weight … dang-nabbit!) And even though I may be a little more heavier-set than the typical Asian American woman, I was never graced with a “hearty set.” So, when Naughty Hubby snapped a picture of them during a recent dress-uppity event … the rather revealing cleavage that stared back at me confirmed that I had, indeed, gained a significant amount of weight.

To make things worse, Hubby & I are heading out of town next Thursday for a mini-vaca … a chance to get away for a spell. We’re heading down to Orlando to spend time with Hubby’s cousins just to have some fun. Yes, we’ll be heading to Dis.neywor.ld and Univ.ersal Studios. No, I’m not so much bothered about it being the center of the universe for all things kid-related. (Actually, I’m quite looking forward to being a big kid for the weekend!)

Anyway, one of those days we’re planning on heading to the beach for the day. Which, of course requires a bathing suit. And well, last time I wore my two-piece was on our cruise in November. Pre-Lupron. Pre-weight gain. So yeah … won’t be looking so hot in my two-piece these days. And I wouldn’t look so hot in a one-piece either, based on the little non-pregnant belly I’ve got going on.

But thank G*d for the invention called the tankini. A two-piece that, if the appropriate tank top piece is found can hide that non-pregnant pudge I’ve got going on … and can still show off a little of the recently gained “assets.” (Might as well flaunt them while I’ve got them, right?) Pair it with a matching swim skirt, and it might just hide the “a$$”-et you don’t want to flaunt.

So off to Hudson’s Marshall Fields Macy*s to look for a tasteful and age-appropriate tankini. I head directly to the sportswear department, where I assumed that they might put out all the seasonal summer wear. No luck. Then I walk over to the active wear area, thinking that perhaps they put it with all the brand name exercise crap. Yep, still no luck. Finally, I stop an employee who directed me up to the second floor. “It’s right by the restaurant. Next to the maternity wear.”

Excuse me? Did I hear that right? Next to maternity wear? Who the H*LL had the brilliant idea to put bathing suits next to maternity clothes?! But sure enough, there they were. One and two-piece bathing suits looking quite smug next to those fashionable maternity clothes.

I’m honestly not sure what horrified me more. Knowing that I was going to have to try on bathing suits to help … ahem … appropriately distribute the extra weight I’ve gained. Or having to walk past all those very stylish maternity clothes that I know I will never have the chance to wear.

For an infertile … nonetheless one that has probably gained weight from all them extra hormones pumping through our systems … that is just cruel and unusual punishment!

Alas, I managed to find a decent tankini/swim skirt set that “accentuated the positive” (heartier hooters) and “eliminated the negative” (okay, so there was no way to completely eliminate the larger booty). And just as soon as the sales woman wrapped up my purchase, you know d*mn well I booked out of there as fast as I could.

Ugh … I suppose that I should know by now that bigger bosoms means that I should get off my lazy (not to mention large) a$$ and start working out again.

Once again … D*mn Lupron!!

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Oops. I forgot to add the disclaimer. Nope … that ain’t my body in that picture. (If I were only that thin …) And I also forgot to mention that yes … I realize how horrifying it must be for those that are pregnant to have to look at skinny two-piece suits.

But I do stand by what I said … “Who the H*LL had the brilliant idea to put bathing suits next to maternity clothes?!” and “That is just cruel and unusual punishment!”

Okay … back to your usual blog-surfing … 🙂